Anonymous
02/28/2018 20:44
Subject: Re:Grandma wants nanny to not come to work
Ask your nanny to come in, stay hidden and watch tv/ bring a book till Gma melts down and the nanny takes over. Thats what I would do personally.
Ask your nanny to start late? Gma gets some time with your daughter, you step in if you have to, knowing that the nanny will arrive at 10am and you can get back to work?
Ask your nanny to start late? Gma gets some time with your daughter, you step in if you have to, knowing that the nanny will arrive at 10am and you can get back to work?
Anonymous
02/27/2018 14:58
Subject: Grandma wants nanny to not come to work
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, we're back to the fact that your husband needs to deal with his mother.
This is the problem. As you can see on my original post:
1. MIL wants something.
2. We decline.
3. MIL throws a fit.
4. She doesn't speak to us for weeks/months.
5. FIL calls DH and say, "Somehow, you gotta call your mother."
6. DH calls.
7. They start talking again.
8. Lather. Rinse.Repeat.
So far, DH has not made it clear to his mother. Every time he has to do this, he contemplates about it for days. He's only really ever put his foot down once. The rest of the time, he does nothing, waits for things to blow over, then 5 happens.
We are still on Number 4. I anticipate 5 happening somehow soon.
THIS is why you and your husband should get into couples counseling about making agreements on how to handle his mother, how to help him be strong with his mother, how to set boundaries, etc. It might actually start as couples counseling and then end up with only him seeing the therapist to learn how to set boundaries.
BUT.... his mother will have a fit, temper tantrum and not call. That's guaranteed. You will NOT change her.
I think, honestly, you just do what you do, knowing that there will be a blissful few months when she's not talking to you, and also knowing that all the rest will happen again, so nipping it in the bud really quickly by setting the limit again so that the blissful months of no talking come sooner than later. That is, if she starts talking to you but keeps doing stupid stuff like all of the above, you set the limit within a few weeks rather than letting it fester for months. That way the "no talking" part gets to start really soon.
And I'd be really honest ' Mom/MIL, the last time I gave the nanny the week off, you didn't take care of baby and I ahd to work all week. So we're never doing that again. You will just have to visit knowing that the nanny will be here her regular hours, from 9-3pm. You are welcome to leave during those hours and then return when the nanny is gone to spend time with the baby. Or, you are welcome to play with baby while nanny is here, but that gives you the flexibility to not have to be doing all the caretaking - you know how much work babies are! And then you just do what you do. And enjoy the "no talking months".
Anonymous
02/27/2018 00:07
Subject: Grandma wants nanny to not come to work
Anonymous wrote:I couldn't read all the letter because I think the person who wrote it is an ass. Why would you let someone come into your house and tell you how to run your business mother, father or whomever? If you have to listen to this person give them the job and forget about a nanny in the first place. This grandmother needs to go and have coffee, lunch and dinner with her friends and let you run your home as you see fit.
We did give her the job when she came here, but she dropped DD like a hot potato when she was in distress. We couldn't have foreseen that coming, but now that we know, we're trying to make better decisions - which apparently has driven MIL all the more crazy.
Anonymous
02/27/2018 00:04
Subject: Re:Grandma wants nanny to not come to work
Anonymous wrote:Wow op, I thought I had a difficult MIL but yours makes mine look like a saint!
Is your 1 year old her first grandchild? My MIL was pretty much like this with her first. With each subsequent grandchild, she got a little less demanding/emotional. Lucky for us, my BIL and SIL broke her in! I remember her always being in tears over something or other with my BIL- Jealous of her DIL’s Mom because she thought she got more quality time, and just complaining that her DIL was depriving them of grandparent time, or because they wouldn’t pick up a FaceTime call once, or because DIL insisted on breastfeeding so that she couldn’t bottle feed the baby herself.
I had issues with her too in the beginning with my first, but not nearly as bad. By that time, she had chilled out a lot. But your story of your MIL reminded me so much of when I had first started working from home after my first was born (DD was 6 weeks). She wanted to babysit but then ignored any of my advice about how she needs naps, quiet time, and then blamed my child’s crying on the fact that I spoil her too much and now DD was being manipulative by crying for me. At 6 weeks. I told her DD was expressing her needs, not being manipulative. I didn’t have her babysit again for me after that until much much later (when DD was able to talk). I made sure her visits were always on the weekends when we were all home, and especially DH was home, so that he could handle her.
They are actually pretty good now. And MIL is just much better with young kids rather than babies. She honestly didn’t know what to do with a baby. So there may still be hope for you.
