I've hosted for 12 years and don't have this problem. I mostly have independent au pairs who don't need my constant help and advice, have the tact not to barge into the conversation when I am interacting with my child, and prefer to spend time in their room or out with friends when not working. I did have one younger au pair who needed more of this type of advice or hand holding, but I have no issue communicating directly and telling her 'now is not a good time', ' I am busy', or 'ask your friend or LCC they know it better', or ' I want to be alone for a bit now'

Just talk to her, it is one sided because she tells you her needs, but as another adult in the house, you should communicate your needs to her too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had to bump this post. I'm truly exhausted, and my body is starting to feel the toll of constantly being on and stressed over what else to I need to address before the day has ended.

We're in year 4. Our first 2 au pairs (1 extended) were super independent. Which was good - and not so good. Good in that when they were done working, I could come home have a few moments with my kids alone, and then be able to unwind after I put them down for bed. Not so good, in the case of 1 of them, that when we had big family events, and had them there, they seemed to feel so awkward and not comfortable - despite our regular talks, and time spent together when working.

Our new au pair needs a lot of attention, and I'm hoping it will fade. But, I'm concerned that despite me being really clear about needing quiet time after work - or needing one on one time with the kids, she still interrupts that. She's even turned down plans with new friends, so she can stay home and watch a movie with us. And this is after multiple snow days at home, us all together, watching movie after movie. I need a break to recharge, and to be rested enough to there for her, my kids, and my coworkers. I've been so drained, and in horrible mood all week because I haven't had a minute alone.

How long has your AP been here? My experience has been that APs spend a lot of time with us at the beginning and very little at the end.

I am sorry that you are exhausted, and I mean this in a best way possible, but are you sure this is the right program for you? I am en extrovert, and although I work hard, I am always happy to see my AP when I come home. I am happy if she joins us for a movie night or a family outing. We had an AP, who did not miss a single weekly family dinner with my parents, and I loved that about her. I love developing close relationships with these wonderful young women, to watch them mature during their time with us, and to stay in touch with them after they go home.

The idea of putting on a headset and to pretending to be on the conf call is just horrid. Sorry.

At the same time, I have no problems telling my AP the truth that I had a hard day and that I will be heading to bed early.

We are in our 4th year and have done well the past 3 years - so the program is for us. We are pretty extroverted. I too enjoy chatting with her and helping her plan, etc... I just need a little down time at the end of the day, and not spending a hour at 11pm talking about her friends back home. I also would like to get an opportunity to spend time alone with my kids. The dynamic is different when she is there - not bad, just different.

I don't think our current exhaustion is a sign that we're not a fit for the program. I think it's a sign that we matched with an au pair who needs more attention than our previous ones. It could be that she's younger and from a different part of the world than our past au pairs, or it could be that she's not as independent as she portrayed herself to be in the matching process. I've already gone through great lengths to help find her friends, according to our LCC, more than any other family she's worked with. Honestly, it feels like that there is more and more pressure on the families to make it work - like they are the reason there are issues. What can they do to fix it? And less accountability on the part of the au pairs. To me, that appears to be a trend. Especially, when I think of the lawsuit, and some au pairs expecting more and more perks.

I can see signs of her starting to branch out - which is very hopeful. I just need to find a way to delicately ask for some space when needed to ensure that the relationship works well for us - and not just her.

I am the PP. And I never stay up until 11pm talking to my AP. Most nights, I expire after dinner. If we do dinner with all the kids, then I retreat in my room pretty much after the young ones go to bed (around 8:30pm). Most of the time, AP goes to her room as well, but occasionally, she is in the living room on her computer. It does not bother me, and I also don't feel the need to engage in a conversation. I need my downtime as well. Occasionally, we have a glass of wine with AP after the kids are in bed and chat, but I would say it happens at most once a week. But I am never up for a conversation after 10pm, unless it's an existential crisis

How long has your AP been here? Our AP is typically out and about at least two nights a week. On those nights, she typically leaves before we eat dinner. On the weekends, she is almost always out and about, so that I have plenty of time to spend alone with my children during the day. And I am happy if AP comes home for dinner or a family movie night.

Does your AP have friends? You may want to reach out to your LCC to see if she can put her in touch with someone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had to bump this post. I'm truly exhausted, and my body is starting to feel the toll of constantly being on and stressed over what else to I need to address before the day has ended.

We're in year 4. Our first 2 au pairs (1 extended) were super independent. Which was good - and not so good. Good in that when they were done working, I could come home have a few moments with my kids alone, and then be able to unwind after I put them down for bed. Not so good, in the case of 1 of them, that when we had big family events, and had them there, they seemed to feel so awkward and not comfortable - despite our regular talks, and time spent together when working.

