MB here.

She cannot tell you not to use the letter of reference. I would "ghost" her at this point.

If you were interviewing with me and I wanted your references you could tell me which employers you've listed and why. If I ask about that 3 year position you could tell me that you left on good terms, and provide me with the reference letter. If I wanted to talk w/ her then you can explain more - appropriately and carefully of course. You could also say that you left the position because you believe in positive, collaborative working relationships between parents and nannies and you were never able to fully achieve that in that position.

If I were otherwise impressed w/ you and you have ample other strong references, not being able to speak w/ that one employer would be ok. If I pushed you on it and you told me that you just couldn't build the working relationship you wanted, despite trying for three years, and that recently you were contacted by that mother who was angry that you hadn't maintained contact w/ the kids, I would see the crazy factor at work and not hold it against you.

Don't lie. Do use the reference letter if necessary but don't provide contact info. Don't be afraid to tell an employer (who seems like the kind of person you want to work with) that the fit w/ a prior position just wasn't right but that's why you're so interested in working with me - now you know how to recognize what does work well for you, etc... And don't be afraid to tell a careful version of the truth - that the mother tried to rescind the recommendation recently because she felt you should have worked to maintain a relationship - which is a mercurial change of emotion and unprofessional attitude that speaks to the reason that position wasn't a longer term fit for you.

Don't overthink it OP.

You can reply to the former employer and say something brief like "I received your email and understand that you no longer wish to serve as a reference for me. I will not give your contact information to any future employers. All best to you and little dick, jane and fido."

Most people that rely so heavily on nannies are dancing with some level of crazy anyways. They think a nanny no longer being around is damaging to their kids yet don’t think it’s damaging for them to barely see their own kids all week.

I’d say good riddance and keep pushing the letter if you’d like. It’s your property legally and was gifted to you. She can take it back. What a psycho lol

I’d still use the letter of recommendation. She had no grounds to stop you and anyone calling her would already know that her current opinion is based on her spoilt entitled behavior.

I have a family that I had to ghost on myself because the former MB was pushy and treated me like her little sister. I was so exhausted in the next position, plus school and new nieces and nephews that I frankly did not have time ever to visit them after a few visits. The entire family was too comfortable with me and I finally blocked them.

I would show prospective employers the letter of recommendation, then explain (w/not too much detail) what occurred toward the end.

Do not talk negatively about your former MomBoss, just simply say she was upset about the situation regarding her children after you left.

I wouldn’t recommend giving out her contact info because it is likely that she will likely choose to speak sourly on your job performance as well out of anger.

Keep it short + sweet and don’t dwell too much on this.

I wish you only the best going forward OP!
Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are way overthinking this. Forget it and move on. List it on your resume, don't give out the reference and forget it. You do not need to keep up with the family. This is a paid job. It is nice but not a requirement. Give current references.

Unfortunately the agency I’m working with wanted phone numbers for each family that is listed on my resume. I also think it’s a fair assumption that families may want to (and should be able to) contact any family who was a recent or long term employer.

I spoke to a rep from the agency yesterday and they were very understanding about the situation. The other families they spoke to represented me well so I don’t think I have to worry about whatever disgruntled MB said.

If everything works out with the agency, and I work exclusively through them for the next few years, then hopefully the next time I present my resume to a future employer, a family from 2016 will no longer be relavant. Because I would LOVE to “forget it and move on.”

Most agencies understand. My agency lets me tailor my references to what is relevant to a particular family.

Sorry about the double posts ????

Anonymous wrote:You are way overthinking this. Forget it and move on. List it on your resume, don't give out the reference and forget it. You do not need to keep up with the family. This is a paid job. It is nice but not a requirement. Give current references.

Unfortunately the agency I’m working with wanted phone numbers for each family that is listed on my resume. I also think it’s a fair assumption that families may want to (and should be able to) contact any family who was a recent or long term employer.

I spoke to a rep from the agency yesterday and they were very understanding about the situation. The other families they spoke to represented me well so I don’t think I have to worry about whatever disgruntled MB said.

If everything works out with the agency, and I work exclusively through them for the next few years, then hopefully the next time I present my resume to a future employer, a family from 2016 will no longer be relavant. Because I would LOVE to “forget it and move on.”

Anonymous wrote:You are way overthinking this. Forget it and move on. List it on your resume, don't give out the reference and forget it. You do not need to keep up with the family. This is a paid job. It is nice but not a requirement. Give current references.

Clearly if it were as easy as forgetting it and moving on I would have but the agency I’m working with requires phone numbers for every family listed on my resume. It’s also a fair assumption that parents would like to and should be able to contact past employers if they’re on your resume...

I spoke with the agency yesterday and they were understanding of the situation, so hopefully I have nothing to worry about at this point. But thanks for the helpful, non judgmental comments.