Yes, this is her first grandchild. In the past, she has always said "being a grandmother has been a lifelong dream of hers." I don't think DH's sister is going to have kids any time soon. She's not even really seeing anyone at the moment. So it's still quite impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't even think there's any.
Anonymous
02/27/2018 00:03
Subject: Grandma wants nanny to not come to work
Anonymous wrote:OP, it occurs to me that the list you made of how this plays out applies to you and your DH, too.
You complain to him, he does something about it, he gives in to his mom, you let it go, you get resentful, rinse and repeat.
You really have to stop allowing him to decide whether or not anything changes. You change. Yes, it's demoralizing, but has there ever been a world in which wishing people were different made them so? You have an annoying, difficult MIL. You've done what you can to get her to change. Now all that's left is that you do.
Yes, this is actually true. Thanks for enlightening me.
I just wanted to post an update.
Just wanted to post an update.
So DH texted his mother, but really only because she texted first and FIL had called DH. I honestly don't want to read her messages anymore because it stresses me out. But she basically said "we (her and FIL) are not coming as long as the nanny is there. We now know where your priorities lie. You're being crazy. What the hell is wrong with you."
So the issue sprung from her being upset over us not wanting her to visit March and May. Now she's also mad about the nanny being around when she is (she's been mad about this since the last time, but this wasn't the reason for the current argument.)
DH replied how we had them here the last time, but had a bad experience and this is the reason why we want the nanny around. MIL then replied that she will never in her life forgive DH for this. FIL said MIL has been crying because in her eyes, we basically said "she is not a fit grandmother to watch over her grandchild."
I don't think she realizes that our decisions are based on past experience. We did not fabricate this story. Sigh, you just cannot reason with this woman.
Also, this weekend, FIL has been pleading for DD to FaceTime his mother so she can see DD.
Anonymous
02/25/2018 14:55
Subject: Re:Grandma wants nanny to not come to work
Wow op, I thought I had a difficult MIL but yours makes mine look like a saint!
Is your 1 year old her first grandchild? My MIL was pretty much like this with her first. With each subsequent grandchild, she got a little less demanding/emotional. Lucky for us, my BIL and SIL broke her in! I remember her always being in tears over something or other with my BIL- Jealous of her DIL’s Mom because she thought she got more quality time, and just complaining that her DIL was depriving them of grandparent time, or because they wouldn’t pick up a FaceTime call once, or because DIL insisted on breastfeeding so that she couldn’t bottle feed the baby herself.
I had issues with her too in the beginning with my first, but not nearly as bad. By that time, she had chilled out a lot. But your story of your MIL reminded me so much of when I had first started working from home after my first was born (DD was 6 weeks). She wanted to babysit but then ignored any of my advice about how she needs naps, quiet time, and then blamed my child’s crying on the fact that I spoil her too much and now DD was being manipulative by crying for me. At 6 weeks. I told her DD was expressing her needs, not being manipulative. I didn’t have her babysit again for me after that until much much later (when DD was able to talk). I made sure her visits were always on the weekends when we were all home, and especially DH was home, so that he could handle her.
They are actually pretty good now. And MIL is just much better with young kids rather than babies. She honestly didn’t know what to do with a baby. So there may still be hope for you.
Is your 1 year old her first grandchild? My MIL was pretty much like this with her first. With each subsequent grandchild, she got a little less demanding/emotional. Lucky for us, my BIL and SIL broke her in! I remember her always being in tears over something or other with my BIL- Jealous of her DIL’s Mom because she thought she got more quality time, and just complaining that her DIL was depriving them of grandparent time, or because they wouldn’t pick up a FaceTime call once, or because DIL insisted on breastfeeding so that she couldn’t bottle feed the baby herself.
I had issues with her too in the beginning with my first, but not nearly as bad. By that time, she had chilled out a lot. But your story of your MIL reminded me so much of when I had first started working from home after my first was born (DD was 6 weeks). She wanted to babysit but then ignored any of my advice about how she needs naps, quiet time, and then blamed my child’s crying on the fact that I spoil her too much and now DD was being manipulative by crying for me. At 6 weeks. I told her DD was expressing her needs, not being manipulative. I didn’t have her babysit again for me after that until much much later (when DD was able to talk). I made sure her visits were always on the weekends when we were all home, and especially DH was home, so that he could handle her.
They are actually pretty good now. And MIL is just much better with young kids rather than babies. She honestly didn’t know what to do with a baby. So there may still be hope for you.
Anonymous
02/25/2018 14:21
Subject: Grandma wants nanny to not come to work
OP, it occurs to me that the list you made of how this plays out applies to you and your DH, too.
