Clean up yourself instead of AP. Easy solution.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have about a month left with my current insecure AP who has to be told explicitly how to do every single thing. She is just ok with my kids but she is very kind and her actions come from an honest place.

It has been the longest year of my life on my 5th AP. But I would never have sent her to rematch over it. Sending her to rematch and possibly having to go home because of her irritating habits and lack of confidence to make any decisions seems wrong to me because in the grand scheme of things it really is small stuff and my kids are safe.

With all of that said, I feel for you OP. I have smiled my way through it and it’s exhausting! I will breathe a sigh of relief when I drop her off at the airport.

From one of the first kids who had APs starting when the legal program began in the 80's: getting a fresh start and hoping for a "perfect" new AP is one of the best things about the AP program for the families. Unfortunately, when you have someone whom you or your children are really attached to, it's also the worst thing about the program. For this reason, I would never rematch for minor irrititants; some of the APs who weren't "perfect" caregivers turned out to be lifelong friends to me and my parents.

So you’re reflecting from the point of view of a child, and not a host parent? My kids have very different reasons for liking or disliking their APs, and it’s up to the parents to decide what the dealbreakers might be. My young kids aren’t concerned about car safety, texting while driving,etc, but to me they are more than just mild irritants.

PP here: Yes, of course, safety and reliability are paramount (though texting was not an issue back then). I'm talking about things like personality issues, not tidying up properly, APs helping themselves to the Ben & Jerry's, maybe not getting the car back before curfew, or going out too much (or too little) for the HF's tastes. Thankfully these never occurred with the same caregiver, and were a little easier to tolerate as a result. We currently employ a nanny, and some of these little nits apply there as well, though she is not a live-in and drives her own car. I considered an AP but thought a nanny would spare my kids the yearly transitions.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have about a month left with my current insecure AP who has to be told explicitly how to do every single thing. She is just ok with my kids but she is very kind and her actions come from an honest place.

It has been the longest year of my life on my 5th AP. But I would never have sent her to rematch over it. Sending her to rematch and possibly having to go home because of her irritating habits and lack of confidence to make any decisions seems wrong to me because in the grand scheme of things it really is small stuff and my kids are safe.

With all of that said, I feel for you OP. I have smiled my way through it and it’s exhausting! I will breathe a sigh of relief when I drop her off at the airport.

From one of the first kids who had APs starting when the legal program began in the 80's: getting a fresh start and hoping for a "perfect" new AP is one of the best things about the AP program for the families. Unfortunately, when you have someone whom you or your children are really attached to, it's also the worst thing about the program. For this reason, I would never rematch for minor irrititants; some of the APs who weren't "perfect" caregivers turned out to be lifelong friends to me and my parents.

So you’re reflecting from the point of view of a child, and not a host parent? My kids have very different reasons for liking or disliking their APs, and it’s up to the parents to decide what the dealbreakers might be. My young kids aren’t concerned about car safety, texting while driving,etc, but to me they are more than just mild irritants.

Anonymous wrote:I have about a month left with my current insecure AP who has to be told explicitly how to do every single thing. She is just ok with my kids but she is very kind and her actions come from an honest place.

It has been the longest year of my life on my 5th AP. But I would never have sent her to rematch over it. Sending her to rematch and possibly having to go home because of her irritating habits and lack of confidence to make any decisions seems wrong to me because in the grand scheme of things it really is small stuff and my kids are safe.

With all of that said, I feel for you OP. I have smiled my way through it and it’s exhausting! I will breathe a sigh of relief when I drop her off at the airport.

From one of the first kids who had APs starting when the legal program began in the 80's: getting a fresh start and hoping for a "perfect" new AP is one of the best things about the AP program for the families. Unfortunately, when you have someone whom you or your children are really attached to, it's also the worst thing about the program. For this reason, I would never rematch for minor irrititants; some of the APs who weren't "perfect" caregivers turned out to be lifelong friends to me and my parents.

I have about a month left with my current insecure AP who has to be told explicitly how to do every single thing. She is just ok with my kids but she is very kind and her actions come from an honest place.

It has been the longest year of my life on my 5th AP. But I would never have sent her to rematch over it. Sending her to rematch and possibly having to go home because of her irritating habits and lack of confidence to make any decisions seems wrong to me because in the grand scheme of things it really is small stuff and my kids are safe.

With all of that said, I feel for you OP. I have smiled my way through it and it’s exhausting! I will breathe a sigh of relief when I drop her off at the airport.

I feel so much better after reading all this. We have similar “little” things that bother me and my husband. It’s a challenge to let things go for the greater good (safety and good childcare) . An no I’m not bonded well with her , agree if initial bond was better we would not be as bothered

I had an AP similar to yours, and no matter how detailed I was (lists, post-it notes everywhere, reminders, texts, etc, II tried everything before going into rematch),she kept making the same clueless, sloppy, thoughtless mistakes. In the end, she wasn’t capable enough to make hosting her worthwhile. I’ve had amazing APs who I loved having in my home, and meh APs who did things that were frustrating and annoying, but I let it go because I still trusted them to carry out their basic responsibility. If you don’t trust this AP to do laundry, feed your baby, keep baby safe, and use sound judgement, then go into rematch.
Honestly, I’ve only met one AP out of dozens (my APs many friends) who I thought was capable of taking care of an infant, and she was a quick, mature, lovely 26 year old.

