Anonymous wrote:"We've been getting bizarre guilt trips from our agency about the meaning of "host"

What does this mean? What agency?

Our LCC seems to think that we should treat our APs like high-schoolers on exchange programs -- like, full-on coddling, doting host-family for a teenager rather than a resourceful, independent adult. We have 3 very young kids and take the family aspect of the cultural exchange very seriously, but absolutely don't want - and can't handle - an extra child. I think when our kids are older we'll love having slightly younger, more dependent APs, but not right now. Soo ... our LCC sends month emails to her group reminding the host MOMS about all the things that MOMS do and that our AP is probably missing from home and can't we do XYZ. and then the comments like "Oh, the bus" Can't you drive her?" Like I said, we feel that we do a good job HOSTING our APs, but we really don't want to PARENT them (and ahem, we both have full-time jobs). I'm hoping to change up LCCs with our next AP.

"We've been getting bizarre guilt trips from our agency about the meaning of "host"

What does this mean? What agency?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Actually she wants to go back to her country (where we are going less than a week later) in order to surprise her friends who don't know she's coming. Since the ticket has been purchased there's now nothing I can do. But I'm not pleased and I am going to have a serious chat with her and likely expect her to do more work while we are there on vacation.

Wow. That is bold and clearly it was courtesy "ask". She was going no matter what.
That would piss me off a lot more than the original (now appears to be bullshit) request.
I would be very, very annoyed.

I mention in my handbook that the AP must get approval from me before making any travel purchases. If not, and her request is denied, then it is the AP's responsibility for any losses or change fees. I am generous in many ways but I put my foot down when it comes to a lack of accountability to her commitment to put her childcare work above her personal desires when there is a conflict of schedules. They are on notice about clearing all travels first (not a "courtesy" ask but an "approval" ask, otherwise they can suffer the consequence such as losing their money.

The only time I drive to airport is to pick up AP and drop her off for departure home. I don't even pick up my husband from the airport.

PP ... you are very nice! I have accommodated travel schedules numerous times so AP can get a cheaper airfare...if she discusses with me first...and I have no problem doing this. However, I insist on independent travelers and NEVER offer rides to/from the airport. I can't believe that your agency implied that you should do this? I am not loading my kids in the car to drive AP to airport or paying a babysitter to watch them while I do this.

Well, tickets can be changed for a fee, and that's not really your problem.
I would plan a fun day for you and your husband or just one of the kids for the Sunday before her trip and the Saturday after, and put her on the schedule for both of those days even if she doesn't usually work weekends. So, she'll work Sun-Tue, and Thu-Sat. Tell her that her 36hrs off for those weeks are during the vacation time, AND it counts as her full weekend for the month.
We gave our AP a bonus 4-day weekend to go visit a friend (at the time she had been with us maybe 6 weeks, so this was a total goodwill gesture on our part). She then got a ticket for the evening before -- the departure was after her working hours, but to get her to the airport in time required an extra half day and guess who had to rearrange her work schedule to drive her? (We've been getting bizarre guilt trips from our agency about the meaning of "host" which to them is apparently a totally available SAHM, so I acquiesced on this, too). When it came time for her 2-week vacation, she tried to get a ticket A. mid-day on a workday for me and B. for a 17-day trip. I told her I couldn't provide transportation on a workday and that her vacation was 14-days, inclusive of travel days. (she's had other bonus long weekends in the interim, too, so already had over 2 weeks off, without yet using her official vacation).

So she bought the ticket before she cleared it with you? I would 100% not pay a stipend that week.

Anonymous wrote:

Actually she wants to go back to her country (where we are going less than a week later) in order to surprise her friends who don't know she's coming. Since the ticket has been purchased there's now nothing I can do. But I'm not pleased and I am going to have a serious chat with her and likely expect her to do more work while we are there on vacation.

Wow. That is bold and clearly it was courtesy "ask". She was going no matter what.
That would piss me off a lot more than the original (now appears to be bullshit) request.
I would be very, very annoyed.

