Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to ask the AP what she would most likely do during her time off during the day from Mon to Fri. If she plans to go out most every day on a regular basis (to the gym, Starbucks, see friends, day classes several times a week etc.) then, you will have a difficult time with 3 people sharing 2 cars during the weekday. If she has a split schedule but all her friends work straight through the day, she won't have friends to go and hang out with anyway. If she doesn't like going to the gym and is more a runner or cyclist who prefers the jogging or biking trails (is there one?) by your house, then she won't need a car. If she is a home body and goes into her room every chance she gets to skype with people back home, then she won't be going out much. Not every AP will desire to go out a lot and need a car with unrestricted access. However, you need to understand your AP's needs and like other PP said, she may have a personality that will be reluctant to tell you what she really wants and her unhappiness just festers until something happens that sets her off and she calls a rematch.

Bottom line is you really won't know until she gets here about what kind of activities she wants to spend her time doing. She probably doesn't have a clue either and whatever she tells you now is only what she imagines anyway. She may imagine a certain kind of life and feels it is okay to not always have access to a car until reality hits and she makes friends with others who have access to a car when she cannot or she finds something she likes to do that she did not know about before but needs a car to get to.

If unrestricted access to a car is not feasible, then at least make the car access a regular and dependable schedule so the AP can make plans and not have to check with you every time she wants to take the car out. Having the choice and ability to use or not use a car feeds into a sense of independence and contributes to happiness.

This is the best response you've gotten OP. Listen to it.

Yes I agree but this isn't new .... it is exactly the point of my post. She says she runs, reads, does crafts, etc and does not need to leave house everyday during the morning. This was discussed during the match when I explained the car situation. She says she doesn't need the car at all to be happy. But I think she may change her mind and so am planning for that to happen, as I felt she was being very agreeable but may actually want to know the car would be there for her x number of days. as you said, I feel like a schedule she can count on is best, hence my post about what would be reasonable. I do think we can find out more when she gets here - but I have to start somewhere and think it is important to spell it out in advance as much as possible. I plan to email entire handbook before she gts on plane. That was why I posted, but few people are seeming to understand that I have good intentions. We are not buying a third car that is cheap and unsafe and not able to find the $70/mo pp found on her rental . That's how it goes with anonymous message boards though people live to try to turn anything into drama or some inconsiderate situation that it isn't.

I am the previous PP. What is "reasonable" is subjective. Ask 10 people and you will get 10 different examples of what a reasonable car sharing schedule could be. Ultimately, it starts with what you can feasible offer to do in this sharing scenario without being resentful that you and your husband are bending over backwards to give this AP car access. You need to figure out your "ideal for you", "compromise that you can live with that will not be too inconvenient" and "the most you can do that will create hardship but for a rockstar AP, it is worth it". Once you know your top and bottom limits, then you can check with the AP on what she really wants (likely have to wait until she gets here since nothing is real until she is living her AP life). Then see how far the gap is between her (what she "wants and would be nice to have" versus "essential to be happy") and your family (your top and bottom limits).

Regarding the handbook, I like to send the entire handbook (minus the parts that are not relevant until AP gets here like household appliance instructions) to the AP before match. I want to avoid the AP being "surprised". I err on the side of full disclosure. Of course, some AP will agree to anything to get matched and then complain later. Cannot eliminate that risk but at least, for the AP with good intentions to find the best HF fit, it is better to be an open book before match. I also find that talking about contentious topics like car, vacation, schedule, chores, guests, food etc. on Skype or email in pieces do not yield the same level of comprehension as the AP reading the details word for word in a handbook.

Better to send that handbook sooner rather than later.

