Are you serious? She's an adult, she can go wherever she wants to when she wants to and just needs to be back for the start of work. You don't know if she is staying up all night long, she could be sleeping elsewhere. Unless it is actually affecting her work, leave it alone. If you don't want to be woken up by someone coming home then you might want to reconsider having a roommate (which is what the au pair is). Her potentially marrying for a green card issue? You already have her here working for you so what does it matter? She might leave in a month or it might be at the end of her time with you. If you rematch then you'd still have to get a new AP and who knows what the future would be like with them (longevity wise OR staging out late). Why even consider rematch for a potential issue that might not even happen?

It sounds like you aren't a good fit for having an AP if you are this controlling and up in someone else's business.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's not a good fit for your family.

for future reference, establish clear expectations. We have it in our handbook that aps have a curfew of being home 8 hours before their shift is due to start. They can spend their time however they want on Friday and Saturday nights, but Sunday night is school night, and the curfew applies there. We've never had anyone having issues with this.

Seriously. We aren't running a college dorm. We are a family with kids in the house who don't want to be awakened by someone getting home at 4am. It's not unreasonable to have a curfew in a home with young kids.

You can't control another adult's life ...
She's not your daughter.
All you can ask is for her to not make noise when she gets home in the middle of the night on weekends and that's it.

It's different during the week, she has to sleep and you can ask her to come home at a reasonable time

Yeah, my house, my rules. I didn't sign up to be a dorm for an aupair. It's not controlling someone's life or being unreasonable. If you are a guest in someone's house, even a long term one, you need to respect the person paying the mortgage.
You don't need to match with a family with a curfew or household rules you don't agree with, but it's not unusual or even culturally uncommon for a household to have a curfew out of respect for the adults who work jobs with morning hours and children who attend school.

Did I miss the part where this curfew was agreed upon or outlined in a contract at the time the AP matched? I can’t seem to find it.

Are you a troll? Yes, household rules are provided during match time. It's not in the contract, but work hours typically are. The household rules are provided as a courtesy at match time knowing full well that the aupair is a long-term guest in the host family's house and if they can't agree on household rules either at match time or during their stay here that it would be a basis for rematch.

No one will force a family to house someone for a year or two who can't follow house rules.

Anonymous wrote:omg, such a troll post from OP. NOONE would allow aupair come home at 6 am, spend nights God knows where and with whom (how about STDs?), drive kids to school, and be OK with that. NO ONE.

Actually, there are a number of families who only care that AP sleeps enough to do the driving.

Anonymous wrote:omg, such a troll post from OP. NOONE would allow aupair come home at 6 am, spend nights God knows where and with whom (how about STDs?), drive kids to school, and be OK with that. NO ONE.

How are STDs any of OP's concern? I wouldn't expect an au pair to disclose any information on this.

omg, such a troll post from OP. NOONE would allow aupair come home at 6 am, spend nights God knows where and with whom (how about STDs?), drive kids to school, and be OK with that. NO ONE.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's not a good fit for your family.

for future reference, establish clear expectations. We have it in our handbook that aps have a curfew of being home 8 hours before their shift is due to start. They can spend their time however they want on Friday and Saturday nights, but Sunday night is school night, and the curfew applies there. We've never had anyone having issues with this.

Seriously. We aren't running a college dorm. We are a family with kids in the house who don't want to be awakened by someone getting home at 4am. It's not unreasonable to have a curfew in a home with young kids.

You can't control another adult's life ...
She's not your daughter.
All you can ask is for her to not make noise when she gets home in the middle of the night on weekends and that's it.

It's different during the week, she has to sleep and you can ask her to come home at a reasonable time

Yeah, my house, my rules. I didn't sign up to be a dorm for an aupair. It's not controlling someone's life or being unreasonable. If you are a guest in someone's house, even a long term one, you need to respect the person paying the mortgage.
You don't need to match with a family with a curfew or household rules you don't agree with, but it's not unusual or even culturally uncommon for a household to have a curfew out of respect for the adults who work jobs with morning hours and children who attend school.

Did I miss the part where this curfew was agreed upon or outlined in a contract at the time the AP matched? I can’t seem to find it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see this as an issue of “controlling her life”. When you go to someone’s house and they ask you to remove your shoes, are they controlling your life? No - it’s their house and they set the rules. The host mom isnt controlling what the AP can do in her life, but merely enforcing rules of her home. Rules that presumably all family members abide by. So I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all to say, in our house, absent unusual circumstances, everyone needs to be home by midnight.

OP here. Yes the post is real. I don’t know what anyone would gain from starting drama an anonymous forum. The only reason I found myself on the board is that I am new to the AP world and I don’t know anyone in real life who has an AP and didn’t know who ask. I here to get people’s opinions to help me in my decision making. I am new to this whole thing so definitely learning from what people are doing.

