Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?

[Anonymous]

Wow. I hope none of you ever get divorced. Good luck on your second marriage being married to someone who "puts his first family first" above all else.

Sorry, but that's not reality. The second family goes on to have kids and they matter as well. The second family includes the first child and all children are considered in decision making. Not just the first.

[Anonymous]

I think the error is in thinking it's a hierarchy. Spousal relationships are important. Relationships with children are important. My relationship with my husband is just as important to me as my relationship with my child, but when those two relationships are in competition for attention/money/time/etc., I prioritize the child because my husband is an adult who understands that the child has a greater reliance on me, while he is an adult who can largely do for himself.

In the situation you're referencing, I think that the OP's husband should certainly discuss these kinds of spending with his new wife, but the new wife does not get to decide what is and is not appropriate for the children in question. That's between their mother and father. Father should definitely consult his new wife and respect her opinions, but if there is a conflict between what ex-wife wants for her children and what new wife thinks is reasonable for those children, ex-wife's opinion carries more weight.

Note: in functional, healthy coparenting relationships between divorced people, it doesn't come down to this very often. I'm divorced and remarried and I've never had a conflict with either my ex or my new husband about anything like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I hope none of you ever get divorced. Good luck on your second marriage being married to someone who "puts his first family first" above all else.

Sorry, but that's not reality. The second family goes on to have kids and they matter as well. The second family includes the first child and all children are considered in decision making. Not just the first.

I think it also depends on the family. The thread the OP is referring to was written by a second wife who basically characterized the problem as the ex-wife trying to extort unreasonable amounts of money "for her daughters." The OP didn't refer to them as stepdaughters, it's not clear that she actually even cares about the girls. My ex and I are able to navigate this easily, because the people we married consider themselves to be stepparents, not just spouses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because the children have no say, and no fault, in the breakup of their parents. And they have no say in the parent's new choice of spouse. Since they have little control over anything else, they pull rank on new wife.

This. Great answer.

And I'd add, the concept that a "marriage is the central, slam-dunk important relationship uber alles!" is not universal. For example, I don't agree w/ OP that it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the error is in thinking it's a hierarchy. Spousal relationships are important. Relationships with children are important. My relationship with my husband is just as important to me as my relationship with my child, but when those two relationships are in competition for attention/money/time/etc., I prioritize the child because my husband is an adult who understands that the child has a greater reliance on me, while he is an adult who can largely do for himself.

In the situation you're referencing, I think that the OP's husband should certainly discuss these kinds of spending with his new wife, but the new wife does not get to decide what is and is not appropriate for the children in question. That's between their mother and father. Father should definitely consult his new wife and respect her opinions, but if there is a conflict between what ex-wife wants for her children and what new wife thinks is reasonable for those children, ex-wife's opinion carries more weight.

Note: in functional, healthy coparenting relationships between divorced people, it doesn't come down to this very often. I'm divorced and remarried and I've never had a conflict with either my ex or my new husband about anything like this.

Completely disagree. If this is what people think, no wonder second marriages have a high rate of divorce. I would never marry a man who put another woman's feelings over mine.

[Anonymous]

This whole thread is why I would never marry someone with a kid. What an awful life for the second wife. It's not her fault (usually) that the marriage broke up or that there were kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the error is in thinking it's a hierarchy. Spousal relationships are important. Relationships with children are important. My relationship with my husband is just as important to me as my relationship with my child, but when those two relationships are in competition for attention/money/time/etc., I prioritize the child because my husband is an adult who understands that the child has a greater reliance on me, while he is an adult who can largely do for himself.

In the situation you're referencing, I think that the OP's husband should certainly discuss these kinds of spending with his new wife, but the new wife does not get to decide what is and is not appropriate for the children in question. That's between their mother and father. Father should definitely consult his new wife and respect her opinions, but if there is a conflict between what ex-wife wants for her children and what new wife thinks is reasonable for those children, ex-wife's opinion carries more weight.

Note: in functional, healthy coparenting relationships between divorced people, it doesn't come down to this very often. I'm divorced and remarried and I've never had a conflict with either my ex or my new husband about anything like this.

