How to reconcile the fact that one of you wants something the other does not?

[Anonymous]

My husband and I have been together a while and one of the great things about our relationship has been that, for the most part, we've always been on the same page with major life decisions and we generally have the same philosophies about the way we want to live our life, etc. Until now, where for the first time I'm coming to realize that we may want something different and it's starting to eat at me a bit. I know a lot of people deal with this in regard to children. In our case, it's living location.

We're one of those families who left DC a few years ago after living there several years (for me, since my single 20s) to find a smaller town and better quality of life. We had one child at the time; now we have two. As many in DC seem to be, we were both so sick of the rat race there, the seeming focus solely on money, career, private schools, etc. and were psyched to leave. We picked a city on a map (well, with research involved, of course), DH found a good job there, I left mine, we sold our house and off we went. Fast forward but for a number of different reasons, I've not been as happy as I had hoped we'd be here and much to my surprise, I miss DC...a lot. And there are some practical reasons related to jobs and finances why it would make sense for us to move back. And though DH has agreed that this move might not have led us to our dream location after all and we might need to look at moving on a lot sooner than anticipated...he will not consider moving back to DC. He is happy to be gone and has no desire to return, yet is very willing to look at going back to a larger metropolitan area (one of the things I underestimated I would miss). And for me, DC is at the top of the list and choosing anywhere else is kind of another (expensive) crap shoot in my mind.

We are just starting initial discussions on this (I'm the person who posted the thread recently asking about living in Chicago...surprised I only got a few responses though) but it's bringing up these strange emotions I've never felt before in regard to our relationship. Exactly what, I'm not sure yet, but it's unsettling. I guess the bottom line is that I'm feeling concerned about, and have never had to face/deal with, feeling tied to somewhere I'm not happy or feeling like I have to choose some random new place to try out instead of being able to live somewhere I know I want to live, and I'd like my kids to live because DH does not agree. Perhaps this is just another lesson in marriage that I've been fortunate enough to not have to deal with yet. I keep thinking he's going to come home some day and say, "You know what, you're right...we could go back somewhere familiar that we know is a great place, where we both have friends, connections to good jobs at good salaries (the biggest point of them all in our case...as we live in one of the most depressed job markets in the nation and I've been unable find employment), with good schools, diversity and culture, decent weather (minus the humidity, ugh)...I've changed my mind, let's do it." But I'm pretty sure at this point that's only in my dreams because reality shows no signs of that happening. This typically, "I want to do whatever is going to make you happy" type of husband is giving me a pretty strong "no" on this one.

Just curious...for others who have been at odds with their spouse on major life decisions, how do you come to terms with that and not let it affect your relationship? Any advice other than to suck it up and accept that it's all part of the compromise of marriage?

[Anonymous]

I understand what you are going through, OP, but it really is one of those parts of marriage where you have to compromise. It's nowhere near as easy to navigate two people through life as it is just one. Being single is so flexible, so spur-of-the-moment, with nothing holding you back or down. It sounds like until now you've been lucky enough to always get your way and this seems to be the first stumbling block you've come across, which in reality is really great. It's good that you guys agree on so much.

My rule of thumb is borrowed from Dr. Phil, who annoys the crap out of me but often has some gems of wisdom. In a marriage, a major life decision requires two yesses to go ahead, and only one no will kill it. If your husband is adamant about not moving to DC, I think this is one of those things you have to compromise on. He's open to another metro area, and to me that's being pretty flexible (but I don't like to up and move every few years either). I'd move in that direction if I were you. Research it thoroughly. Visit often. And continue to explore what it is about your current location that you really don't like. Sometimes we think we dislike things for certain reasons, only to find out later it was something else all along. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for the good advice, especially that last part given that I've already made this "mistake" once in thinking I wanted something else and then finding out maybe that's not what I wanted after all. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

OP - I'm a firm believer that you can be happy anywhere. I don't know much about you obviously since I only have your post to assess, but from an outsider, it looks like you idealized a place outside of DC, moved there, and now are idealizing DC again. Grass is always greener. In a sense many of us are like that - I'm ALWAYS dreaming about moving to a cute college town somewhere but then I try to think of all the cons there and plusses here and I'm okay (for a few more days).

I think what you are going through in your marriage is common too. I know I met my husband when I was 23 and we got married in our late 20s and honestly, having kids and growing older, you change and your priorities change and not always together. So it takes compromise. We don't always agree on the big stuff but we love each other so we just have to work it out.

