Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a stepmom (and a mother) and I believe that marriage comes first because it is the center of the family, it is the glue that keeps us all together, and it's even more important for my stepdaughter to see our marriage be strong and solid because her mother has now remarried and divorced again, so she has two divorces to mourn and recover from.

I also see that a huge part of our marriage being healthy is supporting each other to be the best parents we can be. And that means choosing to spend time with our children, and my DH choosing to spend time alone with my stepdaughter, because it's important to us to be good parents.

I chose my DH in part because he is a great dad and because I could see he made HUGE sacrifices to spend lots of time with his daughter, even on weeks when he didn't have custody. So when we got together, it was important to me that he preserve that time with her, and although things changed (like, he didn't cook her dinner at his ex wife's house as often) their actual time together did not decrease or diminish in quality.

So I do think that nurturing the marriage comes first. In a healthy marriage, though, both partners are equally committed to parenting all children. Even with good intentions, though, where the conflicts sometimes arise are when the unhealthy communication patterns of the previous marriage conflict with the new marriage -- for instance, my DH is conflict avoidant, and basically he'd do anything to appease his ex because she'd become a screaming, petulant mess if he didn't. I don't blame her for this dynamic -- it's 50% his responsibility that he played into it. But it meant that, before me, he'd basically give her money just to keep her from having a shit fit, even when it wasn't in his best interests to do so (or in the best interest of his child). For instance, his ex would expect him to pay for his daughter's share of vacation expenses every year..her vacation with her mom, not her dad. And since he and his ex had the same salary (GS feds), that left him without money for his own vacation with his daughter. He did it to keep the peace, but to his detriment and to his daughter's (because she never got to take a vacation with her dad alone). So that kind of thing caused conflict, because I was not at all okay with subsidizing my DH's ex's vacation. And he was never ok with it either, but just wasn't interested in putting in the energy to break out of the dynamic they were in. So, I'm sure I was cast as the evil stepmom for a couple of years. And it caused tension all around. But the upside is that my DH and his daughter got to have a vacation alone together for two years, and that was worth fighting for.

This story is a great example of how the "ex-DH puts new girl first" myth is created. So basically, when ex-DH comes to his senses and pulls back on some of the over the top things he has been doing, he's the bad guy. Now, his ex-wife can tell the kids and the world that he put his new girl first because he stopped funding HER VACATIONS. These types of behaviors don't mean the new partner is being chosen over the children..it means common sense has kicked in and they are no longer allowing the first wives to rule their time and wallets post divorce.

Not a myth as it is literally what took place.
Love the angry 2nd wives of dcum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a stepmom (and a mother) and I believe that marriage comes first because it is the center of the family, it is the glue that keeps us all together, and it's even more important for my stepdaughter to see our marriage be strong and solid because her mother has now remarried and divorced again, so she has two divorces to mourn and recover from.

I also see that a huge part of our marriage being healthy is supporting each other to be the best parents we can be. And that means choosing to spend time with our children, and my DH choosing to spend time alone with my stepdaughter, because it's important to us to be good parents.

I chose my DH in part because he is a great dad and because I could see he made HUGE sacrifices to spend lots of time with his daughter, even on weeks when he didn't have custody. So when we got together, it was important to me that he preserve that time with her, and although things changed (like, he didn't cook her dinner at his ex wife's house as often) their actual time together did not decrease or diminish in quality.

So I do think that nurturing the marriage comes first. In a healthy marriage, though, both partners are equally committed to parenting all children. Even with good intentions, though, where the conflicts sometimes arise are when the unhealthy communication patterns of the previous marriage conflict with the new marriage -- for instance, my DH is conflict avoidant, and basically he'd do anything to appease his ex because she'd become a screaming, petulant mess if he didn't. I don't blame her for this dynamic -- it's 50% his responsibility that he played into it. But it meant that, before me, he'd basically give her money just to keep her from having a shit fit, even when it wasn't in his best interests to do so (or in the best interest of his child). For instance, his ex would expect him to pay for his daughter's share of vacation expenses every year..her vacation with her mom, not her dad. And since he and his ex had the same salary (GS feds), that left him without money for his own vacation with his daughter. He did it to keep the peace, but to his detriment and to his daughter's (because she never got to take a vacation with her dad alone). So that kind of thing caused conflict, because I was not at all okay with subsidizing my DH's ex's vacation. And he was never ok with it either, but just wasn't interested in putting in the energy to break out of the dynamic they were in. So, I'm sure I was cast as the evil stepmom for a couple of years. And it caused tension all around. But the upside is that my DH and his daughter got to have a vacation alone together for two years, and that was worth fighting for.

