Best way to handle family member coming out?

[Anonymous]

Apologies. This may have been covered here.

A nephew is in the process of coming out. He told one family member so far.

He is in mid 20s. Most of us including cousins he is close to have pretty much suspected for years. Everyone is totally ok with it. It will quite freeing for him and really everyone when he can be himself.

I heard that it is not ok to say “we already new or suspected” even if meant as “so, nothing changes in our relationship…”

What are the most supportive things we can say or do when he does come out?

I should say that his parents are going to have a hard time. I am saying prayers. I think it will be fine in end but won’t be the easiest for him or them. That is why I would like the rest of the family members to show unwavering support.

Thanks for your advice.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it matters what you say as long as it’s genuine. I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it, don’t treat him different, don’t ask him questions abou it, etc.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for telling me. I love and accept you!

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the replies.

I meant is that it is “freeing” in that he can talk about his boyfriends etc just like we talk about ours. There has always been a sadness about him that I hope will change

Understand about not making a big deal and treating him same.

Still wondering if saying “we have loved you all these years and knew you were gay, and nothing changes and we will just continue as is” is off limits?

Any different advice for an elderly grandmother whom he is close to? What would be most supportive? (She has also assumed he was gay for years and could care less).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the replies.

I meant is that it is “freeing” in that he can talk about his boyfriends etc just like we talk about ours. There has always been a sadness about him that I hope will change

Understand about not making a big deal and treating him same.

Still wondering if saying “we have loved you all these years and knew you were gay, and nothing changes and we will just continue as is” is off limits?

Any different advice for an elderly grandmother whom he is close to? What would be most supportive? (She has also assumed he was gay for years and could care less).

I really don’t see anything as off limits as long as it’s how you feel. Take your cues from him, less is more, let him open up about it on his own time. You don’t need to get the scoop on his boyfriend situation right away. If he wants to tell you great but otherwise just say what is on your heart then take the kid out for ice cream or something. Seriously it can make it worse when people make it a thing.

[Anonymous]

we have loved you all these years and knew you were gay,

Maybe change “knew” to thought you might be.

[Anonymous]

When I came out, a few people told me that they were expecting it. I didn't mind that response because most people were shocked to hear it.

The best response would be, "I love you, I accept you, our relationship won't change, and I'm so happy you felt like you could tell me. Congratulations."

Coming out was hard and traumatizing for me as a gen Xer.

[Anonymous]

I agree that it doesn’t really matter what you say, but the theme of loving, accepting, thank you for trusting me, etc is good.

And thank you for trying to be fully and entirely supportive of your relative when his parents may not be. It helps to have someone in your corner. Good luck to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for telling me. I love and accept you!

This. There is no need to say you knew / suspected. If you really want to say that nothing changes, I guess you can, but consider he may not feel that the status quo was ideal. "I'm happy for you" would be better.

[Anonymous]

Thank you everyone. Extremely helpful.

Does this same advice hold for his cousins who are around his age. They may look to me for best thing to say/do. Would texts of support from all help, or less the better and they just carry on hanging out? I am not sure if my nephew will announce it to them or assume they already know. I hear people say just follow his lead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for telling me. I love and accept you!

How silly. The unspoken "still" is VERY loud here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for telling me. I love and accept you!

How silly. The unspoken "still" is VERY loud here.

Someone has issues…

[Anonymous]

I don't like the "we always knew!" because it comes off like you know their sexuality better than they do. They may have been struggling for years, and to have someone say that can feel like a slap in the face to someone who struggled.

Generally, reiterating your love is great. Saying that you're so glad they are comfortable enough to tell you. Saying that you'll support them no matter what comes. And a big hug!

[Anonymous]

this sounds perfect!
The best response would be, "I love you, I accept you, our relationship won't change, and I'm so happy you felt like you could tell me. Congratulations."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the replies.

I meant is that it is “freeing” in that he can talk about his boyfriends etc just like we talk about ours. There has always been a sadness about him that I hope will change

Understand about not making a big deal and treating him same.

Still wondering if saying “we have loved you all these years and knew you were gay, and nothing changes and we will just continue as is” is off limits?

Any different advice for an elderly grandmother whom he is close to? What would be most supportive? (She has also assumed he was gay for years and could care less).

There's no point in saying you knew he was gay. It's a useless thing to say, just skip it. Grandma should just say She loves and accepts him and would like to meet his boyfriend before she dies.