Ex planned birthday party without me

[Anonymous]

We divorced over 3 years ago. Every birthday party has been joint for both of our kids (although I did get upset 2 years ago when he and his brand new gf planned my child's party at the gf's house without even collaborating with me).

Today I asked ex about making birthday party plans, and he said he amd his gf already have it all planned out and booked a venue. He then invited me, but clearly as an afterthought, and said "if you want to be there." Then he acted confused about whether birthday parties for our kids are planned jointly and attended by both parents. I have never planned a party without consulting with him about dates that work for both of us.

I don't need advice, just perhaps someone to tell me my hurt feelings are valid. As a mother, who sacrifices a lot to raise our kids, it feels like a gut punch being excluded from my child's birthday party.

[Anonymous]

That’s definitely a bullsh*t move. I suggest you write a formal email stating that you expect coordination on birthday parties going forward. It’s of course fine for him to have whatever celebration he wants on his time, but not ok to plan the big friend party without consulting you.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you both raise and sacrifice for the kids. You posted here before about this. He's allowed to plan/have a party on his time. You can plan and have your own party.

[Anonymous]

Just have your own party for the kid.

[Anonymous]

You need to let go of "joint" planning.

Divorce changes things. Your ex, and you, have different lives now. While you are to be commended for being inclusive in your party planning, that's really not a requirement. The fact is that many people do separate holidays, birthdays, etc. after divorce.

You ex has given you a message even though you don't like it. I understand why you feel hurt. He's moving on a different path which is no longer joint with you.

To make it worse for you for you (reading between the lines) there is another woman involved in his life now for a couple of years, and that can really be upsetting.

What you may want to do is ask if you and he can alternate a big and small event for birthdays. For example, this year he does a big event and you do a small one for the kid. Next year, you get to plan a big event and he does a small one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to let go of "joint" planning.

Divorce changes things. Your ex, and you, have different lives now. While you are to be commended for being inclusive in your party planning, that's really not a requirement. The fact is that many people do separate holidays, birthdays, etc. after divorce.

You ex has given you a message even though you don't like it. I understand why you feel hurt. He's moving on a different path which is no longer joint with you.

To make it worse for you for you (reading between the lines) there is another woman involved in his life now for a couple of years, and that can really be upsetting.

What you may want to do is ask if you and he can alternate a big and small event for birthdays. For example, this year he does a big event and you do a small one for the kid. Next year, you get to plan a big event and he does a small one.

NP I agree this would be a good solution but I somehow doubt OP’s ex would abide by it even after agreeing. That was a d*ck move by him.

[Anonymous]

2 years ago they also planned a party? Maybe he plans on doing this every other year, which would make sense to me.

[Anonymous]

I think it sucks that he wasn’t upfront about this.

But you’re divorced so continuing to expect joint bday parties is a not going to be the norm. You know now that going forward there will be separate bday celebrations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s definitely a bullsh*t move. I suggest you write a formal email stating that you expect coordination on birthday parties going forward. It’s of course fine for him to have whatever celebration he wants on his time, but not ok to plan the big friend party without consulting you.

They are divorced. For several years. It’s perfectly fine for the father to have a party with whoever he would like.

Thinking you can control things like this just sets you up for future frustrations.

[Anonymous]

Can see why you’d feel hurt.
But also awesome that the party is planned out and all you have to do is show up and have fun!
I don’t think your kid will care about who plannned it, just that they’re having a party, so I would just try my best to enjoy.

[Anonymous]

Say thank you for planning it then show up and enjoy the time with your child.

[Anonymous]

It's a bit awkward and kind of sh*tty for one parent to plan a party, invite all the formerly shared friends, and NOT invite the ex.

I did all the work for my kids' parties and always invited my ex. I guess I was fortunate that he wasn't really interested.

OP maybe you should just take him up on his begrudging invitation. Go and enjoy yourself. Let ex and new GF run themselves ragged. That's what my ex would have done to me. But I was always gracious, for the sake of the kids who would want both their parents and all their loved ones there.

[Anonymous]

Mine didn’t invite me. My kid was really upset about it too.

So now I throw my own party, and invite the friends my ex doesn’t know. Kids from the neighborhood, kids from activities, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a bit awkward and kind of sh*tty for one parent to plan a party, invite all the formerly shared friends, and NOT invite the ex.

I did all the work for my kids' parties and always invited my ex. I guess I was fortunate that he wasn't really interested.

OP maybe you should just take him up on his begrudging invitation. Go and enjoy yourself. Let ex and new GF run themselves ragged. That's what my ex would have done to me. But I was always gracious, for the sake of the kids who would want both their parents and all their loved ones there.

There may be way more to this story.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are right to feel offended. His GF also seems to be very low class and selfish. Tell him that they cannot plan birthdays without input and participation from you. Be firm about it.

Finally, let it go. There is a reason he is your Ex. Be prepared to have more issues from him in the future. He is a complete ahole and jerk.