Specific midlife crisis issue: playing "what if" with your life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s not an age thing so much as a mindset thing. It’s common to think that the grass is always greener.

For me, it comes back to self acceptance. I accept that I’ve done the best I can with what I have and others haven’t had to live my life, so comparing myself to them is a purposeless activity.

For me it's an age thing. When I was 25 or even 35, I didn't think "what if I did this for living" or "what if I lived in that city" or "what if I had another kid." I contemplated those things as real options because they were.

By 45, many avenues in life are closed off to you. I think for women, in particular, the end of your fertility is such a firm closure on an era of life where you are making choices about the kind of life you will live. In some ways this is reassuring. But it's also scary. There's no going back.

Oh sure, you could move to another city or go back to school for a new degree or find a new spouse. But these changes cost more the older you are. I have always been someone who embraced the challenge of a new city or a new job, but the older I get, the more obstacles there are. And being a parent changes the math on everything. The degree to which my options are prescribed by how they would impact my children is dramatic.

So midlife "grass is greener" is different in quality than what you might experience when you are younger. It's less about envying what someone else has and more about realizing you are far less free in your choices than you once were, and that can make it harder to make a big change even when it's clearly what is needed. Very different in quality than the way people might envy friend's lives in earlier stages of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s not an age thing so much as a mindset thing. It’s common to think that the grass is always greener.

For me, it comes back to self acceptance. I accept that I’ve done the best I can with what I have and others haven’t had to live my life, so comparing myself to them is a purposeless activity.

For me it's an age thing. When I was 25 or even 35, I didn't think "what if I did this for living" or "what if I lived in that city" or "what if I had another kid." I contemplated those things as real options because they were.

By 45, many avenues in life are closed off to you. I think for women, in particular, the end of your fertility is such a firm closure on an era of life where you are making choices about the kind of life you will live. In some ways this is reassuring. But it's also scary. There's no going back.

Oh sure, you could move to another city or go back to school for a new degree or find a new spouse. But these changes cost more the older you are. I have always been someone who embraced the challenge of a new city or a new job, but the older I get, the more obstacles there are. And being a parent changes the math on everything. The degree to which my options are prescribed by how they would impact my children is dramatic.

So midlife "grass is greener" is different in quality than what you might experience when you are younger. It's less about envying what someone else has and more about realizing you are far less free in your choices than you once were, and that can make it harder to make a big change even when it's clearly what is needed. Very different in quality than the way people might envy friend's lives in earlier stages of life.

I just don’t look at the world the way that you do. I never did, even in my 20s. I always understood that my options were limited.

Mortality seems more tangible, yes, but I never believed I would live forever.

It’s more a gradual change but that’s probably because I’ve always been relatively pragmatic.

People are different no matter how old they are.

[Anonymous]

Cognitive behavioral therapy can be helpful for ruminating. You can buy workbooks to learn and practice the strategies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s not an age thing so much as a mindset thing. It’s common to think that the grass is always greener.

For me, it comes back to self acceptance. I accept that I’ve done the best I can with what I have and others haven’t had to live my life, so comparing myself to them is a purposeless activity.

For me it's an age thing. When I was 25 or even 35, I didn't think "what if I did this for living" or "what if I lived in that city" or "what if I had another kid." I contemplated those things as real options because they were.

By 45, many avenues in life are closed off to you. I think for women, in particular, the end of your fertility is such a firm closure on an era of life where you are making choices about the kind of life you will live. In some ways this is reassuring. But it's also scary. There's no going back.

Oh sure, you could move to another city or go back to school for a new degree or find a new spouse. But these changes cost more the older you are. I have always been someone who embraced the challenge of a new city or a new job, but the older I get, the more obstacles there are. And being a parent changes the math on everything. The degree to which my options are prescribed by how they would impact my children is dramatic.

So midlife "grass is greener" is different in quality than what you might experience when you are younger. It's less about envying what someone else has and more about realizing you are far less free in your choices than you once were, and that can make it harder to make a big change even when it's clearly what is needed. Very different in quality than the way people might envy friend's lives in earlier stages of life.

I just don’t look at the world the way that you do. I never did, even in my 20s. I always understood that my options were limited.

Mortality seems more tangible, yes, but I never believed I would live forever.

It’s more a gradual change but that’s probably because I’ve always been relatively pragmatic.

