Anonymous wrote:Our AP is from South America and only speaks English to us (is actually quite good, all of our kids understand her). The problem is that she speaks Portuguese all other times, on the phone, when friends are over etc. She has about 5-6 close friends who speak Portuguese and they sit with us at the table or at an event (soccer, baseball etc) and only speak their language. In the car (us driving) she will be chatting away on her phone in Portuguese.
I love that my kids are exposed to another language but she has only been here 2 months so they don't know any of it yet.
I asked my son (8) if she speaks English to them during the day and he said yes. Am i over reacting in wanting her to speak with us in a language we understand or around us?

TL/DR: Our AP can speak wonderful English and will when watching the kids. All other times it is Portuguese. Is this a problem.

Iam a nanny ,and I speak Portuguese /English,lot's brasilian speak most Portuguese,because when we get together we miss our country.
This take time to adjusted the emotional fillings...
When we get together is like we are family.
Be patience with her.

Anonymous wrote: The problem is that she speaks Portuguese all other times, on the phone, when friends are over etc. She has about 5-6 close friends who speak Portuguese and they sit with us at the table or at an event (soccer, baseball etc) and only speak their language. In the car (us driving) she will be chatting away on her phone in Portuguese.

TL/DR: Our AP can speak wonderful English and will when watching the kids. All other times it is Portuguese. Is this a problem.

Have you actually ever asked your AP to please speak English, and only English, in front of the kids or while with the family?
Because, if your haven't... how is she supposed to know you are not happy with her speaking her native language with friends who have the same native language? [It's not necessarily an age thing not to pick up on people feeling left out if you speak a language they don't understand in front of you]

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I see two - maybe three - different issues in this.

On the phone she can speak as much Portuguese as she wants to. Whoever she is talking to might not be able to speak English (grandma, her 4 year old niece etc.) or not be fluent enough to hold a full conversation in English on the phone (this might actually include other APs). Even arranging to meet a friend might simply be quicker in her native language. Plus, it's just so easy to fall back into your common native language if just talking to each other in a one on one conversation.

I assume you could ask her not to hold 30 minute phone calls in the car while you are driving... not only in Portuguese but generally.
We have a "no phone calls in the car unless it's an emergency" rule for everybody. I generally hate driving and people constantly chatting away in a confined space that small drives me mad. So yes, you can call grandma and tell her we will be there in half an hour or you can call daddy and ask him to pick up your soccer shoes on the way but that's it. [I am aware it's a strange rule. Thankfully, my car my rules.]

At events, if your AP is not working, I feel you cannot really tell her not to speak Portuguese at all. You are in a public place, you don't really get to decide which language is spoken.
I work in a very international environment - we currently employ people from ten different countries in a team of 50 - and at any work-do you will hear people speak languages other than English to each other. Yes, it excludes people. But we don't really expect our Russian coworkers to speak English when exclusively talking to each other. One of our Portuguese coworkers loves practicing her Spanish with our coworkers from Spain and Mexico. However, when having lunch together (as in sitting at a table as a group) English IS the language spoken at the table to include everybody. There is a difference of two people chatting in a corner or the hallway and doing something together as a group.
What I think you can ask in situations like this is to speak English when around you (and especially the children) but not necessarily that she doesn't speak Portuguese with a friend at the concession stand if you are not around.

Now, yes. At your dinner table or sitting in your family room together with you, you can definitely ask everybody around you to speak English (if everybody has a basic knowledge of English at least). If they are alone, they can chat away in Portuguese as much as they want to but as soon as you enter the room they should switch to English.

Are you sure the friends she spends her time with are fluent enough in English to hold meaningful conversations?

Also, try not to create a 'foreign-language-hostile environment'. Yes, etiquette calls for English to be spoken when around you but there is nothing wrong with Portuguese (or any other language) in general. While you are right in wanting English to be spoken around you make sure that the feeling doesn't turn to "any other language is wrong" or "below the English language". You especially don't want you kids to pick up a general vibe that your AP's native language, your AP's culture or your AP are "beneath" them.

And please don't think that just because they are not speaking English they are a) talking about you or b) even worse, critizising you in any way or form. Most likely they still wouldn't do that in front of you but in her room with you out of earshot.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are very clear in matching, handbook, and training that we expect APs to speak English with their friends in front of us. The only exception is when a friend (or family member) comes to visit and doesn't speak English. If a friend is an AP, then we expect both of them to speak English in front of us and the children. No one wants to feel like an outsider in their own home or car by not understanding the discussion.

No one has had a problem with this. Our APs can have friends over as much as they want, so this is a small price to pay.

omg lol wait what really

i guess since i speak german it bothers me less but i don't expect people to speak my language just because i'm also present

Thats called being polite not excluding people from conversation when visiting someone's home. Its one thing if the other person doesn't know English but to intentionally speak another language is rude.

Is it rude to speak English in a Mexican or Vietnamese restaurant

It's definitely an asshole move to ban an entire language from your home

Seriously you just suck as a human. Not as a host mom, not as a MB, as a member of the human race

My home is not a restaurant even though assholes may see that way. I just want to be a part of conversation. So can you speak a common language in my home that we both know? Sorry if you are an alien but how do you read English?!!!

If it's a kick phone call to family back home, I get speaking your mother tongue. If she's holding 20 min conversations in the car while you're driving that can be very distracting. I wouldn't respond well to that regardless of the language being spoken.

It is rude to speak a language not everyone understands when there's a common shared language, because it gives the impression that the excluded parties are the subject of conversation. AP may not realize this, so I would just share it with her as a cultural etiquette issue. I wouldn't address it as a "rule" or tell her what to do.