I guess my advice is less about your marriage and more to do with you - what can you do to be happy there? Your husband shouldn't trump your wishes of course, but I can see his point of view a bit more easily because you already moved, he seems okay, you are not (if I read correctly). Are you convinced the same thing won't happen if you move back?

[Anonymous]

OP -- When I started to read your thread my first thought was that you must be a SAHM. Not quite sure if you are right now, but then I read later that it's an economically depressed area and you're unable to find good work right now. I really wonder how much of your desire to move back to DC is tied to that. Your husband presumably has a job so is probably feeling a lot more comfortable in the things he likely gave up about DC life (nasty commutes, long hours, etc.) whereas you're more likely to be desperate to jump back into that world in order to recapture the world of having fulfilling work. Keep in mind, the job market is tough in many cities right now (DC included) and try to make sure that you aren't glorifying the entire lifestyle of DC when you think back on an old career because it might not be there again for you.

I also think the fact that your husband would consider another move is huge and agree with the pp that in major decisions both people have to be 100% on board. This city has a lot to offer, but you weren't happy here for a reason and those reasons will all still be here when and if you come back.

[Anonymous]

OP-would you mind sharing where you live now? Just curious because DH and I often talk about leaving DC for someplace with all of the outdoor recreational opportunities it sounds like you have. On the other hand, we wonder if we would end up missing some of the things it sounds like you miss about DC....

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like there is some other issue at play. If you had loved DC, you would never have left.

I've lived in a lot of places, and while I don't think every place is equally conducive to happiness, I think place matters a lot less than people think it does.

[Anonymous]

The really tough ones are when the choice is either your way or his way, like whether or not to have another child. But in this case, it isn't so.

You are unhappy where you are. But surely there are many places that could make you happy. DC can't be the only place in the entire country that will satisfy you. And DH is willing to consider other cities. So yes, you have to accept some uncertainty. But isn't that a reasonable risk to find a place that satisfies you both?

So think of it this way: you have

[Anonymous]

Do you see that the rat race you were so sick of when you lived in DC is the flip side of having such great job opportunities?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP -- When I started to read your thread my first thought was that you must be a SAHM. Not quite sure if you are right now, but then I read later that it's an economically depressed area and you're unable to find good work right now. I really wonder how much of your desire to move back to DC is tied to that. Your husband presumably has a job so is probably feeling a lot more comfortable in the things he likely gave up about DC life (nasty commutes, long hours, etc.) whereas you're more likely to be desperate to jump back into that world in order to recapture the world of having fulfilling work. Keep in mind, the job market is tough in many cities right now (DC included) and try to make sure that you aren't glorifying the entire lifestyle of DC when you think back on an old career because it might not be there again for you.

I also think the fact that your husband would consider another move is huge and agree with the pp that in major decisions both people have to be 100% on board. This city has a lot to offer, but you weren't happy here for a reason and those reasons will all still be here when and if you come back.

I think all responders have hit on good and important points, though perhaps the most resonating in these comments above. After lots of time to give this lots of thought, I honestly believe it's a combination of both trying to recapture something I had there...largely having to do with a career and an identity, and also just some plain beliefs that misjudged what I wanted. I actually think where we live now (Portland, OR to the person who asked) is an amazing place in many, many ways and I when people ask me about it, more often than not I am quick to point out all the great things about it, but as time goes on (we'll be coming up on four years in the fall) there are some negatives that are kind of key: 1) The weather. I don't think I need to go into detail here, but suffice it to say that I thought I'd be okay with the rain and gray and chill, and I am in the core winter months but when it's June and your sitting in a turtleneck and fleece, it's depressing. 2) Double digit unemployment in Oregon (not sure of current stats but for a long while we've been behind Michigan with highest unemployment in the nation). And yes, that means I'm currently a SAHM, not by choice...which has its own challenges. W/o going into a long story, after building a good resume and career in DC, my career here has been a bit of disaster. I've now been applying and interviewing for at least a year now. The process is grueling (much harder than any DC interview I ever had), with each position having 200 - 300 applicants. I'm getting really good at the rejection thing. As you can imagine, this all translates to stress on our finances as we have set ourselves up to be a two-income household with challenges downgrading. Meanwhile, again, w/o going into details, I have good reason to believe that becoming employed again with good salaries for both of us in DC would not be difficult. 3) Relationships. All of our "new" friends here remain more acquaintances than any really good friends. Anyone I consider to be a true part of my friend network/support system is elsewhere, including DC. We spend a lot of time solo as a family. 4) Education. Portland has among the highest high school dropout rate in the nation and schools in major crisis. They just fired a bunch of special ed teachers and attempted to drop PE programs altogether but was just saved due to a huge community uproar. Class sizes are also among the highest in the nation and drugs are pervasive here. Now, this is something that has not changed a ton since we've lived here (though again, has gotten worse since the recession) and probably should have been considered more closely when we chose to move here. Maybe it was the fact that our son was only 10 months old at the time, though that's no excuse.

