Feeling sad that my son's father is such an a--hole

[Anonymous]

My son's father (we were never married) works and travels a lot for his job. He is often overseas and probably only sees DS once or twice every six months for maybe a day or so. This is normal for my son who is 6 and he doesn't question it. This weekend, his dad got 2 days off and instead of spending both of them with his son (tomorrow being Father's Day), he decides to visit today for 7-8 hrs or so and then leaves to spend Father's Day with his current flavor of the month. I am just feeling sad that my son has such a loser for a father. I know there are great men out there and wonderful fathers and I'm just feeling sad that my son's father isn't one of them. I guess it shouldn't surprise me that he'd rather get laid than spend the day with his son who he has seen once for 5 hrs in the last 6 months. Has any single mom found a great guy and a great dad for their child? I would love to find a great male role model for my son but it is so hard. I've done online dating and most single guys say they want kids but not a woman with a child or they already have kids and don't want any more. I don't fault them for this. At least they are honest but I feel sad that I cannot find a father figure for my son. I've started signing him up for sports (he has played soccer and lacrosse) and all of the coaches are men which is a good thing. My son has really loved being around men. I'd also love to send him to an all boys' school for middle and high school but as a single parent, I don't have the money. I applied for private schools last year when he was starting K and he got into some of them but they didn't have any FA for new families due to the economy. My son plays with the other kids in our neighborhood and is all over their dads so I know he needs a male role model. Just wanted to vent I guess

[Anonymous]

You are not alone.

[Anonymous]

My child's dad is a real jackhole too. I don't even consider him a father. Instead of looking for a mate, and you may be rushing to fast for that one, go the coach route. It really helps. Also try and have weekly meals with families featuring involved dads. He will be fine, and please don't punish yourself. It is great that he is social with kids in the neighborhood and you've started signing him up for sports. He's old enough for three sports a week, if you want.

[Anonymous]

I feel ya, OP. My son's father (we were never married, either) will call me and tell me he is coming to pick up my son and then doesn't show and can't be reached by phone. My son is literally standing at the door or looking out the window. I learned my lesson and don't say anything to my son until I see his car pull up. Pathetic.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I have learned that lesson from my own father who would do the same thing as PP. My mom would pack our suitcases and we would wait. He was an alcoholic (as if that should be an excuse). I don't say anything to my son until his dad is almost to our house.

[Anonymous]

ugh joined the club. We were 16 and now at almost 30 it looks like he is wanted for cocaine distribution. Thank goodnes his mom is very involved (we have good relationship) did i mention he's been shot at and stabbed on 2 diff occasions. owes $28000 in back support that i will never see and he there was domestic violence w/ me and one of his exes

[Anonymous]

My husband lost his father at a relatively young age. His mother put him in cub and then boy scouts to make sure that my husband had positive male roll-models in his life. Just another option.

[Anonymous]

OP here. How would Cub and Boy Scouts work if he doesn't have a father to participate? Would I go with him to all of the meetings and trips? Would I be the only mom?

[Anonymous]

i agree that would suck to be the only one w/o a dad. my dd doesnt go to her girl scout father daughter dances even though they say its ok for me to go or another relative. also i know a mom who runs the boy scout troop

[Anonymous]

I'm not a single mom but stumbled into this board. FWIW, my husband's father was/is a really terrible father (his parents divorced when he was 3 yo, b/c Dad had an affair while mom was pregnant), pothead, etc etc. His dad has NO sense of responsibility. Shockingly, my husband turned out great. He acknowledges his dad is pretty terrible at parenting, but doesn't really have "father issues". I credit it to his being raised my an incredibly strong and loving single mom and having a terrific grandfather. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Thank you PP. I wrote the original post and it is always helpful to hear that someone can grow up to be "normal" even w/o a father. You only tend to hear (and pay attention) to the bad news.

[Anonymous]

I have the same problem with DD's father (we were never married). He lives overseas and has only met her a couple times. I can say honestly that they have never really bonded.

I want him involved more in her life than he does. He pays child support and thinks that is the end of his parental obligation. The thing that really sucks is that he has a daughter that lives with him that he adores, how can a parent love one child yet want nothing to do with another?

[Anonymous]

on the bright side, at least you'll never find yourself in love with him, like another poster here. (or like me, who isn't in love with my ex, but I do have "what if" thoughts pretty frequently because he isn't an asshole.)

As your son gets older, you should consider signing him up for boy scouts. I have a much younger brother (14 yo) and he and my dad started doing boy scout functions years ago. He doesn't need to have a parent present, and he'll have access to some good male role models there. Also, your instincts about having him on sports teams are good. Don't worry about trying to pay for an all-boys school; I think the extracurriculars should take care of the male role models thing.

Last, do you have any guy friends you trust who'd be willing to take a semi-fatherly role with your son? Some guys might enjoy having a little mini-me for things like minor league baseball games, etc. or maybe a neighbor who has older kids or who has only daughters?

[Anonymous]

Were these guys all assholes when you were dating? Cheating on you? Been like that forever?

[Anonymous]

Do you have any male family members-cousins, uncles, siblings, etc. that live near by and would be a good role model? Could he have a "cool uncle" to hang out with? I can't imagine how tough it is for you, but putting him in sports, etc. will be great for him.