People are different no matter how old they are.

Then why comment? This thread is in the Midlife Concerns forum, and is explicitly about the "what if" feelings that sometimes accompany midlife malaise. You are trying to make it about something else (being jealous of friends) but it's about a specific midlife experience.

If you don't have that experience, great. But then your "insight" isn't very helpful. You are just patting yourself on the back for not having this issue. Who cares? It's like weighing in on a thread about back pain to inform someone "Oh I don't experience back pain like that. I've found my overall fitness is such that my back is really never an issue." It's just supremely unhelpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s not an age thing so much as a mindset thing. It’s common to think that the grass is always greener.

For me, it comes back to self acceptance. I accept that I’ve done the best I can with what I have and others haven’t had to live my life, so comparing myself to them is a purposeless activity.

For me it's an age thing. When I was 25 or even 35, I didn't think "what if I did this for living" or "what if I lived in that city" or "what if I had another kid." I contemplated those things as real options because they were.

By 45, many avenues in life are closed off to you. I think for women, in particular, the end of your fertility is such a firm closure on an era of life where you are making choices about the kind of life you will live. In some ways this is reassuring. But it's also scary. There's no going back.

Oh sure, you could move to another city or go back to school for a new degree or find a new spouse. But these changes cost more the older you are. I have always been someone who embraced the challenge of a new city or a new job, but the older I get, the more obstacles there are. And being a parent changes the math on everything. The degree to which my options are prescribed by how they would impact my children is dramatic.

So midlife "grass is greener" is different in quality than what you might experience when you are younger. It's less about envying what someone else has and more about realizing you are far less free in your choices than you once were, and that can make it harder to make a big change even when it's clearly what is needed. Very different in quality than the way people might envy friend's lives in earlier stages of life.

I just don’t look at the world the way that you do. I never did, even in my 20s. I always understood that my options were limited.

Mortality seems more tangible, yes, but I never believed I would live forever.

It’s more a gradual change but that’s probably because I’ve always been relatively pragmatic.

People are different no matter how old they are.

Then why comment? This thread is in the Midlife Concerns forum, and is explicitly about the "what if" feelings that sometimes accompany midlife malaise. You are trying to make it about something else (being jealous of friends) but it's about a specific midlife experience.

If you don't have that experience, great. But then your "insight" isn't very helpful. You are just patting yourself on the back for not having this issue. Who cares? It's like weighing in on a thread about back pain to inform someone "Oh I don't experience back pain like that. I've found my overall fitness is such that my back is really never an issue." It's just supremely unhelpful.

It’s not healthy to blame issues on age. Age is just a number. You can actually do something about your mindset but not your age. That IS helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s not an age thing so much as a mindset thing. It’s common to think that the grass is always greener.

For me, it comes back to self acceptance. I accept that I’ve done the best I can with what I have and others haven’t had to live my life, so comparing myself to them is a purposeless activity.

For me it's an age thing. When I was 25 or even 35, I didn't think "what if I did this for living" or "what if I lived in that city" or "what if I had another kid." I contemplated those things as real options because they were.

By 45, many avenues in life are closed off to you. I think for women, in particular, the end of your fertility is such a firm closure on an era of life where you are making choices about the kind of life you will live. In some ways this is reassuring. But it's also scary. There's no going back.

Oh sure, you could move to another city or go back to school for a new degree or find a new spouse. But these changes cost more the older you are. I have always been someone who embraced the challenge of a new city or a new job, but the older I get, the more obstacles there are. And being a parent changes the math on everything. The degree to which my options are prescribed by how they would impact my children is dramatic.

So midlife "grass is greener" is different in quality than what you might experience when you are younger. It's less about envying what someone else has and more about realizing you are far less free in your choices than you once were, and that can make it harder to make a big change even when it's clearly what is needed. Very different in quality than the way people might envy friend's lives in earlier stages of life.

I agree. I can’t stop asking how I got here or why I thought this is what I wanted. And I got everything I wanted, but what I want at 45 is not what I thought I wanted at 30.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s not an age thing so much as a mindset thing. It’s common to think that the grass is always greener.

For me, it comes back to self acceptance. I accept that I’ve done the best I can with what I have and others haven’t had to live my life, so comparing myself to them is a purposeless activity.

