Specific midlife crisis issue: playing "what if" with your life?

[Anonymous]

I'm mid-40s. I definitely think I'm in the middle of some kind of mild midlife crisis. Nothing dramatic -- no major marital issues, no big career shift. I'm not doing things like having an affair, making a big purchase, changing my personality, etc.

BUT I am experiencing some mental stuff that makes me understand WHY people do stuff like that at this age in a way I never did before. I did start therapy last year and I think it's been helpful, but it seems to be plateauing and my therapist isn't as helpful with some of this stuff as I'd like. So posting this here in the hopes others have experienced similar and might have some perspectives.

The big thing is that I am experiencing something that is not exactly regret but akin to it. Basically looking at friends and peers and their lives and often finding myself wondering what my life would be like if I'd taken a path more like theirs than mine. Not even thinking "oh I'd be happier" or "that would be better," but just going down this mental pathway of what if I'd done this and this and this with my career, personal life, family choices, financial choices. I find myself doing this very often, pretty much anytime we socialize with friends. Again, not in a jealous way -- honestly my life is pretty good and when I look at friends in different situations, I generally can see things about their lives that might be a little nicer/easier, but also things that are tougher or not as pleasant.

I also can see more clearly than ever before how many choices are dictated by circumstance and upbringing and aren't really even choices. So I can see clearly how certain choices were never really open to me, or conversely how things in my life were almost fated because of my background, and were not as much of a choice as I may have thought of at the time.

I find these thoughts very consuming and I just am doing a lot of navel gazing. It's not miserable, but it feels exhausting. I just want to be more content with what I have (which is good-to-great and I'm lucky in many ways) and stop playing these what ifs. What's done is done. But it's like my middle-aged brain can't accept that and keeps playing this game.

Anyone have any luck in moving on from these what-if thoughts and just let it go? I think it's my brain adjusting to the fact that so many of the major choices of my life (marriage, kids, career) have been made and are done. Now we live with it. But it's like I can't accept that.

Thoughts? Advice? Commiseration? All welcome. TIA.

[Anonymous]

You’re never too old and it’s never too late.
I have to remind myself of this when I go down that path.

[Anonymous]

I have journaling and find this particular advice very pollyanna usually - but it might help in your case: Start keeping a gratitude journal.

A trick my therapist taught me that I've found VERY helpful - for a different kind of thought pattern I found upsetting: When your brain starts doing this "ooh, look at that house, her husband is so handsome, you've never won a writing award" nonsense - acknowledge the thought, and then tell your brain, "Hey, thanks brain. Very helpful right now. Appreciate it, jerk."

It's a way to acknowledge that your thoughts are your thoughts but they aren't "real" - you don't have to give these dumb, harmful thoughts SO much real estate. Just be like, yes, I am having these thoughts. And I have lots of other thoughts, too! Brains are thought-producing machines and they don't always do it in a way that is maximally helpful.

Also remember - yeah, you don't have to be happy all the time. Sometimes you can be jealous, upset, petty, whatever. And that's part of being human.

To the extent that your feelings here are revealing wants or goals you didn't realize you had - can you work toward those goals? Do you actually want these things? To the extent they're not - yeah, acknowledge them, focus on what you're actually happy about and grateful for, and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have journaling and find this particular advice very pollyanna usually - but it might help in your case: Start keeping a gratitude journal.

A trick my therapist taught me that I've found VERY helpful - for a different kind of thought pattern I found upsetting: When your brain starts doing this "ooh, look at that house, her husband is so handsome, you've never won a writing award" nonsense - acknowledge the thought, and then tell your brain, "Hey, thanks brain. Very helpful right now. Appreciate it, jerk."

It's a way to acknowledge that your thoughts are your thoughts but they aren't "real" - you don't have to give these dumb, harmful thoughts SO much real estate. Just be like, yes, I am having these thoughts. And I have lots of other thoughts, too! Brains are thought-producing machines and they don't always do it in a way that is maximally helpful.

Also remember - yeah, you don't have to be happy all the time. Sometimes you can be jealous, upset, petty, whatever. And that's part of being human.

To the extent that your feelings here are revealing wants or goals you didn't realize you had - can you work toward those goals? Do you actually want these things? To the extent they're not - yeah, acknowledge them, focus on what you're actually happy about and grateful for, and move on.

^ *hate* journaling, not have journaling

[Anonymous]

For me, I have the most incredible daughter. And I realize that I could not change/do one single thing differently without turning my life into a life without her in it (that one sperm had to meet that particular egg) - and so I wouldn't change a thing for that reason!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have journaling and find this particular advice very pollyanna usually - but it might help in your case: Start keeping a gratitude journal.

A trick my therapist taught me that I've found VERY helpful - for a different kind of thought pattern I found upsetting: When your brain starts doing this "ooh, look at that house, her husband is so handsome, you've never won a writing award" nonsense - acknowledge the thought, and then tell your brain, "Hey, thanks brain. Very helpful right now. Appreciate it, jerk."

