"It's okay to hate her. I still hate the 8 year old I au paired for 10 years ago (not US)."

No, it's not OK to hate a child, and just because you do also does not make it right. It is OK to hate the behavior and to seek to stop the behavior, but it is not OK to hate the child or to see the child AS the behavior.


This is the very basis of childcare 101, and if you don't understand this, you have no business working with children.

Anonymous wrote:I once nannied for a girl whom everyone loved and just gushed over. But she was a complete psychopath. She would hit me, spit in my face everyday. She was awful I had to make the decision early on to quit because I hated her. It's been over 5 years and I still hate this child. Sometimes it's just not a good fit. Thankfully I've gone on and nannied for wonderful children. If the nanny doesn't like your child it's not always the nannies fault.

It's okay to hate her. I still hate the 8 year old I au paired for 10 years ago (not US). I know it's ridiculous but he hit me, he spit at me, he broke my things (including going into my locked room to break things), he hurt his baby sister, he broke his older sister's stuff, he barked at me... all tolerated by his parents for whom "parenting" meant "ignoring". I also left when I noticed that at that point in time I was the wrong AP for that family. They talked me into staying until summer vacation started and then showed their true colors (left me home alone, without transportation, food or internet for a weekend and without paying me on Friday so I barely scraped by on my savings).

OP, if you are sure your children are telling the truth, talk to your AP. Get the LCC involved if you think it's necessary.

However... I am 100% certain that my 8 year old in the US thought I was mean and might have voiced that towards her parents more than once. Because I was the one who was parenting her for 90% of the time. So I was the one who told her no. I was also the one who would ask her to play on her own, if I was caring for her younger sister (feeding, changing diapers etc.). It was me who told her to do things (homework, bring her dirty laundry into the laundry room, brush her teeth, wear long pants in winter etc). I don't remember ever raising my voice at her but I don't know what she told her parents. She didn't like me much. We got along well but she had been the previous care giver's favorite (which included previous AP taking her, and just her, to the movies, the zoo, for ice cream or shopping in AP's free time - if I took any of my kids, I took all the older ones) and she constantly told me she loved Larla more because Larla never made her clean her room / do her homework / put her own laundry away etc.
The 10 year old once told me he hated me - I know he didn't and he did apologize later - because I sent him to his room... for throwing a chair. What a second before had been two brothers fooling around turned into blunt violence which got them both sent to their rooms until they had calmed down and there were no more buts. Oh right... I did yell that day. It made them move though. Quite quickly actually. And there might have been a bit more yelling by HD later that day.

Thing is... sometimes children say their care giver is mean. For many different reasons. Could be the care giver really is mean. Could be they percieved the care giver as mean (because they were told no). As someone has mentioned previously, sometimes children use AP being mean as a coping strategy when the AP leaves (they didn't like her anyway so good that she is going away). What was you impression over the last ten months concerning her being "mean" to the kids?

back to the original post...I have a (sniff) almost 6 year old and 3.5, one day going to the park he asked AP if she was going to actually play with them or just sit on the bench on her phone. Unprovoked he called her out (relationship is ok with her), and in some situations you have to either divide by 3 or 5 what a child says or multiply it by 5. This was a multiply type situation, and we filed it away.

Few months later she was slacking and emotional (going through break up with BF, things like that) and taking it out on the kids. Husband lit her up and just told her she had a few days to figure out what she wants to do or rematch. She was off work mid week and out of house to figure her life out.

We are the "cool" house for AP and their friends (we think we are cool, but walking distance to Clarendon is the real reason) and have seen/counseled many AP through rematch and are very confident we are not "that" family or have "those" kids; but that is our perspective.

She talked to LCC and friends and came back after her two days off as the AP we hoped she was. Sometimes they just need a reality check, when faced with going home either not completing program or new family they have to make a decision. If they go for rematch you both are better off knowing sooner rather than later.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our daughter complained about an AP when she was seven. I kept thinking it was a phase and she was being difficult because everyone told me how great AP was. It turned out sue was great with our son (with whom people saw her the most) but didn't like our daughter. My daughter actually called me one day and asked me to come home early, and I did without anyone knowing and found AP screaming at DD. DD was in the corner, where she had wet her pants because was not allowed to leave the corner. I called the Lcc and had her pick AP up that afternoon, and we left the AP program for two years. My takeaways: if your child who likes everyone (as mine did) and whom everyone loves (the case with DD) complains about an AP, listen to her; and just because AP is good with one child does not mean she is good with the other. Good luck, op.