My agency said to present it within 3 days of arrival, but my plan has been to get it together and send it before she can choose not to get on the plane so things are very spelled out and in writing, beyond just the multiple emails and skype interviews. I totally agree with you that saying and having them agree in the midst of the excitement of finding a family, is not necessarily going to reflect life down the road once they arrive and start wondering what would have happened if they had held out. Maybe life on a beach seemed worth it at the time, but when reality rolls around the AP would rather be in Oklahoma on a farm and able to drive to McDonalds if she wants an egg mcmuffin between 8 and 1 pm every day. This full disclosure and very clear expectation is exactly what I'm looking for. This is why I told her the car is being shared and asked how she felt about having many daytime hours during the week with no car. She said no problem and was very convincing in that it was not a problem for her due to her interest in other hobbies and the fact that she has plenty of other time to get out.... but yet I do not want her to feel trapped in the house and miserable at any time, and feel she would be happier knowing she could count on the car on a certain schedule. She agreed to having NO car during these hours at all, but I feel that is not an option and so wanted to enter a minimum in the handbook. Yes it is a different situation for different people, (as seen on this board there are APs who never leave their room and buying a 3rd car would be a total waste) .... but the angle of my post here was to see if others out there in the situation (which my agency assured me there are many) have a schedule that has worked well and everyone was reasonably satisfied so I could benefit from their experience in this situation. I thought from their personal experience I might glean a good beginning point to enter into the handbook. I have been getting more concrete advice with less snark and general asshat behavior than most of the posts here (not yours, but obviously the suggestion that my husband is going to have sex with the AP because there are 20 hours a week where her use of the car will fluctuate makes one lose a lot of motivation to take any posts here seriously) from the LCC and other host families they put me in touch with. Their advice is to set the maximum restriction on the use of the car and then let her find it is actually available more than anticipated, so I will continue to digest all of the reasonable responses I've received and come up with something for the handbook.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to ask the AP what she would most likely do during her time off during the day from Mon to Fri. If she plans to go out most every day on a regular basis (to the gym, Starbucks, see friends, day classes several times a week etc.) then, you will have a difficult time with 3 people sharing 2 cars during the weekday. If she has a split schedule but all her friends work straight through the day, she won't have friends to go and hang out with anyway. If she doesn't like going to the gym and is more a runner or cyclist who prefers the jogging or biking trails (is there one?) by your house, then she won't need a car. If she is a home body and goes into her room every chance she gets to skype with people back home, then she won't be going out much. Not every AP will desire to go out a lot and need a car with unrestricted access. However, you need to understand your AP's needs and like other PP said, she may have a personality that will be reluctant to tell you what she really wants and her unhappiness just festers until something happens that sets her off and she calls a rematch.

Bottom line is you really won't know until she gets here about what kind of activities she wants to spend her time doing. She probably doesn't have a clue either and whatever she tells you now is only what she imagines anyway. She may imagine a certain kind of life and feels it is okay to not always have access to a car until reality hits and she makes friends with others who have access to a car when she cannot or she finds something she likes to do that she did not know about before but needs a car to get to.

If unrestricted access to a car is not feasible, then at least make the car access a regular and dependable schedule so the AP can make plans and not have to check with you every time she wants to take the car out. Having the choice and ability to use or not use a car feeds into a sense of independence and contributes to happiness.

This is the best response you've gotten OP. Listen to it.

Yes I agree but this isn't new .... it is exactly the point of my post. She says she runs, reads, does crafts, etc and does not need to leave house everyday during the morning. This was discussed during the match when I explained the car situation. She says she doesn't need the car at all to be happy. But I think she may change her mind and so am planning for that to happen, as I felt she was being very agreeable but may actually want to know the car would be there for her x number of days. as you said, I feel like a schedule she can count on is best, hence my post about what would be reasonable. I do think we can find out more when she gets here - but I have to start somewhere and think it is important to spell it out in advance as much as possible. I plan to email entire handbook before she gts on plane. That was why I posted, but few people are seeming to understand that I have good intentions. We are not buying a third car that is cheap and unsafe and not able to find the $70/mo pp found on her rental . That's how it goes with anonymous message boards though people live to try to turn anything into drama or some inconsiderate situation that it isn't.

I am the previous PP. What is "reasonable" is subjective. Ask 10 people and you will get 10 different examples of what a reasonable car sharing schedule could be. Ultimately, it starts with what you can feasible offer to do in this sharing scenario without being resentful that you and your husband are bending over backwards to give this AP car access. You need to figure out your "ideal for you", "compromise that you can live with that will not be too inconvenient" and "the most you can do that will create hardship but for a rockstar AP, it is worth it". Once you know your top and bottom limits, then you can check with the AP on what she really wants (likely have to wait until she gets here since nothing is real until she is living her AP life). Then see how far the gap is between her (what she "wants and would be nice to have" versus "essential to be happy") and your family (your top and bottom limits).

