How to be married to an extreme avoidant?

[Anonymous]

Any tips? His avoidance is so extreme that he will make up lies when he’s nervous just to get me “off his back”. Even when I have seen him at doctors appointments or work meetings, he speaks in weird generic platitudes and can’t be nailed down. He won’t stick up for himself or our kids in any context.

It’s gotten to the point where we barely talk to each other. When I try to talk to him he walks away, lies, goes silent, or responds with non answers that are evasive and unclear. If we agree to something, he won’t follow through because I think it was never a real agreement-he was just agreeing to avoid any confrontation/disagreement/discussion. He just yes’s me to death and never follow through.

I don’t want to get divorced but this feels impossible. Any tips for being married to an avoidant?

[Anonymous]

I feel your pain! Recently got out of my marriage as this was a big issue. Not saying it’s hopeless, but your husband has some healing to do and if he’s not ready, you can’t fix him. He acts this way because of childhood trauma. If you’re like me, my husband’s avoidant attachment triggered my anxious attachment and it was a hamster wheel of constant stress and unhappiness for both of us. It wasn’t until I started my own healing as to why I settled for this type of relationship in the first place! Good luck!

Check out awakeningwithbrian on instagram as that would have saved me so much time and frustration!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel your pain! Recently got out of my marriage as this was a big issue. Not saying it’s hopeless, but your husband has some healing to do and if he’s not ready, you can’t fix him. He acts this way because of childhood trauma. If you’re like me, my husband’s avoidant attachment triggered my anxious attachment and it was a hamster wheel of constant stress and unhappiness for both of us. It wasn’t until I started my own healing as to why I settled for this type of relationship in the first place! Good luck!

Check out awakeningwithbrian on instagram as that would have saved me so much time and frustration!

Op here. I think if I insist, DH will go to individual therapy. But I feel like it won’t help. When I’ve tried to talk to him about the issue, he says he sees no problem. I worry he wouldn’t be genuine in therapy just like he’s not genuine in any context in his life ever anywhere. Like he will just go to therapy and make up nonsense to make the therapist think all is well.

[Anonymous]

Why don’t you want to divorce? The only way to make this work (unless he also sees the issue and wants to address) is for yu. Have absolutely no expectations of him. And then….what’s the point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel your pain! Recently got out of my marriage as this was a big issue. Not saying it’s hopeless, but your husband has some healing to do and if he’s not ready, you can’t fix him. He acts this way because of childhood trauma. If you’re like me, my husband’s avoidant attachment triggered my anxious attachment and it was a hamster wheel of constant stress and unhappiness for both of us. It wasn’t until I started my own healing as to why I settled for this type of relationship in the first place! Good luck!

Check out awakeningwithbrian on instagram as that would have saved me so much time and frustration!

Op here. I think if I insist, DH will go to individual therapy. But I feel like it won’t help. When I’ve tried to talk to him about the issue, he says he sees no problem. I worry he wouldn’t be genuine in therapy just like he’s not genuine in any context in his life ever anywhere. Like he will just go to therapy and make up nonsense to make the therapist think all is well.

He says he sees no problem in lying to you?

[Anonymous]

What do you value most about him?

Does he have these challenges at work, too, or is he able to maintain steady employment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel your pain! Recently got out of my marriage as this was a big issue. Not saying it’s hopeless, but your husband has some healing to do and if he’s not ready, you can’t fix him. He acts this way because of childhood trauma. If you’re like me, my husband’s avoidant attachment triggered my anxious attachment and it was a hamster wheel of constant stress and unhappiness for both of us. It wasn’t until I started my own healing as to why I settled for this type of relationship in the first place! Good luck!

Check out awakeningwithbrian on instagram as that would have saved me so much time and frustration!

Op here. I think if I insist, DH will go to individual therapy. But I feel like it won’t help. When I’ve tried to talk to him about the issue, he says he sees no problem. I worry he wouldn’t be genuine in therapy just like he’s not genuine in any context in his life ever anywhere. Like he will just go to therapy and make up nonsense to make the therapist think all is well.

He says he sees no problem in lying to you?

Op here. He wouldn’t agree that it is lying. Sometimes I’m unsure if he even remembers half of what we talk about. It’s a lot of word salad and passive voice that makes no sense so it’s impossible to hold him accountable for anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you value most about him?

Does he have these challenges at work, too, or is he able to maintain steady employment?

Op here. He is extremely intelligent. I believe he loves me as best he can.

He maintains a low stress job that is focused on one of his special interests (college professor).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you value most about him?

Does he have these challenges at work, too, or is he able to maintain steady employment?

Op here. He is extremely intelligent. I believe he loves me as best he can.

He maintains a low stress job that is focused on one of his special interests (college professor).

Oh, that's awesome, and quite an accomplishment. Clearly he can put in the work when it's something that interests him, as otherwise he would not have gotten to that point.

I would suggest you try backing way off on trying to hold him "accountable." He quite possibly has high internal standards, and the additional pressure from you may lead to overwhelm rather than the result you seek. You also mentioned in your original post that he tries to get you "off his back," and I would guess this is in response to questions from you. The person who gets to ask the questions has the power, and it sounds like maybe there's a dynamic here (or at least perceived) where you are the authority figure, and maybe he feels backed into a corner.

