It makes me sad to read threads like this, especially when it's obvious that the nanny who thinks nannies are "substitute mothers" is really only trying to hurt MBs and make them feel guilty for no other reason than to make herself feel more important. It's like pouring fuel on an unnecessary fire and making the nanny/MB dynamic even more contentious than it already is.

I'm a single mom with the DD who has had the same nanny, her only nanny, for the whole 5 years of her life. I've posted about her before. She is amazing. Her nanny is not her mother, but she is a valuable partner in the raising of my DD. She knows things about my child that I don't because she spends different hours with her and sees her in different settings and circumstances than I do. As a result, her input and insight is invaluable to me as I try to make the best parenting decisions I can make as her mother. I consider myself and DD incredibly lucky to have her as an important part of our team. She doesn't run the show, and I don't run the show. We are a kind of partnership, supported by teachers, friends, and other important people in DD's life, in bringing up the best kid possible.

Before anyone worries, I don't over rely on our nanny or blur the professional lines just because I'm a single mom. We have healthy boundaries and mutual respect. When the day comes that our nanny feels ready to move on, we will miss her terribly but support her, because that is what you do when you respect people.

Yes, I am actively engaged in the art of mothering and part of that engagement is to enlist and appreciate the talents and wisdom of our nanny.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:LOL because NONE of these moms ever spend time on their phone while they're supposed to be taking care of their kids, right?

Nannies are not substitute mothers. It makes no difference to me if my MB spends every waking second of her weekend texting -- I am not her.

I only text/talk during my lunch break when the kids are asleep. I hate seeing nannies and mothers on their phone constantly when I am out with my charges.

What makes you think a primary caregiver nanny isn't a substitute mother?

"Mother" is a relationship. A life-long relationship. "Nanny" is a job. A job with a limited time frame of the early years only.

Thoughtful Mothers *hope* that Nanny is also a relationship. If Nanny and your child aren't in a firm relationship, you have big problems ahead. Mark my words.

OF COURSE, nannies should have loving and nurturing relationships with our children - but that does not make them pretend mothers/substitute mothers! My nanny and DS are very bonded but she doesn't feel that she is his substitute mother and neither do I. Our relationships with my child are very different.

If she's providing the care of your child more of his waking hours than you are, then she's very much serving as his substitute mother. There's no getting around simple facts. Sorry.

So do daycare teachers - they spend more awake time with your child than a working mother - are they substitute mothers? What about a male nanny? Is he a substitute father or a substitute mother? I raised my step-daughter and I was/am her step-mother, not her mother or substitute mother. Because someone does most of the same things as another does not redefine who they are.
And those really are the simple facts. Sorry.

+ I agree. Nannies are not and never should be viewed or thought of as "substitute mothers".

"Just because you have been to a bris doesn't make you Jewish."

You're right. Mothering a child is a biological relationship, not an actual thing you do. It makes no difference how far apart mother and child are, or how often.

On one level, just giving birth entitles you to motherhood. On another level, however, it's near impossible to be actively engaged in the art of mothering from behind your desk 40-50+ hours a week. You therefore get a nanny who requires your constant direction (in between conference calls) so you can FEEL in control.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:LOL because NONE of these moms ever spend time on their phone while they're supposed to be taking care of their kids, right?

Nannies are not substitute mothers. It makes no difference to me if my MB spends every waking second of her weekend texting -- I am not her.

I only text/talk during my lunch break when the kids are asleep. I hate seeing nannies and mothers on their phone constantly when I am out with my charges.

What makes you think a primary caregiver nanny isn't a substitute mother?

"Mother" is a relationship. A life-long relationship. "Nanny" is a job. A job with a limited time frame of the early years only.

Thoughtful Mothers *hope* that Nanny is also a relationship. If Nanny and your child aren't in a firm relationship, you have big problems ahead. Mark my words.

OF COURSE, nannies should have loving and nurturing relationships with our children - but that does not make them pretend mothers/substitute mothers! My nanny and DS are very bonded but she doesn't feel that she is his substitute mother and neither do I. Our relationships with my child are very different.

Sounds like someone is in denial.