I once nannied for a girl whom everyone loved and just gushed over. But she was a complete psychopath. She would hit me, spit in my face everyday. She was awful I had to make the decision early on to quit because I hated her. It's been over 5 years and I still hate this child. Sometimes it's just not a good fit. Thankfully I've gone on and nannied for wonderful children. If the nanny doesn't like your child it's not always the nannies fault.

You are disgusting. There is no excuse for a grown up adult to scare and intimidate a child to the point they wet themselves. I'm a psychologist and this is textbook abuse this 7yr old endured. ABUSE. For you to justify that is just sick.

I also can't understand holding HATE as an emotion for a CHILD whom you admittedly worked for only a short time (you yourself said you made the decision early on to quit). While the PP who called you a psychopath might have been over-the-top, for you to call a CHILD a psychopath (especially one everyone else "just loved and gushed over") and to still hate her FIVE YEARS LATER sounds kind of unbalanced to me.

I can't change how I feel about her. I could lie and say ya whatever but no I hate her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our daughter complained about an AP when she was seven. I kept thinking it was a phase and she was being difficult because everyone told me how great AP was. It turned out sue was great with our son (with whom people saw her the most) but didn't like our daughter. My daughter actually called me one day and asked me to come home early, and I did without anyone knowing and found AP screaming at DD. DD was in the corner, where she had wet her pants because was not allowed to leave the corner. I called the Lcc and had her pick AP up that afternoon, and we left the AP program for two years. My takeaways: if your child who likes everyone (as mine did) and whom everyone loves (the case with DD) complains about an AP, listen to her; and just because AP is good with one child does not mean she is good with the other. Good luck, op.

I once nannied for a girl whom everyone loved and just gushed over. But she was a complete psychopath. She would hit me, spit in my face everyday. She was awful I had to make the decision early on to quit because I hated her. It's been over 5 years and I still hate this child. Sometimes it's just not a good fit. Thankfully I've gone on and nannied for wonderful children. If the nanny doesn't like your child it's not always the nannies fault.

The fact that this is your response to the PP's horrific story says a lot about you, none of it good.

OP, you said your AP sweetened up after your talk. What was she like before you noticed the "sweetening"? Have your kids continued to report they dislike AP and think she's mean? Even if things have been going well since your talk, I'd have a reset conversation with the au pair and LCC, making it clear that AP had better be engaged nicely with your kids or she's going home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our daughter complained about an AP when she was seven. I kept thinking it was a phase and she was being difficult because everyone told me how great AP was. It turned out sue was great with our son (with whom people saw her the most) but didn't like our daughter. My daughter actually called me one day and asked me to come home early, and I did without anyone knowing and found AP screaming at DD. DD was in the corner, where she had wet her pants because was not allowed to leave the corner. I called the Lcc and had her pick AP up that afternoon, and we left the AP program for two years. My takeaways: if your child who likes everyone (as mine did) and whom everyone loves (the case with DD) complains about an AP, listen to her; and just because AP is good with one child does not mean she is good with the other. Good luck, op.

I once nannied for a girl whom everyone loved and just gushed over. But she was a complete psychopath. She would hit me, spit in my face everyday. She was awful I had to make the decision early on to quit because I hated her. It's been over 5 years and I still hate this child. Sometimes it's just not a good fit. Thankfully I've gone on and nannied for wonderful children. If the nanny doesn't like your child it's not always the nannies fault.

You are disgusting. There is no excuse for a grown up adult to scare and intimidate a child to the point they wet themselves. I'm a psychologist and this is textbook abuse this 7yr old endured. ABUSE. For you to justify that is just sick.

I also can't understand holding HATE as an emotion for a CHILD whom you admittedly worked for only a short time (you yourself said you made the decision early on to quit). While the PP who called you a psychopath might have been over-the-top, for you to call a CHILD a psychopath (especially one everyone else "just loved and gushed over") and to still hate her FIVE YEARS LATER sounds kind of unbalanced to me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our daughter complained about an AP when she was seven. I kept thinking it was a phase and she was being difficult because everyone told me how great AP was. It turned out sue was great with our son (with whom people saw her the most) but didn't like our daughter. My daughter actually called me one day and asked me to come home early, and I did without anyone knowing and found AP screaming at DD. DD was in the corner, where she had wet her pants because was not allowed to leave the corner. I called the Lcc and had her pick AP up that afternoon, and we left the AP program for two years. My takeaways: if your child who likes everyone (as mine did) and whom everyone loves (the case with DD) complains about an AP, listen to her; and just because AP is good with one child does not mean she is good with the other. Good luck, op.