You complain to him, he does something about it, he gives in to his mom, you let it go, you get resentful, rinse and repeat.
You really have to stop allowing him to decide whether or not anything changes. You change. Yes, it's demoralizing, but has there ever been a world in which wishing people were different made them so? You have an annoying, difficult MIL. You've done what you can to get her to change. Now all that's left is that you do.
You complain to him, he does something about it, he gives in to his mom, you let it go, you get resentful, rinse and repeat.
You really have to stop allowing him to decide whether or not anything changes. You change. Yes, it's demoralizing, but has there ever been a world in which wishing people were different made them so? You have an annoying, difficult MIL. You've done what you can to get her to change. Now all that's left is that you do.
Anonymous
02/25/2018 13:44
Subject: Grandma wants nanny to not come to work
I couldn't read all the letter because I think the person who wrote it is an ass. Why would you let someone come into your house and tell you how to run your business mother, father or whomever? If you have to listen to this person give them the job and forget about a nanny in the first place. This grandmother needs to go and have coffee, lunch and dinner with her friends and let you run your home as you see fit.
Anonymous
02/22/2018 23:04
Subject: Re:Grandma wants nanny to not come to work
I am sorry, OP. Your MIL is a nightmare.
Anonymous
02/22/2018 17:08
Subject: Grandma wants nanny to not come to work
Anonymous wrote:Op, the dynamic is really common. Your child is more comfortable with the nanny, who watches her every day for hours on end. Of course she is going to freak out with Grandma, and of course Grandma is going to feel hurt and rejected. Everyone, including the nanny, is being set up to fail here. You cannot just drop child in Grandma's arms and say "here" . You have to ease everyone into this.
If the nanny doesn't come on Fridays, schedule grandma to come on Thursday evening. Then spend Friday, Saturday, and Sunday as a family, so that your child and MIL can be more comfortable with one another.
Nanny can come Monday and Tuesday while grandma goes wine tasting. Grandma flies out Wednesday.
Facetime when it is fun and works for you both. I Facetime while driving, meaning, I give the phone to DS and hook the audio into bluetooth. I talk to my mom while DS watches the screen and sometimes chimes in. It works great!
Thank you for your suggestion, I appreciate it!
They always try to pick the most reasonably-priced flights so the days they fly in is always random. But I'll have DH handle this from now on.
It's just demotivating to even try to make things work with her. When I was pregnant, my mother brought me some dish (made from fish) from my country. She caught a whiff of it and said, "That's disgusting! What are you feeding my baby?" In another incident, I was eating some dessert made from taro. MIL randomly said, "Ewww!!! Our baby doesn't want that!"
I understand that people have different dietary preferences and I have always known that she has a lot of prejudice towards cultures she has never been exposed to. She's always been disgusted with food that's not American. While I respect other people's choices, to me, what she said implies that I am feeding my own child undesirable food all because it's unfamiliar to her. It's not even bad/unhealthy food. It's just unfamiliar to her. So apart from her flipping out when her demands aren't met, she also is prejudice and has no tact.
It's one of those things where you want the relationship to work, but you really know what kind of person they are so you feel like the only reason why you're even trying to make this work is because you really don't have much of a choice.
Anyway, thanks for your suggestions and I apologize if I sounded like I was ranting again.
Anonymous
02/22/2018 11:10
Subject: Grandma wants nanny to not come to work
Op, the dynamic is really common. Your child is more comfortable with the nanny, who watches her every day for hours on end. Of course she is going to freak out with Grandma, and of course Grandma is going to feel hurt and rejected. Everyone, including the nanny, is being set up to fail here. You cannot just drop child in Grandma's arms and say "here" . You have to ease everyone into this.
If the nanny doesn't come on Fridays, schedule grandma to come on Thursday evening. Then spend Friday, Saturday, and Sunday as a family, so that your child and MIL can be more comfortable with one another.
Nanny can come Monday and Tuesday while grandma goes wine tasting. Grandma flies out Wednesday.
Facetime when it is fun and works for you both. I Facetime while driving, meaning, I give the phone to DS and hook the audio into bluetooth. I talk to my mom while DS watches the screen and sometimes chimes in. It works great!
If the nanny doesn't come on Fridays, schedule grandma to come on Thursday evening. Then spend Friday, Saturday, and Sunday as a family, so that your child and MIL can be more comfortable with one another.
Nanny can come Monday and Tuesday while grandma goes wine tasting. Grandma flies out Wednesday.
Facetime when it is fun and works for you both. I Facetime while driving, meaning, I give the phone to DS and hook the audio into bluetooth. I talk to my mom while DS watches the screen and sometimes chimes in. It works great!