Is this really what you like to do with your spare time, of which you seem to have plenty? Argue with strangers on the internet and derail threads to suit your agenda? If you are unable to grasp the concept that the relationship between mother/father and child and "primary caregiver" and child are worlds apart, then you seem to be the one with denial issues. Nannies are not the most important people in a child's life, its that simple. They may be for a short time, but sorry to burst your bubble, when the kid is an adult you will hardly even be a memory. Their parents, however, will remain important.
- Not PP you are referring to and, YES, a nanny (though I am sure you will try to discredit me and call me a bitter/jealous MB in whatever lame rebuttal you come up with)

....says the person using their spare time to argue with strangers on the internet....

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:LOL because NONE of these moms ever spend time on their phone while they're supposed to be taking care of their kids, right?

Nannies are not substitute mothers. It makes no difference to me if my MB spends every waking second of her weekend texting -- I am not her.

I only text/talk during my lunch break when the kids are asleep. I hate seeing nannies and mothers on their phone constantly when I am out with my charges.

What makes you think a primary caregiver nanny isn't a substitute mother?

"Mother" is a relationship. A life-long relationship. "Nanny" is a job. A job with a limited time frame of the early years only.

Thoughtful Mothers *hope* that Nanny is also a relationship. If Nanny and your child aren't in a firm relationship, you have big problems ahead. Mark my words.

OF COURSE, nannies should have loving and nurturing relationships with our children - but that does not make them pretend mothers/substitute mothers! My nanny and DS are very bonded but she doesn't feel that she is his substitute mother and neither do I. Our relationships with my child are very different.

If she's providing the care of your child more of his waking hours than you are, then she's very much serving as his substitute mother. There's no getting around simple facts. Sorry.

So do daycare teachers - they spend more awake time with your child than a working mother - are they substitute mothers? What about a male nanny? Is he a substitute father or a substitute mother? I raised my step-daughter and I was/am her step-mother, not her mother or substitute mother. Because someone does most of the same things as another does not redefine who they are.
And those really are the simple facts. Sorry.

+ I agree. Nannies are not and never should be viewed or thought of as "substitute mothers".

"Just because you have been to a bris doesn't make you Jewish."

You're right. Mothering a child is a biological relationship, not an actual thing you do. It makes no difference how far apart mother and child are, or how often.

Every nanny-child relationship is different. I have been with my current 4 y/o charge since he was a newborn, I live-in and I spent 6 out of 7 days caring for him from the time he wakes up to the time he goes to sleep. The one day per week he spends with his parents is strictly so they can give me one day off. He spends that time watching tv or playing by himself. In this case, i don't consider myself a "substitute mother", but anyone could tell you that I have a deeper bond with this child than his mother does.

This is NOT THE NORM. So everyone here being so nasty toward MBs, nannies are not moms. The end.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:LOL because NONE of these moms ever spend time on their phone while they're supposed to be taking care of their kids, right?

Nannies are not substitute mothers. It makes no difference to me if my MB spends every waking second of her weekend texting -- I am not her.

I only text/talk during my lunch break when the kids are asleep. I hate seeing nannies and mothers on their phone constantly when I am out with my charges.

What makes you think a primary caregiver nanny isn't a substitute mother?

"Mother" is a relationship. A life-long relationship. "Nanny" is a job. A job with a limited time frame of the early years only.

Thoughtful Mothers *hope* that Nanny is also a relationship. If Nanny and your child aren't in a firm relationship, you have big problems ahead. Mark my words.

OF COURSE, nannies should have loving and nurturing relationships with our children - but that does not make them pretend mothers/substitute mothers! My nanny and DS are very bonded but she doesn't feel that she is his substitute mother and neither do I. Our relationships with my child are very different.

Sounds like someone is in denial.

Is this really what you like to do with your spare time, of which you seem to have plenty? Argue with strangers on the internet and derail threads to suit your agenda? If you are unable to grasp the concept that the relationship between mother/father and child and "primary caregiver" and child are worlds apart, then you seem to be the one with denial issues. Nannies are not the most important people in a child's life, its that simple. They may be for a short time, but sorry to burst your bubble, when the kid is an adult you will hardly even be a memory. Their parents, however, will remain important.
- Not PP you are referring to and, YES, a nanny (though I am sure you will try to discredit me and call me a bitter/jealous MB in whatever lame rebuttal you come up with)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:LOL because NONE of these moms ever spend time on their phone while they're supposed to be taking care of their kids, right?

Nannies are not substitute mothers. It makes no difference to me if my MB spends every waking second of her weekend texting -- I am not her.

I only text/talk during my lunch break when the kids are asleep. I hate seeing nannies and mothers on their phone constantly when I am out with my charges.

