50/50 custody in practice

[Anonymous]

We are in divorce mediation, and we agree to 50/50 custody. But how does it work in practice if you do not want your children living out of a suitcase? Ex wife will be staying in the district and honestly it is kind of ridiculous to have to drag our kids in and out of the district either some days a week or every other week etc. So, this makes me think that the 50/50 custody that everyone talks about is only practical if both parents are in the same school district, otherwise the kids will suffer with the commute. My ex is staying in the house. I cannot afford to live in the district. As much as I want to see my kids more often, I may have to make some sacrifices and have them just weekends to spare them unnecessary travel.

[Anonymous]

You do every other week and try to stay close to each other as possible. You both have clothing and basic needs at each of your houses. She will probably not agree to just weekends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are in divorce mediation, and we agree to 50/50 custody. But how does it work in practice if you do not want your children living out of a suitcase? Ex wife will be staying in the district and honestly it is kind of ridiculous to have to drag our kids in and out of the district either some days a week or every other week etc. So, this makes me think that the 50/50 custody that everyone talks about is only practical if both parents are in the same school district, otherwise the kids will suffer with the commute. My ex is staying in the house. I cannot afford to live in the district. As much as I want to see my kids more often, I may have to make some sacrifices and have them just weekends to spare them unnecessary travel.

Sadly many divorced parents are totally fine with that. In most cases one parent has to make the sacrifice to prevent that. Nope they rather drag their kids around sometimes with long ridiculous commute.

And I will say women are the least likely to agree to anything less than 50%. And good luck with them agreeing to seeing their kids only on weekends. But of course they will think its totally fine for the dad to be a weekend dad....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You do every other week and try to stay close to each other as possible. You both have clothing and basic needs at each of your houses. She will probably not agree to just weekends.

Even every other weekend is not good for children. Would you agree to be living in different homes yourself every other week? the 50/50 custody is pure theory I agree with OP. In practice if you care about the welfare of your children it won't work. And with split households, not everyone has the financial means to stay near one another. Sometimes one of the parent can only afford an apartment or house a bit further away.

[Anonymous]

Guess it depends where you're at but by me you could live in different school districts and still be reasonably commutable for custody purposes. If you're talking Burke and DC, then no, probably not realistic for 50/50 custody purposes.

I would talk to your lawyer though, I am sure they have seen this before and can recommend some custody options that would work for you guys.

[Anonymous]

I've done split custody with my ex out of the district for years. It was hard when DC was young, but it has become almost unbearable for DC in the tween years. DC has major FOMO every time DC goes to my ex's house. DC comes up with reasons why DC shouldn't have to go there anymore (the bedroom setup is terrible, and DC can't sleep, DC can't get homework done because it is too noisy, DC never gets to school on time from there, etc). The teen years have stirred things up and DC wants a home base and is starting to speak up.

[Anonymous]

OP have 50/50 agreement in writing. Then in practice it could even be 90/10.

[Anonymous]

We have done 50/50 since we were divorced 13 years ago and the kids were young. At first we were switching a lot but we lived a block away from each other. As the kids became teens they wanted fewer transitions so we switched to every 2 weeks on/off. We live about 5-7 minutes from each other now and in the same school zones. I don't see how it is possible otherwise especially because the older they get the more they want to hang with their school friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You do every other week and try to stay close to each other as possible. You both have clothing and basic needs at each of your houses. She will probably not agree to just weekends.

Even every other weekend is not good for children. Would you agree to be living in different homes yourself every other week? the 50/50 custody is pure theory I agree with OP. In practice if you care about the welfare of your children it won't work. And with split households, not everyone has the financial means to stay near one another. Sometimes one of the parent can only afford an apartment or house a bit further away.

Sadly, true. I posted above. Teenagers want to be with their friends on the weekends. Forcing them to go to noncustodial parents' houses (especially when noncustodial parents aren't willing to drive them to things) and miss out on social things or activities causes major teenage angst. The noncustodial parent becomes the target of said teenage angst.