For me it's an age thing. When I was 25 or even 35, I didn't think "what if I did this for living" or "what if I lived in that city" or "what if I had another kid." I contemplated those things as real options because they were.

By 45, many avenues in life are closed off to you. I think for women, in particular, the end of your fertility is such a firm closure on an era of life where you are making choices about the kind of life you will live. In some ways this is reassuring. But it's also scary. There's no going back.

Oh sure, you could move to another city or go back to school for a new degree or find a new spouse. But these changes cost more the older you are. I have always been someone who embraced the challenge of a new city or a new job, but the older I get, the more obstacles there are. And being a parent changes the math on everything. The degree to which my options are prescribed by how they would impact my children is dramatic.

So midlife "grass is greener" is different in quality than what you might experience when you are younger. It's less about envying what someone else has and more about realizing you are far less free in your choices than you once were, and that can make it harder to make a big change even when it's clearly what is needed. Very different in quality than the way people might envy friend's lives in earlier stages of life.

I just don’t look at the world the way that you do. I never did, even in my 20s. I always understood that my options were limited.

Mortality seems more tangible, yes, but I never believed I would live forever.

It’s more a gradual change but that’s probably because I’ve always been relatively pragmatic.

People are different no matter how old they are.

Then why comment? This thread is in the Midlife Concerns forum, and is explicitly about the "what if" feelings that sometimes accompany midlife malaise. You are trying to make it about something else (being jealous of friends) but it's about a specific midlife experience.

If you don't have that experience, great. But then your "insight" isn't very helpful. You are just patting yourself on the back for not having this issue. Who cares? It's like weighing in on a thread about back pain to inform someone "Oh I don't experience back pain like that. I've found my overall fitness is such that my back is really never an issue." It's just supremely unhelpful.

It’s not healthy to blame issues on age. Age is just a number. You can actually do something about your mindset but not your age. That IS helpful.

Actually, age is NOT just a number. That's a nice thing to say to yourself so you don't prematurely discount yourself. But it's not true. A 2 year old can't take college classes. And 80 year old should not play football. A 63 year old woman can't get pregnant. A teenage boy isn't very wise. Age is a concrete feature of a person's identity that absolutely influences what they can and cannot do, what opportunities they have, how others view them, etc. And grappling with getting older is not "blaming issues on age." Stop gaslighting people and telling them their feelings are incorrect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s not an age thing so much as a mindset thing. It’s common to think that the grass is always greener.

For me, it comes back to self acceptance. I accept that I’ve done the best I can with what I have and others haven’t had to live my life, so comparing myself to them is a purposeless activity.

For me it's an age thing. When I was 25 or even 35, I didn't think "what if I did this for living" or "what if I lived in that city" or "what if I had another kid." I contemplated those things as real options because they were.

By 45, many avenues in life are closed off to you. I think for women, in particular, the end of your fertility is such a firm closure on an era of life where you are making choices about the kind of life you will live. In some ways this is reassuring. But it's also scary. There's no going back.

Oh sure, you could move to another city or go back to school for a new degree or find a new spouse. But these changes cost more the older you are. I have always been someone who embraced the challenge of a new city or a new job, but the older I get, the more obstacles there are. And being a parent changes the math on everything. The degree to which my options are prescribed by how they would impact my children is dramatic.

So midlife "grass is greener" is different in quality than what you might experience when you are younger. It's less about envying what someone else has and more about realizing you are far less free in your choices than you once were, and that can make it harder to make a big change even when it's clearly what is needed. Very different in quality than the way people might envy friend's lives in earlier stages of life.

I feel this so deeply... thanks for articulating it beautifully. It's an entirely different ballgame when kids are involved.

[Anonymous]

I do this. Most of my friends went to law school, med school, or shifted to tech careers around 30, or waited longer to have kids, so as our paths diverged over the last decade it's making the "what ifs" look much more poignant. I COULD have done those things. I was smart enough. But I didn't, more out of ignorance than real reasons, and now I can't.

Honestly, I just need to find other wheels for my anxiois brain to run on. Travel planning is a great one for me right now because it gives me something to look forward to in the future, rather than dwelling in the past. I mean researching destinations I won't have time to go to for years, taking day and weekend trips, and financial planning for big future trips can make it take up more mental space than just the next vacation.

