Anonymous
Post 03/15/2018 13:14     Subject: New AP never leaves the house...
Anonymous wrote:This young lady is doing nothing to help herself. I’m not going to change my work environment and my nanny is trying to get the AP to step up.
We’ve had live in summer sitters for the last six years and they all engage, find a role and help out.
This AP seems to want everything handed to her.
She arrived in NY in January with no warm clothes, we got her everything she needed.
She arrived with no computer, we set up a laptop for her.
The equation is unbalanced because she’s contributing so little overall


After we match, we give our AP a list of things to bring, including weather appropriate clothes which they can choose to bring or buy once here. Especially an AP coming from a very different climate, it is important to explain and give examples of what are weather appropriate clothes - they may have no idea what it really means if they come from a tropical country and moves to Boston in the middle of a snow storm. I considers it my responsibility as a HM to at the very least not assume that she will just know what to pack but to guide her so if she still doesn't pay attention, then at least I tried to tell her.

We also ask if our overseas AP will be coming with a laptop. We do not assume anything. What may seem normal or common sense is only common sense to us, not necessarily to the AP, too.

As for having the nanny still there, as other PP mentioned, this AP (not all AP) but this one, seems very lost as to what her place is in the house. The long time nanny has the established relationship with the kids, just like a HM. It is very difficult for a new AP, especially one without natural confidence, to really insert herself. You need to remove the training wheels (the nanny) and have the AP just take care of the kids by herself and see if she sink or swim. Don't drag out the training. Take a couple of days to show how to do the KEY responsibilities and then let go. You may see the situation as the AP not doing much and being very lazy, but it could also be the AP doesn't know when to step in and afraid to, since there are "too many cooks in the kitchen". Tell her for the next 4 hours, she is IT (no nanny, no HM, no other adults). Then, see what she can really do. She will make mistakes and be inefficient in the beginning but that is part of the learning curve. Do not compare her to your nanny. It took your nanny many years to hone her skills and figure out your expectations. Give the AP some time to figure it out but make it clear ... tag "your IT".
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2018 13:04     Subject: Re:New AP never leaves the house...
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If your former childcare set-up worked so well, why change it? Why did you decide to go into the AP program? Five years into this program, I can attest that it requires you as a HM to make changes...changes to your expectations, how you run your home, etc.

It sounds like you want an English speaking babysitter who can drive and doesn’t stay home when she isn’t working. Not a great fit for the AP program.

To your points, it sounds like your AP arrived pretty helpless...no winter clothes, no money to buy winter clothes, no tablet/laptop, limited English, not the proper paperwork. I agree, this is all very frustrating.



Our nanny is retiring as soon as we're ready, but June at the latest. Our 2yo will start a full time 3s program in September, so we thought moving to an AP would be the right solution for us.

We were open to helping someone to learn English, fit into to our culture etc, we're happy to have someone live with us, it's worked well in the past.
This AP is just dead weight so far, she has no motivation or drive and I don't have the energy to do everything for her.

My husband doesn't want her to drive on an IL because he's worried that she's not a strong driver. That's another issue that I don't know how we'll overcome.


Wait, so the real story is that you won't let her drive? Even though she legally could? Why does your DH think that just by getting a NY license she will magically become a good driver?
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2018 13:02     Subject: Re:New AP never leaves the house...
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So let me get this straight....you are frustrated because she doesn’t leave the house, but she can’t drive, you live in a suburb, the weather has been awful, and it’s too far to walk anywhere? Where exactly do you want her to go and how do you want her to get there?



We leave the house several times a day. We offer to include her, drop her off or pick her up, pay for her to go places, take her to dinner or a movie.
She prefers to stay home.


Stop inviting her to go places and start scheduling her to go. She must be well under 45 hours, right? So schedule her to go to the grocery store with you. Schedule her to figure out if the drivers license manual is in Italian, and even if it isn't, to study for the test (because if her English is as weak as you think it is she will need to study to pass the test). Schedule her to drive around a parking lot with your husband so he can figure out her driving ability - or pay for a driving assessment and schedule her to do it.

Schedule her to ride along for pickup/dropoff with your nanny so she learns how the carpool line works even if she's not driving. Schedule her to do child-related chores. Schedule her to go to Starbucks and talk to three people while she's there. Schedule her to use Google Translate if necessary, but figure out what paperwork she needs for her drivers license and schedule her to go to the DMV and take the tests.