I once nannied for a girl whom everyone loved and just gushed over. But she was a complete psychopath. She would hit me, spit in my face everyday. She was awful I had to make the decision early on to quit because I hated her. It's been over 5 years and I still hate this child. Sometimes it's just not a good fit. Thankfully I've gone on and nannied for wonderful children. If the nanny doesn't like your child it's not always the nannies fault.

You are disgusting. There is no excuse for a grown up adult to scare and intimidate a child to the point they wet themselves. I'm a psychologist and this is textbook abuse this 7yr old endured. ABUSE. For you to justify that is just sick.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our daughter complained about an AP when she was seven. I kept thinking it was a phase and she was being difficult because everyone told me how great AP was. It turned out sue was great with our son (with whom people saw her the most) but didn't like our daughter. My daughter actually called me one day and asked me to come home early, and I did without anyone knowing and found AP screaming at DD. DD was in the corner, where she had wet her pants because was not allowed to leave the corner. I called the Lcc and had her pick AP up that afternoon, and we left the AP program for two years. My takeaways: if your child who likes everyone (as mine did) and whom everyone loves (the case with DD) complains about an AP, listen to her; and just because AP is good with one child does not mean she is good with the other. Good luck, op.

I once nannied for a girl whom everyone loved and just gushed over. But she was a complete psychopath. She would hit me, spit in my face everyday. She was awful I had to make the decision early on to quit because I hated her. It's been over 5 years and I still hate this child. Sometimes it's just not a good fit. Thankfully I've gone on and nannied for wonderful children. If the nanny doesn't like your child it's not always the nannies fault.

No wonder that little girl hated you. You are the one that sounds like the psychopath. Too bad for the families who have hired you.

NP here. How does she sound like a psychopath? She quit when she realized they were not a good fit. And she said she didn't have that experience again.

Agree. Previous PP's comment was uncalled for. I am a HM, and sometimes my own kids can lead me to madness. And I have friends I no longer invite to my home because we can't stand their kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our daughter complained about an AP when she was seven. I kept thinking it was a phase and she was being difficult because everyone told me how great AP was. It turned out sue was great with our son (with whom people saw her the most) but didn't like our daughter. My daughter actually called me one day and asked me to come home early, and I did without anyone knowing and found AP screaming at DD. DD was in the corner, where she had wet her pants because was not allowed to leave the corner. I called the Lcc and had her pick AP up that afternoon, and we left the AP program for two years. My takeaways: if your child who likes everyone (as mine did) and whom everyone loves (the case with DD) complains about an AP, listen to her; and just because AP is good with one child does not mean she is good with the other. Good luck, op.

I once nannied for a girl whom everyone loved and just gushed over. But she was a complete psychopath. She would hit me, spit in my face everyday. She was awful I had to make the decision early on to quit because I hated her. It's been over 5 years and I still hate this child. Sometimes it's just not a good fit. Thankfully I've gone on and nannied for wonderful children. If the nanny doesn't like your child it's not always the nannies fault.

No wonder that little girl hated you. You are the one that sounds like the psychopath. Too bad for the families who have hired you.

NP here. How does she sound like a psychopath? She quit when she realized they were not a good fit. And she said she didn't have that experience again.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our daughter complained about an AP when she was seven. I kept thinking it was a phase and she was being difficult because everyone told me how great AP was. It turned out sue was great with our son (with whom people saw her the most) but didn't like our daughter. My daughter actually called me one day and asked me to come home early, and I did without anyone knowing and found AP screaming at DD. DD was in the corner, where she had wet her pants because was not allowed to leave the corner. I called the Lcc and had her pick AP up that afternoon, and we left the AP program for two years. My takeaways: if your child who likes everyone (as mine did) and whom everyone loves (the case with DD) complains about an AP, listen to her; and just because AP is good with one child does not mean she is good with the other. Good luck, op.