What makes you think a primary caregiver nanny isn't a substitute mother?

"Mother" is a relationship. A life-long relationship. "Nanny" is a job. A job with a limited time frame of the early years only.

Thoughtful Mothers *hope* that Nanny is also a relationship. If Nanny and your child aren't in a firm relationship, you have big problems ahead. Mark my words.

OF COURSE, nannies should have loving and nurturing relationships with our children - but that does not make them pretend mothers/substitute mothers! My nanny and DS are very bonded but she doesn't feel that she is his substitute mother and neither do I. Our relationships with my child are very different.

Sounds like someone is in denial.

You lost this argument, PP, let it go. Resorting to name calling is just embarrassing yourself.

I'm sorry but I guess i missed the part where I called anyone a name.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:LOL because NONE of these moms ever spend time on their phone while they're supposed to be taking care of their kids, right?

Nannies are not substitute mothers. It makes no difference to me if my MB spends every waking second of her weekend texting -- I am not her.

I only text/talk during my lunch break when the kids are asleep. I hate seeing nannies and mothers on their phone constantly when I am out with my charges.

What makes you think a primary caregiver nanny isn't a substitute mother?

"Mother" is a relationship. A life-long relationship. "Nanny" is a job. A job with a limited time frame of the early years only.

Thoughtful Mothers *hope* that Nanny is also a relationship. If Nanny and your child aren't in a firm relationship, you have big problems ahead. Mark my words.

OF COURSE, nannies should have loving and nurturing relationships with our children - but that does not make them pretend mothers/substitute mothers! My nanny and DS are very bonded but she doesn't feel that she is his substitute mother and neither do I. Our relationships with my child are very different.

If she's providing the care of your child more of his waking hours than you are, then she's very much serving as his substitute mother. There's no getting around simple facts. Sorry.

So do daycare teachers - they spend more awake time with your child than a working mother - are they substitute mothers? What about a male nanny? Is he a substitute father or a substitute mother? I raised my step-daughter and I was/am her step-mother, not her mother or substitute mother. Because someone does most of the same things as another does not redefine who they are.
And those really are the simple facts. Sorry.

+ I agree. Nannies are not and never should be viewed or thought of as "substitute mothers".

"Just because you have been to a bris doesn't make you Jewish."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:LOL because NONE of these moms ever spend time on their phone while they're supposed to be taking care of their kids, right?

Nannies are not substitute mothers. It makes no difference to me if my MB spends every waking second of her weekend texting -- I am not her.

I only text/talk during my lunch break when the kids are asleep. I hate seeing nannies and mothers on their phone constantly when I am out with my charges.

What makes you think a primary caregiver nanny isn't a substitute mother?

"Mother" is a relationship. A life-long relationship. "Nanny" is a job. A job with a limited time frame of the early years only.

Thoughtful Mothers *hope* that Nanny is also a relationship. If Nanny and your child aren't in a firm relationship, you have big problems ahead. Mark my words.

OF COURSE, nannies should have loving and nurturing relationships with our children - but that does not make them pretend mothers/substitute mothers! My nanny and DS are very bonded but she doesn't feel that she is his substitute mother and neither do I. Our relationships with my child are very different.

Sounds like someone is in denial.

You lost this argument, PP, let it go. Resorting to name calling is just embarrassing yourself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:LOL because NONE of these moms ever spend time on their phone while they're supposed to be taking care of their kids, right?

Nannies are not substitute mothers. It makes no difference to me if my MB spends every waking second of her weekend texting -- I am not her.

I only text/talk during my lunch break when the kids are asleep. I hate seeing nannies and mothers on their phone constantly when I am out with my charges.

What makes you think a primary caregiver nanny isn't a substitute mother?

"Mother" is a relationship. A life-long relationship. "Nanny" is a job. A job with a limited time frame of the early years only.

Thoughtful Mothers *hope* that Nanny is also a relationship. If Nanny and your child aren't in a firm relationship, you have big problems ahead. Mark my words.

OF COURSE, nannies should have loving and nurturing relationships with our children - but that does not make them pretend mothers/substitute mothers! My nanny and DS are very bonded but she doesn't feel that she is his substitute mother and neither do I. Our relationships with my child are very different.

Sounds like someone is in denial.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:LOL because NONE of these moms ever spend time on their phone while they're supposed to be taking care of their kids, right?