She needs to get out of the house, and it sounds like you have plenty of hours.


I agree with all of this, but honestly before you go sinking more time and effort into this AP - if driving is a necessary part of your gig (and with an 8 and 10 year old, I can't imagine it's not), focus on getting someone to do a driving assessment (and lesson or two). Think about what you will feel like even if she passes the drivers' test (and is it just written or is there a practical part? In NJ it's just written unless the person has had their at-home dl for less than a year). Even if she passes, she may not be someone you want driving your kids around and you need to determine this piece of it ASAP. If this part does not work out, none of the rest even matters.

I have a preteen and driving is A KEY part of the job. I match from Sweden (they are very good drivers typically and need to spend the equivalent of several thousand dollars to get their license and they have to learn to both lose and gain control on ice in order to pass - one tricky things is that roads are typically less busy/crowded but this is true in most non-city locations in Europe). In addition to driving with them myself (and DH) their first weekend and first several weeks, I always hire a driving instructor during the first month (and they cannot drive anywhere except very locally in town until this is done). I have the instructor tell me how they did. So far nobody needed lessons beyond that, but if I got a bad (or even luke warm) report from the instructor, we'd need to figure it out FAST.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2018 13:00     Subject: Re:New AP never leaves the house...
Anonymous wrote:It's our APs lack of ability to do anything that makes us nervous about allowing her to drive. We have taken her out in our car several times and DH decides to wait to see if she'd pass the US test.


Honestly, passing the US test does not mean anything. We have been hosting AP from weak driving countries for a few years now and we do not rely on (a) home country DL or (b) US State DL. Passing US test demonstrates a minimum skill level. We do not let the AP drive alone and certainly not our kids until the AP passes our test which includes technical driving, rule of the road driving, and figuring out directions. We test them by giving them a list of destinations in the area and we ride along to see if they make any moving violations, understand the layout of main roads, get us to the destinations, how they handle getting lost (if they are calm or freaking out) and their problem solving skills to get themselves back in the right direction, drive in day time and at night, park on street and in lots ... without the use of GPS. If they can complete the circuit safely, then we hand over the car keys. If they don't, we keep testing. It is a huge investment of time.

We tell our AP at interview stage that getting a State DL does not automatically mean they can drive OUR car.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2018 12:35     Subject: Re:New AP never leaves the house...
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So let me get this straight....you are frustrated because she doesn’t leave the house, but she can’t drive, you live in a suburb, the weather has been awful, and it’s too far to walk anywhere? Where exactly do you want her to go and how do you want her to get there?



We leave the house several times a day. We offer to include her, drop her off or pick her up, pay for her to go places, take her to dinner or a movie.
She prefers to stay home.


Stop inviting her to go places and start scheduling her to go. She must be well under 45 hours, right? So schedule her to go to the grocery store with you. Schedule her to figure out if the drivers license manual is in Italian, and even if it isn't, to study for the test (because if her English is as weak as you think it is she will need to study to pass the test). Schedule her to drive around a parking lot with your husband so he can figure out her driving ability - or pay for a driving assessment and schedule her to do it.

Schedule her to ride along for pickup/dropoff with your nanny so she learns how the carpool line works even if she's not driving. Schedule her to do child-related chores. Schedule her to go to Starbucks and talk to three people while she's there. Schedule her to use Google Translate if necessary, but figure out what paperwork she needs for her drivers license and schedule her to go to the DMV and take the tests.

She needs to get out of the house, and it sounds like you have plenty of hours.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2018 11:44     Subject: Re:New AP never leaves the house...
Yes, you have to screen very well with rematches...some have issues and some are good but coming from a HF with issues. Your best case scenerio would be a good year 2 with strong recommendation and is extending to experience another area/family and/or current family just doesn’t do extensions.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2018 11:35     Subject: Re:New AP never leaves the house...
Anonymous wrote:I am surprised that in such a strong AP community, your friends with APs haven’t shown you the ropes.

I recommend rematching and starting over.

1. Look for a year 2 or rematch who already had a license and strong driving record.

2. If new AP, the first day of training in your home (day after you pick her up), the #1 priority is getting her behind the wheel. I rotate between showing AP our house and getting her driving. When I need to take a break, I send AP out to drive around the block and pull in and out of driveway, park, etc. DH takes her out driving in the evening. The other priority is a bank account and card (I also do this on her first day). Next is social security card. This helps identify any paperwork discrepancies.


