Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She did. Read her original posts.

Here she did, but on the FB page she said the AP was very friendly and "the only reason she was cancelling was because the arrival date didn't work for the family." Nothing about all the concerns she posted here. I just think that isn't really fair to other HMs - you seek honest advice from other HMs, you should offer it in return. Whatever. OP can obviously post whatever she wants, but it just surprised me that someone who was pretty up front about her concerns here would bury them when she was advertising the AP on FB.

No, you're rught.

I have removed my post.

However, what works or doesn't work for one family may be good or bad for another. Yes, she was friendly and yes, the date was the primary issue, but anyone who replied to my post I did mention more details.

Thanks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She did. Read her original posts.

Here she did, but on the FB page she said the AP was very friendly and "the only reason she was cancelling was because the arrival date didn't work for the family." Nothing about all the concerns she posted here. I just think that isn't really fair to other HMs - you seek honest advice from other HMs, you should offer it in return. Whatever. OP can obviously post whatever she wants, but it just surprised me that someone who was pretty up front about her concerns here would bury them when she was advertising the AP on FB.

I agree. Either do not advocate or advocate and be honest.

Anonymous wrote:She did. Read her original posts.

Here she did, but on the FB page she said the AP was very friendly and "the only reason she was cancelling was because the arrival date didn't work for the family." Nothing about all the concerns she posted here. I just think that isn't really fair to other HMs - you seek honest advice from other HMs, you should offer it in return. Whatever. OP can obviously post whatever she wants, but it just surprised me that someone who was pretty up front about her concerns here would bury them when she was advertising the AP on FB.

She did. Read her original posts.

OP I saw you posting on FB on behalf of your now-unmatched AP (Austrian, au pairing in China, Aug 15 match date - too many things in common with your post so it has to be the same situation). You said in your post to other HMs that you were "only cancelling because the timing does not work for me." Why would you write this if it isn't true? You clearly felt (from your post here) that AP wasn't interested in the kids or your family - which is a huge red flag. A lot of us here took time to respond to you and advise you. I am really surprised that you wouldn't return the favor and share with other HMs that you had concerns about this AP other than just the arrival date.

She just may not realize how important the Aug 15 arrival is to you. and I bet she is very busy in China with her current AP position.

I would send her a very direct email, saying.
"Mary- we absolutely need our Au Pair to start on August 15. If you are unable to start on Aug 15, please email me and tell me, because we will need to break the match and find another Au Pair.

Please email me by Saturday to let me know.
If I don't hear from you, I will need to cancel the match."

OP here. Just for info...

She is Austrian and is currently au pairing in China and her flight back arrives just before the end of July. She has reliable WiFi/internet connectivity there. Is on/ posting WhatsApp/Instagram all the time. Doesn't seem to be impacting her. She seems to navigate tech alright, posting live streams and videos.

Originally when we were first talking, I told her I needed her to come as soon as possible. When we matched and I asked her the earliest date, she agreed on the 15th.

Afterwards, she told me that she wanted to move the date because she didn't think that she could get her visa in time (which I verified with the agency was not true), This is understandable, but afterwards, I immediately contacted the agency with this problem and gave me a solution (she must book the visa appt by a certain date). I reached out to tell her this, but since then she has not tried to get an appointment that would allow her to make the Aug 15 date. I am assuming she wants to come later and by ignoring the problem, it will solve itself, in her eyes.

I also asked her to move her flight home date but she would not.

It has only been three weeks since we matched. Only conversations we have had, are about the visa and date issue and are initiated by me. She doesn't seem busy as her host child there is in school during the day so she has free time to make arrangements (despite the time difference, it's only 6 hrs ahead of her home country).

I really don't have it in me to reach out with emails or texts proactively.

Thanks again for your feedback and opinions.

I concur with everything here. We had a non-responsive candidate who barely replied to our emails after matching, took forever to get her visa, etc. After arriving, she requested rematch after a few months of being here. She felt we were giving her enough perks and constantly compared us to other families. She was an ok au pair but wasn't happy with the match. Get out while you can and find someone excited.

Anonymous wrote:Also...how do i tell her nicely that I am canceling??

PP

You say "Hey X, sorry to hear you cannot join us from 15 August as previously agreed upon. As that's when we need childcare we will unfortunately need to make different arrangements and find another candidate to join our family. Good luck with finding another family."

Anonymous wrote:I matched about 3 weeks ago. I am the only onbe reaching out for contact. She hasn't asked anything about us the kids or details about her upcoming year.

We matched on the arrival date of 15 August. She texted me that she doesn't think that is possible because she is traveling now and won't be home in time to get a visa. I contacted my agency and they said it was possible as long as she gets an appt by a certain date. I wrote her this and she has yet to make the appointment.