This story is a great example of how the "ex-DH puts new girl first" myth is created. So basically, when ex-DH comes to his senses and pulls back on some of the over the top things he has been doing, he's the bad guy. Now, his ex-wife can tell the kids and the world that he put his new girl first because he stopped funding HER VACATIONS. These types of behaviors don't mean the new partner is being chosen over the children..it means common sense has kicked in and they are no longer allowing the first wives to rule their time and wallets post divorce.

Not a myth as it is literally what took place.
Love the angry 2nd wives of dcum.

You missed the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because they are children. Because they were there first. Because they had no say in their parents divorce. Because what happens to them now colors the rest of their lives. Because they are not adults, they are still learning to manage their emotions and responses. Because adults should already know how to manage their emotions and responses. Because telling a kid that dad's new wife is more important than they are will ruin their relationship with dad.

+1

+1 and they get no choice in their parents and they cannot divorce their parents while they are children. They are called dependent children for a reason - they must rely on their parents. Let's say both of their parents took the attitude that they don't matter as much as the new spouse. What, are the kids supposed to fend for themselves while Mommy and Daddy, who chose to have them, get to go live the life? The second spouse knows all this, and must accept all this, or go pound sand. That being said, there should be a balance, and the kids should want to see their parents happy in their new relationship and do what they can to support the new marriage, including releasing some demands on their parents if they are old enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think the kids from the first marriage stand the best chance of good treatment in the second marriage if THAT STEPPARENT had kids they're bringing into the marriage, too. And if they don't have more kids together.

You'd think. But my brother is going through this now and his fiancée treats his kid like crap. Total Cinderella scenario. Nasty nasty nasty.

Doesn't say much about your brother that he allows this.

You're preaching to the choir. Have spent the past three years trying to protect my nephew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a stepmom (and a mother) and I believe that marriage comes first because it is the center of the family, it is the glue that keeps us all together, and it's even more important for my stepdaughter to see our marriage be strong and solid because her mother has now remarried and divorced again, so she has two divorces to mourn and recover from.

I also see that a huge part of our marriage being healthy is supporting each other to be the best parents we can be. And that means choosing to spend time with our children, and my DH choosing to spend time alone with my stepdaughter, because it's important to us to be good parents.

I chose my DH in part because he is a great dad and because I could see he made HUGE sacrifices to spend lots of time with his daughter, even on weeks when he didn't have custody. So when we got together, it was important to me that he preserve that time with her, and although things changed (like, he didn't cook her dinner at his ex wife's house as often) their actual time together did not decrease or diminish in quality.

So I do think that nurturing the marriage comes first. In a healthy marriage, though, both partners are equally committed to parenting all children. Even with good intentions, though, where the conflicts sometimes arise are when the unhealthy communication patterns of the previous marriage conflict with the new marriage -- for instance, my DH is conflict avoidant, and basically he'd do anything to appease his ex because she'd become a screaming, petulant mess if he didn't. I don't blame her for this dynamic -- it's 50% his responsibility that he played into it. But it meant that, before me, he'd basically give her money just to keep her from having a shit fit, even when it wasn't in his best interests to do so (or in the best interest of his child). For instance, his ex would expect him to pay for his daughter's share of vacation expenses every year..her vacation with her mom, not her dad. And since he and his ex had the same salary (GS feds), that left him without money for his own vacation with his daughter. He did it to keep the peace, but to his detriment and to his daughter's (because she never got to take a vacation with her dad alone). So that kind of thing caused conflict, because I was not at all okay with subsidizing my DH's ex's vacation. And he was never ok with it either, but just wasn't interested in putting in the energy to break out of the dynamic they were in. So, I'm sure I was cast as the evil stepmom for a couple of years. And it caused tension all around. But the upside is that my DH and his daughter got to have a vacation alone together for two years, and that was worth fighting for.