Nannies are not substitute mothers. It makes no difference to me if my MB spends every waking second of her weekend texting -- I am not her.

I only text/talk during my lunch break when the kids are asleep. I hate seeing nannies and mothers on their phone constantly when I am out with my charges.

What makes you think a primary caregiver nanny isn't a substitute mother?

"Mother" is a relationship. A life-long relationship. "Nanny" is a job. A job with a limited time frame of the early years only.

Thoughtful Mothers *hope* that Nanny is also a relationship. If Nanny and your child aren't in a firm relationship, you have big problems ahead. Mark my words.

OF COURSE, nannies should have loving and nurturing relationships with our children - but that does not make them pretend mothers/substitute mothers! My nanny and DS are very bonded but she doesn't feel that she is his substitute mother and neither do I. Our relationships with my child are very different.

If she's providing the care of your child more of his waking hours than you are, then she's very much serving as his substitute mother. There's no getting around simple facts. Sorry.

So do daycare teachers - they spend more awake time with your child than a working mother - are they substitute mothers? What about a male nanny? Is he a substitute father or a substitute mother? I raised my step-daughter and I was/am her step-mother, not her mother or substitute mother. Because someone does most of the same things as another does not redefine who they are.
And those really are the simple facts. Sorry.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:LOL because NONE of these moms ever spend time on their phone while they're supposed to be taking care of their kids, right?

Nannies are not substitute mothers. It makes no difference to me if my MB spends every waking second of her weekend texting -- I am not her.

I only text/talk during my lunch break when the kids are asleep. I hate seeing nannies and mothers on their phone constantly when I am out with my charges.

What makes you think a primary caregiver nanny isn't a substitute mother?

"Mother" is a relationship. A life-long relationship. "Nanny" is a job. A job with a limited time frame of the early years only.

Thoughtful Mothers *hope* that Nanny is also a relationship. If Nanny and your child aren't in a firm relationship, you have big problems ahead. Mark my words.

OF COURSE, nannies should have loving and nurturing relationships with our children - but that does not make them pretend mothers/substitute mothers! My nanny and DS are very bonded but she doesn't feel that she is his substitute mother and neither do I. Our relationships with my child are very different.

If she's providing the care of your child more of his waking hours than you are, then she's very much serving as his substitute mother. There's no getting around simple facts. Sorry.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:LOL because NONE of these moms ever spend time on their phone while they're supposed to be taking care of their kids, right?

Nannies are not substitute mothers. It makes no difference to me if my MB spends every waking second of her weekend texting -- I am not her.

I only text/talk during my lunch break when the kids are asleep. I hate seeing nannies and mothers on their phone constantly when I am out with my charges.

What makes you think a primary caregiver nanny isn't a substitute mother?

"Mother" is a relationship. A life-long relationship. "Nanny" is a job. A job with a limited time frame of the early years only.

Thoughtful Mothers *hope* that Nanny is also a relationship. If Nanny and your child aren't in a firm relationship, you have big problems ahead. Mark my words.

OF COURSE, nannies should have loving and nurturing relationships with our children - but that does not make them pretend mothers/substitute mothers! My nanny and DS are very bonded but she doesn't feel that she is his substitute mother and neither do I. Our relationships with my child are very different.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:LOL because NONE of these moms ever spend time on their phone while they're supposed to be taking care of their kids, right?

Nannies are not substitute mothers. It makes no difference to me if my MB spends every waking second of her weekend texting -- I am not her.

I only text/talk during my lunch break when the kids are asleep. I hate seeing nannies and mothers on their phone constantly when I am out with my charges.

What makes you think a primary caregiver nanny isn't a substitute mother?

"Mother" is a relationship. A life-long relationship. "Nanny" is a job. A job with a limited time frame of the early years only.

Thoughtful Mothers *hope* that Nanny is also a relationship. If Nanny and your child aren't in a firm relationship, you have big problems ahead. Mark my words.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:LOL because NONE of these moms ever spend time on their phone while they're supposed to be taking care of their kids, right?

Nannies are not substitute mothers. It makes no difference to me if my MB spends every waking second of her weekend texting -- I am not her.

I only text/talk during my lunch break when the kids are asleep. I hate seeing nannies and mothers on their phone constantly when I am out with my charges.

What makes you think a primary caregiver nanny isn't a substitute mother?

"Mother" is a relationship. A life-long relationship. "Nanny" is a job. A job with a limited time frame of the early years only.