50/50 custody in practice
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| DC is very dangerous for children, have the judge make her move near you in the suburbs |
Anonymous
It might. Or, they might clash with mom. Mine were 15 and 13 when we split. On paper, we had 50/50. In practice, they were with me 95% of the time because of the way my ex-wife parented them. I was the only one who set boundaries, had structure and, well, actually parented. It sucked b/c I was paying a LOT in child support to her, but by then there wasn't much point in reopening that in court. Let me put it to you this way: Once they could drive themselves, my kids basically decided to live with me and occasionally visit their mother. Their mother isn't even a bad person or a bad mom. She just had a very different style. I also lived a mile from their school and she moved 10 miles away. |
Anonymous
|
50/50 doesn’t work for the kids. It’s something parents decide work for them.
Whoever had more availability as far as work schedule should be the primary parent. Other parent gets every other weekend from Friday after school until Monday drop off at school. You can also go to their activities during the week, take them out for dinner etc, spend the evening with them but then get to sleep in their regular FT bed. |
Anonymous
I agree, other than the availability thing. I'm the default parent in a 50/50 custody situation. I pay the other parent child support, and the other parent doesn't work full time but still can't get the kids to school regularly or any of their activities. Thus, I also have about 90% of the de facto parenting time, even though, on paper, I'm much less available. In our case, it defaulted to the parent that actually cared, which the kids figured out on their own. I've had part-time nannies and helpful neighbors/carpools over the years. |
Anonymous
This. Kids are busy, and don’t like the shlepping, it’s very disruptive. Spouses who work a lot, live farther away, or travel a ton, see their kids when they can or for meals. |
Anonymous
|
It ends up being the same break down and default as when married.
Of course one parents could be a jerk and get a grandmother or any or new SO to do a ton of driving and kid stuff so that the parent can appear to be getting 50/50 FaceTime in, for their ego or check lists. |
Anonymous
NP — How well does Monday drop off work? Are the kids schlepping stuff from the weekend to school with them? It seems like a PITA, but we haven’t tried it yet. |
Anonymous
|
Child of 50/50 custody here. You figure out a way to live in the district. Small place, rental, one bedroom and you sleep in the living room. Supplement your income driving for Uber when your kid is with her mom. Whatever it takes.
Your kid needs you. Figure it out. If you’re still sticking with “it’s not possible” post your HHI and the district and we’ll help you. |
Anonymous
|
The reality is you are realizing parenting is hard not 50/50.
BFD. Your kids commute 50 minutes to school in the am and back again in the pm. Nights are sports/arts, dinner, homework, bed. Yes you have to get to their school and take them to their practices and help them with their hw It’s hard. Don’t try to blame this on “what is best for the kids” if you can’t be bothered. |
Anonymous
Unless you're the type of parent who complains about driving them back and forth, taking them to sports or arts or whatever their activities may be, supporting social activities with friends on the weekend like birthday parties, then get out of the way and don't force them to go to your house force them to go to your house. |
Anonymous
All those things are parenting whether it’s happening in your neighborhood or 40 minutes away. |
Anonymous
Right, but there's a particular type of narcissist who takes the position that "MY TIME, I DECIDE," meaning when they exercise parenting time, their kids can't go to soccer practice or participate in an afterschool play. The kids must instead ride directly from school to that parent's house, which is 40 minutes away from their friends, school, and pre-existing activities. They make absurd claims about signing the kids up for activities near their house. This obviously doesn't work in practice. Kids in this situation generally prefer to spend limited time with the narcissist parent. |
Anonymous
This!! Basically it seems like you are saying you agreed to fifty fifty but now don’t want to do it. That’s not fair to your ex or the kids. It means you pay less or no child support but aren’t actually doing fifty percent of the parenting. Suck it up and live in an apartment close to your ex. |
Anonymous
|
In our situation, XH rented/later bought very close to DC's school in Washington, DC. I stayed in the house we'd been in since we married. I later sold it and moved to the College Park area very close to the Metro Green line, which transported DC to within 2 blocks of their school. DC stayed with dad Monday-Thursday nights and with me every Friday-Sunday night. My office was about a 10-minute walk from their school, and on Monday mornings I'd drive into downtown and drop them at their dad's house about 30 minutes before school started so they could make sure they had everything they needed for school. I had always been the one that took them to family activities and helped them host/socialize, and since that happened mainly on weekends that didn't change much. (No way would XH have ever hosted sleepovers or gatherings in his house like I did, so I knew I needed to be the parent with him during days for socializing.) I made sure to attend all sports and activities that took place during the week even if DC wasn't spending the night at my house that day. Both parents attended parent-teacher meetings or major school events regardless of who was keeping DC that night. I could not have tolerated only seeing DC every other weekend, but that seems to be common. Bear in mind that if you hope/plan to date, always having your DC with you from Friday PM to Monday AM will be a problem. I chose to not date until DC left for college, so that was never an issue for me.
|
Anonymous
| I suggest that parents who are divorcing include language in their settlement agreement that establishes an expectation that each parent commit to providing a suitable home for their children to visit even if that means not being able to live in as nice of an area as before the divorce or even if it's less "convenient" to the parent. I've seen situations where ex wives move into a new man's apartment that doesn't have room for her children, so the ex wife is "unable" or choose not to actually hold up her part of the 50/50 physical custody agreement but still expects to get child support. |