"I can do better" syndrome
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Anonymous
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It seems unmarried people want to keep looking for better and married people want to divorce to look for better. Everyone thinks grass must be greener elsewhere, no one wants to water, aerate or fertilize their own grass.
What's the etiology and is there a realistic treatment as this syndrome seems to creat unhappy individuals? Is this based in social media where people see airbrushed, filtered and choreographed lux pictures of what happiness looks like while they compare it to unaltered reality and magnified flaws due to proximity? |
Anonymous
| And everyone and their cousin's spouse is an alcoholic narcissist with attention deficit and affairs busy gas lighting their surprised innocent partners who had no idea who they were marrying but they can't divorce because they can't afford to move out of their beloved zip code. |
Anonymous
Ha ha ha! I mean, I have an ADHD/ASD spouse and son, but your phrasing is hilarious. Married 20 years. |
Anonymous
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It's funny you say that because Dh and I both looked at each other after being married and kind of thought "if I could just get this one thing to change life would be perfect" and we each separately worked at the thing to nudge things where we wanted them to be.
I never considered divorcing DH for someone else. |
Anonymous
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I think this is a natural human tendency, which now is exacerbated by the fact that we live too long (far longer than we did even a hundred years ago).
I also think that it is far more stoked an enabled by our communication technology and frequency. in 1840 I wouldn't have known that my high school BF was just 122 miles away and looking pretty good with a great job... |
Anonymous
| We live in a world with infinite choice and possibilities. Feeds into an idea that there is a better choice somewhere out there. |
Anonymous
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How does this affect you?
I absolutely made the right choice to divorce. At the time, I had no immediate plans to find someone else, but I have absolutely found someone much, much better. |
Anonymous
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The real problem is that too many people go into a marriage with the attitude of what they want to get out of marriage/relationship/partnership and too little concern over what they need vs what their partner needs.
Marriage should be considered a work-in-progress. Both of you need to be as concerned about what the other partner wants/needs as you are for what you want/need. And be willing to communicate those wants/needs and work together to find solutions. Marriage breaks down when one or both partners stop trying to help fix the issues surrounding what each partner wants and needs out of the relationship. And especially when it becomes one-sided, e.g. one partner is left to manage the wants/needs of both partners. When that happens, when the supporting partner gives up (and eventually most partners burn out from carrying that full burden), then the marriage is likely over with no turning back and no reconciling. So, before it gets to that point, you have to be willing and able to communicate with each other about the problems and who and how to fix the issues before it reaches the point of no return. But most people are not willing to put that work in and that's how you end up with the divorce rate we have in this country. |
Anonymous
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What is "better"? Better looking? Wealthier? More successful? Or like, a better personality fit?
There's a funny thing that happens the longer I'm married -- everyone I didn't married looks worse and worse, and my DH looks better and better. But a LOT of that is due to the fact that the longer you are married in a functional relationship (we have our issues, some of them actually fairly major, but we have functional communication and maintain mutual respect), the harder it would be to replace your spouse with someone else. Even someone supposedly amazing. Because they wouldn't know you as well, your relationship would be so raw and, essentially, childish. Like my DH drives me nuts sometimes, but the idea that some OTHER man would come into my life and not only not drive me crazy with all of his weird and annoying habits, but also be able to connect with me and figure me out to the degree my DH has over the course of 15+ years? I'm sorry, the odds feel so slim. Also I have enough friends who I've known over the course of similarly long marriages, and I know from observation that nothing, NOTHING in marriage is without tradeoffs. That guy with the high flying, high paying job? Just wait until he's at the peak of his career in his mid 40s to mid 50s, half his colleagues are divorced, and the expectation is that he's going to work every single weekend and every holiday. Even if he's a great guy who pushes against that, I know plenty of women who feel caught in the catch-22 of having a very well-compensated spouse but often feeling very isolated as parents or just as people because of what jobs like that ask of people. And this is true for so many "assets" that people bring to a relationship. There is upside. There is downside. Sometimes the upside way outweighs the downside, but sometimes it's frankly a toss up. Also, regarding physical attraction and looks -- everyone ages. Even the people who stay fit and eat well. Even the ones who get plastic surgery and spend hours at the salon. We all get old. Not even Hollywood celebrities can find a way to look 24 when they are over 45. Not one. So attraction changes a lot with age. And for women, having kids and becoming moms -- god, it's just freaking game changing. I'm not saying it means never being attractive again (I think I'm good looking and I'm a mom). But it is just never the same as that pre-baby, pre-motherhood appearance. Even if your body "bounces back" or whatever. You know too much. That woman is dead. Sorry (for what it's worth, I think the woman who replaces her is usually a spiritual upgrade). Anyway, the idea of "upgrading" a partner at my age just sounds weird. Like I said at the outset -- if we're talking about finding someone who is a better personality fit, maybe better shares your goals and other important life factors, I get it. I'm not anti-divorce and I know people who have divorced and been better for it. But the idea of upgrading based on more superficial factors? Whatever. If you are still thinking in those terms, I think you just don't really "get" marriage yet. Best of luck! |
Anonymous
| The grass is always greener but when you climb over the fence you often step in cow manure. And guess what? It was the manure that made it green in the first place. |
Anonymous
OLD and social media and people willing to fkkk on first meet after answering a message on Tinder and such. |
Anonymous
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I feel I can do better because I remember the days, before my ex spouse changed dramatically, when my marriage was wonderful. That lasted a few years. We were in love. We supported each other. The sex was good and frequent enough. That was long time ago.
Since then I have found partners who are generally not as good as my ex spouse was many years ago, but much better than my spouse was in the last years of our failed marriage. I definitely still think I can do better. |
Anonymous
| If you’re in a marriage where your spouse has lost all desire to be physically affectionate and exhibits disdain and contempt for you, then you absolutely can do better. So if marriage vows have been disregarded and discarded, don’t feel obligated to suffer until you die. |
Anonymous
People are naturally greedy. |
Anonymous
Yes because good marriages requires picking good partners and nourishing the relationship. |