Thanks, this is very helpful.

I work full time so I don't see them as much, especially this time of year.
One did say not to rematch as she thinks most of those APs have issues

It's our APs lack of ability to do anything that makes us nervous about allowing her to drive. We have taken her out in our car several times and DH decides to wait to see if she'd pass the US test.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2018 10:21     Subject: Re:New AP never leaves the house...
I am surprised that in such a strong AP community, your friends with APs haven’t shown you the ropes.

I recommend rematching and starting over.

1. Look for a year 2 or rematch who already had a license and strong driving record.

2. If new AP, the first day of training in your home (day after you pick her up), the #1 priority is getting her behind the wheel. I rotate between showing AP our house and getting her driving. When I need to take a break, I send AP out to drive around the block and pull in and out of driveway, park, etc. DH takes her out driving in the evening. The other priority is a bank account and card (I also do this on her first day). Next is social security card. This helps identify any paperwork discrepancies.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2018 09:52     Subject: New AP never leaves the house...
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Maybe she's also unhappy to work with the nanny.
I would have hated that situation.

You need to talk to her, ask her if she's happy.
Sometimes just asking that simple question can make people open up. Ask her what you can do to help her be happy.

From what I've seen for myself, families in Italy are very close knit, her mom has probably done everything for her since she was born and that's why she doesn't clean up after herself.
You need to ask her to do so.
Maybe make her a weekly schedule and remind the basic tasks on it like cleaning up after oneself.

She's also not used to the snow ...


Too bad. This is our arrangement and our nanny has been going out of her way to be accommodating.
She won’t be working at all if she doesn’t step it up.


"Too bad"? It looks like you're not taking any advice into consideration here. Why come and ask for it on this board then?
Put yourself in that young lady's shoes and maybe you will get that it's a pain in the neck to :
a) work for a work out of home mom
b) work with a nanny - the kids must love her and it's tougher for her to bond with your kids since she's not fully in charge.
I'm sure the nanny's nice but it's really not a good arrangement at all. Would YOU be happy to work with someone everyday??


This young lady is doing nothing to help herself. I’m not going to change my work environment and my nanny is trying to get the AP to step up.
We’ve had live in summer sitters for the last six years and they all engage, find a role and help out.
This AP seems to want everything handed to her.
She arrived in NY in January with no warm clothes, we got her everything she needed.
She arrived with no computer, we set up a laptop for her.
The equation is unbalanced because she’s contributing so little overall


So it's all about this AP's fault and you are the perfect host mother?
You don't realize you are part of the problem.
Not 100% your fault but you can't blame the AP for everything.
Maybe she can't afford the warm clothes for instance?
Why would she arrive with a computer? That's ridiculous !
The job you're offering is terrible (mom working from home, nanny still there = no way for the AP to bond with the kids properly and it makes her feel useless).
I'm surprised she didn't ask for a rematch yet. I bet she's depressed.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2018 09:48     Subject: Re:New AP never leaves the house...
Well, she isn’t going to become a strong driver by simply getting a NY drivers license. She had to drive to become a stronger driver. If you have the $ to throw at it, get her some lessons.

You as the HP have to make changes. The 20 year old foreign girl isn’t going to wake up tomorrow and have this all figured out. If you can’t help to get her driving I just don’t see how anything else is going to get resolved.

Also, there is no reason for your kids to want to bond with AP if the amazing nanny they have always loved is folding laundry in the next room. Kids and APs bond and work through the language barriers when and because they have to...as in the AP is the childcare provider and kids must rely on her.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2018 09:47     Subject: Re:New AP never leaves the house...
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If your former childcare set-up worked so well, why change it? Why did you decide to go into the AP program? Five years into this program, I can attest that it requires you as a HM to make changes...changes to your expectations, how you run your home, etc.

It sounds like you want an English speaking babysitter who can drive and doesn’t stay home when she isn’t working. Not a great fit for the AP program.

To your points, it sounds like your AP arrived pretty helpless...no winter clothes, no money to buy winter clothes, no tablet/laptop, limited English, not the proper paperwork. I agree, this is all very frustrating.



Our nanny is retiring as soon as we're ready, but June at the latest. Our 2yo will start a full time 3s program in September, so we thought moving to an AP would be the right solution for us.

