Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you’re a woman, yes? Does your husband ever clean up after a meal? If not, I can see how your AP might think that cleanup is a task that you’ve agreed is yours. I wouldn’t want to help out, either, if my host father just peaced out after every meal and the womenfolk were expected to clean. I’d be like, that’s your weird, regressive dynamic, not mine.

+1. I wonder what the dad is doing. Probably sits on couch

Jeez. I am the OP and checked back today. When I pick up the kitchen DH takes the kids upstairs and does bathtime and gets them all ready for bed. I don’t like doing bath (at all) or brushing my DDs hair or doing teeth checks which is why I asked to have the dinner clean up shift. Sometimes we switch if he wants a break but I like that 20 minutes of alone time, except when it is not alone because my AP watches. My husband does plenty around the house so I’m not sure why distribution of labor is an issue here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you’re a woman, yes? Does your husband ever clean up after a meal? If not, I can see how your AP might think that cleanup is a task that you’ve agreed is yours. I wouldn’t want to help out, either, if my host father just peaced out after every meal and the womenfolk were expected to clean. I’d be like, that’s your weird, regressive dynamic, not mine.

What ever the dynamic is between the parents is between them but as an AuPair, you are there for a job. Your host family is not the hired help, you are. If host mom cooks, you be decent and help clean up. Or, make your own meals.

Oh, so now it’s a job? Then pay your AP appropriately. Otherwise it’s basically slave labor under a thin veneer of “cultural exchange”.

Oh FFS, you again. I'll pay up more when they actually have to pay for their own room and board, their own food, their own utilities, their own car, their own car insurance, their own cell phone and data plan, their own wi-fi, their own housekeeping. THEN we can talk.

Anyone have an aupair who stayed as a nanny or student after their aupair years? did their attitude change when they were actually paying for this list of things? Because, I know mine would. It's amazing how many aupairs think that this is just what an employer gives you.

In our home, you either cook or clean up at dinner. Even the toddlers. If you help cook, you don't have to clean. If you don't help cook dinner, you are clearing your plate, helping load the dishwasher and sweeping the floor. If your aupair sees everyone else contributing and doesn't help, that warrants a conversation.

Sounds like it’s just one parent, not kids and the other parent.

Oh, I completely agree on everyone helping.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you’re a woman, yes? Does your husband ever clean up after a meal? If not, I can see how your AP might think that cleanup is a task that you’ve agreed is yours. I wouldn’t want to help out, either, if my host father just peaced out after every meal and the womenfolk were expected to clean. I’d be like, that’s your weird, regressive dynamic, not mine.

What ever the dynamic is between the parents is between them but as an AuPair, you are there for a job. Your host family is not the hired help, you are. If host mom cooks, you be decent and help clean up. Or, make your own meals.

An AP is definitely NOT “hired help.” They’re supposed to do an equal part of household chores. Not everything the cleaning team doesn’t do. Not split with just mom. Equal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you’re a woman, yes? Does your husband ever clean up after a meal? If not, I can see how your AP might think that cleanup is a task that you’ve agreed is yours. I wouldn’t want to help out, either, if my host father just peaced out after every meal and the womenfolk were expected to clean. I’d be like, that’s your weird, regressive dynamic, not mine.

What ever the dynamic is between the parents is between them but as an AuPair, you are there for a job. Your host family is not the hired help, you are. If host mom cooks, you be decent and help clean up. Or, make your own meals.

Oh, so now it’s a job? Then pay your AP appropriately. Otherwise it’s basically slave labor under a thin veneer of “cultural exchange”.

Oh FFS, you again. I'll pay up more when they actually have to pay for their own room and board, their own food, their own utilities, their own car, their own car insurance, their own cell phone and data plan, their own wi-fi, their own housekeeping. THEN we can talk.

Anyone have an aupair who stayed as a nanny or student after their aupair years? did their attitude change when they were actually paying for this list of things? Because, I know mine would. It's amazing how many aupairs think that this is just what an employer gives you.

In our home, you either cook or clean up at dinner. Even the toddlers. If you help cook, you don't have to clean. If you don't help cook dinner, you are clearing your plate, helping load the dishwasher and sweeping the floor. If your aupair sees everyone else contributing and doesn't help, that warrants a conversation.

That’s fine, but apparently OP is the only one cleaning up, and she wants her AP to help her. Again, where’s Dad?

We are not talking about that here. It might be while mom cleans he is in charge of the kids, getting bed for bed o bath them. The thing here is that "She eats like a guest" and wait for others to clean up. The worst thing "Only watch" doing nothing. "Hello, She eats, no cooks dinner and lives there". Mom do something and talk straight to her.

