We rematched with someone OOC, so we have a bit of a wait, and the agency is requiring that she stay and work with us for two weeks mostly because we need the care (there was talk of them providing us with a transitional au pair (assuming not available because they didn’t follow up), which we have tried to make as nice as possible, but she says she feels like she’s been forced to stay against her will (she has friends working in the country illegally and she says she could stay with them and make a lot more money). She also says that the agency is looking for a new family for her, but they have said to me that they will not be able to find her a new family, because of the smoking, and she’s going home.

At the end of our handbook, I added a one page "MOST IMPORTANT THINGS" list that lays our in very simple language our "deal breakers" including smoking, driving while texting or after drinking etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a lot of guilt in sending an au pair home, even if she is the one who initiated it, and even when it clearly was not working out for either of you. Your AP took the initiative to end this match. She doesn’t belong in the program if she’s lying on her application about smoking. You were dragging your feet, knowing what you should do (rematch), but didn’t do it. If you continue with this program, I hope you understand that you need to set and enforce the household rules, especially for the safety and well being of your child.
By sending this AP home, you will have taught her an important lesson about responsibility and honesty, and consequences.

How would you recommend setting and enforcing house rules? No -snark, sincerely looking for tips. This was our first au pair. We went over her application forms with her and asked questions. We gave her a handbook before matching and she read it and said she didn't have questions. Went back over it, and there were other things that she didn't always comply with, but we didn't call her out for. We interviewed her in her native language and in English. We went over the handbook in her native language and in English.

Luck. You got a liar. Most of us just get APs that aren’t the smartest and usually lack common sense, but they’re not willful liars.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a lot of guilt in sending an au pair home, even if she is the one who initiated it, and even when it clearly was not working out for either of you. Your AP took the initiative to end this match. She doesn’t belong in the program if she’s lying on her application about smoking. You were dragging your feet, knowing what you should do (rematch), but didn’t do it. If you continue with this program, I hope you understand that you need to set and enforce the household rules, especially for the safety and well being of your child.
By sending this AP home, you will have taught her an important lesson about responsibility and honesty, and consequences.

How would you recommend setting and enforcing house rules? No -snark, sincerely looking for tips. This was our first au pair. We went over her application forms with her and asked questions. We gave her a handbook before matching and she read it and said she didn't have questions. Went back over it, and there were other things that she didn't always comply with, but we didn't call her out for. We interviewed her in her native language and in English. We went over the handbook in her native language and in English.

Some families have their APs sign important parts of the handbook so they can't later say they didn't read it. We have a line in our handbook saying that while we understand the Ap will make lots of mistakes, there are things that would result in immediate rematch, including smoking.

Anonymous wrote:There is a lot of guilt in sending an au pair home, even if she is the one who initiated it, and even when it clearly was not working out for either of you. Your AP took the initiative to end this match. She doesn’t belong in the program if she’s lying on her application about smoking. You were dragging your feet, knowing what you should do (rematch), but didn’t do it. If you continue with this program, I hope you understand that you need to set and enforce the household rules, especially for the safety and well being of your child.
By sending this AP home, you will have taught her an important lesson about responsibility and honesty, and consequences.

How would you recommend setting and enforcing house rules? No -snark, sincerely looking for tips. This was our first au pair. We went over her application forms with her and asked questions. We gave her a handbook before matching and she read it and said she didn't have questions. Went back over it, and there were other things that she didn't always comply with, but we didn't call her out for. We interviewed her in her native language and in English. We went over the handbook in her native language and in English.

Anonymous wrote:OK. We did and they told us that she won't be re-matched because she lied on the paperwork and most Americans are fanatics about smoking, which is not what we wanted, so now we feel bad. This has been a real learning experience, for sure. It's kind of like getting your heart broken for the first time. You never love that way again. You were all correct when you said we should have raised with LCC in beginning. We just wanted it to work out so badly, that we pushed down the signs. No pun intended, but feel very "burned" by this experience.

