How do you stop being a parent?

[Anonymous]

How do you switch your default parental mode to respectful acquaintance mode acceptable to your adult children?

[Anonymous]

Say they tell me they did something and I wouldn't have done it. Don't speak. First thought is: well, it's done. It's in the past. Saying something now would be fruitless. Second thought is: are there other (reasonable) people who would have acted the same as they did? Yes. Just not me. Why should I assume I know better? I shouldn't. I shouldn't be so confident that I say something when they haven't asked for my advice. So, I need to accept that this is an issue of preference that I don't understand or maybe just don't agree with.

[Anonymous]

pp again. Op, I'm not sure where you're coming from re: your question. I just read it again. My kids are very dear to me. I feel very close to them. Your "acquaintance" choice of word is understated?

[Anonymous]

You are still their parent. But they are adults. It isn’t respectful acquaintance. It should be loving support of a fellow adult.

Think of how you treat the other adults in your life that you love, like siblings, your parents, aunts and uncles, close friends.

[Anonymous]

I think you should respect them as individuals pretty young but definitely by the time they are teens you should basically treat them like almost adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are still their parent. But they are adults. It isn’t respectful acquaintance. It should be loving support of a fellow adult.

Think of how you treat the other adults in your life that you love, like siblings, your parents, aunts and uncles, close friends.

This.

AND our relationship evolved as they matured. I was very cognizant and intentional about this because my older Boomer parents only started respecting my boundaries, decisions, and started treating me like an adult when I was early 40s. By this time I had a very high paying respectable job, husband 2 kids, $2M first home, vacation home, etc, etc. I depended on them for nothing along the way, so I didn't understand their behavior at all.

[Anonymous]

18 year old that says they are an adult, but you still pay all the bills or a 25 year old who has a job? First of all, separate out anything that is not important. Don’t be the problem solver in their life. First question I ask is, “What’s the plan?” If it seems reasonable, let it go. If it’s unreasonable , ask some open ended questions. Also, sometimes, natural consequences are a good experience. Be more specific OP and we can help.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried having an adult relationship with them, something in common? I travel with each of my parents for different reasons and the relationship became less parental pretty quickly. I don't think they need to unlock age 40 and TWO MILLION DOLLAR HOUSE YALL woops sorry for all caps.

[Anonymous]

At 17 I am starting to let my kids make some decisions I don't necessarily agree with. Of course not for anything that is objectively very dangerous/"bad", but some things parents would say no to. I feel like I am transitioning from very involved decider to cheerleader. That is how my parents still are with me at 44yo and it is working great. They have not had any say in my life since I was 20 or so, but we are very close. The issue with overbearing/annoying parents of adults is when they interfere, judge, are negative...And to me that relegates someone to acquaintance level very fast, because who wants to share time/thoughts with judgmental and negative people?

[Anonymous]

I’m in my forties and my parents are still my parents, not acquaintances. The main difference is that we drink together now

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are still their parent. But they are adults. It isn’t respectful acquaintance. It should be loving support of a fellow adult.

Think of how you treat the other adults in your life that you love, like siblings, your parents, aunts and uncles, close friends.

I would agree but it is kind of hard when your young adult still lives at home and doesn't act like adults normally do.

I mean I don't have to pay for aunt/uncles or close friends bills and housing and I don't care if they don't do chores in my house. LOL.

[Anonymous]

Realize that you have no Control. Let that sh## go. Proceed from there.

[Anonymous]

Financially independent = an Adult that deserves the respect of being an equal adult.

[Anonymous]

Learn to bite your tongue a lot.

If you want them to continue to share their lives' stories with you, you listen instead of lecture.

Only offer opinions on their personal lives when asked, and only once at that.

I have to learn to basically do everything the opposite of what my parents did. My mom could not stop telling me how much she hated the curtains I got for our vacation home, and that was just the tip of the iceberg.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:18 year old that says they are an adult, but you still pay all the bills or a 25 year old who has a job? First of all, separate out anything that is not important. Don’t be the problem solver in their life. First question I ask is, “What’s the plan?” If it seems reasonable, let it go. If it’s unreasonable , ask some open ended questions. Also, sometimes, natural consequences are a good experience. Be more specific OP and we can help.

I agree with this. I find myself first asking “how do you feel about that” so they share their plan and views. I also only offer my opinion when directly asked. Sometimes they just want to vent. It’s important to remember to listen and process before offering solutions and opinions.