Not easy when the MB/DB encourages you to cross the line and become 'family'.

Always keep private and professional lives separate

OP here again and this has become even more evident to me that being told I was part of the family was bullcrap.

1. It is MBS 40th birthday party next month and she didn't invite me.
2. Couldn't care less about my dental issues.
3. Been messing around with my pay and work schedule more than ever
4. Not invited to charges birthday last month
5. Pretty sure they are going to fire me soon as it seems to be heading that way with the way they are messing me around. I know from then on, I will hear nothing from them. I feel angry they ever told me I was part of the family. It isn't fair to say that when it is so clearly not true.

OP here. I didn't work for a couple weeks and we had no contact. It was a stark reminder that I need to remember that I am NOT part of the family and that as soon as this job ends, that will be the end of contact. You wouldn't do that to family so yeah, wish they never said it in the first place. But I know I am not seen the way they said now.

You can fire a member of the family. You just do it unofficially.
I do agree with a lot of the points but think a nanny can be a part of the family if MB and DB are saying it for the right reasons and not a reason to take advantage.

Anonymous wrote:I think that nannies can become part of the family. I just feel that if an MB/DB says that to the nanny, they need to be mindful of keeping the nannys respect and loyalty and not just saying 'You are part of the family' so they can take advantage.

You cannot "fire" a member of your family, ergo, a nanny, who can be fired in a heartbeat, is not, and can never be, a member of the family. This is a phrase used only so the employer can con the nanny so the MB/DB can take advantage.

I think that nannies can become part of the family. I just feel that if an MB/DB says that to the nanny, they need to be mindful of keeping the nannys respect and loyalty and not just saying 'You are part of the family' so they can take advantage.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I will keep my guard up.
It's hard as I don't have a close family and so it's easy to get sucked in when someone says you are a part of theirs. I do genuinely love them as well and I know they care for me but I doubt it is on the same level.

Saying things like that to you makes it difficult to be objective when they start to push the limits. Trust me. I'm dealing with this now. I've bent over backwards for a family that pulled the whole "we're one big team" crap. They are late on a regular basis, ask me for favors, forget to pay me on time. I've used all 3 of my sick days to cover illnesses I got from their kids (bad stomach bug) and now that I'm sick from something I didn't catch from them, they docked my pay. Don't fall for that BS. In the end you are just the help to these people and you have to look out for yourself.

Yes, I will keep my guard up.
It's hard as I don't have a close family and so it's easy to get sucked in when someone says you are a part of theirs. I do genuinely love them as well and I know they care for me but I doubt it is on the same level.

I find that families that say stuff like that do so to manipulate you. They're the ones who show up late, ask for favors, forget your past day. But trust and believe it doesn't work in the other direction, and keep your guard up.

Lol your boss will show up at 3:00am to bail you out only if they want to see you in the morning at work. They may even fire you to over the phone if they learn your crime.

Anonymous wrote:I've had many nanny families over the years insist that I'm a member of their family. To be honest, the ones who said this the most were really the least likely to actually treat me as such.

There was one family I had worked with part time for 3 years with their school aged kids, before becoming a full time live in when their next baby was born (and I stayed until her third birthday). My last winter with them they invited me up to their family's cabin for Christmas and I agreed. Christmas morning they woke me up to "open presents with them." I watched their older kids unwrap ipads and other awesome gifts. They gave me a candle and then insinuated that my weekend at the cabin with them was my bonus that year.

Another MB who was ALWAYS going on about how I'm such an important member of their family then insisted they couldn't afford to give me any raise at all at my second year anniversary. Over the next two months MB bought a brand new car and she and DB took two overnight trips out of town (grandma and grandpa watched the kids; they didn't want to pay me OT). I quit and gave them 5 weeks notice (contact stipulated only 4 was required). On my last day MB hugged me and kept saying that I'll always be part of their family, and she wants me to continue being in her kids lives so please keep in touch. I reached out a few times to ask about getting together for a weekend visit. At first she responded saying "this weekend's not good, how about next..." but eventually she just stopped responding to my texts. It's been two years and I haven't seen them since.

Meanwhile I still have an excellent relationship with two other previous nanny families, still getting together occasionally as well as babysitting when they need. They never once used the phrase "a member of our family" about me; maybe it's for the best.

20.45 again. I'm sorry for your experience, and those of the other PPs whose employers have used the phrase to signal job creep.