[Anonymous]

But I have an amazing family, a great partner, a nice house, a solid career, nothing I want or am going to throw away. Instead I'm just having this isolated yucky feelings of like, I don't know, missed opportunity or something? I know it must be common because there is so much ink spilled on midlife issues, but I'm almost embarrassed to be going through it myself. I guess I thought I'd avoid it because my life is mostly pretty great save for a few bumps in the road that could happen to anyone.



This so resonates with me. Same feeling of missing something, like there's something important I didn't do yet. Coupled with sheer exhaustion and lack of time, naturally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s not an age thing so much as a mindset thing. It’s common to think that the grass is always greener.

For me, it comes back to self acceptance. I accept that I’ve done the best I can with what I have and others haven’t had to live my life, so comparing myself to them is a purposeless activity.

For me it's an age thing. When I was 25 or even 35, I didn't think "what if I did this for living" or "what if I lived in that city" or "what if I had another kid." I contemplated those things as real options because they were.

By 45, many avenues in life are closed off to you. I think for women, in particular, the end of your fertility is such a firm closure on an era of life where you are making choices about the kind of life you will live. In some ways this is reassuring. But it's also scary. There's no going back.

Oh sure, you could move to another city or go back to school for a new degree or find a new spouse. But these changes cost more the older you are. I have always been someone who embraced the challenge of a new city or a new job, but the older I get, the more obstacles there are. And being a parent changes the math on everything. The degree to which my options are prescribed by how they would impact my children is dramatic.

So midlife "grass is greener" is different in quality than what you might experience when you are younger. It's less about envying what someone else has and more about realizing you are far less free in your choices than you once were, and that can make it harder to make a big change even when it's clearly what is needed. Very different in quality than the way people might envy friend's lives in earlier stages of life.

I just don’t look at the world the way that you do. I never did, even in my 20s. I always understood that my options were limited.

Mortality seems more tangible, yes, but I never believed I would live forever.

It’s more a gradual change but that’s probably because I’ve always been relatively pragmatic.

People are different no matter how old they are.

Then why comment? This thread is in the Midlife Concerns forum, and is explicitly about the "what if" feelings that sometimes accompany midlife malaise. You are trying to make it about something else (being jealous of friends) but it's about a specific midlife experience.

If you don't have that experience, great. But then your "insight" isn't very helpful. You are just patting yourself on the back for not having this issue. Who cares? It's like weighing in on a thread about back pain to inform someone "Oh I don't experience back pain like that. I've found my overall fitness is such that my back is really never an issue." It's just supremely unhelpful.

+100000 to this.
i NEVER understand people who comment that they DONT share the poster's feelings. How is that helpful??????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have journaling and find this particular advice very pollyanna usually - but it might help in your case: Start keeping a gratitude journal.

A trick my therapist taught me that I've found VERY helpful - for a different kind of thought pattern I found upsetting: When your brain starts doing this "ooh, look at that house, her husband is so handsome, you've never won a writing award" nonsense - acknowledge the thought, and then tell your brain, "Hey, thanks brain. Very helpful right now. Appreciate it, jerk."

It's a way to acknowledge that your thoughts are your thoughts but they aren't "real" - you don't have to give these dumb, harmful thoughts SO much real estate. Just be like, yes, I am having these thoughts. And I have lots of other thoughts, too! Brains are thought-producing machines and they don't always do it in a way that is maximally helpful.

Also remember - yeah, you don't have to be happy all the time. Sometimes you can be jealous, upset, petty, whatever. And that's part of being human.

To the extent that your feelings here are revealing wants or goals you didn't realize you had - can you work toward those goals? Do you actually want these things? To the extent they're not - yeah, acknowledge them, focus on what you're actually happy about and grateful for, and move on.

OP here and this is helpful, thank you. I too hate journaling! My therapist had me start journaling last year and I feel like it's made it worse, like it gives me an outlet for thinking about these things and what I'd like is to cut short these thought processes because they are so unproductive. I like the idea of just talking to my brain like "ok, thanks for weighing in." Like an annoying friend who points out unhelpful things you can't do anything about.

I am PP - and yes, exactly! I have a super fun fear of driving over bridges, and I use that trick with myself now when I have to go over a bridge. Does it cure me of the fear? No! Heck no. But it gives me something to do and sort of takes a bit of the SERIOUSNESS out of the picture.

