Big sister of a boy with high-functioning autism here.

1. It is possible that this mom is totally nuts, and the kid is fine, and just really needs independent play.

2. However, it is also possible that these odd behaviors are indicative of some problems and that the mom is trying to understand what is wrong, and get a diagnosis. I would not assume that if he was on the spectrum, she must have a diagnosis. At one point, experts gave my brother all kids of conflicting diagnosis. Later in life, we waited years (literally: years) to get an appointment and report from a professional.

3. If the mom thinks her child is on the spectrum, then she is no doubt aware of some issues and is probably trying to address them. The nanny should sit down with the mom and find out what the mom wants her to be doing, and how she wants problem behavior addressed. If she has suggestions, make them. Then do what is asked. It is very likely the child needs consistency from his caregivers, whether or not you agree with the tactics being employed.

4. The nanny is on the clock and should strive to do what the MB asks during the time she is working. Within reason, of course. OP, I think you need to have a talk with MB and then go forward from there. If you really disagree strongly or don't want to do this, maybe the position isn't right for you. (Or maybe MB is a lunatic. But it's not your place to decide that, so...)

Why doesn't the child have a playmate to play with?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quick post from phone details:

-Pt nanny of 7 yr old from 2:30-7
-In grad school during the day
-at first I had been letting him play with his own toys for 30 mins or so, we'd go outside together for 30, we may do art together for a bit.
One day mb "found out" that he was reading by himself in the living room for 15 mins and sent me a long text at some ungodly hour about why he shouldn't be doing activities alone.

Is it normal for parents to need their kids engaged every waking min? I feel like at his age he should be able to do activities alone (supervised but without my involvement).

Wdyt?

Why? So you can study?

A kid that is 4-5 years old should be able to play independently for at least 30 minutes on their own, much less a 7 yr old. One of my employers actually says that she IGNORES her children at times to promote independent play. The toddler was playing by herself at an early age. The mom will play with her at times, same with other people (I do play with her when I watch her), but she actually enjoys doing many things on her own and you know that she will not be that kid that is suddenly 10 yrs old and has to have the attention of any adult around making them play with them.

My mom never played with me as a child, I played with my sister, my friends, or by myself. We would hang out as a family and do stuff, but my mom and dad did not play barbies with me. I think that the role of the nanny is to help the child grow, give some attention with play, allow them to be creative with arts and crafts, and have conversations with them about anything from butterflies to what is sand made out of. I don't think that having someone who is a permanent daily playmate for your child is going to help your child grow and learn to be independent in any kind of way. They should have other friends their own ages for playmates. A nanny's job is not to play barbies and build things out of legos all day long, it is to encourage them to come up with their own storylines for barbie and her friends, to help them decide what they would like to build and with my help possibly, create that masterpiece. Let them come up with a song and dance routine with their sibling and put on a show (where I might have a minor part in it). Also with other things like tidying up, they don't want a nanny that just picks up after their 5 and 7 yr olds, but gets the kids involved in helping out and eventually having the kids learn to do it on their own. None of this means the nanny is sitting around doing nothing, but usually helping with other stuff while also supervising. Just like a mom usually does. The nanny probably plays more with the children than the parents actually do, but that is not the point of the position.

Op here.

Reviving this thread to say that I have been with my charge full time this summer and the clingyness has not really improved but he now know who he can "play". He knows when i say to stay in the dining room and play the ipad till i get back from the bathroom, I mean it.

Still crawls all over his parents. But not my problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work with a 1 year old who is the same, but it's expected at this age. I build in excuses (like making a cup of tea or folding a load of laundry while he's awake) to not answer every demand immediately specifically because I want him to learn to be patient with me and with other people (and he is so far an only child). This is really, really important but ESPECIALLY by the elementary ages when he is going to encounter serious social disadvantages by acting that way. Schedule a chat with your MB pronto.

I also do this with the kids that seem especially needy (not willing to do anything on their own for a few minutes). I will agree to play legos or whatever, and start to build something, or pick characters to play and then say I need to get up to check on their sibling, or check older sibling's homework. Or I will go into the kitchen and see what they have to decide what to make for dinner. I will take a break telling them I will be right back, and wash a couple of dishes that need to be cleaned, clear the sink out for when I do need to cook dinner, etc. I will only go for a few minutes, but it gets them used to playing on their own and when they are noticing that I am still gone, then I am already on my way back. With siblings, they don't always want to do the same things, and so it is good to go back and forth between them. Sometimes they really get into playing and are good on their own and so I will let them play for like 15 minutes.

There are times it can be quite frustrating playing with kids ages 5-7. They really want to play Lego Star Wars maybe, you pick out characters to play etc and then they have this "plot" that they want to play. Anything you do they might say is wrong, or they might always decide to do the same thing to your characters, going so far as them taking yours apart (oh no, he lost his head!) or just taking it away so he can play for you. In these cases, you can't really play with them. Everything you do is NOT what they want and they will find any way to get your characters to do what they have planned/they want. It is best to walk out for a few minutes with an excuse, let them go ahead and behead your character and have the dinosaur eat it, and come back with they are willing to accept what you are making your character do.

Haha, ITA. Ugh, I hate the "ok and now say...xyz...No, not that way!! THIS way!"