And then there's the smaller stuff like the shopping is very mediocre compared to what I'm used to, and though I hate to admit it, that bothers me. And I wish I could take my son to the museums and the zoo (yes, we have them here and they are really nice...but they aren't the Smithsonian by any means), and wow, how he would love, love, love watching the planes land/take off at Gravelly Point. And yes, I got so burned out on the long hours in DC, etc. etc. but I have to say that for the most part, I always knew overall, I was a pretty good fit with the city. Even in the time before we left, it was not all that uncommon to be on the Metro or driving down the GW Parkway and think, "wow, I live here!" I felt like I was a part of something important there and again, while yes, so much of it started to annoy me and I wanted a "simpler" life to raise my kids in, I think part of me liked it more than I wanted to admit. When they put the for sale sign in our front yard and it became real that we were leaving, I started bawling and did so almost daily until we left. I was a complete wreck on our flight out National. That day is very etched in my mind. At the time I thought it was just because I didn't do well with change and I had been there more than 10 years, and sort of "grown up" there in terms of my adult life and career and just needed to get over the hump of leaving...but four years later when I still think fondly about my life there and feel disconnected here, I start to take it more seriously.

What I realized very recently is that I've kind of developed a love/hate relationship with Oregon. Is is such a beautiful place to live...our families are always marveling at the pics we send out from day trips to the coast, us skiing or hiking with Mt. Hood (all when weather allows, of course) in the backdrop or visiting fabulous wineries. If we left, I would definitely miss that stuff. But it's getting harder to ignore some of what to me are major negatives. Sorry for the super long post. It's been a really hard time for me and to the posters who think there's some other issue here that I need to figure out, I guess you are right but I've become so lost and confused about this whole thing over the last few years, it's hard to know what is up and what is down anymore. So perhaps I am just grasping at something I used to have because it's the only thing I know and feel comfortable with right now. Whatever it is, I wish I could figure it out and get back to the business of being happy. Thanks to whomever is listening/reading this book!

[Anonymous]

OP,

Thanks for your really heartfelt response. I'm typing this in Baltimore, which is the city we moved to in order to "escape" DC and be near DH's job. And while Baltimore is clearly a lot closer to DC than Oregon, I feel your pain. I gave up a job I loved (they wouldn't let me telecommute and there's no way I could have handled commuting into the city each day, though I know others who do it.) Anyway, I have no good advice, just a cyber-hug, from another displaced DCUMama who's fearful that she just committed career suicide.

[Anonymous]

To OP at 15:51. A lot going on, for sure. I can't see how someone who loves DC would ever be happy anywhere in Oregon. I've lived both places, and people are vastly different in each locale.

[Anonymous]

I have a pretty unhappy east coast friend in Lake Oswego Where are you?

[Anonymous]

OP - thanks for posting your long story, it actually helps me because I always struggle with this, should we pick up and move or stay?

I think people really underestimate the "good job opportunities" in DC and other major metro areas. I'm sure if I were a SAHM I would feel differently, but having a job I enjoy that is reasonable and flexible is a huge part of my happiness and I can't imagine going what you are going through in the Portland economy - hugs to you.

I have done so much soul searching about this because we are very tied to this area. My parents are nearby which is a huge plus in terms of having grandparents around and having great help with back up care, babysitting, and just overall support; and my husband's "dream job" is here; and I'm in a very "DC" job right now though I could eventually seeing myself moving to a different area of my field that is less policy oriented. And I always come back to the trade offs - I HATE the traffic around here and I don't see how people do those long commutes. So we live close in but I would love a bigger house (I know that's lame but given what our house costs and what we could get in my hometown...bigger is not always better but we'd love some more space in certain rooms). And I just hate how long it takes to do things around here - bracing yourself for lines, etc.

I can understand where you are coming from. If you were planning on staying home I'd feel differently but I understand your need financially and otherwise to continue your career and it does sound not feasible in Portland. My advice - start actively looking for jobs in the areas you want to move in. If you get an offer, it would be hard for your husband to say no, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To OP at 15:51. A lot going on, for sure. I can't see how someone who loves DC would ever be happy anywhere in Oregon. I've lived both places, and people are vastly different in each locale.

Ha. My brother lived here for nine years and now loves the Portland area.

You don't have to like one and only one thing in life.