Anonymous wrote:My impression is that there is hostility all around this relationship that has very little to do with Oreos. It sounds like a power struggle, and a likely rematch. OP, I'd let the Orea thing go (if that is really what is bugging you) and not let this issue tank your relationship if your AP is otherwise doing well. I'd add $5 to her stipend and tell her that you are generously giving her this money so she can treat herself to whatever items you don't care to have in your grocery cart but that you expect her to consume them outside of your childrens' company/knowledg e.

I agree this is a power struggle. But, I once had an AP that did similar things- throw fits about various minor issues to slowly push the envelop on the rules. Looking for harmony, I relented until I was miserable- I had trained her to sulk and throw tantrums in order to get her way. The final straw was her demand to bring random men home from bars. I said no, she cried and stomped around the house, I put in for rematch, and she was totally shocked.

OP, don't give in. Don't relent. This isn't the oreos. You owe it to her to be up front about the fact that the rules are firm and you are willing to rematch over them. She can buy oreos and count chocula.

Your AP is an adult, you can’t treat her like a kid by restricting what she eats. A pack of cereals and or cookies are perfectly reasonable requests and it is for you to enforce rules regarding sugar with your children.

Would you ever refrain from eating a Cookie at a friend’s or anywhere else in case their kids or somebody else’s kids saw you and got jealous? Or do you feel entitled to eat what you want as an adult and expect parents to enforce their individual rules regarding sugar? One of the privileges of being an adult is eating what you want, explain that to your children. AP is an adult she gets to eat sugar, you are not, you can’t. That’s very simple.

You wouldn’t let them drink wine if they wanted to and would have no qualms reinforcing that rule so do the same with Oreos and a pack of sugary cereals.

Hearing the word no won’t kill your kids I promise (though they might act like it for a minute!)

Anonymous wrote:My impression is that there is hostility all around this relationship that has very little to do with Oreos. It sounds like a power struggle, and a likely rematch.

This!
If it's in the handbook that HF does not provide junkfood, this is one of the easiest conversations ever. "Sorry AP, as we have stated in our handbook, we don't buy xyz because we don't want the kids to have it and we want you to be a good role model. Feel free to buy it from your stipend and keep it in your room. Just please make sure the kids don't get into it and don't share it with them."

Seriously? If you want to keep her, if you want her to be happy and feel appreciated just buy her a stupid $5 party sized box of Oreos. Tell her not to share them and keep them out of the kids' sight. Buy her the cereal she is asking for (new-to-her US foods is also part of sharing your culture, even if you don't aprove) and put it on the top shelf of the pantry, where your kids can't reach (and teach your kids that there are certain foods that are adult only, you also don't want them to get into your wine or something you have bought for yourself). She is not asking for smoked salmon, caviar and steak for an afternoon snack. She is asking for cheap, unhealthy cookies. This is such a non-topic that I can't believe that this is a hill anyone wants to die on. You can police what your children eat, to a limit. This is your right as a parent (you still can't stop them from sharing snacks at school or trading their full grain low fat cottage cheese and sliced pear sandwich for their friend's pb&j on white bread). She is an adult. Yes, she could buy the stupid cookies herself. But really? This is just too pathetic to be the core of the issue.

Also, snacks are part of "board". Most young adults cannot live off three set meals a day and need/want to snack inbetween. I don't think we's be discussing if "snacks" were considered "board" if we were talking bananas. At least I hope we wouldn't. (I know we would) Heck, I want to be able to snack whenever I feel like it. If I am hungry in the afternoon I go to the fridge and grab a joghurt or an apple or, yes, a cookie. Or two. Or three. Because thankfully, as an adult, that is something I get to chose to do. Even knowing it's unhealthy and I am making bad choices. Cookies and cereal? Totally valid request. Caviar and Dom Perignon? Drama llama.

We too host bro-pairs after 4 female APs.

Our last one would eat about 6 eggs per day, 2 chicken breasts or 2 burgers, 2 apples/2 bananas and any other fruit we had; and still eat meals with us.

He would suck down 3-4 bottled waters, 2-3 sparkling waters and 1-2 gatorade bottles a day.

We have tons of junk food, kids are not that in to it so not a big deal for us. One of the kids likes oreos after dinner now and again.

I agree with PP that your kids have a problem with self control/discipline more than the AP asking for pretty normal type food/snacks.

Seriously? Just buy her some oreos and tell her to keep them in her bedroom.

My impression is that there is hostility all around this relationship that has very little to do with Oreos. It sounds like a power struggle, and a likely rematch. OP, I'd let the Orea thing go (if that is really what is bugging you) and not let this issue tank your relationship if your AP is otherwise doing well. I'd add $5 to her stipend and tell her that you are generously giving her this money so she can treat herself to whatever items you don't care to have in your grocery cart but that you expect her to consume them outside of your childrens' company/knowledge.

Yes, and I take her to a supermarket with products from her home country and let her buy whatever.

I'm curious, am I one of the few HMs that lets their AP do shopping for the family? For bulk items, like meat, I go to Costco, but for a lot of our other food items, our AP does the shopping. She likes to cook, and likes doing the shopping. I just hand over $30-$40 and tell her to get some veggies and whatever else she might like to use for cooking. She could be getting Oreos or whatever and keeping them in her room. I don't know because I don't care about checking the receipt, and I don't care if she is eating Oreos in her room. Works well for us, I don't want to go to the store! Do other HFs really go to the store with list of items from the AP?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should buy her the food that she wants and tell your kids to deal with it. Sounds like the problem is your kids and not the AP. She is an adult and she can choose her own food. Teach your kids that they are not allowed to eat those sugary treats.