So she agreed on an arrival date of 15 August at matching and is now changing her mind?
That would be reason for cancelling a match for me. Yes. I need them to stick to their arrival date unless there is a family emergency or they get sick and therefore can't travel. If I know the new AP will join us on 15 August I plan everything around that day, including our own vacation plans.

What might be understandable is her lack of contact if she is traveling internationally. Depending on her phone plan she might not be as available as she would be if she was home (don't tell me there is free wifi everywhere... there certainly isn't... I also spent $3 per minute to call my mom when we were traveling last November, that is fine for a two-minute we arrived safe and sound phone call but not sensible for a "Hi dear HF, how are you doing?" chat). We have matched with APs who were not super tech savvy, didn't have What's App and didn't have internet at home... that can make being in touch interesting (they all did their best to contact us once a week or so though). I am going on vacation with my mother next week (girls week away) and I know that I will not be as available as DH and the kids would like (wifi in the hotel is only available in the bar area and painfully slow during the day) but it's my mother's birthday present so they will live.

The not reaching out to you... yes, it would make me worry but I can see where that could happen. Asking to move her arrival date because she is traveling? That would be a red flag for me. She should be excited for her year and to join you and she should be reliable enough to stick to a travel date you both agreed on three weeks ago.
If you start a new job and tell them you are starting on 15 August, that's it. You don't text your future boss three weeks later "Sorry, can't start 15 August. We are traveling. I won't have time to move to [city] by then. I will start 1 September. Bye. See you." (unless the boss is your dad or you are so unique in your field that you can do whatever you want to). When she is with you, you need to know that you can trust her to start at 8 am if you tell her to, you don't want her to text you "Sorry, didn't come home until 5 am. Won't be available to work before noon. See ya." either.

Anonymous wrote:For those that say ditch, how should the period be between matching and arrival? How often do you communicate and what do you talk about? Especially if you went over everything during matching (comprehensive info sharing both ways)?

I am currently waiting for my next au pair to arrive. After we matched, we had 2 Skype so far. These were not to ask more questions but for her to spend some time either observing our kids doing regular routines like playing or eating, or a chance for her to engage a little with them. Keep in mind that mine are toddlers and this may not be relevant for kids of another age. We are considering a final Skype before she arrives in a few weeks. Things that we email about includes her giving us updates on her progress with the visa (made interview appointment, when is the appointment, questions about preparing for the interview, post-interview wrap up like what questions were asked, how was the experience etc), what she or we did over the weekend, funny happenings with the kids, what she is doing (when she is quitting her job, when she is moving back to home city to spend final times with family before coming to the US), cultural topics like American holidays and traditions - as they occur like recent St. Patrick's Day, Easter, soon to be Mother's Day, and popular holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving and how we celebrate them etc.), how she is feeling (excitement, nervousness), questions about packing or what not to pack.


With this upcoming au pair, we have been sending emails back and forth about 2 times per week.
With our current au pair who we are successfully ending our year with soon, we emailed about once per week. Similar topics. Also more philosophical (that's her personality), about life and society, past experiences and childhood events that shaped her current way of thinking and childcare styles.

Anonymous wrote:For those that say ditch, how should the period be between matching and arrival? How often do you communicate and what do you talk about? Especially if you went over everything during matching (comprehensive info sharing both ways)?

Just wondering if I am overreacting. Half of my gut says ditch and half says it is normal prearrival type communication. I've had other au pairs and there have been gaps in conversation before but deep in my gut I feel I made a mistake and keep looking at other candidates. Too immature and not into it. I don't see the excitement.

Also...how do i tell her nicely that I am canceling??

We talk about interesting things we do that might be of interest to the AP. We also ask about what's happening in the APs' life, like studying, exams, etc. But there are also things that we did not get to talk about during the matching process, like family history, etc. We probably exchange an email/text every 2-3 weeks.

I think you don't need to go into a long post-mortem. Just say that you have been thinking hard and you don't think that you will be a good match after all. You're very sorry, but you made a mistake in matching and you're going to have to cancel the match.

I don't think there's a right level of communication between matching and arrival to judge by, but I think you should trust your gut here.

For those that say ditch, how should the period be between matching and arrival? How often do you communicate and what do you talk about? Especially if you went over everything during matching (comprehensive info sharing both ways)?

Just wondering if I am overreacting. Half of my gut says ditch and half says it is normal prearrival type communication. I've had other au pairs and there have been gaps in conversation before but deep in my gut I feel I made a mistake and keep looking at other candidates. Too immature and not into it. I don't see the excitement.

Also...how do i tell her nicely that I am canceling??

I would cancel for sure. You still have time to find someone better.