+1. It doesn't really matter where the dad is unless he is also in the kitchen next to the AP and chatting. The fact that she just there chatting will be a big no for me. I don't have an AP now but when I had one when they ate diner with us, they helped cleaned up after. Sometimes they will need to leave a bit early and excuse themself, but yeah not in my house. Even my kids would not get way with this. My 5 y o already take their plate to the kitchen, as they get older they will be helping more.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you’re a woman, yes? Does your husband ever clean up after a meal? If not, I can see how your AP might think that cleanup is a task that you’ve agreed is yours. I wouldn’t want to help out, either, if my host father just peaced out after every meal and the womenfolk were expected to clean. I’d be like, that’s your weird, regressive dynamic, not mine.

What ever the dynamic is between the parents is between them but as an AuPair, you are there for a job. Your host family is not the hired help, you are. If host mom cooks, you be decent and help clean up. Or, make your own meals.

Oh, so now it’s a job? Then pay your AP appropriately. Otherwise it’s basically slave labor under a thin veneer of “cultural exchange”.

Oh FFS, you again. I'll pay up more when they actually have to pay for their own room and board, their own food, their own utilities, their own car, their own car insurance, their own cell phone and data plan, their own wi-fi, their own housekeeping. THEN we can talk.

Anyone have an aupair who stayed as a nanny or student after their aupair years? did their attitude change when they were actually paying for this list of things? Because, I know mine would. It's amazing how many aupairs think that this is just what an employer gives you.

In our home, you either cook or clean up at dinner. Even the toddlers. If you help cook, you don't have to clean. If you don't help cook dinner, you are clearing your plate, helping load the dishwasher and sweeping the floor. If your aupair sees everyone else contributing and doesn't help, that warrants a conversation.

That’s fine, but apparently OP is the only one cleaning up, and she wants her AP to help her. Again, where’s Dad?

We are not talking about that here. It might be while mom cleans he is in charge of the kids, getting bed for bed o bath them. The thing here is that "She eats like a guest" and wait for others to clean up. The worst thing "Only watch" doing nothing. "Hello, She eats, no cooks dinner and lives there". Mom do something and talk straight to her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you’re a woman, yes? Does your husband ever clean up after a meal? If not, I can see how your AP might think that cleanup is a task that you’ve agreed is yours. I wouldn’t want to help out, either, if my host father just peaced out after every meal and the womenfolk were expected to clean. I’d be like, that’s your weird, regressive dynamic, not mine.

What ever the dynamic is between the parents is between them but as an AuPair, you are there for a job. Your host family is not the hired help, you are. If host mom cooks, you be decent and help clean up. Or, make your own meals.

Oh, so now it’s a job? Then pay your AP appropriately. Otherwise it’s basically slave labor under a thin veneer of “cultural exchange”.

Oh FFS, you again. I'll pay up more when they actually have to pay for their own room and board, their own food, their own utilities, their own car, their own car insurance, their own cell phone and data plan, their own wi-fi, their own housekeeping. THEN we can talk.

Anyone have an aupair who stayed as a nanny or student after their aupair years? did their attitude change when they were actually paying for this list of things? Because, I know mine would. It's amazing how many aupairs think that this is just what an employer gives you.

In our home, you either cook or clean up at dinner. Even the toddlers. If you help cook, you don't have to clean. If you don't help cook dinner, you are clearing your plate, helping load the dishwasher and sweeping the floor. If your aupair sees everyone else contributing and doesn't help, that warrants a conversation.

That’s fine, but apparently OP is the only one cleaning up, and she wants her AP to help her. Again, where’s Dad?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you’re a woman, yes? Does your husband ever clean up after a meal? If not, I can see how your AP might think that cleanup is a task that you’ve agreed is yours. I wouldn’t want to help out, either, if my host father just peaced out after every meal and the womenfolk were expected to clean. I’d be like, that’s your weird, regressive dynamic, not mine.

What ever the dynamic is between the parents is between them but as an AuPair, you are there for a job. Your host family is not the hired help, you are. If host mom cooks, you be decent and help clean up. Or, make your own meals.

Oh, so now it’s a job? Then pay your AP appropriately. Otherwise it’s basically slave labor under a thin veneer of “cultural exchange”.

Oh FFS, you again. I'll pay up more when they actually have to pay for their own room and board, their own food, their own utilities, their own car, their own car insurance, their own cell phone and data plan, their own wi-fi, their own housekeeping. THEN we can talk.

Anyone have an aupair who stayed as a nanny or student after their aupair years? did their attitude change when they were actually paying for this list of things? Because, I know mine would. It's amazing how many aupairs think that this is just what an employer gives you.