This story is a great example of how the "ex-DH puts new girl first" myth is created. So basically, when ex-DH comes to his senses and pulls back on some of the over the top things he has been doing, he's the bad guy. Now, his ex-wife can tell the kids and the world that he put his new girl first because he stopped funding HER VACATIONS. These types of behaviors don't mean the new partner is being chosen over the children..it means common sense has kicked in and they are no longer allowing the first wives to rule their time and wallets post divorce.

Not a myth as it is literally what took place.
Love the angry 2nd wives of dcum.

You missed the point.

It's just this kind of in-thread bickering that goes back to the point that OP is too immature to accept step-motherhood and possibly marriage itself. When step-moms put power struggles with ex-wives over bonding with step-kids, they have got to step back and ask themselves WHY?

OP -- and others -- seem beyond questioning motives of petty jealousy with DH's past (remember OP you are married to DH, not ex) and focusing on the future benefits of nurturing positive relationships. Sometimes that takes time. Others, it takes money. Always, it takes calm.

[Anonymous]

My ex has remarried and our only child, the child of the first marriage, definitely does not come first. They put themselves first all the time. It's pathetic. I've heard my child arguing with his father on the phone, standing up for himself. I'm more familiar with children of the first marriage getting screwed in the long run -- especially in wills when there are children in the second marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think the kids from the first marriage stand the best chance of good treatment in the second marriage if THAT STEPPARENT had kids they're bringing into the marriage, too. And if they don't have more kids together.

You'd think. But my brother is going through this now and his fiancée treats his kid like crap. Total Cinderella scenario. Nasty nasty nasty.

Doesn't say much about your brother that he allows this.

You're preaching to the choir. Have spent the past three years trying to protect my nephew.

So sad.

Anyway you could get custody?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex has remarried and our only child, the child of the first marriage, definitely does not come first. They put themselves first all the time. It's pathetic. I've heard my child arguing with his father on the phone, standing up for himself. I'm more familiar with children of the first marriage getting screwed in the long run -- especially in wills when there are children in the second marriage.

What things does your ex do that puts himself first?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex has remarried and our only child, the child of the first marriage, definitely does not come first. They put themselves first all the time. It's pathetic. I've heard my child arguing with his father on the phone, standing up for himself. I'm more familiar with children of the first marriage getting screwed in the long run -- especially in wills when there are children in the second marriage.

Sounds like you're fortunate to be free of your ex and your poor child is dealing with his dad's immaturity. Is there any way to place visitation on neutral spaces like soccer fields, where at least other people like friend's parents and XH's parents/kid's grandparents can set an example?

Child/parent fights don't promote bonding, so perhaps a structured activity like scouting or a sport may help.

Sorry you and your kid have to put up with this, PP! Hope this weekend goes well.

[Anonymous]

Well, it does seem that the step mothers have a reason to be worried about the health of their marriages since 60 plus percent of second marriages end in divorce. However, they should be ready to accept kids first or not marry someone that already has them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's just this kind of in-thread bickering that goes back to the point that OP is too immature to accept step-motherhood and possibly marriage itself. When step-moms put power struggles with ex-wives over bonding with step-kids, they have got to step back and ask themselves WHY?

OP -- and others -- seem beyond questioning motives of petty jealousy with DH's past (remember OP you are married to DH, not ex) and focusing on the future benefits of nurturing positive relationships. Sometimes that takes time. Others, it takes money. Always, it takes calm.

Interesting. I'm OP and never once have I revealed whether I'm a parent, bio or step, or not. I posed a question that came to my own mind as I read other threads. Bickering often starts when people start projecting their own personal anecdotes and color their responses as a result.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex has remarried and our only child, the child of the first marriage, definitely does not come first. They put themselves first all the time. It's pathetic. I've heard my child arguing with his father on the phone, standing up for himself. I'm more familiar with children of the first marriage getting screwed in the long run -- especially in wills when there are children in the second marriage.