Work at being an extremely safe place for him. (you can't change him, you can only change yourself and see if that works -- but worst case, you learn some things about yourself in the process even if ultimately you divorce down the road)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any tips? His avoidance is so extreme that he will make up lies when he’s nervous just to get me “off his back”. Even when I have seen him at doctors appointments or work meetings, he speaks in weird generic platitudes and can’t be nailed down. He won’t stick up for himself or our kids in any context.

It’s gotten to the point where we barely talk to each other. When I try to talk to him he walks away, lies, goes silent, or responds with non answers that are evasive and unclear. If we agree to something, he won’t follow through because I think it was never a real agreement-he was just agreeing to avoid any confrontation/disagreement/discussion. He just yes’s me to death and never follow through.

I don’t want to get divorced but this feels impossible. Any tips for being married to an avoidant?

My spouse does things like this (lies of omission, passive aggressive, avoids topics, terrible advocate, sweeps major things under the rug, under-reacts or over-reacts on a lag) and upon testing was Aspergers.

He won’t do therapy and claims he’s too busy. Too busy working and watching Netflix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any tips? His avoidance is so extreme that he will make up lies when he’s nervous just to get me “off his back”. Even when I have seen him at doctors appointments or work meetings, he speaks in weird generic platitudes and can’t be nailed down. He won’t stick up for himself or our kids in any context.

It’s gotten to the point where we barely talk to each other. When I try to talk to him he walks away, lies, goes silent, or responds with non answers that are evasive and unclear. If we agree to something, he won’t follow through because I think it was never a real agreement-he was just agreeing to avoid any confrontation/disagreement/discussion. He just yes’s me to death and never follow through.

I don’t want to get divorced but this feels impossible. Any tips for being married to an avoidant?

He ain’t going to change.

Why would you want to stay married to someone like this?
If you don’t have kids file for divorce tomorrow.
If you do have kids, explore your divorce options and what kind of custody you think he’d want or could handle.

He sounds like an abusive a$$.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you value most about him?

Does he have these challenges at work, too, or is he able to maintain steady employment?

Op here. He is extremely intelligent. I believe he loves me as best he can.

He maintains a low stress job that is focused on one of his special interests (college professor).

Oh, that's awesome, and quite an accomplishment. Clearly he can put in the work when it's something that interests him, as otherwise he would not have gotten to that point.

I would suggest you try backing way off on trying to hold him "accountable." He quite possibly has high internal standards, and the additional pressure from you may lead to overwhelm rather than the result you seek. You also mentioned in your original post that he tries to get you "off his back," and I would guess this is in response to questions from you. The person who gets to ask the questions has the power, and it sounds like maybe there's a dynamic here (or at least perceived) where you are the authority figure, and maybe he feels backed into a corner.

Work at being an extremely safe place for him. (you can't change him, you can only change yourself and see if that works -- but worst case, you learn some things about yourself in the process even if ultimately you divorce down the road)

Sure, OP, be a safe place for a man with whom you can't have the most basic plans or commitments. Have no expectations of him so he can just .... come and go and flake out on life? That way he won't lie to you at least. Jeez.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel your pain! Recently got out of my marriage as this was a big issue. Not saying it’s hopeless, but your husband has some healing to do and if he’s not ready, you can’t fix him. He acts this way because of childhood trauma. If you’re like me, my husband’s avoidant attachment triggered my anxious attachment and it was a hamster wheel of constant stress and unhappiness for both of us. It wasn’t until I started my own healing as to why I settled for this type of relationship in the first place! Good luck!

Check out awakeningwithbrian on instagram as that would have saved me so much time and frustration!

Op here. I think if I insist, DH will go to individual therapy. But I feel like it won’t help. When I’ve tried to talk to him about the issue, he says he sees no problem. I worry he wouldn’t be genuine in therapy just like he’s not genuine in any context in his life ever anywhere. Like he will just go to therapy and make up nonsense to make the therapist think all is well.

This sounds psychotic and he has some serious mental disorders. Get out. Or you’ll go insane too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel your pain! Recently got out of my marriage as this was a big issue. Not saying it’s hopeless, but your husband has some healing to do and if he’s not ready, you can’t fix him. He acts this way because of childhood trauma. If you’re like me, my husband’s avoidant attachment triggered my anxious attachment and it was a hamster wheel of constant stress and unhappiness for both of us. It wasn’t until I started my own healing as to why I settled for this type of relationship in the first place! Good luck!

Check out awakeningwithbrian on instagram as that would have saved me so much time and frustration!

Op here. I think if I insist, DH will go to individual therapy. But I feel like it won’t help. When I’ve tried to talk to him about the issue, he says he sees no problem. I worry he wouldn’t be genuine in therapy just like he’s not genuine in any context in his life ever anywhere. Like he will just go to therapy and make up nonsense to make the therapist think all is well.

He says he sees no problem in lying to you?

Op here. He wouldn’t agree that it is lying. Sometimes I’m unsure if he even remembers half of what we talk about. It’s a lot of word salad and passive voice that makes no sense so it’s impossible to hold him accountable for anything.

He learned to do this when a child because it was effective at school, home and with friends. It’s juvenile and immature and it destroys trust and relationships.

Dont waste more time with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you value most about him?

Does he have these challenges at work, too, or is he able to maintain steady employment?

Op here. He is extremely intelligent. I believe he loves me as best he can.

He maintains a low stress job that is focused on one of his special interests (college professor).

Yuck and yuck and yuck.