Sibling rivalry, over CANCER????

[Anonymous]

We're a BRCA family, and I'm the third sibling to be diagnosed with cancer
The first sibling was diagnosed 14 yrs ago, had pretty radical surgery, chemo, the works, a rough time
Second sibling, got diagnosed 5 months ago, had surgery only, and is still in watch mode
Now I've been diagnosed last month and have surgery coming up, to be followed by oral medicine but not chemo
Sibling #1 seems almost snippy that I won't have to get chemo. I don't know how to explain it, just multiple remarks that maybe that sibling could have avoided chemo too if more modern options were out there.
Sibling #2's spouse seems upset too, like I timed my diagnosis to eclipse #2's attention, sibling #2 seems fairly normal for someone coping with crap/healing issues
I feel like shutting down the flow of info, like I can't really talk to the siblings who have gone through it/currently dealing with cancer, like it's upsetting sibling #1 in a PTSD kind of way
Should I just step back from both? WWYD

[Anonymous]

Definitely step back. They cannot support you while they are managing their own mental and physical health.

[Anonymous]

I also come from a BRCA family. My mother has never had a mammogram and she is in her 60s, but her brother died from cancer in his 30s and her father died of brain cancer. I only know about the BRCA because my doctor ordered genetic testing when I got sick two years ago and they couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t recovering like I should.

Mother called me a drama queen when I told her I was going through testing with oncology and was given a preliminary clinical diagnosis of early stage lymphoma. She questioned whether my doctors knew what they were talking about and I said I’m finished.

I told her I wasn’t going to tell her about my treatment plan or answer her questions because I can’t deal with her blame game and emotional neediness right now. I told her to call me when she could handle being supportive but if not to leave me alone. I haven’t heard from her since.

[Anonymous]

Oh, I’m being treated wait-and-see right now but they plan to do infusions (not chemo- a newer cancer treatment) because I caught it so early, so I’m in a similar boat to you.

I’m sorry you are going through this too. It sucks and it’s even worse when people want to play cancer one-upmanship like it’s some sick competition but you don’t have to put up with that.

Take care and wishes for effective treatment for you.

[Anonymous]

First, I'm sorry to hear of your diagnosis, OP.

Second, sibling rivalry and dynamics hardly ever change in life, they just go dormant, and old patterns tend to re-emerge in times of stress. You are all three of you stressed right now!!!

Third, focus on your health and anxiety management. If that means creating some distance temporarily, then do so. Just tell them they're stressing you out right now.

[Anonymous]

Competitive cancer within a family. Wow, I guess there's a first for everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're a BRCA family, and I'm the third sibling to be diagnosed with cancer
The first sibling was diagnosed 14 yrs ago, had pretty radical surgery, chemo, the works, a rough time
Second sibling, got diagnosed 5 months ago, had surgery only, and is still in watch mode
Now I've been diagnosed last month and have surgery coming up, to be followed by oral medicine but not chemo
Sibling #1 seems almost snippy that I won't have to get chemo. I don't know how to explain it, just multiple remarks that maybe that sibling could have avoided chemo too if more modern options were out there.
Sibling #2's spouse seems upset too, like I timed my diagnosis to eclipse #2's attention, sibling #2 seems fairly normal for someone coping with crap/healing issues
I feel like shutting down the flow of info, like I can't really talk to the siblings who have gone through it/currently dealing with cancer, like it's upsetting sibling #1 in a PTSD kind of way
Should I just step back from both? WWYD

OP, I'm sorry for your diagnosis.

I'd like to gently suggest that a lot of this might be your perception, in a difficult time, and not really anything intentional or wrong that your family is doing. You didn't give anything specific on what people have said or done, other than a benign comment about medicine advancing.

Unless there is other complicating history or dynamics in your family, I would encourage you to just change the way you are thinking about this. It may not be "sibling rivalry" so much as it is commiseration over shared experiences and noting the differences in those experiences. Think of it like a formal support group- for cancer or anything else. People have some things in common but there are differences in experiences and emotions that are discussed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're a BRCA family, and I'm the third sibling to be diagnosed with cancer
The first sibling was diagnosed 14 yrs ago, had pretty radical surgery, chemo, the works, a rough time
Second sibling, got diagnosed 5 months ago, had surgery only, and is still in watch mode
Now I've been diagnosed last month and have surgery coming up, to be followed by oral medicine but not chemo
Sibling #1 seems almost snippy that I won't have to get chemo. I don't know how to explain it, just multiple remarks that maybe that sibling could have avoided chemo too if more modern options were out there.
Sibling #2's spouse seems upset too, like I timed my diagnosis to eclipse #2's attention, sibling #2 seems fairly normal for someone coping with crap/healing issues
I feel like shutting down the flow of info, like I can't really talk to the siblings who have gone through it/currently dealing with cancer, like it's upsetting sibling #1 in a PTSD kind of way
Should I just step back from both? WWYD

OP, I'm sorry for your diagnosis.

I'd like to gently suggest that a lot of this might be your perception, in a difficult time, and not really anything intentional or wrong that your family is doing. You didn't give anything specific on what people have said or done, other than a benign comment about medicine advancing.

Unless there is other complicating history or dynamics in your family, I would encourage you to just change the way you are thinking about this. It may not be "sibling rivalry" so much as it is commiseration over shared experiences and noting the differences in those experiences. Think of it like a formal support group- for cancer or anything else. People have some things in common but there are differences in experiences and emotions that are discussed.

+1. They are sharing their experiences. Maybe they are jealous that you have different/better options? That is a natural feeling. If they aren't good support, don't talk to them about it.