It's a way to acknowledge that your thoughts are your thoughts but they aren't "real" - you don't have to give these dumb, harmful thoughts SO much real estate. Just be like, yes, I am having these thoughts. And I have lots of other thoughts, too! Brains are thought-producing machines and they don't always do it in a way that is maximally helpful.

Also remember - yeah, you don't have to be happy all the time. Sometimes you can be jealous, upset, petty, whatever. And that's part of being human.

To the extent that your feelings here are revealing wants or goals you didn't realize you had - can you work toward those goals? Do you actually want these things? To the extent they're not - yeah, acknowledge them, focus on what you're actually happy about and grateful for, and move on.

Excellent advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have journaling and find this particular advice very pollyanna usually - but it might help in your case: Start keeping a gratitude journal.

A trick my therapist taught me that I've found VERY helpful - for a different kind of thought pattern I found upsetting: When your brain starts doing this "ooh, look at that house, her husband is so handsome, you've never won a writing award" nonsense - acknowledge the thought, and then tell your brain, "Hey, thanks brain. Very helpful right now. Appreciate it, jerk."

It's a way to acknowledge that your thoughts are your thoughts but they aren't "real" - you don't have to give these dumb, harmful thoughts SO much real estate. Just be like, yes, I am having these thoughts. And I have lots of other thoughts, too! Brains are thought-producing machines and they don't always do it in a way that is maximally helpful.

Also remember - yeah, you don't have to be happy all the time. Sometimes you can be jealous, upset, petty, whatever. And that's part of being human.

To the extent that your feelings here are revealing wants or goals you didn't realize you had - can you work toward those goals? Do you actually want these things? To the extent they're not - yeah, acknowledge them, focus on what you're actually happy about and grateful for, and move on.

OP here and this is helpful, thank you. I too hate journaling! My therapist had me start journaling last year and I feel like it's made it worse, like it gives me an outlet for thinking about these things and what I'd like is to cut short these thought processes because they are so unproductive. I like the idea of just talking to my brain like "ok, thanks for weighing in." Like an annoying friend who points out unhelpful things you can't do anything about.

[Anonymous]

Wait until you get a little older. The options will no longer seem like “what I’ve got” vs “what other people have”, but, rather, “what I’ve got” vs “hey, I could be dead” or “but I’ll be dead soon”.

We make choices. Some of those choices wnd up closing off other choices. We are all going to end up in the same place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have journaling and find this particular advice very pollyanna usually - but it might help in your case: Start keeping a gratitude journal.

A trick my therapist taught me that I've found VERY helpful - for a different kind of thought pattern I found upsetting: When your brain starts doing this "ooh, look at that house, her husband is so handsome, you've never won a writing award" nonsense - acknowledge the thought, and then tell your brain, "Hey, thanks brain. Very helpful right now. Appreciate it, jerk."

It's a way to acknowledge that your thoughts are your thoughts but they aren't "real" - you don't have to give these dumb, harmful thoughts SO much real estate. Just be like, yes, I am having these thoughts. And I have lots of other thoughts, too! Brains are thought-producing machines and they don't always do it in a way that is maximally helpful.

Also remember - yeah, you don't have to be happy all the time. Sometimes you can be jealous, upset, petty, whatever. And that's part of being human.

To the extent that your feelings here are revealing wants or goals you didn't realize you had - can you work toward those goals? Do you actually want these things? To the extent they're not - yeah, acknowledge them, focus on what you're actually happy about and grateful for, and move on.

OP here and this is helpful, thank you. I too hate journaling! My therapist had me start journaling last year and I feel like it's made it worse, like it gives me an outlet for thinking about these things and what I'd like is to cut short these thought processes because they are so unproductive. I like the idea of just talking to my brain like "ok, thanks for weighing in." Like an annoying friend who points out unhelpful things you can't do anything about.

I am PP - and yes, exactly! I have a super fun fear of driving over bridges, and I use that trick with myself now when I have to go over a bridge. Does it cure me of the fear? No! Heck no. But it gives me something to do and sort of takes a bit of the SERIOUSNESS out of the picture.

Maybe instead of a gratitude journal you can start a btchy unhelpful thoughts journal. Just for you, as a place to vent or whatever. Like take the pressure off of yourself to be happy and perfect all the time. Sometimes you want to be a little mean and sorry for yourself! Why is that so bad? Just make sure no one ever sees it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have journaling and find this particular advice very pollyanna usually - but it might help in your case: Start keeping a gratitude journal.

A trick my therapist taught me that I've found VERY helpful - for a different kind of thought pattern I found upsetting: When your brain starts doing this "ooh, look at that house, her husband is so handsome, you've never won a writing award" nonsense - acknowledge the thought, and then tell your brain, "Hey, thanks brain. Very helpful right now. Appreciate it, jerk."