Oh yeah? Care to give examples?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's just this kind of in-thread bickering that goes back to the point that OP is too immature to accept step-motherhood and possibly marriage itself. When step-moms put power struggles with ex-wives over bonding with step-kids, they have got to step back and ask themselves WHY?

OP -- and others -- seem beyond questioning motives of petty jealousy with DH's past (remember OP you are married to DH, not ex) and focusing on the future benefits of nurturing positive relationships. Sometimes that takes time. Others, it takes money. Always, it takes calm.

Interesting. I'm OP and never once have I revealed whether I'm a parent, bio or step, or not. I posed a question that came to my own mind as I read other threads. Bickering often starts when people start projecting their own personal anecdotes and color their responses as a result.

PP might actually have been talking about OP to the thread that inspired your thread, where the OP seemed to be a jealous stepmother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's just this kind of in-thread bickering that goes back to the point that OP is too immature to accept step-motherhood and possibly marriage itself. When step-moms put power struggles with ex-wives over bonding with step-kids, they have got to step back and ask themselves WHY?

OP -- and others -- seem beyond questioning motives of petty jealousy with DH's past (remember OP you are married to DH, not ex) and focusing on the future benefits of nurturing positive relationships. Sometimes that takes time. Others, it takes money. Always, it takes calm.

Interesting. I'm OP and never once have I revealed whether I'm a parent, bio or step, or not. I posed a question that came to my own mind as I read other threads. Bickering often starts when people start projecting their own personal anecdotes and color their responses as a result.

OP, when you come to DCUM, you risk getting unfavorable attention, especially from people who have motives/issues of their own. You've complained about this throughout this thread, yet you keep coming back to it and responding to every unfavorable poster, even those who mistake you for the OP of the other thread. Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why the need to marry the divorced guy/gal? Can you not have a long term relationship and keep the finances separate?

That works for some people, but the legal rights associated with being married are pretty well documented. A couple of social reasons I can think of would be:

- want to have a child together and feel that marriage is important for that
- want the social validation of "being married" vs. "being in a long term relationship"
- personal spiritual commitment

+1 I can't believe all the people here who really think you shouldn't get remarried if you have children.

Blended families are high drama, high stress environments for everyone involved. That is not fair to the children, who didn't ask for the divorce and who can't say "no" to a new step-parent and who can't move out before they are 18.

You shouldn't remarry if you are divorced and have kids. It's never good for the kids. The person most likely to abuse or molest your child is your new boyfriend or husband. That's an extreme example, but the spectrum of shitty parenting by step-parents is both broad and deep.

This is such complete nonsense. Your absolutism is ridiculous, as is your fear mongering that step-parents are abusers.

You might not like it but the statistics are clear that step-parents are far more likely to be abusive to their step-children than biological parents are to the same children. That doesn't mean that all step-parents are abusers, but if you intend to protect your children, you shouldn't have a step-parent in the house. Step-parents are statistically much more dangerous to children than strangers. No one would question keeping a stranger out of the house or away from kids. Same thing with step-parents.

Date whoever you like, but don't marry them and don't let them live in your house with your kids.

Children are also molested by teachers, religious leaders, sports coaches, and extended family members. They are also abused by biological parents and siblings. If you "intend to protect your children" you should make sure to avoid all those things too. Also cars. Cars are very dangerous for children. Avoid them, if you intend to protect your children.

Are you seriously suggesting that anyone who remarries doesn't want to protect their kids? Just keep making yourself sound crazy.

You sound both naïve and self-centered.

Out of all those groups, step-parents are the worst offenders. The rate of abuse by step-parents is about 50 times the rate by parents, and much higher than any of those other groups.

http://www.nbcnews.com/id/21838575/ns/health-childrens_health/t/children-higher-risk-nontraditional-homes/

Avoiding remarriage until your kids are out of the house is the safest course. I absolutely do judge people who move husbands or boyfriends into a household with their children because of the potential for abuse.