Wife is just lazy

[Anonymous]

I know this thread will get hated on. But, I need to rant.

My wife is a stay at home mom. We have one kid who's ten. He's 100% self sufficient. She stays home all day. But, she hates to cook, do laundry, clean the house, wash the dishes, etc. I work 50-60 hours a week supporting the family and I do more house chores than she does. This summer she wanted to lose some weight. She's about 30lb over. She joins a gym for $50 a month and in the last two months she has lost zero pounds. I ask her what she's doing there and she's walking/jogging for 30-40 minutes. That's it. I asked her if she's able to jog 30 minutes in a row and she said no. Really? She's healthy. Nothing wrong with her. Yet, after two months at the gym she can't even job 30 minutes?

I do my own laundry, cook half the time, clean half the time, take care off of our kid's sports. So tired of playing the role of almost two parents.

Kids, when you marry. Listen to your gut.

[Anonymous]

Based on all the threads with the same topic you must recognize that there is no laziness. Only depression and ADHD. You are not supportive of her challenges and are therefore at fault.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried talking to her about returning to work? At least part time? If she is working, too, and you are basically splitting the household chores and child care, this might solve your feelings of resentment.

[Anonymous]

Dump her then

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Based on all the threads with the same topic you must recognize that there is no laziness. Only depression and ADHD. You are not supportive of her challenges and are therefore at fault.

+1 gosh it’s so sad you keep starting these threads. Get yourself to therapy!

[Anonymous]

What does she say when you confront her about this?

[Anonymous]

So you’re saying you’re ok with lazy but not also overweight

[Anonymous]

I’m honestly confused about how doing half the cooking and cleaning, your own laundry, and sports is “the role of almost two parents.” She doesn’t have a job, but if she did wouldn’t you still have the same amount of cleaning/sports? You’d have more money, so you could outsource more potentially.

Decide if you want less chores or more money, and then talk to her about it.

[Anonymous]

Definitely keep focusing on the fact that she can’t run for 30mins. And the weight. It lets everyone know that you’re just pissed she doesn’t look like she did when you met – and that’s the only thing you actually care about. Winner.

[Anonymous]

I’d make her return to work and give her an ultimatum. I can’t stand lazy people like that. By not making her do anything, you’re complicit in this. -female who works

[Anonymous]

I work as a fitness and nutrition coach, and I worked with a lot of SAHMs like your wife.

Lack of exercise is almost never about laziness. Most SAHMs have a long history of attempting to lose weight, work, etc. But they end up pulled in a million different directions - they want to work, but their H won’t handle half of the sick days or pickups. They want to work out, but society makes them feel guilty for not devoting that time to their families. They try to balance work and life by getting involved in things like MLMs, which are enticing because they promise you can make a ton of money while also raising kids full-time, but of course always fail.

After years of these “failures”, they lose all hope. Most of the time, their H’s are unsupportive, like you are. They see “my wife cannot run 30 minutes” rather than “wow, my wife is going to the gym every day, how awesome that she is doing something for herself and improving herself!” Improvement in health is a long, slow game, not a “be able to run a 5k in 8 weeks”.

Making things worse, they usually have to ask their husbands for permission to spend money on themselves. So you have a perfect storm of years of martyring, a husband who sees them as a failure, and who denies them access to the money and support that WILL help them thrive. They end up severely depressed and exactly like your W.

If you truly want to help her, be supportive. Don’t stress over the house and cooking - that will come. First, she needs to regain autonomy and control over her life. She needs to feel supported. Let her know you think it’s fantastic she’s going to the gym. Ask if she’d like to do personal training sessions and make it happen. Take an interest in her dreams - I promise you, she has them. Listen to what her dreams are and let her know you want to help her achieve them. She needs to re-discover herself and her identity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m honestly confused about how doing half the cooking and cleaning, your own laundry, and sports is “the role of almost two parents.” She doesn’t have a job, but if she did wouldn’t you still have the same amount of cleaning/sports? You’d have more money, so you could outsource more potentially.

Decide if you want less chores or more money, and then talk to her about it.

This had me cracking up too. He's doing the bare minimum of coparenting. She's doing her part too, but she is also allowed to hate it. Who loves cleaning (who isn't OCD)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d make her return to work and give her an ultimatum. I can’t stand lazy people like that. By not making her do anything, you’re complicit in this. -female who works

Hating the stuff you need to get done =/= lazy. She is doing it, per OP; but she's gained weight. This is is his real complaint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Definitely keep focusing on the fact that she can’t run for 30mins. And the weight. It lets everyone know that you’re just pissed she doesn’t look like she did when you met – and that’s the only thing you actually care about. Winner.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m honestly confused about how doing half the cooking and cleaning, your own laundry, and sports is “the role of almost two parents.” She doesn’t have a job, but if she did wouldn’t you still have the same amount of cleaning/sports? You’d have more money, so you could outsource more potentially.

Decide if you want less chores or more money, and then talk to her about it.

Huh? It's generally a SAHP's job to handle the bulk of domestic labor during the work week. OP, why did you start doing 50%? Really doesn't make sense.