It's a way to acknowledge that your thoughts are your thoughts but they aren't "real" - you don't have to give these dumb, harmful thoughts SO much real estate. Just be like, yes, I am having these thoughts. And I have lots of other thoughts, too! Brains are thought-producing machines and they don't always do it in a way that is maximally helpful.

Also remember - yeah, you don't have to be happy all the time. Sometimes you can be jealous, upset, petty, whatever. And that's part of being human.

To the extent that your feelings here are revealing wants or goals you didn't realize you had - can you work toward those goals? Do you actually want these things? To the extent they're not - yeah, acknowledge them, focus on what you're actually happy about and grateful for, and move on.

OP here and this is helpful, thank you. I too hate journaling! My therapist had me start journaling last year and I feel like it's made it worse, like it gives me an outlet for thinking about these things and what I'd like is to cut short these thought processes because they are so unproductive. I like the idea of just talking to my brain like "ok, thanks for weighing in." Like an annoying friend who points out unhelpful things you can't do anything about.

I am PP - and yes, exactly! I have a super fun fear of driving over bridges, and I use that trick with myself now when I have to go over a bridge. Does it cure me of the fear? No! Heck no. But it gives me something to do and sort of takes a bit of the SERIOUSNESS out of the picture.

Maybe instead of a gratitude journal you can start a btchy unhelpful thoughts journal. Just for you, as a place to vent or whatever. Like take the pressure off of yourself to be happy and perfect all the time. Sometimes you want to be a little mean and sorry for yourself! Why is that so bad? Just make sure no one ever sees it!

OP again. This made me laugh. Truthfully I don't feel sorry for myself! My life is great in so many ways. It's more like I'll go out to dinner with a friend who is a doctor and he'll talk about how much he loves his job, and I'll come home and find myself thinking, "huh I wonder what would have happened if I'd put all the time and energy and effort Bill put into becoming a doctor to the same, if I'd have that kind of job satisfaction." This is a weird and ridiculous thought because I literally never had ANY interest in becoming a doctor, it is 100% not the job for me, and also, my job is actually pretty good. But it's just this weird trick my brain plays on me that results in me up at midnight wondering if maybe I didn't try hard enough at life or something, even though I'm comparing myself to I don't really even envy. I mean -- med school, internship, residency, fellowship, long hours, plus you know, all that icky body stuff. I don't want that! So why on earth am I suddenly oddly wistful that it's not something I did? It's so weird, and as someone who has never really experienced much envy or jealousy as an adult, I don't know what to do with it.

That's why I'm suddenly getting why people do weird things at midlife. I think your brain plays these weird tricks on you and tries to convince you that what you have isn't good enough and people get frantic. But I have an amazing family, a great partner, a nice house, a solid career, nothing I want or am going to throw away. Instead I'm just having this isolated yucky feelings of like, I don't know, missed opportunity or something? I know it must be common because there is so much ink spilled on midlife issues, but I'm almost embarrassed to be going through it myself. I guess I thought I'd avoid it because my life is mostly pretty great save for a few bumps in the road that could happen to anyone.

I just had a birthday, can you tell

[Anonymous]

Comparison is the thief of joy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Comparison is the thief of joy

+1. And you experience a real crisis, you'll realize how good you had it before.

[Anonymous]

In mediation, I do something similar to PP who acknowledges that thoughts are just thoughts, but I don't call my thinking mind a jerk. I just look at it with gentle curiosity. What you want to see is why your mind is thinking the way it does. Usually it’s the result of old patterns, value judgments you were taught when you were really young and didn’t know better, ideas of life that you might have absorbed incorrectly, etc. When you just gently observe without judging, these are easier to see and undo.

The other great thing about observing your mind without judging and calling it a jerk is that over time, you will develop empathy for both yourself and others, because as you see how your mind made mistakes, you will see how many others’ are in the same boat. This is what shifts you from navel gazing to focusing on others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In mediation, I do something similar to PP who acknowledges that thoughts are just thoughts, but I don't call my thinking mind a jerk. I just look at it with gentle curiosity. What you want to see is why your mind is thinking the way it does. Usually it’s the result of old patterns, value judgments you were taught when you were really young and didn’t know better, ideas of life that you might have absorbed incorrectly, etc. When you just gently observe without judging, these are easier to see and undo.

The other great thing about observing your mind without judging and calling it a jerk is that over time, you will develop empathy for both yourself and others, because as you see how your mind made mistakes, you will see how many others’ are in the same boat. This is what shifts you from navel gazing to focusing on others.

agree and think it's weird for therapist to suggest you call your thoughts a 'jerk'. Thoughts may not be accurate but they are a honest reflection of part of you.

[Anonymous]

That’s not an age thing so much as a mindset thing. It’s common to think that the grass is always greener.

For me, it comes back to self acceptance. I accept that I’ve done the best I can with what I have and others haven’t had to live my life, so comparing myself to them is a purposeless activity.