Anonymous
Post 02/22/2018 10:19     Subject: Re:Grandma wants nanny to not come to work
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We all went to therapy for a similar issue - but not as bad. DH, me, MIL and FIL all sat down with a therapist for three hours one Saturday morning. It was really good for everyone and MIL heard the therapist. We are in a relatively calm place right now so it worked.

I feel for your nanny getting "dismissed" by your MIL. And you can never, ever allow any "bad nanny" crap! Your child probably loves his/her nanny and stuff like that is very bad for your child as it denies his/her reality.



This is so true, OP. It does effect your kid's belief in his own feelings as well as make you and his father wrong in leaving him with a "bad" person. Trust that he will be taken care of always is one of the most important things you can instill in a young child.


+ 2
Anonymous
Post 02/22/2018 07:25     Subject: Re:Grandma wants nanny to not come to work
Anonymous wrote:We all went to therapy for a similar issue - but not as bad. DH, me, MIL and FIL all sat down with a therapist for three hours one Saturday morning. It was really good for everyone and MIL heard the therapist. We are in a relatively calm place right now so it worked.

I feel for your nanny getting "dismissed" by your MIL. And you can never, ever allow any "bad nanny" crap! Your child probably loves his/her nanny and stuff like that is very bad for your child as it denies his/her reality.



This is so true, OP. It does effect your kid's belief in his own feelings as well as make you and his father wrong in leaving him with a "bad" person. Trust that he will be taken care of always is one of the most important things you can instill in a young child.
Anonymous
Post 02/22/2018 03:07     Subject: Re:Grandma wants nanny to not come to work
Op, your mil is absolutely bonkers. Bless you and the nanny for putting up with this crap.
Anonymous
Post 02/21/2018 22:03     Subject: Re:Grandma wants nanny to not come to work
We all went to therapy for a similar issue - but not as bad. DH, me, MIL and FIL all sat down with a therapist for three hours one Saturday morning. It was really good for everyone and MIL heard the therapist. We are in a relatively calm place right now so it worked.

I feel for your nanny getting "dismissed" by your MIL. And you can never, ever allow any "bad nanny" crap! Your child probably loves his/her nanny and stuff like that is very bad for your child as it denies his/her reality.
Anonymous
Post 02/21/2018 21:51     Subject: Grandma wants nanny to not come to work
I agree that you need to take this to therapy with your DH. Make a plan where her visit minimally impacts you. E.g., you work from the office or from starbucks the week MIL is there. DH can decide to leave DD in MIL’s care and field frantic phone calls or he can have the nanny come and deal with MIL’s displeasure about that, but you ARE NOT DEALING WITH IT!
Anonymous
Post 02/21/2018 21:37     Subject: Grandma wants nanny to not come to work
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, we're back to the fact that your husband needs to deal with his mother.


This is the problem. As you can see on my original post:

1. MIL wants something.
2. We decline.
3. MIL throws a fit.
4. She doesn't speak to us for weeks/months.
5. FIL calls DH and say, "Somehow, you gotta call your mother."
6. DH calls.
7. They start talking again.
8. Lather. Rinse.Repeat.

So far, DH has not made it clear to his mother. Every time he has to do this, he contemplates about it for days. He's only really ever put his foot down once. The rest of the time, he does nothing, waits for things to blow over, then 5 happens.

We are still on Number 4. I anticipate 5 happening somehow soon.



But you're leaving out the part where DH deals with his mother when she is there. And facetimes with her. And sends her pictures. You stop. You tell YOUR DH "no." Then he can take off work to cover when she can't handle the baby, or you don't even contemplate not having the nanny come over. And he can handle every whine and complaint. Call him at work. Take off yourself and work somewhere else. Take the baby and go somewhere. Whatever. If she can't accommodate you at all, then you stop, too. She's his mommy. He can handle her. He can schedule FT, or field every single teary phone call. YOU STOP PICKING UP THE PHONE. When DH says, "I'm not there! Can't you just ..." You say "NO." You have this fight, and make him step up. It's not annoying enough for him.

And if he wants to do all this, and it doesn't bother him that much, then hooray! Everyone is happy.
Anonymous
Post 02/21/2018 20:49     Subject: Grandma wants nanny to not come to work
Anonymous wrote:OP, we're back to the fact that your husband needs to deal with his mother.


This is the problem. As you can see on my original post:

1. MIL wants something.
2. We decline.
3. MIL throws a fit.
4. She doesn't speak to us for weeks/months.
5. FIL calls DH and say, "Somehow, you gotta call your mother."
6. DH calls.
7. They start talking again.
8. Lather. Rinse.Repeat.

So far, DH has not made it clear to his mother. Every time he has to do this, he contemplates about it for days. He's only really ever put his foot down once. The rest of the time, he does nothing, waits for things to blow over, then 5 happens.

We are still on Number 4. I anticipate 5 happening somehow soon.

Anonymous
Post 02/21/2018 20:09     Subject: Re:Grandma wants nanny to not come to work
If Granma doesn't want Nanny around she doesn't get to leave after one hour.
Anonymous
Post 02/21/2018 18:40     Subject: Grandma wants nanny to not come to work
OP, we're back to the fact that your husband needs to deal with his mother.
Anonymous
Post 02/21/2018 16:56     Subject: Grandma wants nanny to not come to work
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why does Grandma need the whole day? Tell her the nanny will be in at 10, or whatever. I'm sure your nanny will enjoy sleeping in, even if it's not the same as having the whole day off.


