Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, I think I have a different perspective here.

It sounds to me like DD likes being an older sibling and wants more control in general. There are ways to encourage good relationships between them and give her more control without getting into a trap of her taking care of him or disrespecting adults.

I’d suggest sitting down with DD and asking her about exactly what happened and why. Listen to what she’s telling you about the events, ask how she feels and why she reacted as she did. Ask what her ideas are about how she can help at bedtime, and remind her that it’s helping, not doing everything. For some older siblings, it might be helping with bath time, pjs or reading to the younger sibling (I would certainly steer towards this!), but actually making sure the younger child settles down to sleep should always be an adult. Explain that you need her to do what she’s agreed to at the agreed time and then let the adult finish bedtime, or the adult will need to do bedtime without her help.

I would also explore ways for her to help more and have more control in other ways and at other times. At 7, she could make breakfast or lunch, pack lunchboxes for school, or do chores. I would actively discourage her from helping him do anything he should at least try for himself (getting dressed, putting on shoes, etc).

Btw, sitter shouldn’t have threatened to call the fire department... That caused the situation to spiral. And an adult who gets so overwrought that she starts bawling has no business caring for children, at least of those ages.

Wait... what?

It sounds like the DD locked herself AND her baby brother in the child's room... er go, locking the sitter outside the room.


You're damn straight I'm gonna threaten to call the fire department if she won't open that door. Guess what??
I'm also gonna threaten to call the police, her parents, Santa Claus, her principal and Ariana Grande to report that she won't allow me in.
You'll see how fast that door opens.

Secondly, where did you get that it was the sitter throwing the tantrum??
It sounds like it was her DAUGHTER who "screamed and cried" at the thought of the fire department being called... not the sitter.

You really need to work on your reading comprehension skills, because it sounds like you were WAY off base with your entire post and suggestions.

This child doesn't need to be coddled some more, she's already in control of that entire household.
It's clearly the daughter's house and the daughters world... OP just lives in it.


And btw OP, in your original post you absolutely DID mention getting rid of the sitter... now you're changing your story to it being a "work around".
The comments you perceived as off base or negative were all due to what you wrote in your OP... try reading it again.
The responses that you perceived as critical and off base had nothing to do with being on DCUM & everything to do with your OP.

Like I said, it's your daughter's world and you only live in it.

Anonymous wrote:Okay, I think I have a different perspective here.

It sounds to me like DD likes being an older sibling and wants more control in general. There are ways to encourage good relationships between them and give her more control without getting into a trap of her taking care of him or disrespecting adults.

I’d suggest sitting down with DD and asking her about exactly what happened and why. Listen to what she’s telling you about the events, ask how she feels and why she reacted as she did. Ask what her ideas are about how she can help at bedtime, and remind her that it’s helping, not doing everything. For some older siblings, it might be helping with bath time, pjs or reading to the younger sibling (I would certainly steer towards this!), but actually making sure the younger child settles down to sleep should always be an adult. Explain that you need her to do what she’s agreed to at the agreed time and then let the adult finish bedtime, or the adult will need to do bedtime without her help.

I would also explore ways for her to help more and have more control in other ways and at other times. At 7, she could make breakfast or lunch, pack lunchboxes for school, or do chores. I would actively discourage her from helping him do anything he should at least try for himself (getting dressed, putting on shoes, etc).

Btw, sitter shouldn’t have threatened to call the fire department... That caused the situation to spiral. And an adult who gets so overwrought that she starts bawling has no business caring for children, at least of those ages.

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. So, first off, DD is incredibly likable and this was alarming and surprising to me because she is usually respectful and sweet, particularly to babysitters and other authority figures. (Those hair trigger comments about being a spoiled brat and having no empathy etc. were rather mean-spirited and quite unfounded based on a snapshot of something unusual that happened once, I must say. Though I guess that’s what I get for seeking guidance here.) Also, I’m not planning to *fire* my sitter, I’m just trying to find a workaround until we can figure out where DD’s actions came from. She primarily works with DS while DD is at school and I’m at work, so we will continue with that for awhile and minimize the 2 on 1. She (sitter)’s really sensitive and I didn’t want her to dread coming the next time, so I was in the thought process of coming up with a plan B in case there was a crisis on that front. DD drafted an apology note that was given to her shortly thereafter. We have been really intentional about praising respectful behavior and words, and talking about doing what’s right, even when it’s hard. The kids have responded and seem happier, although they seemed fine before. Sometimes, it takes something out of left field to help us recalibrate slightly what we have been doing that is suddenly no longer working quite right. We put up with occasional sass because it was exactly that: occasional, and there was the assumption that maybe it was motivated by fatigue or hunger, and we just didn’t harp on it. Now, we are consciously relaxing on things that matter less for now, and really laser focused on managing attitudes. OP out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:12.08 here. It’s weird to me that everybody is willing to dismiss this your girl’s feeling and reasons for her actions. As a nanny and babysitter, I see the reason behind the behavior as much more important than imposing a punishment that doesn’t change a child’s mindset.

It's not "weird". The solution here is not to brainstorm ways to give the 7 year old more control unless the goal is to make sure absolutely no one will take the job in the future. I'm trying to imagine showing up and being briefed on what parts of the toddler's bedtime routine the 7 year old is actually in charge of.

Anonymous wrote:12.08 here. It’s weird to me that everybody is willing to dismiss this your girl’s feeling and reasons for her actions. As a nanny and babysitter, I see the reason behind the behavior as much more important than imposing a punishment that doesn’t change a child’s mindset.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:12.08 here. It’s weird to me that everybody is willing to dismiss this your girl’s feeling and reasons for her actions. As a nanny and babysitter, I see the reason behind the behavior as much more important than imposing a punishment that doesn’t change a child’s mindset.

First, I don’t see that at all. OP was falling all over herself explaining the older child’s thoughts and feelings.

Second, this isn’t a toddler - it’s a nearly seven year old who should be able to control destructive actions regardless of the reason. Locking a door is absolutely unacceptable and dangerous behavior. Not listening to an authoritative figure is also unacceptable regardless of the kid’s reasons, problems or motivations.

It’s not her mindset - it’s her ability to control her behavior. The kid is almost seven!!

Anonymous wrote:First + foremost, I would administer a proper punishment for your daughter and let her know the reason behind it.
Let her know if she continues on this path of misbehavior - the punishment will only get worse.

Make sure you remain consistent on this.
Very important!!

I would also have your daughter make a homemade apology card or letter to give to your babysitter ASAP.
To sweeten the deal, perhaps she can help you bake a nice pan of cookies, cupcakes or muffins as well.

Then every few days, remind her of her behavior around other grown-ups & teach her about respect.

It also wouldn’t be a bad idea to tell your sitter that you are taking a proactive approach on this.

Good luck.