I’d tell the au pair that if she wants tranquil dinners like she had back home, she is free to go back home. I would be that blunt and that direct.
I assume that you and your husband argue appropriately, we had a live-in nanny when I was growing up, and my dad hated it because as he told me “You live like the President, someone outside the family knows everything about you, how you and your spouse are getting along, (both good and bad), what you discuss with your children, what your children discuss with you, what makes you happy, what doesn’t, and that these nannies/au pairs are too young to keep their opinions to themselves. They are teenagers in terms of outlook and just know they have all the answers.
You shouldn’t have to feel this way in your own home. You literally live there.
I’d also like to know what’s lovely about this au pair. She is stressed by life with children and can’t seem to deal with routine parental discussions. I’m not a fan of low-level moodiness, and that alone would cause me to send her packing. My rationale is that I’ve never met anybody who is moody who is healthy, either physically or mentally. They may become healthy in time, but right now they are not. I wouldn’t want someone around my children who is moody. By moody, I assume you don’t mean appropriate emotions of sadness, anger or frustration, I am thinking the low-level, how dare you tell me a joke, or tell me anything you saw that made you happy, I’m pissed at the world and don’t have the desire to even try to be nice.

In all seriousness, mention to the au pair program that you suspect mental health issues. They need to care about that, and a lot of people go into the au pair program with undisclosed or undiagnosed mental health problems. Legitimate cultural difference make it very difficult to know what is normal v. what isn’t.

One of the best tips I ever got when I had kids was to find childcare providers who’s culture was one I was familiar with. It doesn’t have to be my own culture, but it does need to be one where I can spot red flags should that be necessary. Your first job as a mother is to protect your children both physically and emotionally, your second is to protect your husband physically and emotionally, the au pair’s comfort is way down on the list especially when she chose to work as an au pair and has the choice to leave. No way would I accommodate this au pair based on what you’ve written.

Some of the attitudes here are exactly why Massachusetts just decided that APs need to be paid minimum wage. I was a nanny for several years, and as a parent I've used day cares, preschools, nannies, and now an AP. all of them required some level of accommodation on my part. For those who lived with me, the transition period was long and required a lot of effort on my part because as the employer, there is an onus on my part to try and get communications lines clear. My last nanny was 10 years older than me and had no problem making herself understood even though we communicated in my language and not hers. My 20 YO AP is much less confident in English and much less willing to make her needs known, so yes I need to make much more of an effort to draw out her needs.

OP, is it possible for you to schedule a time to check-in every week, just for 10-15 minutes? I doubt you can do much to change child-driven chaos in the evenings and she needs to understand that that is just life, as are every day disagreements between family members. But you and your husband might consider what and how you are arguing...nobody likes it when their bosses disagree, and it probably puts her in an uncomfortable position when she might agree with one or the other of you but not be able to say so. If dinner time is part of her hours, she should get some say in the decision making process. If dinner time is not part of her work day, then propose that a few nights a week she go out with other AP friends who may be free in the evening, or take an evening class. You shouldn't need to walk on eggshells with her, but it seems like she feels the same need with you, so it's probably time to have a frank discussion about each of your needs and if you don't think it's possible for each of you to reach a place where you can be confident in each other, then it's time to initiate a rematch.

(And yes for those about to talk about how hard your lives are...I'm a single parent, have animals, high stress job with long hours...yadda yadda. I've also been in high pressure leadership roles since my early 20s. You can do all of those things and still be a good boss. The ability to retain your humanity and humility is, in fact, what makes you a good boss...or a bad one when you lose those.)

Anonymous wrote:DC is not really a party town. Where are they partying until 5 exactly?

My question as well. Especially since last call is 2/3am, with most places calling at 230 on a weekend.

Anonymous wrote:DC is not really a party town. Where are they partying until 5 exactly?

It is a party town if you are into parties! When I was younger, my friends will part till 5 am, I was usually done by 1 am and ready to go home when other people where just starting their night lol

DC is not really a party town. Where are they partying until 5 exactly?