Regarding the handbook, I like to send the entire handbook (minus the parts that are not relevant until AP gets here like household appliance instructions) to the AP before match. I want to avoid the AP being "surprised". I err on the side of full disclosure. Of course, some AP will agree to anything to get matched and then complain later. Cannot eliminate that risk but at least, for the AP with good intentions to find the best HF fit, it is better to be an open book before match. I also find that talking about contentious topics like car, vacation, schedule, chores, guests, food etc. on Skype or email in pieces do not yield the same level of comprehension as the AP reading the details word for word in a handbook.

Better to send that handbook sooner rather than later.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to ask the AP what she would most likely do during her time off during the day from Mon to Fri. If she plans to go out most every day on a regular basis (to the gym, Starbucks, see friends, day classes several times a week etc.) then, you will have a difficult time with 3 people sharing 2 cars during the weekday. If she has a split schedule but all her friends work straight through the day, she won't have friends to go and hang out with anyway. If she doesn't like going to the gym and is more a runner or cyclist who prefers the jogging or biking trails (is there one?) by your house, then she won't need a car. If she is a home body and goes into her room every chance she gets to skype with people back home, then she won't be going out much. Not every AP will desire to go out a lot and need a car with unrestricted access. However, you need to understand your AP's needs and like other PP said, she may have a personality that will be reluctant to tell you what she really wants and her unhappiness just festers until something happens that sets her off and she calls a rematch.

Bottom line is you really won't know until she gets here about what kind of activities she wants to spend her time doing. She probably doesn't have a clue either and whatever she tells you now is only what she imagines anyway. She may imagine a certain kind of life and feels it is okay to not always have access to a car until reality hits and she makes friends with others who have access to a car when she cannot or she finds something she likes to do that she did not know about before but needs a car to get to.

If unrestricted access to a car is not feasible, then at least make the car access a regular and dependable schedule so the AP can make plans and not have to check with you every time she wants to take the car out. Having the choice and ability to use or not use a car feeds into a sense of independence and contributes to happiness.

This is the best response you've gotten OP. Listen to it.

Yes I agree but this isn't new .... it is exactly the point of my post. She says she runs, reads, does crafts, etc and does not need to leave house everyday during the morning. This was discussed during the match when I explained the car situation. She says she doesn't need the car at all to be happy. But I think she may change her mind and so am planning for that to happen, as I felt she was being very agreeable but may actually want to know the car would be there for her x number of days. as you said, I feel like a schedule she can count on is best, hence my post about what would be reasonable. I do think we can find out more when she gets here - but I have to start somewhere and think it is important to spell it out in advance as much as possible. I plan to email entire handbook before she gts on plane. That was why I posted, but few people are seeming to understand that I have good intentions. We are not buying a third car that is cheap and unsafe and not able to find the $70/mo pp found on her rental . That's how it goes with anonymous message boards though people live to try to turn anything into drama or some inconsiderate situation that it isn't.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to ask the AP what she would most likely do during her time off during the day from Mon to Fri. If she plans to go out most every day on a regular basis (to the gym, Starbucks, see friends, day classes several times a week etc.) then, you will have a difficult time with 3 people sharing 2 cars during the weekday. If she has a split schedule but all her friends work straight through the day, she won't have friends to go and hang out with anyway. If she doesn't like going to the gym and is more a runner or cyclist who prefers the jogging or biking trails (is there one?) by your house, then she won't need a car. If she is a home body and goes into her room every chance she gets to skype with people back home, then she won't be going out much. Not every AP will desire to go out a lot and need a car with unrestricted access. However, you need to understand your AP's needs and like other PP said, she may have a personality that will be reluctant to tell you what she really wants and her unhappiness just festers until something happens that sets her off and she calls a rematch.

Bottom line is you really won't know until she gets here about what kind of activities she wants to spend her time doing. She probably doesn't have a clue either and whatever she tells you now is only what she imagines anyway. She may imagine a certain kind of life and feels it is okay to not always have access to a car until reality hits and she makes friends with others who have access to a car when she cannot or she finds something she likes to do that she did not know about before but needs a car to get to.

If unrestricted access to a car is not feasible, then at least make the car access a regular and dependable schedule so the AP can make plans and not have to check with you every time she wants to take the car out. Having the choice and ability to use or not use a car feeds into a sense of independence and contributes to happiness.

