Blended Family; Polar Opposite Kids

[Anonymous]

Blended family with two high school aged boys. My bio kid runs circles around his older step brother in terms of maturity, achievement and drive. Blended family or not, I grew up an only child and I'm worried about how this will effect them both.

It's becoming very blatant that they're on two different paths and I'm not sure how to navigate this divide, especially while making sure both of them have the supports they need.

It's not just that my bio kid is significantly ahead, but that older step brother is significantly behind.

Dinner conversations are a little uncomfortable given the divide sometimes and I'm looking for perspective and suggestions on how to minimize this.

[Anonymous]

This should have been apparent during the years of dating before marriage. How did you handle it then?

[Anonymous]

Kindness. They must each show genuine interest and affection to the other. Celebrate their goals and successes, sympathize during their defeats.

If it is framed as a competition it's going to suck. If we think of the situation in the extreme it might be helpful. If one child had down syndrome or was profoundly delayed in some other way, how would things go? In this case the gap is smaller, but kindness is key.

[Anonymous]

Does he have inattentive ADHD, learning disorders like dyslexia, or autism? He should get evaluated if there's even the mere whisp of a concern, OP.

My two bio kids are 5 years apart, and my oldest was born with special needs: ADHD/ASD/low processing speed, and other issues. We always knew the youngest would catch up with him at some point, and she did.

However they're both closely bonded, because the oldest isn't prideful, and the youngest doesn't gloat. They actually support each other nicely. I would tell your kid to mind how he comes across.

The most important thing I ever did as a parent was to raise them to do their best effort.... regardless of what that effort achieved.

[Anonymous]

OP, raising your step son is the job of his parents. Express concerns once and drop it.

Raise your own son to be kind and humble. Not everyone is dealt the same hand.

[Anonymous]

Help them find mutual interests - music? Beyonce? skateboarding? whatever. Then they can talk about that. It's okay if one is academically ahead of the other. They just need to be kind and encouraging to each other.

[Anonymous]

my youngest brother is a multimillionaire retired at 39 and his older step sibs are … not. nobody cares. what I think is that you’re gloating about your own kid. stop it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he have inattentive ADHD, learning disorders like dyslexia, or autism? He should get evaluated if there's even the mere whisp of a concern, OP.

My two bio kids are 5 years apart, and my oldest was born with special needs: ADHD/ASD/low processing speed, and other issues. We always knew the youngest would catch up with him at some point, and she did.

However they're both closely bonded, because the oldest isn't prideful, and the youngest doesn't gloat. They actually support each other nicely. I would tell your kid to mind how he comes across.

The most important thing I ever did as a parent was to raise them to do their best effort.... regardless of what that effort achieved.

A 5 year gap explains most of this rather than superior parenting. Two high school boys are going to be doing similar things at the same time. Yours will never even be in HS together at all.

[Anonymous]

Don't talk about grades, achievements, successes, and extracurriculars at dinner.

Talk about shared topics like dinner planning for the week, family chores, vacation, the news, upcoming school activities both can participate in like attending a game, play, etc.

[Anonymous]

I would just never ever put my "behind" kid in this situation. I am not "blending" until they all graduate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he have inattentive ADHD, learning disorders like dyslexia, or autism? He should get evaluated if there's even the mere whisp of a concern, OP.

My two bio kids are 5 years apart, and my oldest was born with special needs: ADHD/ASD/low processing speed, and other issues. We always knew the youngest would catch up with him at some point, and she did.

However they're both closely bonded, because the oldest isn't prideful, and the youngest doesn't gloat. They actually support each other nicely. I would tell your kid to mind how he comes across.

The most important thing I ever did as a parent was to raise them to do their best effort.... regardless of what that effort achieved.

A 5 year gap explains most of this rather than superior parenting. Two high school boys are going to be doing similar things at the same time. Yours will never even be in HS together at all.

Except that she caught up with him before high school, in terms of motor skills, musical ability, writing skills, math skills... anything you care to mention apart from physical height. I caught her doing his math homework for him when he was in 4th grade and she was in preschool.

Stop being dismissive. And I didn't say it was my superior parenting. It's their natural personalities at play, plus my finger on the scale. Team work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he have inattentive ADHD, learning disorders like dyslexia, or autism? He should get evaluated if there's even the mere whisp of a concern, OP.

My two bio kids are 5 years apart, and my oldest was born with special needs: ADHD/ASD/low processing speed, and other issues. We always knew the youngest would catch up with him at some point, and she did.

However they're both closely bonded, because the oldest isn't prideful, and the youngest doesn't gloat. They actually support each other nicely. I would tell your kid to mind how he comes across.

The most important thing I ever did as a parent was to raise them to do their best effort.... regardless of what that effort achieved.

Yes, we are getting him assessed. There isn't a lot in common in terms of interest. The older of the two is a late bloomer and still finding his footing- not any interests or passions outside of video games.

It's not just about dinner conversations. It's about award ceremonies and ECs, time commitments etc. End of year awards ceremonies are coming up and we already have 3 commitments in May for my bio kiddo and none for our oldest. The presence is undeniable and obvious.

How can I balance situations like this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just never ever put my "behind" kid in this situation. I am not "blending" until they all graduate.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Help them find mutual interests - music? Beyonce? skateboarding? whatever. Then they can talk about that. It's okay if one is academically ahead of the other. They just need to be kind and encouraging to each other.

GMAFB

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he have inattentive ADHD, learning disorders like dyslexia, or autism? He should get evaluated if there's even the mere whisp of a concern, OP.

My two bio kids are 5 years apart, and my oldest was born with special needs: ADHD/ASD/low processing speed, and other issues. We always knew the youngest would catch up with him at some point, and she did.

However they're both closely bonded, because the oldest isn't prideful, and the youngest doesn't gloat. They actually support each other nicely. I would tell your kid to mind how he comes across.

The most important thing I ever did as a parent was to raise them to do their best effort.... regardless of what that effort achieved.

Yes, we are getting him assessed. There isn't a lot in common in terms of interest. The older of the two is a late bloomer and still finding his footing- not any interests or passions outside of video games.

It's not just about dinner conversations. It's about award ceremonies and ECs, time commitments etc. End of year awards ceremonies are coming up and we already have 3 commitments in May for my bio kiddo and none for our oldest. The presence is undeniable and obvious.

How can I balance situations like this?

OP stop playing dumb. You take your aon to the award ceremony by yourself and don’t talk about it.