We were open to helping someone to learn English, fit into to our culture etc, we're happy to have someone live with us, it's worked well in the past.
This AP is just dead weight so far, she has no motivation or drive and I don't have the energy to do everything for her.

My husband doesn't want her to drive on an IL because he's worried that she's not a strong driver. That's another issue that I don't know how we'll overcome.


We do have time, we've made time, we've invited her to many events so she can socialize. She's not interested

You need rematch, but this is on you. For your first AP, after an adult, professional nanny, and in a household where you don't have time to teach driving and English, you needed someone better able to take over right out of the box. I really don't understand how none of this came through during the matching phase.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2018 09:47     Subject: Re:New AP never leaves the house...
Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you were expecting a mature, English speaking, self-starter, with a strong sense of self to navigate her position in a tricky work space. These APs are few and far between. On top of this, you live in the suburbs and need a driver and two months in and she can’t drive, but yet you want her to leave the house. I think you are going to need to rematch and either start over with a much more comprehensive search through a variety of agencies or return to the nanny plus live-in summer sitter.


I don't thinks that's the case. We are literally the only family in our school who does not yet have an AP.
There's a big community of them and everything works reasonably well.
Many APs have been in our home over the years, and around our family, for play dates, get togethers etc. Overall our AP seems to be the least mature and together of the group I've met.

The delays with her DL haven't all been her fault, we've had one storm after another for weeks so everything gets pushed back.
But she's not focused on it, she's not doing anything to improve her English, she doesn't want to socialize with us or anyone else...
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2018 09:43     Subject: Re:New AP never leaves the house...
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If your former childcare set-up worked so well, why change it? Why did you decide to go into the AP program? Five years into this program, I can attest that it requires you as a HM to make changes...changes to your expectations, how you run your home, etc.

It sounds like you want an English speaking babysitter who can drive and doesn’t stay home when she isn’t working. Not a great fit for the AP program.

To your points, it sounds like your AP arrived pretty helpless...no winter clothes, no money to buy winter clothes, no tablet/laptop, limited English, not the proper paperwork. I agree, this is all very frustrating.



Our nanny is retiring as soon as we're ready, but June at the latest. Our 2yo will start a full time 3s program in September, so we thought moving to an AP would be the right solution for us.

We were open to helping someone to learn English, fit into to our culture etc, we're happy to have someone live with us, it's worked well in the past.
This AP is just dead weight so far, she has no motivation or drive and I don't have the energy to do everything for her.

My husband doesn't want her to drive on an IL because he's worried that she's not a strong driver. That's another issue that I don't know how we'll overcome.


You need rematch, but this is on you. For your first AP, after an adult, professional nanny, and in a household where you don't have time to teach driving and English, you needed someone better able to take over right out of the box. I really don't understand how none of this came through during the matching phase.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2018 09:39     Subject: Re:New AP never leaves the house...
Anonymous wrote:If your former childcare set-up worked so well, why change it? Why did you decide to go into the AP program? Five years into this program, I can attest that it requires you as a HM to make changes...changes to your expectations, how you run your home, etc.

It sounds like you want an English speaking babysitter who can drive and doesn’t stay home when she isn’t working. Not a great fit for the AP program.

To your points, it sounds like your AP arrived pretty helpless...no winter clothes, no money to buy winter clothes, no tablet/laptop, limited English, not the proper paperwork. I agree, this is all very frustrating.



Our nanny is retiring as soon as we're ready, but June at the latest. Our 2yo will start a full time 3s program in September, so we thought moving to an AP would be the right solution for us.

We were open to helping someone to learn English, fit into to our culture etc, we're happy to have someone live with us, it's worked well in the past.
This AP is just dead weight so far, she has no motivation or drive and I don't have the energy to do everything for her.

My husband doesn't want her to drive on an IL because he's worried that she's not a strong driver. That's another issue that I don't know how we'll overcome.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2018 09:21     Subject: Re:New AP never leaves the house...
It sounds like you were expecting a mature, English speaking, self-starter, with a strong sense of self to navigate her position in a tricky work space. These APs are few and far between. On top of this, you live in the suburbs and need a driver and two months in and she can’t drive, but yet you want her to leave the house. I think you are going to need to rematch and either start over with a much more comprehensive search through a variety of agencies or return to the nanny plus live-in summer sitter.