I think you have the right idea with your proposed compromise of giving her a long weekend (Weds-Sun or Thurs-Sun) instead of the full week. She is leaving early, but really not egregiously so and has given you a decent amount of notice. Important that she is saying nice things to next au pair.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you seem very nice and patient.

First, let's be honest, it is highly likely your AP planned on asking to leave early all along and was not honest with you. Do you think it is true that she suddenly wanted to go back to school?

Second, you have given her lots of time off. You take her on nice trips. Very generous.

Is this vacation something her friends planned and she would miss out if she doesn't go? If this is just something she wants, and hasn't really made plans yet, then I would say no.

Actually she wants to go back to her country (where we are going less than a week later) in order to surprise her friends who don't know she's coming. Since the ticket has been purchased there's now nothing I can do. But I'm not pleased and I am going to have a serious chat with her and likely expect her to do more work while we are there on vacation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are taking her to her home country for a wedding I assume that means you will meet her family?
I would be inclined to let her have some vacation just to avoid how awkward it would be if you did not and were overseas with her and actually were relying on her for some help. If she was bitter, who knows - she may not get on the return flight with you.

We've already met her family. I do think she'll come back with us because we have another trip in early August that she's excited to join us for, plus we have good relationship and I don't think she'd quit over this.

I'm inclined to let her go but asking her to take her week Thurs-Weds so she's gone over a weekend when she wouldn't be working anyway. That way if she'd be annoyed with me refusing she won't say bad things to the au pairs we are interviewing.

I don't think that counts as a week. Depends on your agency, but a week in my agency is 7 days.

If you re-read, she doesn't owe her one week. It is debatable whether she owes AP any vacation days at all at this point. OP is trying to be nice.

OP- I know this might against agency rules, but considering how many vacation days you have already given your AP at this point, you may want to consider offering her that week without pay (especially if you have to get alternate childcare for that week).

OP, you seem very nice and patient.

First, let's be honest, it is highly likely your AP planned on asking to leave early all along and was not honest with you. Do you think it is true that she suddenly wanted to go back to school?

Second, you have given her lots of time off. You take her on nice trips. Very generous.

Is this vacation something her friends planned and she would miss out if she doesn't go? If this is just something she wants, and hasn't really made plans yet, then I would say no.

Anonymous wrote:Listen, if you have the great relationship that you describe just sit down and explain to her that while you can offer a long weekend, with the current trips planned and your work schedule and her leaving early, you just can't accommodate an entire additional week off. A long weekend is a nice compromise and a mature individual (which it sounds like she is) will understand.

My former AP was always asking for more time off...I told her to always feel open to discuss and I would always accommodate to the best of my ability. Often it worked in her favor and when I couldn't make other arrangements, she understood.

This is what I did, but I told her she could leave on Thursday morning and return the following Wednesday. She then told me her mom had bought her a ticket leaving Wednesday afternoon and returning the following Weds which means she'll be gone 8 days, so I'm annoyed but at this point I can't do anything.

Listen, if you have the great relationship that you describe just sit down and explain to her that while you can offer a long weekend, with the current trips planned and your work schedule and her leaving early, you just can't accommodate an entire additional week off. A long weekend is a nice compromise and a mature individual (which it sounds like she is) will understand.

My former AP was always asking for more time off...I told her to always feel open to discuss and I would always accommodate to the best of my ability. Often it worked in her favor and when I couldn't make other arrangements, she understood.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are taking her to her home country for a wedding I assume that means you will meet her family?
I would be inclined to let her have some vacation just to avoid how awkward it would be if you did not and were overseas with her and actually were relying on her for some help. If she was bitter, who knows - she may not get on the return flight with you.

We've already met her family. I do think she'll come back with us because we have another trip in early August that she's excited to join us for, plus we have good relationship and I don't think she'd quit over this.

I'm inclined to let her go but asking her to take her week Thurs-Weds so she's gone over a weekend when she wouldn't be working anyway. That way if she'd be annoyed with me refusing she won't say bad things to the au pairs we are interviewing.

I don't think that counts as a week. Depends on your agency, but a week in my agency is 7 days.

Sorry, just reread. Not sure what I was thinking.

Now it just seems weirdly passive aggressive.