Completely disagree. If this is what people think, no wonder second marriages have a high rate of divorce. I would never marry a man who put another woman's feelings over mine.

They aren't her feelings and, tellingly, this isn't about "you" as the second wife. It's about the KID and what is best for the KID.

I pray you never become a stepmother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is why I would never marry someone with a kid. What an awful life for the second wife. It's not her fault (usually) that the marriage broke up or that there were kids.

Well, it can work fine if people go into this as mature adults understanding the entirety of the situation. This also includes sitting down and discussing the custody and support obligation, the parenting philosophies already at play, etc. Like everything else in marriage, communication is the key.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the error is in thinking it's a hierarchy. Spousal relationships are important. Relationships with children are important. My relationship with my husband is just as important to me as my relationship with my child, but when those two relationships are in competition for attention/money/time/etc., I prioritize the child because my husband is an adult who understands that the child has a greater reliance on me, while he is an adult who can largely do for himself.

In the situation you're referencing, I think that the OP's husband should certainly discuss these kinds of spending with his new wife, but the new wife does not get to decide what is and is not appropriate for the children in question. That's between their mother and father. Father should definitely consult his new wife and respect her opinions, but if there is a conflict between what ex-wife wants for her children and what new wife thinks is reasonable for those children, ex-wife's opinion carries more weight.

Note: in functional, healthy coparenting relationships between divorced people, it doesn't come down to this very often. I'm divorced and remarried and I've never had a conflict with either my ex or my new husband about anything like this.

Completely disagree. If this is what people think, no wonder second marriages have a high rate of divorce. I would never marry a man who put another woman's feelings over mine.

Thanks! Actually, I am a stepmother who has loved and been in my stepson's life over half his existence. DH and have our own biological children as well. Our blended family works well precisely because we do prioritize our marriage just like any other intact family would. We make decisions together as a team, for the benefit of the entire family.
They aren't her feelings and, tellingly, this isn't about "you" as the second wife. It's about the KID and what is best for the KID.

I pray you never become a stepmother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the error is in thinking it's a hierarchy. Spousal relationships are important. Relationships with children are important. My relationship with my husband is just as important to me as my relationship with my child, but when those two relationships are in competition for attention/money/time/etc., I prioritize the child because my husband is an adult who understands that the child has a greater reliance on me, while he is an adult who can largely do for himself.

In the situation you're referencing, I think that the OP's husband should certainly discuss these kinds of spending with his new wife, but the new wife does not get to decide what is and is not appropriate for the children in question. That's between their mother and father. Father should definitely consult his new wife and respect her opinions, but if there is a conflict between what ex-wife wants for her children and what new wife thinks is reasonable for those children, ex-wife's opinion carries more weight.

Note: in functional, healthy coparenting relationships between divorced people, it doesn't come down to this very often. I'm divorced and remarried and I've never had a conflict with either my ex or my new husband about anything like this.

Completely disagree. If this is what people think, no wonder second marriages have a high rate of divorce. I would never marry a man who put another woman's feelings over mine.

They aren't her feelings and, tellingly, this isn't about "you" as the second wife. It's about the KID and what is best for the KID.

I pray you never become a stepmother.

Thanks! Actually, I am a stepmother who has loved and been in my stepson's life over half his existence. DH and have our own biological children as well. Our blended family works well precisely because we do prioritize our marriage just like any other intact family would. We make decisions together as a team, for the benefit of the entire family.

I'm the original PP who said that the ex-wife's weight carries more opinion. I'm an ex-wife, and I would include my husband in the decision-making process regarding this expense. For us, it would also be a family event. We would want to take pictures of DD in her homecoming dress. My husband would want to participate in that experience for DD, not just thumbs-up/thumbs-down the pricetag for it.

That's not what's going on in the post being discussed. In that situation, the OP's husband volunteered to pay for the dress, of his own volition. The "unreasonable request" was his daughters' mother telling him how much it cost. The OP's issue is that she doesn't think those are reasonable expenses, and she's blaming the ex-wife for that, not her husband, who is the one actually responsible for excluding her. Certainly that would be a marital issue they need to work out, but provided that it is not a safety issue and is simply a matter of style or personal preference, as in this case, I don't think that the step-parent gets a veto.

