Your attitude is poorly suited for the program.

PP, how do you screen?

I am also surprised by some responses. The first few weeks are a lot of hand holding but if you screen carefully for a very independent and social AP, after you determine that your other criteria are met, then you should be fine. My APs have all joined us for family events but have used their off time as true time away. They are out and about and I'm happy for them. I have turned down otherwise qualified APs who seemed like homebodies. I have younger children so it's very important to me that the AP make friends with other APs or nannies so my children have playdates, meet up in playgrounds, and take classes together, without me having to micromanage every minute of their days.

I'm fairly introverted and am hosting an au pair. It hasn't been a problem for me. Our au pair seems more extroverted than I am and eats dinner with us almost every night but I've enjoyed the company. After dinner, we put the kids to bed and our au pair goes to her room to watch tv, Skype etc and it's at that time in the evening it feels just as it's always been with my husband and me. I have to say that I enjoy the cultural exchange piece and that was a big part of the reason we chose an au pair vs nanny. I'd say it depends on your degree of introversion and the ap you choose. Good luck!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We are going to register with an AP program and see what we find. Wish us luck!

Hope you're no longer wondering if you can "tolerate" an au pair. How would you like to get someone wondering if she can "tolerate" you?
Good luck.

Honestly, I'd far prefer someone who spent enough time thinking through whether they would be happy with a particular living situation rather than someone who didn't think it through. I would much prefer someone carefully consider whether she could "tolerate" our family and then reach a conclusion one way or the other. Better to go in with some careful thought as to whether it will work!

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We are going to register with an AP program and see what we find. Wish us luck!

Hope you're no longer wondering if you can "tolerate" an au pair. How would you like to get someone wondering if she can "tolerate" you?
Good luck.

OP here. We are going to register with an AP program and see what we find. Wish us luck!

Giving them some generous cash is a great idea. Win-win.

My husband is a big introvert and was very surprised how much he liked having an au pair around. He enjoyed her company. As,did I. We are now used to it.

So that can happen.

We don't take our APs on vacation and instead give them $400 to take a trip somewhere of their own choosing. We both work full,time and it changes the family dynamic when the AP is there -- one reason is that my kids jump all over her to play.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are at a point where an au pair makes a lot of sense for our family, but my spouse and
I are both at least somewhat introverted. Husband needs time alone to decompress. I also need time and space to just relax once kids are in bed. Could we survive an au pair? I'd love to host someone who is extremely independent, but think I'd lose my mind if we had to do a lot of hand holding. Is there any hope for two introverted adults and an au pair?

How do couples manage to have alone time to hang out and talk when an au pair is around?

I really think an au pair would be great for lots of reasons, but I'm nervous about having another person to deal with in the house.

You've got to be nuts to even think of hosting an AP. Shame on you.

"Shame on you?" Wow. Super constructive. Thanks for your contribution.

Anonymous wrote:We are at a point where an au pair makes a lot of sense for our family, but my spouse and
I are both at least somewhat introverted. Husband needs time alone to decompress. I also need time and space to just relax once kids are in bed. Could we survive an au pair? I'd love to host someone who is extremely independent, but think I'd lose my mind if we had to do a lot of hand holding. Is there any hope for two introverted adults and an au pair?

How do couples manage to have alone time to hang out and talk when an au pair is around?

I really think an au pair would be great for lots of reasons, but I'm nervous about having another person to deal with in the house.

You've got to be nuts to even think of hosting an AP. Shame on you.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks PPs who posted the thoughtful and thorough responses. We are seriously considering this option and I want to be comfortable that we wouldn't be setting everyone up for a year of misery.

Random question: say we had a family vacation planned well ahead of au pair arrival or signing up for program, and to accomodate au pair would be close to doubling cost of trip (careful planning, lots of effort to get costs down). Would we have to either double our trip cost or just not go, or could we let au pair have the week off but not take her given that it would be a huge change in costs and plans?

As long as you make it clear during the matching process that you will not be taking her along for this vacation (or any vacations if that's your plan) there should be no issue here.

We take two, week-long vacations every year like clockwork, one for labor day and one for spring break. We know the dates well in advance and we tell our AP during interviewing that if she want's to match with us, it will require her to use those two weeks to take her own vacations. If she doesn't like those terms, she will politely decline and look elsewhere. I have never had an AP turn down a match offer, FWIW even though they knew this was the deal. They just starting planning early to find someplace great to go on their own during those weeks.

