Any other gay people feel conflicted about their sexuality?

[Anonymous]

Not self loathing, but more, why me? Why am I like this? How can I be part of 5% of the population.

I started experimenting right after college and it was a relief to learn what my sexuality/attraction is. It helped me understand certain aspects of my life. And at some level grew my empathy for others who have minority status or another reason they are not what is considered mainstream.

But the flip side is feeling I have to hide. For example, a woman who works in the same industry asked me out and when I told her I was gay, she was very surprised and has stopped talking to me. Or not being able to share basic information about my social life to people at the company. Yes, I can get married to another man if the right person comes along, but will never be the typical person in a suburban neighborhood, will always be the "guy in the gay couple".

[Anonymous]

She stopped talking to you because you’re not straight, and she wanted to date you. She didn’t want you as a friend. She probably couldn’t care less about you and your being gay. Most people don’t spend a lot of time actually thinking about other people. Love you life, don’t worry so much about what others think or say behind your back. It’s just noise, irrelevant to you.

[Anonymous]

This is something that a lot of us go through very early on, but hopefully you’ll get over it. If you’re still feeling these feelings after a while I suggest a competetent and compassionate therapist.

It’s more than 5% and there’s nothing you can do about it other than, eventually, accept it. And you don’t have to hide.

[Anonymous]

I’m sure some do. But this is self loathing. I don’t why coming out for some gay men is relatively easy and for others relatively hard or drawn out. But, personally I cannot relate at all.

[Anonymous]

Internalized homophobia is alive and real.

I have been out for 30 years. Married to a woman for 24 years. Parent of 2 teenagers. I am out everywhere - family, work, kids school, kids activities, etc...and I still come out to someone new at least a few times/month. But it gets easier and you stop caring (as much) what people think (I mean I don't care what the mechanic thinks when I say "My wife will pick up the car today around 5pm")

As far as being the 'guy in a gay couple' I guess that is us (lesbian couple) in our neighborhood. But we are loved (the outpouring of support from neighborhood families when one of our kids had a serious health crisis was astounding), we are involved in all the social activities, and are just another "typical" family/couple in our friend group that deals with kid issues, which spouse forgets to take out the trash, and figuring out what is for dinner.

Therapy can be really helpful to process your feelings (with an affirming therapist.) Good luck! Enjoy your life. Being out is 1000000x better than living a lie and trying to be someone you aren't.

[Anonymous]

Obviously she stopped talking to you because she wanted to date you and you are gay. She’s not looking for a friend.

But there are a zillion straight women out there who love gay men as friends, sometimes to the point of annoyance. Be careful what you wish for.

[Anonymous]

OP and want to thank people for their responses. Everybody has a different story, but unlike those who knew they were gay in HS or even in the 3rd grade, I was in my twenties when I finally came to the realization and accepted that there is nothing you can do about it. This is after a significant amount of time living what would be considered a typical heterosexual lifestyle. Perhaps being a late bloomer is why I wrestle with "how did I get here thoughts". But then certain decisions and situations in my life make sense when I put them in the context of eventually knowing I am gay.

Will also add that.family and friends have been very understanding. And in terms of the woman who asked me out, we were friends for a while before she suggested we give romance a try.

[Anonymous]

All of your posts make it sound like you think it’s wrong to be gay. Like your post where you said you had to accept there’s nothing you can do about it. I think you need more gay friends. Not to date, but to socialize with. And maybe date. It’s easier to feel normal when you’re not the only person dealing with something. Way more than 5% of the population is lgbt. I’ve never said why me about my sexuality, but I’ve also never felt isolated. I have no problem with limiting interactions with people who would be negative or homophobic, which is basically most of my family of origin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP and want to thank people for their responses. Everybody has a different story, but unlike those who knew they were gay in HS or even in the 3rd grade, I was in my twenties when I finally came to the realization and accepted that there is nothing you can do about it. This is after a significant amount of time living what would be considered a typical heterosexual lifestyle. Perhaps being a late bloomer is why I wrestle with "how did I get here thoughts". But then certain decisions and situations in my life make sense when I put them in the context of eventually knowing I am gay.