Come on we all know the AP's want to go to DC and party until 5am, that's why they're here. The better ones are able to do their jobs, but they're all here to party and (depending on the country) find a US guy in his 20s.

HF's get an au pair to make life easier. OP's au pair ... isn't.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, and I meant to say that that’s not to imply I think host parents don’t have ANY responsibility to provide a good experience for the au pair. HPs need to make a reasonable effort to have some compassion, make them feel welcome and include them in some “fun” activities. Just don’t expect that to happen after work if you’ve decided to join a family that, you know, works.

+1. This is not a trip to Disney Land. You are here to work.

And what is the family here to do? Are you saying that au pairs are like migrant workers here to pick strawberries and then go home?

Ah the disgruntled one is back. Are you really comparing the AP life to picking strawberries? In reality for many APs its more like a vacation -- those were my just-departed APs words now that she's back at home and having to work a full-time "real" job.

But we invite APs most places we go: movies, museums, fun restaurants, etc. And in their first few weeks in the country we go out of the way to do those things with them. After that, for the most part we have to go back to our normal busy lives -- soccer games, grocery shopping, errands -- busy lives are one reason we have an AP in the first place. By the way our APs are also invited to do those things with us ...they rarely do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, and I meant to say that that’s not to imply I think host parents don’t have ANY responsibility to provide a good experience for the au pair. HPs need to make a reasonable effort to have some compassion, make them feel welcome and include them in some “fun” activities. Just don’t expect that to happen after work if you’ve decided to join a family that, you know, works.

+1. This is not a trip to Disney Land. You are here to work.

And what is the family here to do? Are you saying that au pairs are like migrant workers here to pick strawberries and then go home?

No, there is quite a range between migrant workers picking strawberries and Disneyland. Some APs think it's supposed to be 100% fun Some HFs think it's just cheap labor. I vote for following house rules and doing your best with the kids, provided it is in line with program requirements. HFs can help make suggestions, suggest fun activities, etc, but we can't candy coat our real lives as they would do in Disney

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, and I meant to say that that’s not to imply I think host parents don’t have ANY responsibility to provide a good experience for the au pair. HPs need to make a reasonable effort to have some compassion, make them feel welcome and include them in some “fun” activities. Just don’t expect that to happen after work if you’ve decided to join a family that, you know, works.

+1. This is not a trip to Disney Land. You are here to work.

And what is the family here to do? Are you saying that au pairs are like migrant workers here to pick strawberries and then go home?

Anonymous wrote:Oh, and I meant to say that that’s not to imply I think host parents don’t have ANY responsibility to provide a good experience for the au pair. HPs need to make a reasonable effort to have some compassion, make them feel welcome and include them in some “fun” activities. Just don’t expect that to happen after work if you’ve decided to join a family that, you know, works.

+1. This is not a trip to Disney Land. You are here to work.

Oh, and I meant to say that that’s not to imply I think host parents don’t have ANY responsibility to provide a good experience for the au pair. HPs need to make a reasonable effort to have some compassion, make them feel welcome and include them in some “fun” activities. Just don’t expect that to happen after work if you’ve decided to join a family that, you know, works.

Maybe I’m just a cynic but I think part of “cultural exchange” means, you know, embracing the actual culture you are immersed in. Which, truthfully, in the US typically means 2 working parents stressed by the pressures of unforgiving jobs and competitive parenting culture and very little social safety net to soften the impacts of these things. Which in most households means that the hours of, like, 5-8pm Monday-Friday are pretty stressful. Like it or not, that’s just part of the “culture” here.
It also means that I’m providing my au pair with a home base and free room and board for HER to explore the United States.

“Cultural exchange” does not have to mean the family has to stop living their normal lives in order to provide some magical, curated experience for their au pair.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never spoken English with an au pair so it’s not something I care about at all, but what if you told her you would put a plate to the side and encourage her to go the gym or take a walk so she could have dinner in a quieter environment and then have a cup of coffee or tea and dessert with her while she eats dinner so she’s not eating alone.

Are you insane???

