Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess Russian nanny? Yeah, pass on the abusive probably drunk husband.

You know your drunks well, PP. We have an amazing Russian nanny. Amazing. Her husband is now retired but used to be a rocket scientist

OP here: candidate was not Russian and spouse is American. So yeah, doesn't fit the drunken Russian theme at all.

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess Russian nanny? Yeah, pass on the abusive probably drunk husband.

You know your drunks well, PP. We have an amazing Russian nanny. Amazing. Her husband is now retired but used to be a rocket scientist

OP here: for totally different reasons we may not hire. So I may not have to make a decision on this one after all.

Wow. Just wow.

As a prior Domestic Abuse victim, I know first-hand the shame from society that goes along w/being in this type of situation.

Society can be so harsh and judgmental toward Domestic Violence victims.
They tell us to do the right thing and leave the abuser. So when we do, they then punish us by avoiding us because they are so afraid that by having any contact with us, they themselves will be put in direct danger.

It's like a catch-22 situation. Blame the victim all over again.

Maybe this woman needs this job to break away from her abuser. Maybe she needs to make her own way so she can stand on her own.

Well if that is the case, and no one will give her a chance because they are just "so afraid" that they themselves will be in danger then aren't they themselves blaming the victim??!

I say you hire her and do not give her any stipulations that you wouldn't give anyone else.

It wouldn't be fair to hire her, yet tell her that you will be using a camera for her or that if anything happens like her spouse showing up, she will be let go, etc.

Why would you treat her like she is some sort of freakin' criminal?? Like you are already suspicious of her..? She has already been treated like a second class citizen by her spouse....And then by you too?



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Sorry if this sounds harsh OP. I don't mean to.
It's just that going through Domestic Abuse, I have experienced a lot of people treating me as if were to partially to blame for my circumstances and it was unfair.

Law enforcement has been absolutely worthless in preventing domestic violence except for taking reports after it happens.

OP here. I plan to have another conversation with her. All of the incidents were around alcohol; I need to understand what has changed and why she believes the change is substainable. I don't want to punish her for being married to an alcoholic who gets violent when you interfere with his access to more booze; but I can't put my kids in a position where there may be more than the average level of risk.

For what it's worth, the sheriff's office contact didn't have a lot of concern about him being a problem if she was providing care in our home, because all issues have been at their residence related to fighting over alcohol.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not a great situation. There have been several DV contacts with the police. She seems like a really good person, but he seems like a really troubled guy with a severe drinking problem that results in violence toward her. He's no longer drinking but it's hard to say whether that changes much.

OP again adding to this: I learned this from a call with the county sheriff's office and reading the arrest reports. When talking with the sheriff's office, the woman I spoke with told me that she is in charge of running background checks for home day care providers, and when doing so, they also run background checks on all persons associated with them. She said she's found that a remarkably high number of women in caregiver positions - home daycare, nanny, similar - are domestic assault victims. She said "I don't know why I'm telling you this, but I just find it surprising how common that is with these women."

So something to think about - there are probably an awful lot of nannies out there whose boyfriend or spouse you may not have Googled but who are currently living in domestic violence situations.

So what do you think you are going to do, OP?

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not a great situation. There have been several DV contacts with the police. She seems like a really good person, but he seems like a really troubled guy with a severe drinking problem that results in violence toward her. He's no longer drinking but it's hard to say whether that changes much.

OP again adding to this: I learned this from a call with the county sheriff's office and reading the arrest reports. When talking with the sheriff's office, the woman I spoke with told me that she is in charge of running background checks for home day care providers, and when doing so, they also run background checks on all persons associated with them. She said she's found that a remarkably high number of women in caregiver positions - home daycare, nanny, similar - are domestic assault victims. She said "I don't know why I'm telling you this, but I just find it surprising how common that is with these women."

So something to think about - there are probably an awful lot of nannies out there whose boyfriend or spouse you may not have Googled but who are currently living in domestic violence situations.

OP here. Not a great situation. There have been several DV contacts with the police. She seems like a really good person, but he seems like a really troubled guy with a severe drinking problem that results in violence toward her. He's no longer drinking but it's hard to say whether that changes much.

Anonymous wrote:If this man wants to find where she works, he will.
Period.

This is the problem with wanting to help the woman in need. Plus, we don't know what her issues are that attracted her to this man, nor why she stays with him. It's a minefield.

Anonymous wrote:Mr sister was also murdered by her estranged husband during a court ordered visitation with their infant daughter. There's a woman buried one row over from her who was also murdered by her husband about 12 years after my sister. This woman was murdered at work. She worked at a head start school. OP, I'd take this seriously. Men who are intent on murdering their wives won't care of your kids are present or not.

I am so very sorry, PP.

Mr sister was also murdered by her estranged husband during a court ordered visitation with their infant daughter. There's a woman buried one row over from her who was also murdered by her husband about 12 years after my sister. This woman was murdered at work. She worked at a head start school. OP, I'd take this seriously. Men who are intent on murdering their wives won't care of your kids are present or not.

Anonymous wrote:To the PP whose sister died: I'm sorry for your loss. But you have to realize that your story represents a serious extreme.

I would have thought so too, if it hadn't happened to our family. Every day in the US, more than 3 women are murdered by their husbands/intimate partners.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister was murdered by her estranged husband in full sight of the children. He threatened to kill her if she ever tried to leave him with the kids. He drank and used meth. Once she called the police when she was frightened after he was treating their toddler abusively. Worried that he might lose his job, she retracted the claim. She hid a lot from her family, friends and employer due to shame and fear of losing her job. He looked for her at her job, the children's daycare, her home and finally found her at a friend's, where he badly injured her friend's husband (trying to defend her) and viciously murdered her using a weapon he had concealed on him the whole day. The guy had no record, a stable job, and a graduate degree. This nanny is not telling you the whole story. Ask yourself if you want to take the chance of putting you and your family at risk to be collateral damage in their relationship.

PP, I am so sorry about what has happened in your family. I'm in tears right now. I can hardly imagine that magnitude of pain. Thank you for sharing your experience here with us. Hugs to you. How is your sister's child today? How are you and your family doing?

Thank you so much. Your kind words bring me to tears too. There are actually two young children. It is very painful but we focus on the children and the incredible amount of things to do related to our sister's affairs, the children, our devastated elderly parents, and the criminal case. None of us will ever be the same. One person can cause such ruin. We try to be optimistic for the future.

To the PP whose sister died: I'm sorry for your loss. But you have to realize that your story represents a serious extreme.