This is the best response you've gotten OP. Listen to it.

Anonymous wrote:You need to ask the AP what she would most likely do during her time off during the day from Mon to Fri. If she plans to go out most every day on a regular basis (to the gym, Starbucks, see friends, day classes several times a week etc.) then, you will have a difficult time with 3 people sharing 2 cars during the weekday. If she has a split schedule but all her friends work straight through the day, she won't have friends to go and hang out with anyway. If she doesn't like going to the gym and is more a runner or cyclist who prefers the jogging or biking trails (is there one?) by your house, then she won't need a car. If she is a home body and goes into her room every chance she gets to skype with people back home, then she won't be going out much. Not every AP will desire to go out a lot and need a car with unrestricted access. However, you need to understand your AP's needs and like other PP said, she may have a personality that will be reluctant to tell you what she really wants and her unhappiness just festers until something happens that sets her off and she calls a rematch.

Bottom line is you really won't know until she gets here about what kind of activities she wants to spend her time doing. She probably doesn't have a clue either and whatever she tells you now is only what she imagines anyway. She may imagine a certain kind of life and feels it is okay to not always have access to a car until reality hits and she makes friends with others who have access to a car when she cannot or she finds something she likes to do that she did not know about before but needs a car to get to.

If unrestricted access to a car is not feasible, then at least make the car access a regular and dependable schedule so the AP can make plans and not have to check with you every time she wants to take the car out. Having the choice and ability to use or not use a car feeds into a sense of independence and contributes to happiness.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am one of those "actual host families" whose responses you are looking for, and I already replied that while we did this one year while my husband rode his bike to work every single day and yes it was an inconvenience but yes it was a priority so that the au pair could have a car every single day, I strongly urge you to get a third car if you don't want the inconvenience of having to share a car with your husband or pay for uber. It will make you much happier and hermuch happier. We are on our 11th year in the program, and the way we have been so happy with it so long is that we do inconvenience ourselves to make sure that she is happy, just as I am sure she is inconveniencing herself plenty to make sure we are happy.

If it were possible for my husband or I to ride a bike to work, we would. No matter how much you all are dead set on making us appear to be thinking only our own convenience, the fact still stands that I am looking for an arrangement that is mutually considerate.
We could choose to avoid this by only meeting the program requirements of getting her to meetings and classes, but we want to go beyond that and are not only offering a car all weekends and evenings when she will be off, but looking for ways to add additional car time during the week. We are willing to inconvenience ourselves by finding other ways to handle getting to work during the week a portion of the time, but not every single day. If a person can't handle being told there are, for example, 20 hours during the week comprised of 168 hours total, where the car is not available, then they are too selfish and entitled for us. But we screened well for that. I am just looking for a reasonable person who has been in this situation to discuss it with, who does not see purchasing a 3rd car as the only possibly option. While it is great that it was an option for you to purchase a 3rd car, this is not an option for us. We are one time AP HF. we are not planning to cycle through them as our childcare of choice indefinitely. If we were planning this as a lifestyle on a continuing basis then it would surely make sense, but as it is, this does not.

Anonymous wrote:I am one of those "actual host families" whose responses you are looking for, and I already replied that while we did this one year while my husband rode his bike to work every single day and yes it was an inconvenience but yes it was a priority so that the au pair could have a car every single day, I strongly urge you to get a third car if you don't want the inconvenience of having to share a car with your husband or pay for uber. It will make you much happier and hermuch happier. We are on our 11th year in the program, and the way we have been so happy with it so long is that we do inconvenience ourselves to make sure that she is happy, just as I am sure she is inconveniencing herself plenty to make sure we are happy.

Anonymous wrote:Op will either head for rematch or not. It doesn't require a self-entitled princess to be unhappy with their arrangement. We have 2 cars and 3 adults too, but more the opposite. The 2nd car is almost always available for our au pair and on very rare occasions, we need both our cars. She turned out to be a somewhat timid driver and prefers to have other au pairs pick her up when off duty. But that is HER choice, not the unavailability of a car.

If you don't need an au pair, I would suggest not bothering with the program. It's a lot of effort for something you don't *really* need, so the negatives will end up bothering you a lot. Both sides have to make compromises, not just the HF telling the au pair to deal. Rematch is a huge pain and agencies do not like to give any money back, so you're likely out a lot of money.