Who da fuk has time to sit down and baby this girls fragile state of mind each night with tea and dessert? You're nuts. I get home at 530, scramble to make dinner, nag everyone to help me clean up, go over the kids homework with them, see what they are struggling with, try to bond with my 13yr old, corral everyone to brush their teeth, both boys still love me to lay in bed and talk to them and then flop into bed. Nowhere in there is time for my husband let alone some freaking tea and crumpets with Miss Cranky pants.

This x1million.

The above suggestion is just idiotic.

100% agreed. As a working mom of three kids, two dogs, and a husband who travels for work, i don’t have time to baby a woman-child with special tea parties in the evenings, and demands for special accommodations and eating times. Eat with us or find another time for yourself, but you’re still scheduled to help if your hours include dinner. I am too busy dealing with making dinner, homework help, cleaning up, for au pair tea parties, and my own work. I would much rather spend that quality time having a special tea and dessert party with my tween daughter, not indulging the woman hired to help me!

True- but she is not an indentured servant "hired to help you" - she is on a cultural exchange. How are you fulfilling your part of the exchange, Petunia Dursley?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never spoken English with an au pair so it’s not something I care about at all, but what if you told her you would put a plate to the side and encourage her to go the gym or take a walk so she could have dinner in a quieter environment and then have a cup of coffee or tea and dessert with her while she eats dinner so she’s not eating alone.

Are you insane???

Who da fuk has time to sit down and baby this girls fragile state of mind each night with tea and dessert? You're nuts. I get home at 530, scramble to make dinner, nag everyone to help me clean up, go over the kids homework with them, see what they are struggling with, try to bond with my 13yr old, corral everyone to brush their teeth, both boys still love me to lay in bed and talk to them and then flop into bed. Nowhere in there is time for my husband let alone some freaking tea and crumpets with Miss Cranky pants.

+100 Must be the same people who take their au pair everywhere with them for the first 6 weeks.

I’m a widow with a toddler who goes to bed early, so it’s not a big deal for me to make sure my au pair has a good meal and conversation (if she wants it). She’s a bit of a homebody, but with much encouragement she’s making her way out and meeting people. I look at my au pair like that look at my niece. If my niece were doing a year in DC, I would try to make sure she had a safe and successful experience in a big city. I don’t treat my au pair as if she were Anne of Green Gables straight from the asylum in Halifax for the sole purpose of saving my twins from the croup, but to each to her own.

Sorry for your loss. But with all due respect, your situation is probably not the norm for most of us families with multiple kids. We need help managing and controlling the chaos and that is the APs job. She doesn’t have to eat with us all the time, but if her schedule is from 4-8pm, and that includes dinner and bed time, and that schedule was discussed prior to matching, Then you can darn well bet I expect her to suck up the family chaos and bickering and help out and do her job. She can eat if she wants. Or she can watch and bring the kids milk if they ask, and help do their dishes afterward, or accompany them to the bathroom which they usually need to do in the middle of dinner.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never spoken English with an au pair so it’s not something I care about at all, but what if you told her you would put a plate to the side and encourage her to go the gym or take a walk so she could have dinner in a quieter environment and then have a cup of coffee or tea and dessert with her while she eats dinner so she’s not eating alone.

Are you insane???

Who da fuk has time to sit down and baby this girls fragile state of mind each night with tea and dessert? You're nuts. I get home at 530, scramble to make dinner, nag everyone to help me clean up, go over the kids homework with them, see what they are struggling with, try to bond with my 13yr old, corral everyone to brush their teeth, both boys still love me to lay in bed and talk to them and then flop into bed. Nowhere in there is time for my husband let alone some freaking tea and crumpets with Miss Cranky pants.

This x1million.

The above suggestion is just idiotic.

100% agreed. As a working mom of three kids, two dogs, and a husband who travels for work, i don’t have time to baby a woman-child with special tea parties in the evenings, and demands for special accommodations and eating times. Eat with us or find another time for yourself, but you’re still scheduled to help if your hours include dinner. I am too busy dealing with making dinner, homework help, cleaning up, for au pair tea parties, and my own work. I would much rather spend that quality time having a special tea and dessert party with my tween daughter, not indulging the woman hired to help me!