[Anonymous]

I'm a recently divorced guy, with a kid, who has not remarried yet -- and who has not introduced any dates yet to my son-- so take this for a grain of salt. To begin with, I find the whole concept of priority problematic. Everybody has needs. Everybody has time demands. Everyone wants and needs to feel special in a relationship. The issue would not, in my mind, be who is more important, but how can we all achieve more and be more comfortable.

Of course, there are conflicts. But there are conflicts if there isn't a kid too. Do you go on a work trip? Do you have a date night or go out with friends? Do you do the extra load of laundry, even though you hate doing laundry, because it will help your partner be more relaxed? Having a kid may create more conflicts because they create additional demands on your time. So everything needs to be allocated between 3 or more instead of 2.

I would only remarry someone that wanted my son to flourish. Not because he's more important, but because I just wouldn't like anyone who couldn't have that personal generosity of the heart and soul toward another person in their care. I wouldn't respect them as a person. I understand that my son wouldn't be her biological kid, and the feeling of protectiveness and generosity wouldn't be as strong as for her own offspring. There is biology to that. But someone that view a strict division betwen mine and hers is probably going to be absolute and unreasonable in other ways too.

I've been pretty bummed out lately that I've had several women that I was interested in dating, who expressed interest in me, who said they didn't want to go out after I mentioned I had a son (in texting before the date). I guess I should be grateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the error is in thinking it's a hierarchy. Spousal relationships are important. Relationships with children are important. My relationship with my husband is just as important to me as my relationship with my child, but when those two relationships are in competition for attention/money/time/etc., I prioritize the child because my husband is an adult who understands that the child has a greater reliance on me, while he is an adult who can largely do for himself.

In the situation you're referencing, I think that the OP's husband should certainly discuss these kinds of spending with his new wife, but the new wife does not get to decide what is and is not appropriate for the children in question. That's between their mother and father. Father should definitely consult his new wife and respect her opinions, but if there is a conflict between what ex-wife wants for her children and what new wife thinks is reasonable for those children, ex-wife's opinion carries more weight.

Note: in functional, healthy coparenting relationships between divorced people, it doesn't come down to this very often. I'm divorced and remarried and I've never had a conflict with either my ex or my new husband about anything like this.

Completely disagree. If this is what people think, no wonder second marriages have a high rate of divorce. I would never marry a man who put another woman's feelings over mine.

They aren't her feelings and, tellingly, this isn't about "you" as the second wife. It's about the KID and what is best for the KID.

I pray you never become a stepmother.

Thanks! Actually, I am a stepmother who has loved and been in my stepson's life over half his existence. DH and have our own biological children as well. Our blended family works well precisely because we do prioritize our marriage just like any other intact family would. We make decisions together as a team, for the benefit of the entire family.

I'm the original PP who said that the ex-wife's weight carries more opinion. I'm an ex-wife, and I would include my husband in the decision-making process regarding this expense. For us, it would also be a family event. We would want to take pictures of DD in her homecoming dress. My husband would want to participate in that experience for DD, not just thumbs-up/thumbs-down the pricetag for it.

That's not what's going on in the post being discussed. In that situation, the OP's husband volunteered to pay for the dress, of his own volition. The "unreasonable request" was his daughters' mother telling him how much it cost. The OP's issue is that she doesn't think those are reasonable expenses, and she's blaming the ex-wife for that, not her husband, who is the one actually responsible for excluding her. Certainly that would be a marital issue they need to work out, but provided that it is not a safety issue and is simply a matter of style or personal preference, as in this case, I don't think that the step-parent gets a veto.

Thank you for the explanation. Just curious, are you remarried? While I can appreciate your opinion, I still have to respectfully disagree. If my DH volunteers what I think is an unreasonable amount of money and spending the money will negatively impact our family, then yes it gets vetoed. Just like any other marriage. One spouse can't go off making decisions willy nilly and disregard the other's opinion, no matter what the situation. No marriage can withstand that sort of thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a recently divorced guy, with a kid, who has not remarried yet -- and who has not introduced any dates yet to my son-- so take this for a grain of salt. To begin with, I find the whole concept of priority problematic. Everybody has needs. Everybody has time demands. Everyone wants and needs to feel special in a relationship. The issue would not, in my mind, be who is more important, but how can we all achieve more and be more comfortable.