[Anonymous]

OP I get it. My family has these kinds of dynamics as well. I learned that they cannot be a source of emotional support during a difficult time. It sucks. My recommendation is the get a therapist to help with being able to talk through the heavier stuff you are dealing with regarding your diagnosis (and also the issues with your siblings) and think about how you can best lean on your spouse and friend network to support you. Yes, it would be better to have functional family support. But it you don't, it does you know good trying to pretend what is happening is okay.

I'm not suggesting you cut them out of your life, to be clear. Just don't view them as a source of support. And regarding some of the unkind, competitive comments, you have to learn to detach and not take them to heart. It takes some practice, but it will make it easier to be around them if you can let go of some of this stuff, especially since you know most of it is coming from their own hurt and fear regarding their own health.

[Anonymous]

This is not the same but when I hear others who get the 12 weeks of parental leave that I didn't get when I had my kids, I have to be very intentional to not sound jealous, even though I am. I think that is the same thoughts your sister is having. Chemo sucks and you are lucky not to have to go through it. She is being immature but with siblings, people aren't their best selves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP, I'm sorry for your diagnosis.

I'd like to gently suggest that a lot of this might be your perception, in a difficult time, and not really anything intentional or wrong that your family is doing. You didn't give anything specific on what people have said or done, other than a benign comment about medicine advancing.

Unless there is other complicating history or dynamics in your family, I would encourage you to just change the way you are thinking about this. It may not be "sibling rivalry" so much as it is commiseration over shared experiences and noting the differences in those experiences. Think of it like a formal support group- for cancer or anything else. People have some things in common but there are differences in experiences and emotions that are discussed.

OP here
Isn't just about every interpersonal reaction about perception? There's no objective meters, to my knowledge.
I've reminded sibling #1 that they had a different type of cancer profile, and physicians would throw more aggressive treatments at someone under 50 vs someone who's 60, but the comments keep coming. I almost feel like it's reopening old wounds, the hair loss, the fear, the neuropathy which lasted for years.
When our first family members got ill, 35 and 23 yrs ago, there was not much to be done, both relatives perished in under 2 years. Sibling #1 was the first to survive, but the experience revealed the BRCA issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not the same but when I hear others who get the 12 weeks of parental leave that I didn't get when I had my kids, I have to be very intentional to not sound jealous, even though I am. I think that is the same thoughts your sister is having. Chemo sucks and you are lucky not to have to go through it. She is being immature but with siblings, people aren't their best selves.

OP here, I understand what you're saying

[Anonymous]

Families are bizarre- Sorry you are going through this. We have a family member who compared her fertility struggles to another family members metastatic breast cancer diagnosis. Unbelievable.

[Anonymous]

OP, there is a ton of support out there for cancer patients. Look to that. DOn't look to your family. Perhaps they need support too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP, I'm sorry for your diagnosis.

I'd like to gently suggest that a lot of this might be your perception, in a difficult time, and not really anything intentional or wrong that your family is doing. You didn't give anything specific on what people have said or done, other than a benign comment about medicine advancing.

Unless there is other complicating history or dynamics in your family, I would encourage you to just change the way you are thinking about this. It may not be "sibling rivalry" so much as it is commiseration over shared experiences and noting the differences in those experiences. Think of it like a formal support group- for cancer or anything else. People have some things in common but there are differences in experiences and emotions that are discussed.

OP here
Isn't just about every interpersonal reaction about perception? There's no objective meters, to my knowledge.
I've reminded sibling #1 that they had a different type of cancer profile, and physicians would throw more aggressive treatments at someone under 50 vs someone who's 60, but the comments keep coming. I almost feel like it's reopening old wounds, the hair loss, the fear, the neuropathy which lasted for years.
When our first family members got ill, 35 and 23 yrs ago, there was not much to be done, both relatives perished in under 2 years. Sibling #1 was the first to survive, but the experience revealed the BRCA issue.

Of course it is. How could it not be? It’s traumatic to experience that. A lot of people who go through traumatic medical events develop PTSD. Even if the treatment wasn’t awful, there’s the fact that the cancer could be deadly and they had to deal with that possibility. As you know now, that’s scary and traumatic as well. So yeah, it probably felt like a donkey kick to the gut when you announced your diagnosis and treatment plan, because now as well as reliving their own experiences, they’re worried about their sibling, plus the new round of cancer and treatment has probably reawakened the fear of their own cancers recurring. It also probably reinforces the fear of the genetic link to cancer and they’re worried about every other woman in their family-because apparently it’s far reaching in your family. Plus, your sister who had chemo might be a little afraid that you and your sister who aren’t getting chemo might be at risk for not getting it. Yeah treatments have changed, but you know she must’ve been told this was the only way to give her a shot at life, and she endured and survived. There might be jealousy, not the bad kind where she wishes you had to go through all the crap she had to, but the normal kind where anyone would wish they didn’t have to go through chemo.

That all seems normal to me. It doesn’t seem like rivalry or oneupmanship to me exactly. It just sounds like cancer sucks and they wish none of you had to deal with it or relive their own experiences. It’s also normal for you to feel disappointment if they’re not able to be supportive the way you need or the way you were for them, because they’re jaded by their own experiences. Sometimes people suck and it’s not even their fault, but just because they’re finished with treatment for now, they’re not really surely cancer is finished with them. I think everyone in the story is being driven by fear and anxiety, and that’s completely understandable.

I wish you all the best, and I hope you have a good network of friends who can be your support group. Your sisters may not have the capacity to help you the way you need. It sucks, but if you’re already disappointed with their responses, it’s probably best to change your expectations rather than hope they change their behaviors.