My experience is that families who consider me JUST an employee want ridiculous things. I'm usually good at sifting through crazy families during the interview, but these are some of the things that cropped up during (short-lived) trials.
1. I'm not to be out of my room between 6 and midnight, so that DB can walk around in his underwear (no en suite, nor access outside). I let them know at the end of the first week that I wouldn't be there after the end of the second week.
2. Let's leave the kids with her for OVER A WEEK while we go on vacation (5 days into a new position), and she's part of the family, so we don't need to pay extra or give any notice. They let me know after the kids were in bed that their plane was leaving the next morning before the kids would be up, kids didn't know they were going so would probably be upset. I let them know that I would be leaving that night, and they would need to find someone else to cover their vacation. They had the audacity to demand that I pay them back for their plane tickets, since they had purchased non-refundable tickets earlier that day; of course I demanded my pay and left.
3. You're part of the family, you can eat whatever we eat (parents ate out every day on the way home, kids ate mac and cheese with hot dogs every night, and I was expected to eat with them, even though my contract included "Healthy food will be provided to nanny as part of the condition of her living in. In the event that family does not want to provide an adequate amount of healthy food to nanny each week, pay will increase by $50 per week to offset the cost of purchasing her own groceries, and nanny will have exclusive use of the smaller refrigerator/freezer, so that she may buy in larger quantities to keep costs low"). Since they didn't want to live up to what was agreed, that lasted for 1 week, and I gave them notice that I wouldn't be there after the second week.
4. You're part of the family, so even though we didn't invite you to go along on vacation, we don't need to pay you. Oh, and we need you to take care of the pets three times per day (minimum half hour each time), turn on the sprinklers in the evening and turn them off again a half hour later, get the mail (post office box) and packages, go through all of the kids' closets for outgrown clothes and switch seasons, go get new clothes for the kids if there aren't enough for the next season, clean the refrigerators and freezers, restock groceries but not until the day before vacation ends, etc. Had I stayed with the family and done that, it would have been over the total number of hours that I was supposed to work, and it would have been unpaid. In that case, they did give me a month's notice that they would be doing it, so I gave them a month to find someone else to cover the vacation and then work when they got back.
5. You're coming along on our vacation, and because you're part of the family, we need you to spend a lot of time with the kids (more than we do, probably close to 80 hours, at least one overnight in your room, but you'll never be with us). Oh, but it's your vacation, we don't need to pay you. Oh, and all adults in this family pull their own weight, so you need to pay for your own flight, accommodations, food and entry to all the places the kids want to go with you. They let me know 3 weeks before their vacation, and I let them know they had three weeks to find someone else to go on vacation with them and work when they got back.
6. Kids and parents not only felt that they had a right to go in my room anytime they wanted, but they also felt that they could help themselves to anything they wanted. The first time that $20 disappeared from my room, parents weren't home, so I let them know as soon as I figured it out (went to get my purse so that we could go get gas and go to the park); parents said that they would find out who did it, and they would just put an extra $20 in my pay for the week, which they did... taxed. The second time, I let the parent know that I was missing a $50, and the parent had the audacity to tell me that they went in my room to see what I had, and I must have stolen it from the other parent, so they took it. I was gone immediately, and I refused to come back when the parents talked, figured out that I never stole anything and begged.
7. Parents who "invited" me to join them for Christmas morning, "reminded" me that the kids would compare gifts from family, friends and me, that they were getting me a gift (implying I should do something for them as well) and then gave me a gift that I didn't want, didn't need, couldn't use, couldn't give away or sell without offending them. The kicker was that I spent about $100 each on the kids, about $50 on each parent, on things that they wanted/needed, and my gift (no bonus, no extra day off) was under $15. I had only been with them for a few weeks, and I had been hesitant to spend much during the trial, but I was well paid, so I figured why not? That's why not. I let them know on New Year's Eve that they had two weeks to find someone, right after they notified me that they were going out and would be gone until early on the 2nd.
8. I was given a bill for gas and wear-and-tear on the vehicle along with my paystub at the end of the first week. They had deducted the full amount from my pay. The agreement had been that any personal trips over 15 miles would require that I contribute to gas, yet they wanted me to pay for ALL gas used during the week (my errand was about 3 miles, roundtrip), and wear-and-tear wasn't in the agreement at all. I let them know that I would not be driving after that, and as I couldn't do the driving, they had until the next day (when I was supposed to drive two children to dance) to find someone else. I told them I would be happy to continue to work at the house while someone else drove the children, did the errands and grocery shopping, but I would need at least a week of notice or a week of severance if they wanted to find someone else to fulfill the whole job description. They decided to have a parent or relative shuttle kids while they looked for another person, and when I left after that week, they were begging me to reconsider. They had tried to use the same terms with me on another woman, but they had given my name and number as a nanny reference, and I told her to ask, so they couldn't find anyone else competent (big family, live-in, low end of pay scale, ultra-conservative clothing requirements for nanny, so most women with experience didn't want to touch it).
9. Introduced as "the nanny," not by name. Every. Single. Time.
10. I've never seen the kids again. Even when parents of long-term positions have promised that we can Skype or call, I've had no contact.


