Anonymous wrote:Long-time nanny here. The problem is that when your role all day is taking care of the kids, they don't just automatically shut off and only go to the parents once the parents are there. They still whine, complain, ask for attention, act up, etc. to you, the nanny or AP. Basically, MB and DB get home, you are supposedly "off", but you really just become a 3rd parent. Everyone is then dealing with the kids. Or one/two are dealing with the kids while the other one/two make dinner or clean up. The point is, it is work for everyone. No matter how much you love the family you work for, it is still work. I have stayed for dinners with my nanny family, and it felt like work. As much as I adored them, it just did. Work I wasn't paid for after a long, hard day. Sorry, it is true. Same with parties at their house, or outings with them that I was invited to as a guest, like a football game. Same for trips with them. It is just the nature of it.

I totally understand this as a host mom, and that is why I would never be insulted by an AP who chose to have dinner on her own, though I would feel badly if she NEVER wanted to join us. (And would feel taken advantage of if she came and grabbed dinner that I or DH worked hard to cook, and then just took it to her room and brought the dish back, and never chose to eat WITH us.) But I do think that with the right relationship and expectations, it does not have to be the way you are describing. We have very young children, and we have always been able to explain to them when it is an AP's "private time" or "quiet time". Our children learn that when an AP joins us for dinner, or for breakfast on the weekend, or any other time when mama and daddy are "on duty," they are not to bother the AP to help them with eating, going to the bathroom, or even playing games. Even if our APs affirmatively reach out to help with the kids during these times, or to play with the kids - we insist that they stop (obviously not creating awkward situations; some of our APs have been happy to play a little extra game with the kids at times, and seem insulted if we insist too hard that they stop).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - Thanks for all the awesome feedback!!!! So what I'm thinking is that we will ask her to have dinner with us Monday to Thursday and pay her until 7:00 p.m. We usually sit down to dinner at 5:30-6:00 on a week night. (So she'll be working 7:30-9:30 in the mornings and 3:00-7:00 in the evenings except Friday, when we'll pay her until 6:00 and let her decide if she wants to join us for dinner.) Does that seem fair?

OP, that seems fine (only 30 hours total, so actually a lot fewer than the 45 you technically pay for). Many APs would really like this schedule because they have all day off and don't have the kids for a whole day straight. Just make sure any potential candidates know that schedule before matching. And 7 is early enough that she can still go out after dinner with friends.

Be very very clear on what you want her to do be doing when you are home cooking dinner and she is still on duty. We've had two APs and neither was great at working with me when I was home. I would explain, for example, that I wanted her to play with the kids while I cook. Our current AP still just stands there until I explicitly tell her to do something even after we've talked about what her function is when she's assisting me. Honestly, I've just stopped scheduling we to help me because its more annoying than helpful. You want to make sure you get a confident helpful au pair who won't feel badly about jumping in when you're there too.

You seem to be oblivious to the obvious. Most children aren't going to keeping playing with the au pair, after they've waited all day the see their parents.

Why do you feel the need to be so rude when you have a point to share? Why can't you just say "OP, another thing to think about is that your kids might not want to play with their au pair when you're home."? OP, this poster, although rude, is correct. I'm the PP she's quoting and another issue is that the kids would prefer to hang out with me when I get home (and honestly I'd prefer to hang out with them too), so that was another challenge with having our au pair help with the kids while I was making dinner. Something to consider and address with your au pair (and kids) too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - Thanks for all the awesome feedback!!!! So what I'm thinking is that we will ask her to have dinner with us Monday to Thursday and pay her until 7:00 p.m. We usually sit down to dinner at 5:30-6:00 on a week night. (So she'll be working 7:30-9:30 in the mornings and 3:00-7:00 in the evenings except Friday, when we'll pay her until 6:00 and let her decide if she wants to join us for dinner.) Does that seem fair?

OP, that seems fine (only 30 hours total, so actually a lot fewer than the 45 you technically pay for). Many APs would really like this schedule because they have all day off and don't have the kids for a whole day straight. Just make sure any potential candidates know that schedule before matching. And 7 is early enough that she can still go out after dinner with friends.

Be very very clear on what you want her to do be doing when you are home cooking dinner and she is still on duty. We've had two APs and neither was great at working with me when I was home. I would explain, for example, that I wanted her to play with the kids while I cook. Our current AP still just stands there until I explicitly tell her to do something even after we've talked about what her function is when she's assisting me. Honestly, I've just stopped scheduling we to help me because its more annoying than helpful. You want to make sure you get a confident helpful au pair who won't feel badly about jumping in when you're there too.

You seem to be oblivious to the obvious. Most children aren't going to keeping playing with the au pair, after they've waited all day the see their parents.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - Thanks for all the awesome feedback!!!! So what I'm thinking is that we will ask her to have dinner with us Monday to Thursday and pay her until 7:00 p.m. We usually sit down to dinner at 5:30-6:00 on a week night. (So she'll be working 7:30-9:30 in the mornings and 3:00-7:00 in the evenings except Friday, when we'll pay her until 6:00 and let her decide if she wants to join us for dinner.) Does that seem fair?

OP, that seems fine (only 30 hours total, so actually a lot fewer than the 45 you technically pay for). Many APs would really like this schedule because they have all day off and don't have the kids for a whole day straight. Just make sure any potential candidates know that schedule before matching. And 7 is early enough that she can still go out after dinner with friends.

Be very very clear on what you want her to do be doing when you are home cooking dinner and she is still on duty. We've had two APs and neither was great at working with me when I was home. I would explain, for example, that I wanted her to play with the kids while I cook. Our current AP still just stands there until I explicitly tell her to do something even after we've talked about what her function is when she's assisting me. Honestly, I've just stopped scheduling we to help me because its more annoying than helpful. You want to make sure you get a confident helpful au pair who won't feel badly about jumping in when you're there too.

How old are the children, OP?

OP here - Thanks for all the awesome feedback!!!! So what I'm thinking is that we will ask her to have dinner with us Monday to Thursday and pay her until 7:00 p.m. We usually sit down to dinner at 5:30-6:00 on a week night. (So she'll be working 7:30-9:30 in the mornings and 3:00-7:00 in the evenings except Friday, when we'll pay her until 6:00 and let her decide if she wants to join us for dinner.) Does that seem fair?