[Anonymous]

I did EOW for two years. My kids HATED it but dad would not agree to anything less. Then I touched the third rail of divorced parenting and moved out of state leaving my teens with their dad. Guess what? They are happier and doing better with one consistent home and spending breaks with me. I also visit them often and they can stay with me at my mom or brother’s houses or just see me during the day when I’m in town. EOW or any sort of 50/50% is awful for kids and I would never endorse it.

[Anonymous]

I moved to within a mile of my former house. (In DC that meant spending way too much on an apt but 🤷‍♂️)

Kids had clothes and personal items at both places but they still had to bring a suitcase back and forth because there were always things like books, specific school items etc that weren’t duplicated.

When their mom remarried and they moved to the suburbs, it went from impractical to impossible, but they were HS age by then and had their own events and schedules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are in divorce mediation, and we agree to 50/50 custody. But how does it work in practice if you do not want your children living out of a suitcase? Ex wife will be staying in the district and honestly it is kind of ridiculous to have to drag our kids in and out of the district either some days a week or every other week etc. So, this makes me think that the 50/50 custody that everyone talks about is only practical if both parents are in the same school district, otherwise the kids will suffer with the commute. My ex is staying in the house. I cannot afford to live in the district. As much as I want to see my kids more often, I may have to make some sacrifices and have them just weekends to spare them unnecessary travel.

By "the district" do you mean the school district or do you mean "The District of Columbia?"

Your first mistake was her staying in the house, unless she bought you out, in which case presumably you can afford something.

The simple answer to your question is the children have half of everything at each house. Underwear, clothing, toys, etc. They don't pack much going between houses.

The practical reality is that sentence above is a bit of a pipe dream and doesn't really work well in practice a lot of the time. And it sucks. But you learn to deal with it.

I wouldn't sacrifice time with your kids. Don't let her do that to you. It sounds like she already finagled getting to keep the house.

You DO have a lawyer, right?

[Anonymous]

I moved into a house across from the high school. I rented for 4 years till both kids were in college. We sold the martial home and split the cost. My ex then rented in the same school district. We both then bought homes. It was very expensive but 5 years out we're all happy and adjusted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are in divorce mediation, and we agree to 50/50 custody. But how does it work in practice if you do not want your children living out of a suitcase? Ex wife will be staying in the district and honestly it is kind of ridiculous to have to drag our kids in and out of the district either some days a week or every other week etc. So, this makes me think that the 50/50 custody that everyone talks about is only practical if both parents are in the same school district, otherwise the kids will suffer with the commute. My ex is staying in the house. I cannot afford to live in the district. As much as I want to see my kids more often, I may have to make some sacrifices and have them just weekends to spare them unnecessary travel.

By "the district" do you mean the school district or do you mean "The District of Columbia?"

Your first mistake was her staying in the house, unless she bought you out, in which case presumably you can afford something.

The simple answer to your question is the children have half of everything at each house. Underwear, clothing, toys, etc. They don't pack much going between houses.

The practical reality is that sentence above is a bit of a pipe dream and doesn't really work well in practice a lot of the time. And it sucks. But you learn to deal with it.

I wouldn't sacrifice time with your kids. Don't let her do that to you. It sounds like she already finagled getting to keep the house.

You DO have a lawyer, right?

But do keep in mind that spending time with your kids may mean you are coming to their existing activities, driving them to their friend's house for hangouts and birthday parties, etc. Your long-term relationship with your kids works out best if you adopt a mentality of putting the kids first and not displacing them from their activities and social lives; otherwise, they begin to feel like time with you is a sentence rather than something they enjoy.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Many of you guys are confirming what I fear namely the practicality of it. 50/50 is not an issue its part of our agreement. It is just me trying to think what's best for my children. For example, If I see them only on weekends, will my relationship with them deteriorates as they get older? They are 13 and 10.