Of course, there are conflicts. But there are conflicts if there isn't a kid too. Do you go on a work trip? Do you have a date night or go out with friends? Do you do the extra load of laundry, even though you hate doing laundry, because it will help your partner be more relaxed? Having a kid may create more conflicts because they create additional demands on your time. So everything needs to be allocated between 3 or more instead of 2.

I would only remarry someone that wanted my son to flourish. Not because he's more important, but because I just wouldn't like anyone who couldn't have that personal generosity of the heart and soul toward another person in their care. I wouldn't respect them as a person. I understand that my son wouldn't be her biological kid, and the feeling of protectiveness and generosity wouldn't be as strong as for her own offspring. There is biology to that. But someone that view a strict division betwen mine and hers is probably going to be absolute and unreasonable in other ways too.

I've been pretty bummed out lately that I've had several women that I was interested in dating, who expressed interest in me, who said they didn't want to go out after I mentioned I had a son (in texting before the date). I guess I should be grateful.

I think many women don't want to go out because of the ex wife, not the child itself. As you can see on these boards, blended families are typically problematic. Any decent woman would want your child to flourish..but not at the expense of their own. And that is the point I think pp's are failing to realize. The first child should not be prioritized over all others just because they came first. If the family was still together, you wouldn't prioritize the eldest child over the ones that came later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many people believe that a marriage is at the center of a family, and that two spouses should always put each other and their marriage as their top priority even before their own children. Even here on DCUM there have been threads in the past asking whether you love your spouse or your child more, or which is your top priority, and the responses have been mixed.

Well, as someone who was the step-parent once, and "married into" a family, I think what you're seeing is more a reflection of the attitudes of people who put the children at the top of the priority list, ahead of spouses. They do this to the biological parent while still married to them as well as to step-parents, but it's not as obvious because the other biological parent may have the same prioritization of the child, and does have an equal status or footing as a parent.

That is: in a remarriage, the child's needs are a "justification" used to have the biological parent's priorities or desires trump the step-parent's priorities or desires. It's not always just entirely selfish on the part of the biological parent - a lot of times there is a ton of divorce guilt, none of which they feel towards the step parent. There is also a lot of "suck it up, you knew I had the kiddo before you signed on", although most childless step-parents have no idea what they are signing up for.

I have seen biological parents do this to each other plenty - use the kids as a way to get their own way, or to trump the other parent's wishes.

After my experience, which ended in divorce, I didn't even consider dating a single parent. I am happily married and a biological parent now myself, and I cannot imagine ever needing to go through dating or marriage again, but if I somehow wound up a single parent, I might consider another single parent since I also have my own "trump card". That's pretty cynical, but it is a real dynamic...I just heard "my kid, my way" so many times, it's drilled into me.

[Anonymous]

I've been pretty bummed out lately that I've had several women that I was interested in dating, who expressed interest in me, who said they didn't want to go out after I mentioned I had a son (in texting before the date). I guess I should be grateful.

You sound like a nice dude and I'm certain you'll find the right partner, if that's what you want.

I'm responding because there are a lot of women out there like me, who don't want a relationship with a man who has kids under ~20 or so. We are not ogres. I wish them (you) well and you are probably awesome.

It's just that women like me (and there are lot of us in the 35-55 pool) don't want to care for kids again. I have no illusions about how many legitimate needs your son is going to have in the coming years ... because I'm a mom myself. And your son's need are 110% valid, but I don't want to deal with that all over again. I'd rather travel to the Galapagos with a girlfriend, for ever more, if you know what I mean.

And the women who don't have kids but say thanks/ no thanks when they learn you have a child? They correctly judge themselves that they don't want to take on that large amount of emotional weight, mundane work (soccer games!) and, quite frankly, compromise. And that's OK.