Live and learn. This AP isn't going to work out. Part of that is you didn't establish any boundaries, and you got someone who is going to take advantage of that. Don't try to be the cool host family; lay out some house rules and AP responsibilities that are a little tougher than your actual non-negotiables. It's always easier to loosen those than to tighten them up. We had APs for more than 10 years. None of them left because of having to work too hard, our (fairly strict) house rules, or our stipend (the minimum). A couple didn't work out because they were lovesick for boyfriends they didn't admit to when they interviewed.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see this as an issue of “controlling her life”. When you go to someone’s house and they ask you to remove your shoes, are they controlling your life? No - it’s their house and they set the rules. The host mom isnt controlling what the AP can do in her life, but merely enforcing rules of her home. Rules that presumably all family members abide by. So I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all to say, in our house, absent unusual circumstances, everyone needs to be home by midnight.

OP here. Yes the post is real. I don’t know what anyone would gain from starting drama an anonymous forum. The only reason I found myself on the board is that I am new to the AP world and I don’t know anyone in real life who has an AP and didn’t know who ask. I here to get people’s opinions to help me in my decision making. I am new to this whole thing so definitely learning from what people are doing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's not a good fit for your family.

for future reference, establish clear expectations. We have it in our handbook that aps have a curfew of being home 8 hours before their shift is due to start. They can spend their time however they want on Friday and Saturday nights, but Sunday night is school night, and the curfew applies there. We've never had anyone having issues with this.

Seriously. We aren't running a college dorm. We are a family with kids in the house who don't want to be awakened by someone getting home at 4am. It's not unreasonable to have a curfew in a home with young kids.

You can't control another adult's life ...
She's not your daughter.
All you can ask is for her to not make noise when she gets home in the middle of the night on weekends and that's it.

It's different during the week, she has to sleep and you can ask her to come home at a reasonable time

Yeah, my house, my rules. I didn't sign up to be a dorm for an aupair. It's not controlling someone's life or being unreasonable. If you are a guest in someone's house, even a long term one, you need to respect the person paying the mortgage.
You don't need to match with a family with a curfew or household rules you don't agree with, but it's not unusual or even culturally uncommon for a household to have a curfew out of respect for the adults who work jobs with morning hours and children who attend school.

I don't care if an AP stays out late but I don't want anyone driving my car around the beltway at 2am. Car stays home. No one wants to provide housing for partying young adult when they are up all night with infants or a toddler. No one would sign up for that added stress in life.

I wonder how they advertise this but 'living with an american family' is not 'crashing in the spare room' for a year.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's not a good fit for your family.

for future reference, establish clear expectations. We have it in our handbook that aps have a curfew of being home 8 hours before their shift is due to start. They can spend their time however they want on Friday and Saturday nights, but Sunday night is school night, and the curfew applies there. We've never had anyone having issues with this.

Seriously. We aren't running a college dorm. We are a family with kids in the house who don't want to be awakened by someone getting home at 4am. It's not unreasonable to have a curfew in a home with young kids.

You can't control another adult's life ...
She's not your daughter.
All you can ask is for her to not make noise when she gets home in the middle of the night on weekends and that's it.

It's different during the week, she has to sleep and you can ask her to come home at a reasonable time

Yeah, my house, my rules. I didn't sign up to be a dorm for an aupair. It's not controlling someone's life or being unreasonable. If you are a guest in someone's house, even a long term one, you need to respect the person paying the mortgage.
You don't need to match with a family with a curfew or household rules you don't agree with, but it's not unusual or even culturally uncommon for a household to have a curfew out of respect for the adults who work jobs with morning hours and children who attend school.

PP - there are randoms who dive bomb this board to stir up drama. Many suppose it is Nannys who hate the AP program. Threads here often die under the weight of the nonsense these folks stir up.

Anonymous wrote:Two major problems here (if this post is real -- sorta seems like someone trying to stir up drama):

1) she's here for papers. My 1st AP was too, but she wasn't dumb enough to tell us. Says she's not in it for the right reasons and shouldn't be here.


2) The curfew. Definitely belongs in the handbook that there's a curfew 8 hours before a shift, or something similar. We always told APs during our interviews that since our front door is near our sleeping area, we wouldn't be a good fit for someone who wanted to party every night. Our APs all went out but rarely came home after midnight. It's late to implement after she's already here but have a reset conversation about it and if she's not on board, rematch it is.

Who would do that? An AP? HF? What is the motive?

Two major problems here (if this post is real -- sorta seems like someone trying to stir up drama):

1) she's here for papers. My 1st AP was too, but she wasn't dumb enough to tell us. Says she's not in it for the right reasons and shouldn't be here.


2) The curfew. Definitely belongs in the handbook that there's a curfew 8 hours before a shift, or something similar. We always told APs during our interviews that since our front door is near our sleeping area, we wouldn't be a good fit for someone who wanted to party every night. Our APs all went out but rarely came home after midnight. It's late to implement after she's already here but have a reset conversation about it and if she's not on board, rematch it is.

And this is why we are no longer with the program. You get sucked dry by these APs, while agencies just shrug and your kids are stuck with people who really could care less.

Anonymous wrote:She's not a good fit for your family.

for future reference, establish clear expectations. We have it in our handbook that aps have a curfew of being home 8 hours before their shift is due to start. They can spend their time however they want on Friday and Saturday nights, but Sunday night is school night, and the curfew applies there. We've never had anyone having issues with this.

That’s what we do as well. Works great for us.