Maybe instead of a gratitude journal you can start a btchy unhelpful thoughts journal. Just for you, as a place to vent or whatever. Like take the pressure off of yourself to be happy and perfect all the time. Sometimes you want to be a little mean and sorry for yourself! Why is that so bad? Just make sure no one ever sees it!

OP again. This made me laugh. Truthfully I don't feel sorry for myself! My life is great in so many ways. It's more like I'll go out to dinner with a friend who is a doctor and he'll talk about how much he loves his job, and I'll come home and find myself thinking, "huh I wonder what would have happened if I'd put all the time and energy and effort Bill put into becoming a doctor to the same, if I'd have that kind of job satisfaction." This is a weird and ridiculous thought because I literally never had ANY interest in becoming a doctor, it is 100% not the job for me, and also, my job is actually pretty good. But it's just this weird trick my brain plays on me that results in me up at midnight wondering if maybe I didn't try hard enough at life or something, even though I'm comparing myself to I don't really even envy. I mean -- med school, internship, residency, fellowship, long hours, plus you know, all that icky body stuff. I don't want that! So why on earth am I suddenly oddly wistful that it's not something I did? It's so weird, and as someone who has never really experienced much envy or jealousy as an adult, I don't know what to do with it.

That's why I'm suddenly getting why people do weird things at midlife. I think your brain plays these weird tricks on you and tries to convince you that what you have isn't good enough and people get frantic. But I have an amazing family, a great partner, a nice house, a solid career, nothing I want or am going to throw away. Instead I'm just having this isolated yucky feelings of like, I don't know, missed opportunity or something? I know it must be common because there is so much ink spilled on midlife issues, but I'm almost embarrassed to be going through it myself. I guess I thought I'd avoid it because my life is mostly pretty great save for a few bumps in the road that could happen to anyone.

I just had a birthday, can you tell

Go over to the health section and read how unhappy many doctors are. Maybe Bill says he loves his job so much because it pains him to think how long he trained for this for insurance companies to make work so hard.

Think of how many billions of people there are in the world. How many don't become doctors or tech moguls or world leaders? Answer - most of them.

[Anonymous]

I do this with my marriage. I'm happily married and have no interest in leaving my spouse (or cheating). We have a wonderful child together who I love with all of my being and I would never wish our if existence.

But sometimes I think about what if I'd stayed with this or that ex. Or I meet someone interesting I'm attracted to and think what if I'd met this person instead of my spouse.

It's not longing, I'm not sitting around wishing I'd married someone else. I just think "what if I had?" Like a thought experiment to occupy my mind. I think my brain does it to deal with long-term monogamy, like virtual dating that only happens inside my head.

It's also a bubble that pops. There is almost always a significant reason why it's unlikely things would have worked out as well with someone else. With exes-- well, we broke up for reasons. With others, there's always something. Recently I met someone I had real chemistry with who is also married with kids. But the "what ifs" were shortlived because they have an extremely different values/religious profile to me. We light have attraction but it would never work.

I think the same is true of a lot of careers. You'll think "oh what if I'd become a lawyer," but if you think about it, there are concrete reasons why you didn't, and also like any job it has downsides (there are lots of unhappy lawyers).

But I think it's normal to wonder at this age. It's not a betrayal of your real life. They are just thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Sending you lots of compassion, OP. I’ve been in your place and it’s hard. Reading The Happiness Curve helped me understand how prevalent these feelings are in midlife and that helped relieve my guilt for feeling unsettled by “what ifs” when I have a great life.

I also remind myself that “what ifs” are necessarily false premises. If you can glean something helpful from them like another poster suggested, that’s great! For me, though, they tend to be totally unproductive and realizing that helped me stop getting bogged down in them. I’m now in a place where “what ifs” don’t hold much/any interest because I know there’s just no way to know how things might have turned out differently.

Your moral/spiritual beliefs might also help. If you believe in reincarnation, there’s nothing lost by a path not taken in this life. If you believe in a heaven-type afterlife, maybe whatever career/spouse/other path you’ve chosen won’t matter to you once you get there (think Beatrice seeing Dante in The Divine Comedy - she’s happy enough to see him, but her focus is on worship). And regardless of afterlife beliefs, depending on your moral views, maybe none of those choices matter as much as how you treat people.

[Anonymous]

OP, you ruminating on these thoughts -- any thought -- again and again, is what's not healthy. Your problem is not about middle age, your life path or any particular decision.