I wouldn't do this in the first couple of weeks that an AP was in our home. We usually have an early July start so she has had 2 months with us to get settled. If it was much closer than that, I would just wait for her to start until we were back.

I think it's reasonable and workable to have two introverted host parents -- but no matter what your personalities are, screen like crazy for someone who will be a great AP and a good housemate. You want to find someone who is responsible, independent, and outgoing enough that she will make friends easily.

Like a PP, dh and I are done for the day after dinner and dishes are done and we put the kids to bed. That's when our AP wants to go out and hang out with friends or just veg, so we aren't all regrouping around the fire or the TV or anything. So dh and I both get a chance to recharge our batteries, either separately or together, usually in our bedroom and/or study. I see our AP in the morning (dh usually leaves for work early). Either one of us might work from home so we will see her then but just in passing. We eat dinner as a family every night so that is our main hang-out/chat time with our AP. Then after dinner and dishes we are all ready for a break.

I will say our last AP was much more extroverted than our current AP, who is introverted herself and tends to disappear downstairs without saying good-night, etc. Comparing just the two of them, both dh and I bonded much better with our former AP because she liked spending time with us and the kids even during off-hours, and she was easy to talk to. Having three introverts (I'm an extroverted introvert, but the most social of the three of us) makes it a bit challenging to keep the conversation going sometimes. So don't necessarily assume you should look for another introvert like yourselves -- but try to find someone who will be extroverted enough to want to talk to you during family meals, etc. but will also be motivated enough to go out, make friends, and do things and not just hide in her room if she's not on duty.

With respect to vacation -- we took our great AP from last year on a bang-up 2-week tropical vacation but she worked several of those days so that dh and I could have some time to go off and do things. It was fabulous for all of us -- we loved having her along and included her in all of our family activities. We paid all her expenses. This year we are not taking a big family vacation and even for the few little trips we will do (two days over spring break) we will not take our AP. She would rather have the time off to hang with friends and relax at home without us there. I think a little separation goes a long way to making sure everyone is refreshed and recharged.

Don't feel like you have to include the AP on a big trip you already have planned. Your AP can take one week of vacation that week and then you should let her choose the other week she wants vacation.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks PPs who posted the thoughtful and thorough responses. We are seriously considering this option and I want to be comfortable that we wouldn't be setting everyone up for a year of misery.

Random question: say we had a family vacation planned well ahead of au pair arrival or signing up for program, and to accomodate au pair would be close to doubling cost of trip (careful planning, lots of effort to get costs down). Would we have to either double our trip cost or just not go, or could we let au pair have the week off but not take her given that it would be a huge change in costs and plans?

We are a family of 5 and we seldom travel. If we are doing an expensive trip, we don't bring AP. It's just not feasible for us. Both parents also work long days, so on the rare occasion where we travel as a family, we prefer something more intimate with our children.

On the other hand, we do bring AP with us on shorter trips or to visit relatives.

One thing I will suggest, it to NOT promise that you will take AP on any vacation. We have had 8APs and although I love them all, some were less suited (or interested) in traveling with us. You really won't know that until AP is well established with you, at least one month in. Unless of course you NEED AP to travel with you to help out with the kids (which is not the case for us since our kids are older). If you have a trip already planned, just let your candidate know during he interview process.

Also, it's generous and kind to give an extra week of vacation (we often do that), but if this is already planned, it's within your rights to ask AP to take that week as one of her vacation week.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks PPs who posted the thoughtful and thorough responses. We are seriously considering this option and I want to be comfortable that we wouldn't be setting everyone up for a year of misery.

Random question: say we had a family vacation planned well ahead of au pair arrival or signing up for program, and to accomodate au pair would be close to doubling cost of trip (careful planning, lots of effort to get costs down). Would we have to either double our trip cost or just not go, or could we let au pair have the week off but not take her given that it would be a huge change in costs and plans?

I think it's okay to have 1-2 vacations during the year when you don't invite AP, but hopefully you'll also do some weekends away during the year that AP can join in on? There are couple places we like to visit that are a 2-3 hr drive away, where we rent a condo for the weekend, and the cost of including AP is negligible. We also had a handful of day trips - one to an apple farm in the fall, one to the county fair, one to Baltimore. So AP got to do some regional trips with us.

We have adjusted our style of traveling for smaller trips so that it's not a big deal to include AP. If we're driving to Philly, rather than taking the train, and if we're getting a 2-3 bedroom condo through AirBnB rather than a hotel, the cost of the trip is about the same whether AP joins us or not. For big cross-country trips where including AP would be $500-1000, we decide that on a case by case basis.