Our new au pair needs a lot of attention, and I'm hoping it will fade. But, I'm concerned that despite me being really clear about needing quiet time after work - or needing one on one time with the kids, she still interrupts that. She's even turned down plans with new friends, so she can stay home and watch a movie with us. And this is after multiple snow days at home, us all together, watching movie after movie. I need a break to recharge, and to be rested enough to there for her, my kids, and my coworkers. I've been so drained, and in horrible mood all week because I haven't had a minute alone.

How long has your AP been here? My experience has been that APs spend a lot of time with us at the beginning and very little at the end.

I am sorry that you are exhausted, and I mean this in a best way possible, but are you sure this is the right program for you? I am en extrovert, and although I work hard, I am always happy to see my AP when I come home. I am happy if she joins us for a movie night or a family outing. We had an AP, who did not miss a single weekly family dinner with my parents, and I loved that about her. I love developing close relationships with these wonderful young women, to watch them mature during their time with us, and to stay in touch with them after they go home.

The idea of putting on a headset and to pretending to be on the conf call is just horrid. Sorry.

At the same time, I have no problems telling my AP the truth that I had a hard day and that I will be heading to bed early.

We are in our 4th year and have done well the past 3 years - so the program is for us. We are pretty extroverted. I too enjoy chatting with her and helping her plan, etc... I just need a little down time at the end of the day, and not spending a hour at 11pm talking about her friends back home. I also would like to get an opportunity to spend time alone with my kids. The dynamic is different when she is there - not bad, just different.

I don't think our current exhaustion is a sign that we're not a fit for the program. I think it's a sign that we matched with an au pair who needs more attention than our previous ones. It could be that she's younger and from a different part of the world than our past au pairs, or it could be that she's not as independent as she portrayed herself to be in the matching process. I've already gone through great lengths to help find her friends, according to our LCC, more than any other family she's worked with. Honestly, it feels like that there is more and more pressure on the families to make it work - like they are the reason there are issues. What can they do to fix it? And less accountability on the part of the au pairs. To me, that appears to be a trend. Especially, when I think of the lawsuit, and some au pairs expecting more and more perks.

I can see signs of her starting to branch out - which is very hopeful. I just need to find a way to delicately ask for some space when needed to ensure that the relationship works well for us - and not just her.

Anonymous wrote:I had to bump this post. I'm truly exhausted, and my body is starting to feel the toll of constantly being on and stressed over what else to I need to address before the day has ended.

We're in year 4. Our first 2 au pairs (1 extended) were super independent. Which was good - and not so good. Good in that when they were done working, I could come home have a few moments with my kids alone, and then be able to unwind after I put them down for bed. Not so good, in the case of 1 of them, that when we had big family events, and had them there, they seemed to feel so awkward and not comfortable - despite our regular talks, and time spent together when working.

Our new au pair needs a lot of attention, and I'm hoping it will fade. But, I'm concerned that despite me being really clear about needing quiet time after work - or needing one on one time with the kids, she still interrupts that. She's even turned down plans with new friends, so she can stay home and watch a movie with us. And this is after multiple snow days at home, us all together, watching movie after movie. I need a break to recharge, and to be rested enough to there for her, my kids, and my coworkers. I've been so drained, and in horrible mood all week because I haven't had a minute alone.

How long has your AP been here? My experience has been that APs spend a lot of time with us at the beginning and very little at the end.

I am sorry that you are exhausted, and I mean this in a best way possible, but are you sure this is the right program for you? I am en extrovert, and although I work hard, I am always happy to see my AP when I come home. I am happy if she joins us for a movie night or a family outing. We had an AP, who did not miss a single weekly family dinner with my parents, and I loved that about her. I love developing close relationships with these wonderful young women, to watch them mature during their time with us, and to stay in touch with them after they go home.

The idea of putting on a headset and to pretending to be on the conf call is just horrid. Sorry.

At the same time, I have no problems telling my AP the truth that I had a hard day and that I will be heading to bed early.

Hosting is often exhausting, especially when you’re in the thick of the daily slog. You’ll know when it’s time to leave the program, when the frustrations and annoyances outweigh the benefits. I took a break after many years of hosting, and even with the occasional snow/sick days, I haven’t missed hosting an AP.

Yea, this is why I took a break and it became permanent. We have a great after school and summer sitter who is just as good as an AP, but leaves each day and at the end of the day costs much less.