Anonymous wrote:Ask for receipts and explain you would like her to ask before she buys stuff for herself ( other than food. You should feed her).

So, if she takes $30 and says she spent it at a restaurant for dinner on the way home, it’s ok to steal? Or buys $30 of junk food and coke for only herself to be hoarded in her room?

No. It’s one thing if host mom said she could get herself a coffee while out, this was straight out dishonesty and stealing.

What did you do OP?

Ask for receipts and explain you would like her to ask before she buys stuff for herself ( other than food. You should feed her).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was it communicated from the beginning that the toiletry in the gift basket was a welcome one-time thing and she is responsible for the rest of the year? Was it a miscommunication?

How much did you give the AP in total for the diapers and baby food that there would be $30 extra of which she bought $20 of toiletry and $10 left in change? Was this a petty cash that she had access to or you gave her money specifically for a one-time trip to the store for diapers and baby food?

Next time, hand over money but just enough to buy the diapers and baby food. Calculate how many diapers and baby food and tell her exactly that shopping list and no more or less. Have her bring back receipt and change.

I would go through the bags of diapers and baby food. Ask her "Is this all of it?" and "I can please have the receipt and change?" Just say it in a matter-of-fact tone. When she hands over the receipt, you comment that the money was for diapers and baby food only and not for anything else. Then clarify about personal toiletry on the receipt as on her own. Since she already bought it, you'll let it go this time. However, in the future, please only use the money to buy the things I ask for and always give me the receipt and change when you get back.

Ummm, I've given every single AP a huge gift basket that includes all imaginable toiletries, candle, mug, sunblock, GC to the movies pedicure, and Starbucks, nice tea, OTC medicines, people magazine, monogrammed bathrobe and I have never ONCE had to "communicate " that the gift basket was a one time thing. This is not the fault of the OP. This is a shady untrustworthy AP.

We also do a gift basket of toiletries, but I explicitly say in the handbook that AP is responsible for their own (buying what they prefer) the rest of the year. If they ask, could you please pick up some shampoo before I go grocery shopping, sure, I'll pick up something random. But most 20 somethings want something fancy or that smells good, not the random stuff HM is going to grab from a grocery store!

Anonymous wrote:Was it communicated from the beginning that the toiletry in the gift basket was a welcome one-time thing and she is responsible for the rest of the year? Was it a miscommunication?

How much did you give the AP in total for the diapers and baby food that there would be $30 extra of which she bought $20 of toiletry and $10 left in change? Was this a petty cash that she had access to or you gave her money specifically for a one-time trip to the store for diapers and baby food?

Next time, hand over money but just enough to buy the diapers and baby food. Calculate how many diapers and baby food and tell her exactly that shopping list and no more or less. Have her bring back receipt and change.

I would go through the bags of diapers and baby food. Ask her "Is this all of it?" and "I can please have the receipt and change?" Just say it in a matter-of-fact tone. When she hands over the receipt, you comment that the money was for diapers and baby food only and not for anything else. Then clarify about personal toiletry on the receipt as on her own. Since she already bought it, you'll let it go this time. However, in the future, please only use the money to buy the things I ask for and always give me the receipt and change when you get back.

Ummm, I've given every single AP a huge gift basket that includes all imaginable toiletries, candle, mug, sunblock, GC to the movies pedicure, and Starbucks, nice tea, OTC medicines, people magazine, monogrammed bathrobe and I have never ONCE had to "communicate " that the gift basket was a one time thing. This is not the fault of the OP. This is a shady untrustworthy AP.

Anonymous wrote:I'm the one who needed all 45 hours. All 3 of my APs extended, and we have visited all of them in their own countries. I basically gave them free reign on what to do with my baby/toddler daughter during those hours. "Please, take her and go shopping (bus and metro are walking distance) or have your AP friends come over." I wanted them to enjoy themselves despite being *at work.* My parents came every 3rd weekend to visit and often got there around noon on Friday so my APs got off a few hours early those Fridays. Mostly they just hung around with my parents chatting until their friends were off work as well. On those weekends I did not see the AP til Sunday night or Monday morning, whenever my parents left.

This was how my HF handled it (HM's parents didn't come every 3rd weekend but at least every other month) and exactly why I still remember my AP year so fondly, 20 years later. My HP's never expected me to parent better than they did. If something was okay for them to do with the kids (take the kids to run errands, tell them to go watch tv for a peaceful 20 minute coffee break, kick them out to play in the backyard and watch them from the patio while feeding the baby) it was okay for me to do it with the kids. There was never an expectation of me to do anything better than they did - no 45 hrs of constant entertainment, enrichment, teaching, keeping engaged with 'meaningful' activities.