Don't feel bad. There are consequences for lying and breaking trust.

Anonymous wrote:She has no integrity or ethics, so bye.

However I'm the Chief Ethic Officer at my company and I don't play. When someone has an integrity problem in one aspect of their life, you can bet it permeates all aspects.

Don't you think we are all human and fallible though? Are we expecting au pairs to have adult mindsets in their 20s that we likely did not have in our 20s? Or is your perspective true, but being an au pair is not a right (just like a job at your company is not a right?)

Anonymous wrote:OK. We did and they told us that she won't be re-matched because she lied on the paperwork and most Americans are fanatics about smoking, which is not what we wanted, so now we feel bad. This has been a real learning experience, for sure. It's kind of like getting your heart broken for the first time. You never love that way again. You were all correct when you said we should have raised with LCC in beginning. We just wanted it to work out so badly, that we pushed down the signs. No pun intended, but feel very "burned" by this experience.

She learned a life lesson. You did the right thing. She only has the mirror to look in for blame.

She has no integrity or ethics, so bye.

However I'm the Chief Ethic Officer at my company and I don't play. When someone has an integrity problem in one aspect of their life, you can bet it permeates all aspects.

There is a lot of guilt in sending an au pair home, even if she is the one who initiated it, and even when it clearly was not working out for either of you. Your AP took the initiative to end this match. She doesn’t belong in the program if she’s lying on her application about smoking. You were dragging your feet, knowing what you should do (rematch), but didn’t do it. If you continue with this program, I hope you understand that you need to set and enforce the household rules, especially for the safety and well being of your child.
By sending this AP home, you will have taught her an important lesson about responsibility and honesty, and consequences.

It’s hard to explain. I think I would never in my 20s have behaved that way, but I also could never have become an au pair - it’s a very brave act to leave your whole life and move in with a strange family. She’s also at her core a good person - and good people can make mistakes, even big ones. There are cultural ties also with her home country, so we really wanted it to work out. And when you care about people, you want them to be happy. Very few people are all good or all bad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK. We did and they told us that she won't be re-matched because she lied on the paperwork and most Americans are fanatics about smoking, which is not what we wanted, so now we feel bad. This has been a real learning experience, for sure. It's kind of like getting your heart broken for the first time. You never love that way again. You were all correct when you said we should have raised with LCC in beginning. We just wanted it to work out so badly, that we pushed down the signs. No pun intended, but feel very "burned" by this experience.

No need to feel bad. She lied and was willing to ditch your family for warmer weather. She broke the rules, her contract, and violated your trust. Wish her well and hope for a better person next time. Don't give up on APs; they are not all like this.

This. Why do you feel badly about the AP who lied to you, damaged your home, and possibly endangered your baby that gets to go HOME? It’s not like she’s going to jail for reckless endangerment of your child or arson after burning down your house. Plus she was ready to abandon you for “warmer weather”?

She’s getting a minimum of what she deserves.

Anonymous wrote:OK. We did and they told us that she won't be re-matched because she lied on the paperwork and most Americans are fanatics about smoking, which is not what we wanted, so now we feel bad. This has been a real learning experience, for sure. It's kind of like getting your heart broken for the first time. You never love that way again. You were all correct when you said we should have raised with LCC in beginning. We just wanted it to work out so badly, that we pushed down the signs. No pun intended, but feel very "burned" by this experience.

No need to feel bad. She lied and was willing to ditch your family for warmer weather. She broke the rules, her contract, and violated your trust. Wish her well and hope for a better person next time. Don't give up on APs; they are not all like this.

OK. We did and they told us that she won't be re-matched because she lied on the paperwork and most Americans are fanatics about smoking, which is not what we wanted, so now we feel bad. This has been a real learning experience, for sure. It's kind of like getting your heart broken for the first time. You never love that way again. You were all correct when you said we should have raised with LCC in beginning. We just wanted it to work out so badly, that we pushed down the signs. No pun intended, but feel very "burned" by this experience.