Ladies...let's get real here. Family activities foe a young adult SUCK. The younger the kids are the more miserable it is.

Stop being butt hurt when the AP does want to hang on a Friday night with middle aged parents our spoiled brats. It's just not realistic. These young adults need their space. It's healthy. Get over yourselves.

Part of the family means hand the au pair a ton of perks but don't expect them to lift a finger around the house

Out of curiosity, what do the au pair brochures say?
What does the agency tell prospective au pairs or people considering joining the program as an au pair

We eat family dinner most nights and let her know in advance if we aren't so she can make something for herself or go out with a friend.

We ask questions about her life and take genuine interest in getting to know her: friends, classes, life back home, etc. and help her problem solve if she's having any issues.

We include her in holidays and some vacations depending on the scope (camping trips, local travel always we offer, we did take one AP to Hawaii when kids were little, and a trip to California to spend the holidays with my parents we also paid for her trip and she had her own room and time to explore).

We had one AP who really was a hermit...sweet with the kids and a super nice girl but no interest in making friends or anything, just putting in her time. We did ask that she go to the first 3 AP cluster meetings but she was miserable so we didn't push it after that. She was definitely not "part of the family" but would still join us for birthdays and holidays.

I think dinner with the family of they are not eating out is expected in our house. Would be weird of they didn't, all of ours have enjoyed it too I think, at least they keep doing it the entire year

Ha! our au pair abruptly stopped eating dinner with us. When we asked her what was going on and if she was okay, she discussed how she really needs to lose weight and so she would no longer be eating dinner. Which was fine. Except she kept ordering Mcdonalds and having cake for breakfast and lunch.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We once had an au pair who would grab her dinner and take it to the dining room and eat by herself while we were eating in the kitchen table. She would refuse to join us even though we tried to make her feel welcome. Not eating in separate dining spaces would be part of the familiy (at a minimum)

Even if they are eating something different, eating together is the minimum; however; if that’s the expectation, it should be part of her hours.

NP. I disagree. To me, that’s being part of the family. Of course I don’t expect APs to eat every meal with us. But I would find sitting at a different table upsetting and quite frankly unacceptable. If someone lives under my roof and wants to be part of our family, then eating meals together occasionally is part of it. To be honest, our APs all enjoyed the family meals.

Exactly--if eating with the family at the table is too much of a chore, just wait an extra 20 minutes to eat until they are done. Taking your plate to a different table is rude and is not great for the kids to see that

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We once had an au pair who would grab her dinner and take it to the dining room and eat by herself while we were eating in the kitchen table. She would refuse to join us even though we tried to make her feel welcome. Not eating in separate dining spaces would be part of the familiy (at a minimum)

Even if they are eating something different, eating together is the minimum; however; if that’s the expectation, it should be part of her hours.

NP. I disagree. To me, that’s being part of the family. Of course I don’t expect APs to eat every meal with us. But I would find sitting at a different table upsetting and quite frankly unacceptable. If someone lives under my roof and wants to be part of our family, then eating meals together occasionally is part of it. To be honest, our APs all enjoyed the family meals.

Anonymous wrote:We once had an au pair who would grab her dinner and take it to the dining room and eat by herself while we were eating in the kitchen table. She would refuse to join us even though we tried to make her feel welcome. Not eating in separate dining spaces would be part of the familiy (at a minimum)

Even if they are eating something different, eating together is the minimum; however; if that’s the expectation, it should be part of her hours.

Anonymous wrote:After our first AP, who literally never in a year asked "How are you" or said please or thank you or shared thoughts or feelings...we started explaining that those were family values that we expected our AP to share. It seems those were not values in her house (French). I honestly didn't care if our APs ever ate at a restaurant with us -- they were welcome to but welcome to eat with their friends too. But "treating" us like family was a non-negotiable.

We had one of those, too. And it was draining. I do think that we cared about us, but she was just too immature to act as a young adult.

We once had an au pair who would grab her dinner and take it to the dining room and eat by herself while we were eating in the kitchen table. She would refuse to join us even though we tried to make her feel welcome. Not eating in separate dining spaces would be part of the familiy (at a minimum)

After our first AP, who literally never in a year asked "How are you" or said please or thank you or shared thoughts or feelings...we started explaining that those were family values that we expected our AP to share. It seems those were not values in her house (French). I honestly didn't care if our APs ever ate at a restaurant with us -- they were welcome to but welcome to eat with their friends too. But "treating" us like family was a non-negotiable.

Anonymous wrote:I think all APs say this because it is what they have been coached to say - and it may be true for some, in particular younger au pairs who are more like Mothers Helpers that they want to be part of the family in the sense they are another kid. Most APs want to have the perks of family (vacations, etc) without having to be 100% with the family all the time. This is healthy and normal. Think back to when you returned how for holidays at your parents house during college (if applicable). If you were like me, you joined for some preferred activities but tried to get out with friends a lot of the time you were home. I think this is what to aim for with an AP.

This. It's a normal developmental stage for them to be gaining independence from their own family so acting like they are 10 y.o. and having to do everything with you makes no sense either. They are in a transitional phase of their lives or they wouldn't be available to AP.

They are definitely getting coached thinking this phrase sounds dedicated and homey not a cause for concern.

Part of the family can mean a lot of things.

I’d suggest asking open ended questions:

“What is your favorite food? Favorite meal? Least favorite? Any cuisine you can’t stand? Any allergies?”

“What do you do on weeknights? Weekends during the day? Weekend nights? Vacation? What do you want to see most in the US? What do you want to do with us most? Is there anything that you already know you don’t want to do?”

“With which family member do you spend the most time? What do you do together? Do you avoid any family members or realize later that you haven’t spent time with them? Why? Who is your best friend? Can you describe them? What do you do together?”

The above should give you an idea of active vs sedentary, introverted vs extroverted, picky vs adventurous eater, etc. Read between the lines. Ask questions that nobody else asks, so they don’t have prepared answers and have to tell the truth or think up a lie on the fly (hopefully making it easier to spot).

"Part of the family" means that we look out for each other and have a genuine interest in learning about each other and treat each other with decency and respect and are seeking to build a human connection. The exceptional au pairs that I've had believed in this too. The mediocre ones are the those who started out this way than got super influenced by their friends who drove BMWs or had their own suite or had host families pay for their trip back home for elective plastic surgery.