On the other hand, my experience with families who have considered me a part of the family has been wonderful.
1. Kids and I used the same toiletries (I switched them to my preferred brands), so my toiletry cost was nil. My cost is usually under $20 per month, but even that was appreciated.
2. Absolute trust in my judgement, integrity and honesty, so I was allowed to do whatever I wanted with the kids, whenever I wanted. Priceless.
3. Absolute control of the entire household's grocery bill, including adding whatever I wanted and not getting anything I felt would not be used or would be a bad idea. I'm generally healthy, and I prefer to make tasty, healthy food for kids (and parents, if they are eating with kids or are fine warming up leftovers). I love having the authority to skip all junk food, processed crap, etc.
4. Respect that my room is my space and should not be entered without notifying me and asking if I wanted to be present if there's a valid need to go in. For one family, the fuse box happened to be in my room, and I think they needed in once a day for over a week while the Christmas tree was up before I just told DB to go in anytime he knew I wasn't in there, but otherwise just knock to make sure I wasn't there first.
5. While the families who considered me family were not able to pay top dollar, and sometimes I knew they couldn't afford a bonus for my birthday or Christmas, they found other ways to make sure I knew that I was appreciated. If they gave me a gift, they knew it was something that I wanted or needed, and it was definitely something I could use. They never expected me to give anyone else gifts, and when I did, they were appreciated. It's the little day-to-day things that they did that really mattered.
6. After I'm no longer with them, I have contact with the kids whenever the schedule works and the kids want to talk.
7. I'm invited to join in with their friends when they come over or they schedule dinner with friends at their house when they know I already have plans.
8. Any extra work time is compensated at mutual agreement. I've had extra pay (not OT, as it's not required for live-in nannies for most states), extra hours of PTO (usually double what I worked extra that week), partial payment of MY vacation (not theirs), etc.
9. There's never a question about me not being allowed anywhere in the house (other than the parents' bedroom and office).
10. I've been invited along on their vacation, and it's also been my vacation. When I wanted to spend time with the family (not just kids, so free babysitting), I was welcome. I paid for anything I chose to do by myself, they paid for everything else (including food while I was by myself). And I was still paid my normal weekly salary.
11. Exclusive use of a car, rotating use of a car (whoever has the kids gets the kid vehicle, and I could use one of the other vehicles for personal use), or shared use of a vehicle (while they looked for another vehicle). In all cases, I wasn't asked to contribute to wear-and-tear on the vehicle. If I was asked to contribute for gas initially if my personal miles were over a certain amount during the week, that was no longer required after a month. If I was asked to track mileage initially, the requirement disappeared after a month. If I was asked to not use freeways or go downtown (major metropolis with timed restrictions or crazy drivers pulling u-turns in the middle of intersections at undivided streets), that requirement was lifted within a month (I showed how careful I am while driving). One family offered to let me drive and see my sister every weekend if I wanted, ~100 miles one way, and they would cover gas (I think I did it once a month).
12. I've been able to talk with the parents about any subject, any time I wanted to bring it up.
13. I've always been introduced as X, our nanny. She's amazing, she does this and that and the other. No, you can't steal her!
14. I am trusted to handle any situation in the house or with the kids, even when the parents are there. If DB has his back to the kids and I see something, I speak up immediately. If MB has her hands full dealing with one child, I can step in and redirect another child. I've reprimanded kids, in front of their parent, and when the child complains to the parent, the parent has always backed me up. Of course, it usually after the parent has said, if you do x, y will happen, and the parent didn't realize (yet) that x was done, so I'm just notifying the parent that y needs to happen. Of course, I've also praised children, in front of their parents, for doing something correctly that we've been working up to doing that way.

Overall, I guess what I'm trying to get at is that for me (and a few other nannies I've known, primarily live-in), being regarded as part of the family is so much better than just being an employee. I won't have it any other way. I have no interest in being treated like an unwanted interloper in my home, especially when I am there because the parents need/want me there.

I've had many nanny families over the years insist that I'm a member of their family. To be honest, the ones who said this the most were really the least likely to actually treat me as such.

There was one family I had worked with part time for 3 years with their school aged kids, before becoming a full time live in when their next baby was born (and I stayed until her third birthday). My last winter with them they invited me up to their family's cabin for Christmas and I agreed. Christmas morning they woke me up to "open presents with them." I watched their older kids unwrap ipads and other awesome gifts. They gave me a candle and then insinuated that my weekend at the cabin with them was my bonus that year.

Another MB who was ALWAYS going on about how I'm such an important member of their family then insisted they couldn't afford to give me any raise at all at my second year anniversary. Over the next two months MB bought a brand new car and she and DB took two overnight trips out of town (grandma and grandpa watched the kids; they didn't want to pay me OT). I quit and gave them 5 weeks notice (contact stipulated only 4 was required). On my last day MB hugged me and kept saying that I'll always be part of their family, and she wants me to continue being in her kids lives so please keep in touch. I reached out a few times to ask about getting together for a weekend visit. At first she responded saying "this weekend's not good, how about next..." but eventually she just stopped responding to my texts. It's been two years and I haven't seen them since.

Meanwhile I still have an excellent relationship with two other previous nanny families, still getting together occasionally as well as babysitting when they need. They never once used the phrase "a member of our family" about me; maybe it's for the best.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they truly consider you "family," would they bail you out of jail at 3AM??

That is where the line is drawn for me regarding "family."

I would totally do this for our former nanny, and it's been three years since she worked for us. I'd hide her in my basement if ICE came for her, swear to God.

Why did you hire an undocumented nanny?

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they truly consider you "family," would they bail you out of jail at 3AM??

That is where the line is drawn for me regarding "family."

I would totally do this for our former nanny, and it's been three years since she worked for us. I'd hide her in my basement if ICE came for her, swear to God.

Why did you hire an undocumented nanny?