1) That sounds absolutely maddening. I find that I go back to the Anne of Green Gables quote about how she makes a lot of mistakes but they are always new mistakes. I can work with someone who has a good attitude and is good with the kids and takes feedback. I can’t work with someone who is unsafe or cruel to the kids or someone who either does not want to change or simply cannot change at least a few irksome behaviors.

2) I think you need to decide: can you suck it up for another 9 months or do you need to address it? If the latter, the “nice” way you are addressing it is not working so I would start with a sit-down bad-cop I-need-you-to-listen-and-change kind of conversation.

3) I will add that I think one can be picky about APs inverse to how many hours we use. If she is working the full 45 hours, you may need to let more things go (although it sounds like your issue is her doing too much, badly, rather than not doing enough so that makes a difference).

We have had only one rockstar out of 5 that hit every checkbox.
I think that is normal - I just accept that some will be great at a this or that; but most will not rinse dishes before putting them In the dishwasher no matter how many times I tell them; or mix up older child’s clothes with younger ones; or (most common) not have a clue about cooking anything.

I focus on those positives they bring; and if there are not enough of those rematch.

Anonymous wrote:AP might not know where everything goes. Can you make labels for where kitchen and play supplies go so she can use it to guide her? Additionally, if you get that upset by things being in the wrong place, have a "junk" bin that she can place kids toys when she doesn't know where they go. Once a week (or some regular time interval), work with her for 30 minutes to show her where these items go and add names to labels as needed.

For clothes, I like checklist idea. Another might be to remove kids nice clothes and just keep the cheaper clothes on days AP has them. That way if something gets stained, it's not a huge deal. Alternatively, make a separate laundry bin for clothes that need special treatment (i.e, stain removal). At end of night, you could say I noticed X's shirt looks stained today, so please add it to the special treatment laundry bin and not the general laundry pile. Then make a plan for how that special treatment laundry bin gets done...

I asked her not to do the kids clothes laundry anymore, only sort and put away the clean clothes. Two weeks later, I caught her walking downstairs with the kids laundry basket. This may happen again in another few weeks, which will drive me up the wall when it happens.

I do not know how to be clearer than what I originally said: please do NOT do the kids laundry. I am going to do it on weekends. On Monday, you can put away the clean clothes.

There is no language barrier. She is fluent in English.

Anonymous wrote:I remember one time coming home and being delighted that the AP had cleaned and organized the toy room. It looked great. Until a bit later I realized that all she had done in scoop up random toys and costumes and games and put them in kitchen trash bags, which she tied closed and put in a closet.

O. M. G.

Op. This is exactly the kind of thing she would do. I would rather she did nothing because it pisses me off to spend extra time sorting and then being nice about trying to gently tell her what she did wrong. Then, it’s like she forgets about last time and repeats the incident in a slightly new way two weeks later. Rinse and repeat.

Maybe I just need to be blunt and mean by saying, you’re doing it wrong, stop it and never do it again. But this kinda feels like kicking the eager puppy who just wants to be helpful...

I remember one time coming home and being delighted that the AP had cleaned and organized the toy room. It looked great. Until a bit later I realized that all she had done in scoop up random toys and costumes and games and put them in kitchen trash bags, which she tied closed and put in a closet.

O. M. G.

AP might not know where everything goes. Can you make labels for where kitchen and play supplies go so she can use it to guide her? Additionally, if you get that upset by things being in the wrong place, have a "junk" bin that she can place kids toys when she doesn't know where they go. Once a week (or some regular time interval), work with her for 30 minutes to show her where these items go and add names to labels as needed.

For clothes, I like checklist idea. Another might be to remove kids nice clothes and just keep the cheaper clothes on days AP has them. That way if something gets stained, it's not a huge deal. Alternatively, make a separate laundry bin for clothes that need special treatment (i.e, stain removal). At end of night, you could say I noticed X's shirt looks stained today, so please add it to the special treatment laundry bin and not the general laundry pile. Then make a plan for how that special treatment laundry bin gets done...

Sounds like OP was saying the AP "cleans" by shoving stuff randomly in drawers, not that the AP is cleaning drawers. E.g. might be AP's responsibility to keep the kids' game room tidied up... so if there are some stray blocks, puzzle pieces, game pieces, etc. laying around, does "cleaning up" the game room consist of putting those things back where they belong (game pieces back in their game boxes, blocks in a bin with all the other blocks, etc.)... or just rounding up all those various unmatched items and collectively shoving them in a drawer and closing it? I think most would assume the former, and AP is executing the latter... if I'm understanding correctly.

My au pair is good enough for us. She is caring, thoughtful plays with my kids and my kids like her. Safe driver and a hard worker. Tidy, and does the jobs I ask of her.

This outweighs my annoyance that she NEVER leaves the house, isn't interested in making friends or the like.

It's a matter of picking your battles.