In our home, you either cook or clean up at dinner. Even the toddlers. If you help cook, you don't have to clean. If you don't help cook dinner, you are clearing your plate, helping load the dishwasher and sweeping the floor. If your aupair sees everyone else contributing and doesn't help, that warrants a conversation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you’re a woman, yes? Does your husband ever clean up after a meal? If not, I can see how your AP might think that cleanup is a task that you’ve agreed is yours. I wouldn’t want to help out, either, if my host father just peaced out after every meal and the womenfolk were expected to clean. I’d be like, that’s your weird, regressive dynamic, not mine.

What ever the dynamic is between the parents is between them but as an AuPair, you are there for a job. Your host family is not the hired help, you are. If host mom cooks, you be decent and help clean up. Or, make your own meals.

Oh, so now it’s a job? Then pay your AP appropriately. Otherwise it’s basically slave labor under a thin veneer of “cultural exchange”.

Oh FFS, you again. I'll pay up more when they actually have to pay for their own room and board, their own food, their own utilities, their own car, their own car insurance, their own cell phone and data plan, their own wi-fi, their own housekeeping. THEN we can talk.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you’re a woman, yes? Does your husband ever clean up after a meal? If not, I can see how your AP might think that cleanup is a task that you’ve agreed is yours. I wouldn’t want to help out, either, if my host father just peaced out after every meal and the womenfolk were expected to clean. I’d be like, that’s your weird, regressive dynamic, not mine.

What ever the dynamic is between the parents is between them but as an AuPair, you are there for a job. Your host family is not the hired help, you are. If host mom cooks, you be decent and help clean up. Or, make your own meals.

Oh, so now it’s a job? Then pay your AP appropriately. Otherwise it’s basically slave labor under a thin veneer of “cultural exchange”.

It sounds like the mistake was yours in not setting expectations at the start. Some people - including many women - are very particular about how they want things done, especially in the kitchen. If you have never plainly asked her to ‘please help with after meal clean up’ she may just be standing back out of respect and sticking around to keep you company because she’s not a jerk who ‘chews and screws’ as many men and children do.

Honestly you’re a grown married woman with children who makes enough money to have an au pair. Why can’t you just communicate with her? Do you expect mind reading from husband? Kids? Coworkers? Friends? Family?

You say she’s leaving soon, so it’s not worth the hassle. But why do you expect a hassle? If you can sit down with her and speak kindly and respectfully to her - put aside all this pent up resentment you feel from not having your mind read, and from making assumptions about how she should have behaved absent clear expectations - then it should be a pleasant and short conversation. ‘AP, I should have set this expectation clearly when you arrived, but I neglected to. Would you please assist me with after dinner clearing of dishes and cleaning of the kitchen/dining area for the remainder of your stay? It would be so helpful to me and since we usually visit after dinner anyway, I could sure use the extra pair hands while we do.’

So simple, really.

Before she leaves, ask her for an honest assessment of her experience with your family and evaluate that while putting together your clear expectations for her replacement so you can provide those up front.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you’re a woman, yes? Does your husband ever clean up after a meal? If not, I can see how your AP might think that cleanup is a task that you’ve agreed is yours. I wouldn’t want to help out, either, if my host father just peaced out after every meal and the womenfolk were expected to clean. I’d be like, that’s your weird, regressive dynamic, not mine.

What ever the dynamic is between the parents is between them but as an AuPair, you are there for a job. Your host family is not the hired help, you are. If host mom cooks, you be decent and help clean up. Or, make your own meals.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you’re a woman, yes? Does your husband ever clean up after a meal? If not, I can see how your AP might think that cleanup is a task that you’ve agreed is yours. I wouldn’t want to help out, either, if my host father just peaced out after every meal and the womenfolk were expected to clean. I’d be like, that’s your weird, regressive dynamic, not mine.

+1. I wonder what the dad is doing. Probably sits on couch

OP, you’re a woman, yes? Does your husband ever clean up after a meal? If not, I can see how your AP might think that cleanup is a task that you’ve agreed is yours. I wouldn’t want to help out, either, if my host father just peaced out after every meal and the womenfolk were expected to clean. I’d be like, that’s your weird, regressive dynamic, not mine.

Here's the way I explain it -- if you moved to your aunt's house for a year and she made you dinner every night, would you help set the table or join in the clean up. Remember, dinner was made and brought to the table for you. If you would help your aunt and your desire is to be part of a family, we ask that you join in here. You won't be the only one cleaning, but many hands make light work.

If she doesn't take the hint after that... I would have a hard time with it.

Anonymous wrote:This seems outrageous to me. Am I crazy? We’ve had 3 au pairs and they have all done the dishes every night after dinner. I’m of the opinion, she’s got a car to drive, has her own suite downstairs, doesn’t have to clean the house, has any sort of food/snack she wants, I do all the shopping and cook dinner every night. She better be doing the dishes, she lives here.

Yikes.