Ex planned birthday party without me

[Anonymous]

Yeah, a lot of women seem to think they can get divorced and then still control the man.

Doesn't work that way. Sorry. Especially once the man inevitably gets into a new relationship.

Dont like that? Don't get divorced.

Let it go and plan your own birthday activity.

[Anonymous]

We've never had joint birthday parties, but that's because my exh was a horrible coparent who said no to everything (literally tried to ban any extracurricular on "his" time so kid couldn't play any team sports until I agreed to waive child support in exchange for the right to sign him up for extracurriculars and some other changes). Having a joint party would have been a disaster. It was never an issue anyway, he was never interested in participating. In your case, it seems like a terribly unfair move based on precedent, and I'm sorry it went down the way it did. Maybe next time you get ahead of it and plan the party first? And invite him, but have it on your terms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, a lot of women seem to think they can get divorced and then still control the man.

Doesn't work that way. Sorry. Especially once the man inevitably gets into a new relationship.

Dont like that? Don't get divorced.

Let it go and plan your own birthday activity.

You can't just "plan your own birthday activity" if the other parent invites all the friends. If you don't have a united front on kids' activities, you're setting your kids up for a horrible childhood where they a pawn in their parents silly games. Your response suggests you need mental and emotional support to help you put aside your hurt feelings for the benefit of your innocent child. It doesn't matter who was at fault in the divorce. You put the kids first and do what is right for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say thank you for planning it then show up and enjoy the time with your child.

Yes, do that. Show up with a big present for your kid and a fake cast around your foot. Thank the GF loudly for planning it. Be very gracious and pleasant. Say hello to all your old friends. Don't let them sense any tension between you and the two clowns, Take lots of pictures and put it on social media even as the party progresses. Take pictures with the birthday kid and all the friends. And do not lift a finger to help (point at your cast and tell them that you have sprained your foot). Think of ex and his gf as your event planners who are doing all the labor. Also, do not pay them a dime for hosting the party.

Bam - this! Chat with the other parents and let them do all the work. Give your kid a great present. Prior to the party, pamper yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just have your own party for the kid.

don’t do this. DD had a friend who had parents who do this. The rest of us invited to both feel guilty if we can do one and not the other, give a gift to one or both?
Try and do joint and communicate with each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, a lot of women seem to think they can get divorced and then still control the man.

Doesn't work that way. Sorry. Especially once the man inevitably gets into a new relationship.

Dont like that? Don't get divorced.

Let it go and plan your own birthday activity.

You clearly understand that ex spouses don’t get to have input into each other’s life choices; I’m surprised that you don’t understand that you also can’t force a spouse to stay in the marriage if they don’t want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a divorced parent, I can plan any activities I want on the days I am scheduled to have my kids. I don't need to coordinate with their other parent. We're divorced for a reason.

I also think setting up the expectation that both parents are at the same birthday party seems really weird and confusing to the kid. I would drop that and say "This year you're with Dad on the weekend after your birthday, so you'll have your party with him. On the years you're with me, you'll have it with me." And then, since you don't have to pay for the party, do something extra fun on the years you don't have the party, like take kid and one friend to Great Wolf Lodge or an amusement park.

As a (different) divorced parent who co-hosts kids birthday parties with my ex, it's not weird or confusing to our kids at all. It's normal to them. I do the planning and organizing, and exDH gives over half the cost and shows up with the drinks while I show up with the food. It's normal because it's what we've taught the kids to be used to. They are thrilled to have both parents at the same events and getting along.

This is what my parents did and it worked out really well. They had a pretty amicable divorce though and always put us first with this kind of thing.

I do think it’s fine to do separate parties also but in my opinion it’s best if parents work together to coordinate. Sure, no one person can can “control” the other but I think having a healthy coparenting relationship is important so everyone is on the same page.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, a lot of women seem to think they can get divorced and then still control the man.

Doesn't work that way. Sorry. Especially once the man inevitably gets into a new relationship.

Dont like that? Don't get divorced.

Let it go and plan your own birthday activity.