Will also add that.family and friends have been very understanding. And in terms of the woman who asked me out, we were friends for a while before she suggested we give romance a try.

She probably had feelings for you and needed some distance once she knew you were out of bounds.

I don’t think of people according to their sexuality, especially since getting married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not self loathing, but more, why me? Why am I like this? How can I be part of 5% of the population.

I started experimenting right after college and it was a relief to learn what my sexuality/attraction is. It helped me understand certain aspects of my life. And at some level grew my empathy for others who have minority status or another reason they are not what is considered mainstream.

But the flip side is feeling I have to hide. For example, a woman who works in the same industry asked me out and when I told her I was gay, she was very surprised and has stopped talking to me. Or not being able to share basic information about my social life to people at the company. Yes, I can get married to another man if the right person comes along, but will never be the typical person in a suburban neighborhood, will always be the "guy in the gay couple".

Gays are way less than 2% of the population. Not 5%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is something that a lot of us go through very early on, but hopefully you’ll get over it. If you’re still feeling these feelings after a while I suggest a competetent and compassionate therapist.

It’s more than 5% and there’s nothing you can do about it other than, eventually, accept it. And you don’t have to hide.

I wish!

5% of the adult male population being gay seems generous to me. Does seem higher in DC but the dating pool is still extremely small.

You are always going to be "not normal" and just need to deal with it, no matter how kind people are. Yes, it's annoying, yes it is tiresome, but nothing is going to change for you and society also isn't changing. In this day and age single gays have more in common with single straights than to married gays, but as the vast majority are still single.... it's the singles penalty for life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not self loathing, but more, why me? Why am I like this? How can I be part of 5% of the population.

I started experimenting right after college and it was a relief to learn what my sexuality/attraction is. It helped me understand certain aspects of my life. And at some level grew my empathy for others who have minority status or another reason they are not what is considered mainstream.

But the flip side is feeling I have to hide. For example, a woman who works in the same industry asked me out and when I told her I was gay, she was very surprised and has stopped talking to me. Or not being able to share basic information about my social life to people at the company. Yes, I can get married to another man if the right person comes along, but will never be the typical person in a suburban neighborhood, will always be the "guy in the gay couple".

Gays are way less than 2% of the population. Not 5%.

It's hard to get precise numbera due to social stigma an self confusion, but, nope.

https://news.gallup.com/poll/389792/lgbt-identification-ticks-up.aspx

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is something that a lot of us go through very early on, but hopefully you’ll get over it. If you’re still feeling these feelings after a while I suggest a competetent and compassionate therapist.

It’s more than 5% and there’s nothing you can do about it other than, eventually, accept it. And you don’t have to hide.

I wish!

5% of the adult male population being gay seems generous to me. Does seem higher in DC but the dating pool is still extremely small.

You are always going to be "not normal" and just need to deal with it, no matter how kind people are. Yes, it's annoying, yes it is tiresome, but nothing is going to change for you and society also isn't changing. In this day and age single gays have more in common with single straights than to married gays, but as the vast majority are still single.... it's the singles penalty for life.

It’s perfectly normal to be gay. Just because something is uncommon doesn’t mean it’s not normal. It’s normal to have red hair, but uncommon.

[Anonymous]

Not the OP here. Yes, it’s normal and yes most people accept it. But I’m one of those self-loathing guys who is nearing retirement age and has never been completely out - far from it, in fact. I’m ashamed about that but at this age I just feel like there’s no way I could do it. So I just trudge along hiding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not the OP here. Yes, it’s normal and yes most people accept it. But I’m one of those self-loathing guys who is nearing retirement age and has never been completely out - far from it, in fact. I’m ashamed about that but at this age I just feel like there’s no way I could do it. So I just trudge along hiding.

It's really hard for closeted people to find a partner. First off, you're trying to present as a straight person. Second, many gay people do not want to date someone that's closeted because they have to partially go back into the closet to be with you. We all pay a price when we come out. Some people are lucky and that price is not particularly high. For others, they lose everyone. Most of us are in between. Being a closeted fearful self-loathing middle aged queer person isn't a great way to live. I would suggest speaking to a therapist that specializes in LGBTQ people. There are a lot in the DC area.