Yes, she chooses her own snacks and should pay for her own snacks, she is an ADULT. That's what adults do. You should ask me to buy your snacks.

Actually, most ADULTS provide all of their own food, but this particular adults has signed up for a program that is supposed to provide her room and board. I realize that this is getting away from the intent of the original post, but I'm shocked that there are host families who don't think that they should provide snacks for their au pair.

Be shocked...the AP is getting room and board. I suppose a $68 jar of Caviar and Dom Perignon would be consider "board" too.

Come on drama llama, you really don’t see the difference between caviar and breakfast cereal? The AP asked for breakfast cereal and cheap cookies, both of which fall easily in meals and snacks and are by no means expensive. They are cheaper than if she asked for fresh fruit - you can buy 1000 oreos for the cost of 4 apples. She made an entirely reasonable request, OP is trying to police what she eats because it might tempt her kids and force some parenting.

Yeah... feed her all the junk food she desires. Her body.

Anonymous wrote:You are cheap. Complaining she wants a certain cereals and not provide it for her because you don’t eat it? Just let the poor girl go to better family and stop hosting. Thank you.

Truth be told, the understanding is that AP eats what the family eats. However, what she is requesting won't bankrupt a family. If it were my AP I would purchase them. My AP eats lots of things my kids or I do not eat- we have never purchased Nutella and Ramen until my AP arrived. My 4 year old knows that these items are not for their consumption.


Consider getting her some from the big box store, it will last a long time (hopefully). She is more likely to do a great job if she is happy.

Anonymous wrote:You are cheap. Complaining she wants a certain cereals and not provide it for her because you don’t eat it? Just let the poor girl go to better family and stop hosting. Thank you.

This isn't fair. It seems like there are two sets of parents on here, with one set having limits and the other providing their APs whatever they want. I wish I allowed MYSELF to get whatever I want but I don't. At it's heart this is a cultural exchange. Someday if my kids are APs overseas I would not expect their HFs to provide them everything they ask for.

You are cheap. Complaining she wants a certain cereals and not provide it for her because you don’t eat it? Just let the poor girl go to better family and stop hosting. Thank you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should buy her the food that she wants and tell your kids to deal with it. Sounds like the problem is your kids and not the AP. She is an adult and she can choose her own food. Teach your kids that they are not allowed to eat those sugary treats.

Yes, she chooses her own snacks and should pay for her own snacks, she is an ADULT. That's what adults do. You should ask me to buy your snacks.

Actually, most ADULTS provide all of their own food, but this particular adults has signed up for a program that is supposed to provide her room and board. I realize that this is getting away from the intent of the original post, but I'm shocked that there are host families who don't think that they should provide snacks for their au pair.

Be shocked...the AP is getting room and board. I suppose a $68 jar of Caviar and Dom Perignon would be consider "board" too.

Come on drama llama, you really don’t see the difference between caviar and breakfast cereal? The AP asked for breakfast cereal and cheap cookies, both of which fall easily in meals and snacks and are by no means expensive. They are cheaper than if she asked for fresh fruit - you can buy 1000 oreos for the cost of 4 apples. She made an entirely reasonable request, OP is trying to police what she eats because it might tempt her kids and force some parenting.

Where are people on this site buying their apples?!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should buy her the food that she wants and tell your kids to deal with it. Sounds like the problem is your kids and not the AP. She is an adult and she can choose her own food. Teach your kids that they are not allowed to eat those sugary treats.

Yes, she chooses her own snacks and should pay for her own snacks, she is an ADULT. That's what adults do. You should ask me to buy your snacks.

Actually, most ADULTS provide all of their own food, but this particular adults has signed up for a program that is supposed to provide her room and board. I realize that this is getting away from the intent of the original post, but I'm shocked that there are host families who don't think that they should provide snacks for their au pair.

Be shocked...the AP is getting room and board. I suppose a $68 jar of Caviar and Dom Perignon would be consider "board" too.

Come on drama llama, you really don’t see the difference between caviar and breakfast cereal? The AP asked for breakfast cereal and cheap cookies, both of which fall easily in meals and snacks and are by no means expensive. They are cheaper than if she asked for fresh fruit - you can buy 1000 oreos for the cost of 4 apples. She made an entirely reasonable request, OP is trying to police what she eats because it might tempt her kids and force some parenting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should buy her the food that she wants and tell your kids to deal with it. Sounds like the problem is your kids and not the AP. She is an adult and she can choose her own food. Teach your kids that they are not allowed to eat those sugary treats.

Yes, she chooses her own snacks and should pay for her own snacks, she is an ADULT. That's what adults do. You should ask me to buy your snacks.

Actually, most ADULTS provide all of their own food, but this particular adults has signed up for a program that is supposed to provide her room and board. I realize that this is getting away from the intent of the original post, but I'm shocked that there are host families who don't think that they should provide snacks for their au pair.

Be shocked...the AP is getting room and board. I suppose a $68 jar of Caviar and Dom Perignon would be consider "board" too.