Anonymous
Post 06/26/2019 08:17     Subject: Au Pair dating life
Anonymous wrote:Hopefully au pairs read this forum and learn to hide their private lives. I’ve been with my nanny family for 9 years and they know NOTHING about my private life. Blocked on all social media and change the subject when personal questions come up. The family stopped asking years ago.


This person sleeps two doors away from my bedroom and in the bedroom next to my child. She eats dinner with my family at least 5 nights a week. She shares holidays and birthdays with my family. We pay for her cell phone, classes and provide her with a car. All this and you're telling me I should know "NOTHING" about her private life? My Au Pair in not my employee, and isn't treated as such. If I wanted an employee, I would have hired a nanny that goes back to their own home every day.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2019 06:35     Subject: Au Pair dating life
Anonymous wrote:Hopefully au pairs read this forum and learn to hide their private lives. I’ve been with my nanny family for 9 years and they know NOTHING about my private life. Blocked on all social media and change the subject when personal questions come up. The family stopped asking years ago.


But (and I am saying this as an exAP), you are living on your own and the family you work for is not responsible for your well being in your time off. APs are living with a host family, as part of an exchange program, in a foreign country. They might be adults (at least on paper) but their parents expect their host parents to care for them and to keep them safe. Imagine OP's AP got hurt, assaulted, raped, killed while on a one night stand / Tinder date. How would the HF tell her parents that they were aware of her risky behaviour but didn't talk to her about it? I am not saying AP can't go on Tinder dates or sleep with whomever she wants (though she might not want to rely on condoms alone but go on the pill or get an implant or any other type of additional protection) but she might need to hear how to do all this in the safest way possible.

Plus, if the AP doesn't seem to have TMI boundaries... who knows which information she might be giving out to the guys she meets? I take it you are not a live-in nanny so all information you give out is your own - it's your phone number, it's your address, it's your license plate number. You are driving your car, it's your phone. AP lives with her HF. It's their address she may be giving out to stangers. It's to their house she may be followed by a lunatic. It's their privacy she may be putting out there. For you it's yours. The chance of you (obviously being a private person) telling a one-night stand where your nanny family lives, what they do for a living, how many cars they have, how much money they make etc. is much lower than for somebody without a privacy filter, living in a house that is not theirs.

It's good that she is sharing her location with her friends. OP, do you think she'd be willing to tell you which friend she is sharing that information with and provide you with their phone number? Just in case she doesn't show up for work in the morning and you can't reach her by phone?
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2019 05:13     Subject: Au Pair dating life
Just act like you would with your own daughter.
Tell her she can do whatever she wants but needs to be safe.
The fact she sleeps with complete strangers at their place would absolutely question her ability to watch children.
I wouldn't let it go.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2019 02:39     Subject: Au Pair dating life
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Hopefully au pairs read this forum and learn to hide their private lives. I’ve been with my nanny family for 9 years and they know NOTHING about my private life. Blocked on all social media and change the subject when personal questions come up. The family stopped asking years ago.


I know us host families are just so mean! How dare we question the judgement of the person we entrust our children to! How dare we want to know our cars aren’t getting driven to shady parts of town! How dare we get worried that some shady person will follow our au pair home after they spend 1 day getting to know them. How dare we ask each other for advice about these matters! I mean it’s not like Au pairs or nannies ever want to talk about their families and question the things they do amongst themselves.

Get over yourself and go to a nanny forum.


You sound fun
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2019 23:09     Subject: Au Pair dating life
My AP tells me there are quite a few girls in the area who constantly do Tinder hookups. For fun, not money... I guess that’s one side of cultural exchange...
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2019 22:01     Subject: Au Pair dating life
Anonymous wrote:Hopefully au pairs read this forum and learn to hide their private lives. I’ve been with my nanny family for 9 years and they know NOTHING about my private life. Blocked on all social media and change the subject when personal questions come up. The family stopped asking years ago. [/quote

Au pairs live with host families. It's a different dynamic.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2019 21:41     Subject: Au Pair dating life
Anonymous wrote:Hopefully au pairs read this forum and learn to hide their private lives. I’ve been with my nanny family for 9 years and they know NOTHING about my private life. Blocked on all social media and change the subject when personal questions come up. The family stopped asking years ago.


I know us host families are just so mean! How dare we question the judgement of the person we entrust our children to! How dare we want to know our cars aren’t getting driven to shady parts of town! How dare we get worried that some shady person will follow our au pair home after they spend 1 day getting to know them. How dare we ask each other for advice about these matters! I mean it’s not like Au pairs or nannies ever want to talk about their families and question the things they do amongst themselves.

Get over yourself and go to a nanny forum.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2019 20:20     Subject: Au Pair dating life
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Hopefully au pairs read this forum and learn to hide their private lives. I’ve been with my nanny family for 9 years and they know NOTHING about my private life. Blocked on all social media and change the subject when personal questions come up. The family stopped asking years ago.


Do you live in thier home? Part of the au pair experience is supposed to be being part of a host family. So I agree private lives should be kept private, but you can't be super walled off either because you never really get to know the person. I heard through the grapevine that our current AP is planning a wedding during her travel month and we haven't heard a peep about it from her. Is it her right to keep it from us? Yes. Do I find it strange? Absolutely--since we'd be 100% supportive. But whatever.