Anonymous wrote:I work with a 1 year old who is the same, but it's expected at this age. I build in excuses (like making a cup of tea or folding a load of laundry while he's awake) to not answer every demand immediately specifically because I want him to learn to be patient with me and with other people (and he is so far an only child). This is really, really important but ESPECIALLY by the elementary ages when he is going to encounter serious social disadvantages by acting that way. Schedule a chat with your MB pronto.

I also do this with the kids that seem especially needy (not willing to do anything on their own for a few minutes). I will agree to play legos or whatever, and start to build something, or pick characters to play and then say I need to get up to check on their sibling, or check older sibling's homework. Or I will go into the kitchen and see what they have to decide what to make for dinner. I will take a break telling them I will be right back, and wash a couple of dishes that need to be cleaned, clear the sink out for when I do need to cook dinner, etc. I will only go for a few minutes, but it gets them used to playing on their own and when they are noticing that I am still gone, then I am already on my way back. With siblings, they don't always want to do the same things, and so it is good to go back and forth between them. Sometimes they really get into playing and are good on their own and so I will let them play for like 15 minutes.

There are times it can be quite frustrating playing with kids ages 5-7. They really want to play Lego Star Wars maybe, you pick out characters to play etc and then they have this "plot" that they want to play. Anything you do they might say is wrong, or they might always decide to do the same thing to your characters, going so far as them taking yours apart (oh no, he lost his head!) or just taking it away so he can play for you. In these cases, you can't really play with them. Everything you do is NOT what they want and they will find any way to get your characters to do what they have planned/they want. It is best to walk out for a few minutes with an excuse, let them go ahead and behead your character and have the dinosaur eat it, and come back with they are willing to accept what you are making your character do.

Anonymous wrote:WHAT IS IT WITH ALL YOU SUPPOSED "CHILD CARE EXPERTS" WHO CALL YOURSELVES NANNIES?? This child is clearly mentally disabled and the mother is in denial. I have a sibling with autism and a special needs son. That this nanny is "annoyed" by her disabled charge and that other nannies support her whining and can't discern from her description that the child is clearly on the spectrum, is nauseating but typical of the defensive and entitled nannies who populate this site. OP you need to talk to the mom and explain you are not qualified to take care of a child with special needs and get another job.

Completely agree, except the mother does not seem to be in denial; she thinks her child is on the spectrum but has not yet received a diagnosis. Nannies, please recognize the limits of your experience and expertise and stop encouraging each other in this obnoxious race to the bottom of unprofessionalism. None of you are qualified to diagnose the presence or absence of special needs in a child, unless perhaps you have a medical degree or doctorate and are GROSSLY underemployed. OP, you sound like a reasonable person. Caring for a special needs child can be grueling, and there is no shame in deciding it is not something you can or want to handle on a daily basis. And there is nothing wrong with checking in here to see if others have been in your situation. But some of you other posters--calling the mom a "crazy" "helicopter parent" who is raising a "brat" and "causing her child's mental illness" makes you all sound incredibly ignorant.

Anonymous wrote:^^pp from above. I wanted to add if he did have some type of delay or special needs his school would have recognized it early on and requested he be evaluated. If after evaluation it was found he was then they would set up an IP plan to him help through all his schooling.

For some sick reason their are many parents out there that see having a child on the spectrum as some sort of social status thing.. "Your kid has apergers ? Oh mind does too! Live is so hard, we are dong out best blah blah"


From what you described he sounds like a 7yr old who associates you more as a friend rather than an adult so heis treating you like you are.

Okay brilliant nanny who does not know the difference between "their" and "there," what makes you think the mom that you are so quick to call crazy isn't trying everything she can think of to get a proper diagnosis? The kid may or may not be on the spectrum, and he may or may not have some other emotional or behavioral disability that is harder to diagnose. Everyone know about autism and asperger's these days, so the names get tossed around rather freely. But my guess is that there is something wrong with the child, the mother knows it, and the experts just haven't figured it out yet because he does not fit the typical profile for any specific disorder. Sadly, this is a very common scenario in special needs.

Anonymous wrote:Helicopter parent wants a helicopter nanny. Don't they know that actually causes mental illness in a child?

Says the nanny with zero knowledge of the matter. Get real.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate to say it OP, but some kids just like having the nanny there to play with. Is he an only child? I noticed the kids that are only children want a lot more interaction from you. It's part of your job whether you like it or not.

That being said, my charge the other day asked if I wanted to play "kitties", basically, pretend to be a cat. It's cute, but I felt ridiculous crawling around on the floor pretending to be a cat.

This is a side-note, but I'm just reading a book on play and raising kids. Your being willing to crawl around on the floor and imagine with your charge is HUGE in your charge's development, even if you feel ridiculous. Do it.

So true. I can still remember from 20+ years ago the babysitters that would really get down and play with me. I don't remember the others at all.

I'm that PP. Thanks for mentioning that! I actually had no idea, could you share the book or even summarize the ideology behind it? I'd be interested. Thanks! It might lessen the feeling of ridiculousness after all that mewing and pretending licking of my "paws" ...

Anonymous wrote:op again, i forgot to type that his parents let him do all these things. At no point do they say "timmy, stop, let mommy use the toilet for 2 mins then ill come play with you".

That is usually the case.

op again, i forgot to type that his parents let him do all these things. At no point do they say "timmy, stop, let mommy use the toilet for 2 mins then ill come play with you".