"I can do better" syndrome

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you’re in a marriage where your spouse has lost all desire to be physically affectionate and exhibits disdain and contempt for you, then you absolutely can do better. So if marriage vows have been disregarded and discarded, don’t feel obligated to suffer until you die.

Can we put the first sentence on a shirt?

[Anonymous]

The friends I know that are single past 40 are intentionally so whether they want to admit it or not. Being goldilocks in the dating scene is really just a fear of commitment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's funny you say that because Dh and I both looked at each other after being married and kind of thought "if I could just get this one thing to change life would be perfect" and we each separately worked at the thing to nudge things where we wanted them to be.

I never considered divorcing DH for someone else.

What was the thing? Did he magically grow it bigger?

[Anonymous]

Why is your assumption that the optimal state of being is married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:and exhibits disdain and contempt for you,

But what if that was the result of the spouse slowly realizing that his/her partner was utterly self-absorbed, unreliable, a slob, in denial about their debilitating ADHD, and expecting the other to handle all adulting? That partner can "do better"?

[Anonymous]

Although I’m fiercely independent and quite selfish about my time, I have resigned myself to the fact that I will still have moments when I wish I was happily married.

But I know at this middle age that most married people have those moments much more frequently than me.


Today I’m enjoying a double feature of Sidney Poitier - In the Heat of the Night and To Sir With Love. I didn’t have to negotiate this plan, just did it. I love that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:and exhibits disdain and contempt for you,

But what if that was the result of the spouse slowly realizing that his/her partner was utterly self-absorbed, unreliable, a slob, in denial about their debilitating ADHD, and expecting the other to handle all adulting? That partner can "do better"?

Just you watch…your supposed dud spouse will magically turn into a prince/princess for a new partner.

[Anonymous]

I think we all think that we could do better in some way until you really look around. My husband isn’t perfect but when I look around at our friends and acquaintances I realize how lucky I am.

[Anonymous]

I always thought I could get a high value man (upper caste (I’m an immigrant) and high earning professional with decent looks) and worked really hard to try and find one. Things didn’t work out so at 31 I decided, based on all the rejections I faced from that type of men, to settle for someone who i previously would have rejected. The evidence showed me that in fact, I could not do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And everyone and their cousin's spouse is an alcoholic narcissist with attention deficit and affairs busy gas lighting their surprised innocent partners who had no idea who they were marrying but they can't divorce because they can't afford to move out of their beloved zip code.

😍

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And for women, having kids and becoming moms -- god, it's just freaking game changing. I'm not saying it means never being attractive again (I think I'm good looking and I'm a mom). But it is just never the same as that pre-baby, pre-motherhood appearance. Even if your body "bounces back" or whatever. You know too much. That woman is dead.

Oof.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:and exhibits disdain and contempt for you,

But what if that was the result of the spouse slowly realizing that his/her partner was utterly self-absorbed, unreliable, a slob, in denial about their debilitating ADHD, and expecting the other to handle all adulting? That partner can "do better"?

Just you watch…your supposed dud spouse will magically turn into a prince/princess for a new partner.

Yeah, but that clock will strike midnight eventually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always thought I could get a high value man (upper caste (I’m an immigrant) and high earning professional with decent looks) and worked really hard to try and find one. Things didn’t work out so at 31 I decided, based on all the rejections I faced from that type of men, to settle for someone who i previously would have rejected. The evidence showed me that in fact, I could not do better.

Many women who remain single and claim there are no suitable partners available, have a false sense of self worth. Good for you for being pragmatic and i mean it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you’re in a marriage where your spouse has lost all desire to be physically affectionate and exhibits disdain and contempt for you, then you absolutely can do better. So if marriage vows have been disregarded and discarded, don’t feel obligated to suffer until you die.

Yup. That was me. I haven't found a second spouse but I've had a few nice relationships. It turns out I am still attractive and I'm not dumb. Life is better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always thought I could get a high value man (upper caste (I’m an immigrant) and high earning professional with decent looks) and worked really hard to try and find one. Things didn’t work out so at 31 I decided, based on all the rejections I faced from that type of men, to settle for someone who i previously would have rejected. The evidence showed me that in fact, I could not do better.

Many women who remain single and claim there are no suitable partners available, have a false sense of self worth. Good for you for being pragmatic and i mean it.

Thank you. It wasn’t easy because I genuinely thought I could find someone who met the definition of high value I wrote. I still feel a pang of regret sometimes when I see wives of doctors in our community not having to work but I know that was never an option for me. My kids are worth it, plus I was forced to ramp up my career and actually enjoy it now.