Totally hear you, getting married without telling your HM is a thing especially with Brazilian APs. It happened to two HFs I know. One came home one day (after a few months into her second extension) and told the family she is married in leaving in a few days. So start looking for backup plan because as soon she is married she is gone.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2019 20:01     Subject: Au Pair dating life
Anonymous wrote:Hopefully au pairs read this forum and learn to hide their private lives. I’ve been with my nanny family for 9 years and they know NOTHING about my private life. Blocked on all social media and change the subject when personal questions come up. The family stopped asking years ago.


Do you live in thier home? Part of the au pair experience is supposed to be being part of a host family. So I agree private lives should be kept private, but you can't be super walled off either because you never really get to know the person. I heard through the grapevine that our current AP is planning a wedding during her travel month and we haven't heard a peep about it from her. Is it her right to keep it from us? Yes. Do I find it strange? Absolutely--since we'd be 100% supportive. But whatever.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2019 17:48     Subject: Re:Au Pair dating life
Honestly, I couldn't handle knowing this and having her in my home, using my car, and waiting for that "adsfsdfsdfsd" text. It's just plain stupid --no matter what the state of dating in the US or elsewhere is. Definitely start a "car curfew," if you haven't got one now. It would be 100% different if she weren't living with you and using your vehicle. I'd probably rematch if she doesn't see this as a problem. Sooner or later, it will end badly, and you don't want one of the one night guys showing up at your door.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2019 16:44     Subject: Au Pair dating life
Hopefully au pairs read this forum and learn to hide their private lives. I’ve been with my nanny family for 9 years and they know NOTHING about my private life. Blocked on all social media and change the subject when personal questions come up. The family stopped asking years ago.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2019 14:30     Subject: Au Pair dating life
Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately that is how dating in the U.S. is these days. You know, like in the movies! If you have a good handbook with rules (like she should be home 8 hours before shift starts, no car staying overnight, so bringing people home or sharing your address etc), just bring it back and let her read it and tell her those rules still apply (even for her second year) and maybe STOP listening about her sex life, because you are not going to like what you hear.
The other way of seeing this is that, many APs do that but don't share the info with HM. I think One problem is TMI is been shared.


Yeah, I learned my lesson about asking what I thought was a harmless question of, "did you stay the night at a friends house last night?" I was just asking as general conversation, I wasn't asking to check up on her, but wasn't expecting the "I had a one night stand." reply. I do like that she is so comfortable with me, but yeah it was TMI. She will also say things to like, "I pooped 3 times today" she doesn't seem to have a TMI boundary. She told me she would never tell her own mom about it, but told me and her friends. I'm hoping that since she is telling her friends that they will be the ones to tell her this isn't a great idea. She also said she has been sharing her location with her friends, so they know where she is. Last night before she left, she told me she would text me something like "adsfsdfsdfsd" if I needed to look at where she is and call 911. Not a great plan.... but I guess it's something.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2019 14:07     Subject: Au Pair dating life
Unfortunately that is how dating in the U.S. is these days. You know, like in the movies! If you have a good handbook with rules (like she should be home 8 hours before shift starts, no car staying overnight, so bringing people home or sharing your address etc), just bring it back and let her read it and tell her those rules still apply (even for her second year) and maybe STOP listening about her sex life, because you are not going to like what you hear.
The other way of seeing this is that, many APs do that but don't share the info with HM. I think One problem is TMI is been shared.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2019 13:59     Subject: Au Pair dating life
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is why people don't like to be honest. People like you OP is why kids hide stuff from their parents. The most that you can do is educate her on safe sex.


I don't think she needs the safe sex talk from me, I think that would come across as insulting. I understand where you are coming come, but she obviously feels like she can be honest with me if she has told me all of this. I didn't parent her, I just listened and told her that I personally wouldn't go over to some guys house that I had never met before. I also was asking very honestly if this is a normal thing now. I realize I could be being a prude. I am just having a hard time thinking this is safe behavior. I would tell me best friend, my sister, or my daughter the same thing.


It isn't safe, but ultimately it's her body, her choice who she wants to share it with. I'd have the talk about making good decisions and of course never inviting anyone to your home, etc, and then move on. Provided she is still safe with your daughter and not talking openly about these choices with your kid, then i'd let it go, unless you are so upset about how she is choosing to act that you will begin to treat her differently.


I agree with you. I think we will just handle it right now by telling her she is never allowed to have someone over we haven't met and she isn't allowed to give out our information (like our full names) My daughter is only a year old, so that isn't a factor yet. I'll enforce the car curfew and home 8 hours before your shift if she continues to do things like return home 30 mins before she is on duty. I will also not ask about how her dates go anymore, because I just really don't want to hear about it. This is why I don't watch reality tv shows, lol

It honestly does make me lose some respect for her, but I wouldn't treat her differently because of it.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2019 13:50     Subject: Au Pair dating life
Yes this is online app dating. My best friend just got divorced after 18 years. She meets and sleeps with multiple men a week. Some times 2-3 a day. It’s mind boggling.