I once nannied for a girl whom everyone loved and just gushed over. But she was a complete psychopath. She would hit me, spit in my face everyday. She was awful I had to make the decision early on to quit because I hated her. It's been over 5 years and I still hate this child. Sometimes it's just not a good fit. Thankfully I've gone on and nannied for wonderful children. If the nanny doesn't like your child it's not always the nannies fault.

No wonder that little girl hated you. You are the one that sounds like the psychopath. Too bad for the families who have hired you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our daughter complained about an AP when she was seven. I kept thinking it was a phase and she was being difficult because everyone told me how great AP was. It turned out sue was great with our son (with whom people saw her the most) but didn't like our daughter. My daughter actually called me one day and asked me to come home early, and I did without anyone knowing and found AP screaming at DD. DD was in the corner, where she had wet her pants because was not allowed to leave the corner. I called the Lcc and had her pick AP up that afternoon, and we left the AP program for two years. My takeaways: if your child who likes everyone (as mine did) and whom everyone loves (the case with DD) complains about an AP, listen to her; and just because AP is good with one child does not mean she is good with the other. Good luck, op.

I once nannied for a girl whom everyone loved and just gushed over. But she was a complete psychopath. She would hit me, spit in my face everyday. She was awful I had to make the decision early on to quit because I hated her. It's been over 5 years and I still hate this child. Sometimes it's just not a good fit. Thankfully I've gone on and nannied for wonderful children. If the nanny doesn't like your child it's not always the nannies fault.

We have hosted au pairs for 10 years and had babysitters and nannies before that. Our daughter was seven at the time and had had seven years of babysitters and APs before then, and she is nearly 14 now. Every single one of our nannies, babysitters, and APs has adored my daughter, except this au pair. Sometimes it is the childcare provider and not the child. Maybe you're that hellish nanny that the family will remember and tell stories about going forward, as the ONLY one who was a nightmare, the role this AP serves in our family's lore.

Anonymous wrote:Our daughter complained about an AP when she was seven. I kept thinking it was a phase and she was being difficult because everyone told me how great AP was. It turned out sue was great with our son (with whom people saw her the most) but didn't like our daughter. My daughter actually called me one day and asked me to come home early, and I did without anyone knowing and found AP screaming at DD. DD was in the corner, where she had wet her pants because was not allowed to leave the corner. I called the Lcc and had her pick AP up that afternoon, and we left the AP program for two years. My takeaways: if your child who likes everyone (as mine did) and whom everyone loves (the case with DD) complains about an AP, listen to her; and just because AP is good with one child does not mean she is good with the other. Good luck, op.

I once nannied for a girl whom everyone loved and just gushed over. But she was a complete psychopath. She would hit me, spit in my face everyday. She was awful I had to make the decision early on to quit because I hated her. It's been over 5 years and I still hate this child. Sometimes it's just not a good fit. Thankfully I've gone on and nannied for wonderful children. If the nanny doesn't like your child it's not always the nannies fault.

Our daughter complained about an AP when she was seven. I kept thinking it was a phase and she was being difficult because everyone told me how great AP was. It turned out sue was great with our son (with whom people saw her the most) but didn't like our daughter. My daughter actually called me one day and asked me to come home early, and I did without anyone knowing and found AP screaming at DD. DD was in the corner, where she had wet her pants because was not allowed to leave the corner. I called the Lcc and had her pick AP up that afternoon, and we left the AP program for two years. My takeaways: if your child who likes everyone (as mine did) and whom everyone loves (the case with DD) complains about an AP, listen to her; and just because AP is good with one child does not mean she is good with the other. Good luck, op.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think ignoring & yelling are specific enough offenses that you can trust your 5 yo's report OP. I wouldn't berate the AP, but I would bring up that you've heard some concerning things from the children and want to hear her side of the story before deciding what action to take. She may end up offering more details for you to understand what has happened.

Then, discuss with your husband and decide how to proceed - whether you'll give her a warning or just go straight into rematch.

Would 'no discussion' be allowed?

I didn't opine on what does and doesn't fly in OP's marriage. She asked for advice. I gave my two cents, but have no stake in what she decides to do with it.

If it was just your 3 year old, I would say that it might be age-typical separation anxiety, especially if he's warmed up to her 10 minutes later. But if it's both kids, that's different.