On call poster here. This sounds like a better plan.


I don't want to have to try shifting the nanny's schedule. Is this what you mean? IE Have the nanny start work later so meaning, she's also off at a later time?

Why do I have to make changes to accommodate this? I mean, when you are a house guest, you kinda have to comply to the house rules. You don't get to call the shots. I mean, we're already juggling parenthood, full time jobs, household chores, etc. and having house guests around even if you don't have to entertain them is already going out of our way. It disrupts our routine and even more disruptive when MIL drops DD and decide to do something else.

Also, when you want to visit someone and want to stay in their house, you normally ask what schedule works for them. Isn't this what people do? You don't just say, "I want to be there March and April" and if that doesn't work for them, you hang up the phone. Who does that?


Is this OP?

Weren't you giving the nanny the whole day off? How is that not accommodating grandma?

I get it -- you don't want her to come at all. That's one solution. But if you can't make that happen, there are alternatives to giving the nanny the whole day off and then having to take over yourself.

And no, I was not suggesting she stay later. I was suggesting that there is something in between "nanny all day" and "no nanny," and that might be "nanny starts late to give grandma time to remember why she doesn't really want to be the child care provider all day."



Sorry, for the misunderstanding. We actually would invite her before. The "I don't want her to come at all" is only because if she has some demands that we couldn't meet, she flips out.

The nanny only comes at 9am and leaves at 3pm. So grandma does have the morning before 9 and after 3pm. But she wants the nanny gone all day and all week. Nanny doesn't come to work Fridays too, but the week MIL was here, she went wine tasting instead.

So I don't know what the answer to the question "why grandma wants nanny gone the whole day" is.
Anonymous
Post 02/21/2018 16:27     Subject: Grandma wants nanny to not come to work
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why does Grandma need the whole day? Tell her the nanny will be in at 10, or whatever. I'm sure your nanny will enjoy sleeping in, even if it's not the same as having the whole day off.


On call poster here. This sounds like a better plan.


I don't want to have to try shifting the nanny's schedule. Is this what you mean? IE Have the nanny start work later so meaning, she's also off at a later time?

Why do I have to make changes to accommodate this? I mean, when you are a house guest, you kinda have to comply to the house rules. You don't get to call the shots. I mean, we're already juggling parenthood, full time jobs, household chores, etc. and having house guests around even if you don't have to entertain them is already going out of our way. It disrupts our routine and even more disruptive when MIL drops DD and decide to do something else.

Also, when you want to visit someone and want to stay in their house, you normally ask what schedule works for them. Isn't this what people do? You don't just say, "I want to be there March and April" and if that doesn't work for them, you hang up the phone. Who does that?


Is this OP?

Weren't you giving the nanny the whole day off? How is that not accommodating grandma?

I get it -- you don't want her to come at all. That's one solution. But if you can't make that happen, there are alternatives to giving the nanny the whole day off and then having to take over yourself.

And no, I was not suggesting she stay later. I was suggesting that there is something in between "nanny all day" and "no nanny," and that might be "nanny starts late to give grandma time to remember why she doesn't really want to be the child care provider all day."
Anonymous
Post 02/21/2018 15:33     Subject: Grandma wants nanny to not come to work
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why does Grandma need the whole day? Tell her the nanny will be in at 10, or whatever. I'm sure your nanny will enjoy sleeping in, even if it's not the same as having the whole day off.


On call poster here. This sounds like a better plan.


I don't want to have to try shifting the nanny's schedule. Is this what you mean? IE Have the nanny start work later so meaning, she's also off at a later time?

Why do I have to make changes to accommodate this? I mean, when you are a house guest, you kinda have to comply to the house rules. You don't get to call the shots. I mean, we're already juggling parenthood, full time jobs, household chores, etc. and having house guests around even if you don't have to entertain them is already going out of our way. It disrupts our routine and even more disruptive when MIL drops DD and decide to do something else.

Also, when you want to visit someone and want to stay in their house, you normally ask what schedule works for them. Isn't this what people do? You don't just say, "I want to be there March and April" and if that doesn't work for them, you hang up the phone. Who does that?
Anonymous
Post 02/21/2018 15:19     Subject: Grandma wants nanny to not come to work
Anonymous wrote:Why does Grandma need the whole day? Tell her the nanny will be in at 10, or whatever. I'm sure your nanny will enjoy sleeping in, even if it's not the same as having the whole day off.


She lives in a different State. I think because she doesn't like the fact that she isn't the primary caregiver of DD when we, the parents, are at work. When she FaceTime with DD, she even says, "Bad nanny!" I don't even know what exactly the nanny did to her.

The nanny isn't even off at 5. The nanny is off by 3 pm so she has the entire afternoon/evening (plus the morning before 9 am), but she just doesn't want the nanny around at all.
Anonymous
Post 02/21/2018 14:58     Subject: Grandma wants nanny to not come to work
Anonymous wrote:Why does Grandma need the whole day? Tell her the nanny will be in at 10, or whatever. I'm sure your nanny will enjoy sleeping in, even if it's not the same as having the whole day off.


On call poster here. This sounds like a better plan.
Anonymous
Post 02/21/2018 13:16     Subject: Grandma wants nanny to not come to work
Why does Grandma need the whole day? Tell her the nanny will be in at 10, or whatever. I'm sure your nanny will enjoy sleeping in, even if it's not the same as having the whole day off.