We are holding our child care providers to the same standards today. Do as we do. We make the kids come along for activities they want to do (as long as it's appropriate to take the kids) they can make the kids do the same. As long as they are well taken care of the AP is welcome to take the kids to a museum, to the mall, for lunch dates with friends... I'd rather they go somewhere than be at home all day. I also don't mind if they drive two suburbs over to go to the playground to meet a friend who can't drive with the kids she watches. I also wouldn't mind if she bought herself a coffee from the money I gave her for shopping, I would however mind not getting my change back if we are talking $20+.

Anonymous wrote:By far, we hear most from families needing full time work for toddlers and preschoolers (40-45) and split shift for elementary (15-20). That doesn’t sound even remotely similar to a bell

That sound more like a camel curve than a bell curve

Single mother/professional- I use every AP hour possible and have a regular babysitter on standby for baby for overflow hours. When I looked at multiple AP programs, I asked multiple people within these programs about whether or not ours would be an attractive situation and was told yes, but to screen heavily for people with experience with babies who want to be with babies all day. I allow the AP to take the baby to museums, movies, malls, lunch dates with friends, the DMV, wherever, just as I would do if I were able to stay home with him. That's pretty much the best that I can do at this point. I thought having an au pair would be about the same cost as a nanny share, but it's a lot more. Still, on balance, I think it's a bit cheaper than a full-time nanny, and more flexible because I don't get federal holidays off. I don't think we should have to feel guilty for maximizing AP hours.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good lord host moms. If you passed a basic statistics class you understand that maxing out hours is going to be the extreme end of the bell curve of AP hours. Even if there might be a pile up there.

Actually, with a full understanding of statistics, you'd recognize that a "pile up," as you put it, is inconsistent with "a bell curve," which by definition has fewer observations at the ends. Not everything conforms to a normal distribution (what you call a bell curve), so it's possible that the distribution of AP hours looks very different than you are imagining.

Nobody gets an AP and doesn’t use hours. I’d be willing to bet the the fewest are in the 5-10 hour bracket, more at 10-15, with a large cluster at 15-20. There’s also a large cluster at 40-45, somewhat less at 20-25 and 35-40, and smaller amounts at 25-30 and 30-35. By far, we hear most from families needing full time work for toddlers and preschoolers (40-45) and split shift for elementary (15-20). That doesn’t sound even remotely similar to a bell curve...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good lord host moms. If you passed a basic statistics class you understand that maxing out hours is going to be the extreme end of the bell curve of AP hours. Even if there might be a pile up there.

Actually, with a full understanding of statistics, you'd recognize that a "pile up," as you put it, is inconsistent with "a bell curve," which by definition has fewer observations at the ends. Not everything conforms to a normal distribution (what you call a bell curve), so it's possible that the distribution of AP hours looks very different than you are imagining.

Love it!

Anonymous wrote:Good lord host moms. If you passed a basic statistics class you understand that maxing out hours is going to be the extreme end of the bell curve of AP hours. Even if there might be a pile up there.

PhD in biostatistics here. We use the 45 hours. We have toddlers and we are in the medical profession. IF you are not *breaking* the rules, then why so judgy?

Anonymous wrote:Good lord host moms. If you passed a basic statistics class you understand that maxing out hours is going to be the extreme end of the bell curve of AP hours. Even if there might be a pile up there.

Good lord, you still don’t get it do you?

I'm the one who needed all 45 hours. All 3 of my APs extended, and we have visited all of them in their own countries. I basically gave them free reign on what to do with my baby/toddler daughter during those hours. "Please, take her and go shopping (bus and metro are walking distance) or have your AP friends come over." I wanted them to enjoy themselves despite being *at work.* My parents came every 3rd weekend to visit and often got there around noon on Friday so my APs got off a few hours early those Fridays. Mostly they just hung around with my parents chatting until their friends were off work as well. On those weekends I did not see the AP til Sunday night or Monday morning, whenever my parents left.

Anonymous wrote:Good lord host moms. If you passed a basic statistics class you understand that maxing out hours is going to be the extreme end of the bell curve of AP hours. Even if there might be a pile up there.

Actually, with a full understanding of statistics, you'd recognize that a "pile up," as you put it, is inconsistent with "a bell curve," which by definition has fewer observations at the ends. Not everything conforms to a normal distribution (what you call a bell curve), so it's possible that the distribution of AP hours looks very different than you are imagining.

Good lord host moms. If you passed a basic statistics class you understand that maxing out hours is going to be the extreme end of the bell curve of AP hours. Even if there might be a pile up there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had 3 APs and all worked 45 hours a week. I had no idea others didn't. I'm a single-mom-teacher and i needed every minute of that 45 hours.

Well now you know. It’s very common for APs to work only before and aftercare, far less than 45 hours.

Yes, and it's very common for those without without "before and aftercare" to use all day care and the full 45 hours, and it's very common for those who work nights and weekends to use very different hours from yours. and there are those who work holidays, including Thanksgiving (who was working those Black Friday hours? SO many in retail, medical, first responders, entertainment, etc.). But you would never understand that many people in this country don't conform to your ideas of "norm" and "very common".

+100, PP here