They can and do control the men through the kids and through money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We've never had joint birthday parties, but that's because my exh was a horrible coparent who said no to everything (literally tried to ban any extracurricular on "his" time so kid couldn't play any team sports until I agreed to waive child support in exchange for the right to sign him up for extracurriculars and some other changes). Having a joint party would have been a disaster. It was never an issue anyway, he was never interested in participating. In your case, it seems like a terribly unfair move based on precedent, and I'm sorry it went down the way it did. Maybe next time you get ahead of it and plan the party first? And invite him, but have it on your terms.

How much time did he get? If he only got every other weekend or 4 days a month, and you fill it with activities, then he really isn't getting any time with the kids.

[Anonymous]

I’ll never understand why divorced parents don’t just have separate parties. I personally would never feel comfortable planning a party with my ex, much less attending one and pretending to feel safe and comfortable.

It’s time to move on from joint birthdays and plan your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are right to feel offended. His GF also seems to be very low class and selfish. Tell him that they cannot plan birthdays without input and participation from you. Be firm about it.

Finally, let it go. There is a reason he is your Ex. Be prepared to have more issues from him in the future. He is a complete ahole and jerk.

OP has ZERO right to this. Don’t get divorced you want to keep controlling your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a divorced parent, I can plan any activities I want on the days I am scheduled to have my kids. I don't need to coordinate with their other parent. We're divorced for a reason.

I also think setting up the expectation that both parents are at the same birthday party seems really weird and confusing to the kid. I would drop that and say "This year you're with Dad on the weekend after your birthday, so you'll have your party with him. On the years you're with me, you'll have it with me." And then, since you don't have to pay for the party, do something extra fun on the years you don't have the party, like take kid and one friend to Great Wolf Lodge or an amusement park.

As a (different) divorced parent who co-hosts kids birthday parties with my ex, it's not weird or confusing to our kids at all. It's normal to them. I do the planning and organizing, and exDH gives over half the cost and shows up with the drinks while I show up with the food. It's normal because it's what we've taught the kids to be used to. They are thrilled to have both parents at the same events and getting along.

But you don't seem to have the kind of hostile relationship that OP clearly does. Regardless of whose fault the hostility is, if you can't negotiate something as simple as this without conflict, then that's going to spill over around your kids. It's not in your kids' interest to expose them to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, a lot of women seem to think they can get divorced and then still control the man.

Doesn't work that way. Sorry. Especially once the man inevitably gets into a new relationship.

Dont like that? Don't get divorced.

Let it go and plan your own birthday activity.

You can't just "plan your own birthday activity" if the other parent invites all the friends. If you don't have a united front on kids' activities, you're setting your kids up for a horrible childhood where they a pawn in their parents silly games. Your response suggests you need mental and emotional support to help you put aside your hurt feelings for the benefit of your innocent child. It doesn't matter who was at fault in the divorce. You put the kids first and do what is right for them.

Sure you can, because birthday parties aren't the only kind of "birthday activity". OP can find some way other than a friend party to celebrate her kid's birthday.

[Anonymous]

I would ask to alternate years with him. One year you plan, the next year he and gf plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a divorced parent, I can plan any activities I want on the days I am scheduled to have my kids. I don't need to coordinate with their other parent. We're divorced for a reason.

I also think setting up the expectation that both parents are at the same birthday party seems really weird and confusing to the kid. I would drop that and say "This year you're with Dad on the weekend after your birthday, so you'll have your party with him. On the years you're with me, you'll have it with me." And then, since you don't have to pay for the party, do something extra fun on the years you don't have the party, like take kid and one friend to Great Wolf Lodge or an amusement park.

So let's see how this works. Say I'm a divorced mom. I decide to have my kid's bday party on Saturday the 15th. I still have all the class emails from last year, so I dust off my online invite and tell everyone - including all our personal friends and cousins too - to meet us Saturday at the local pool where I'll have cake, balloons, etc. Parents begin to reply: Hey Larla! We would love to but we already accepted an invitation from your ex husband to go to your child's bday party at the same time, at the local park with fee-for rental paviollions, grills, slides etc.

My ex was a real Sh*thead but I always kept him informed and invited him, and his mom, and all my inlaws, to my child's bday party. It's not about me, or him.