Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't seem to spoil them she actually is a lot more firm with them then we are. And she has high expectations of all the kids.

At night we do have fun and play. We get home at 6:30 and the kids have eaten dinner, had a bath and toys and donner have picked up. Lunches packed for the morning, ect... I know our nanny does all this to encourage us to just be able to be with our kids and I love that. Bit it's not enough.

We don't do a log just a text run down through out the day but little things get lost. Like how she knows how my DD likes her hair and her toys arranged or how my DS only wants to wear orange. So I look like a jerk when I lay out something sensible.

This doesn't make any sense. You get home at 6:30. What time does the nanny come?

Lunches packed for what? In that case the kids aren't even spending time with the nanny.

Sounds to me like the nanny is primarily with the 18 month old, part-time with 3 year old and 5 year old, maybe the 5 year old is in preschool full days. Many preschools do pick up just after lunch for half days, so packing lunch makes sense to me. There are other issues here, and most to me scream that the parents are infantilizing the kids, rather than encouraging growth.

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't seem to spoil them she actually is a lot more firm with them then we are. And she has high expectations of all the kids.

At night we do have fun and play. We get home at 6:30 and the kids have eaten dinner, had a bath and toys and donner have picked up. Lunches packed for the morning, ect... I know our nanny does all this to encourage us to just be able to be with our kids and I love that. Bit it's not enough.

We don't do a log just a text run down through out the day but little things get lost. Like how she knows how my DD likes her hair and her toys arranged or how my DS only wants to wear orange. So I look like a jerk when I lay out something sensible.

This doesn't make any sense. You get home at 6:30. What time does the nanny come?

Lunches packed for what? In that case the kids aren't even spending time with the nanny.

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't seem to spoil them she actually is a lot more firm with them then we are. And she has high expectations of all the kids.

At night we do have fun and play. We get home at 6:30 and the kids have eaten dinner, had a bath and toys and donner have picked up. Lunches packed for the morning, ect... I know our nanny does all this to encourage us to just be able to be with our kids and I love that. Bit it's not enough.

We don't do a log just a text run down through out the day but little things get lost. Like how she knows how my DD likes her hair and her toys arranged or how my DS only wants to wear orange. So I look like a jerk when I lay out something sensible.

Nanny here. I suspect that what is happening has little to do with kids wanting nanny and lots to do with working mom guilt. My guess is that if kids throw fits with nanny she locks that shit down and guides them to a more appropriate way of interacting with her, but the kids have probably figured out that if they throw a fit for mom and dad, it gets attention and emotion. Kids know what your hot-button issues are, esp your 3 and 5 year olds. They probably fussed about missing the nanny a few times, saw that it got a big response from you and now they do it more to piss you off. I suggest you take a parenting class on either positive discipline or how to manage tantrums, because my guess is that if you stopped buying into the drama and tantrums they would happen less often.

Anonymous wrote:Sorry that was a typo she works 6:30-6:30 so 60hrs a week.

She expects them to clear plates, put shoes on, get dressed alone. Even expects the babies to come in from the park and put shoes on the bench and go wash hands. We tend to baby them a little more. And expected they would then want to be with us more.

WOW people! I never call somebody on here a troll but this OP looks like a hell of one. She said first the nanny worked 40 hours a week, then she said she leaves at 6:30. Somebody pointed out that detail and now this...seriously....now OP is saying nanny works from 6:30-6:30 which comes to 60 hours a week...yeah, right...

Don't feed the troll!

Anonymous wrote:Sorry that was a typo she works 6:30-6:30 so 60hrs a week.

She expects them to clear plates, put shoes on, get dressed alone. Even expects the babies to come in from the park and put shoes on the bench and go wash hands. We tend to baby them a little more. And expected they would then want to be with us more.

This is it. Kids want to grow up, they don't want to be babies. Your youngest is a toddler, moving along through life, stumbling and getting right back up. Toddlers can easily learn to take their shoes off, although they may not put them where you want them. Your middle child is 3, and preschoolers are inquisitive, independent and yet need someone to help without forcing the issue. Your eldest is 5, by which age the child should be able to not only dress him/herself but also pick out a decent outfit (although you may need to send the child back). By babying them, you are telling them that you don't think they are capable, so you have to do things for them. The nanny is encouraging them to try things, but she's there to help when needed. Ask her what each child can do, and then ask your kids to show you how to do them, not all at once, but spread out over the next week or two. Kids want their parents to see what they learn, they want to know that you are proud of them. Encouragement is great, and help when needed is good, but babying them will make them want to do less later.

The other issue is that she's with them 60 hours per week. I understand that you and your spouse have to work, and I know you spend time with them in the evenings. But the issue is that the nanny is spending the bulk of the time with the kids. 12 hour days 5 days per week mean that your nanny knows the kids better now than you do. It's temporary, soon nobody will know them But you can make it easier. Talk to your kids, ask them about favorite colors, ask why they don't like carrots, ask why the Spiderman shirt is the best. Talk to the nanny, ask her to let you know asap about anything that comes up. You might come across as micromanaging, so explain that you just want a window into your children's day, to see what they love, what they like, and what they dislike.

Anonymous wrote:Also, your nanny is with your children 60 hrs a week. Attachment is quite normal.

+1

Your nanny spends the majority of their lives with them. It is not said to make you feel bad. It is a good thing that they are attached to her. It would be unhealthy for the kids to get a new nanny. You can and should have a log of their preferences, you can try cutting back 10 or so hours a week at work between your DH and yourself. Unfortunately OP time matters, that is why States limit the number of hours a child can be in daycare. With that said, the younger years are the hardest on everyone, when they are older and school aged I am sure the relationship will be more fluid and less tension filled.

Also, your nanny is with your children 60 hrs a week. Attachment is quite normal.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you are not here to be your children's friend OP. Nor do you get them to want to be with you by being lenient.

There are wonderful parenting resources out there - books, classes, etc... If you're in the DC/MD area look into PEP - Parent Encouragement Program, for some really great resources.

Your problem isn't your nanny (though she could be doing a better job of helping you find your way perhaps). What you need to work on is being in authority.

Professional nannies are often great role models for parents.

Yes, you are not here to be your children's friend OP. Nor do you get them to want to be with you by being lenient.

There are wonderful parenting resources out there - books, classes, etc... If you're in the DC/MD area look into PEP - Parent Encouragement Program, for some really great resources.

Your problem isn't your nanny (though she could be doing a better job of helping you find your way perhaps). What you need to work on is being in authority.

Anonymous wrote:Sorry that was a typo she works 6:30-6:30 so 60hrs a week.

She expects them to clear plates, put shoes on, get dressed alone. Even expects the babies to come in from the park and put shoes on the bench and go wash hands. We tend to baby them a little more. And expected they would then want to be with us more.

Ok, OP. She sounds to me like she knows how to do her job. You have here a golden opportunity to learn these things that they teach in parenting classes.

Sorry that was a typo she works 6:30-6:30 so 60hrs a week.

She expects them to clear plates, put shoes on, get dressed alone. Even expects the babies to come in from the park and put shoes on the bench and go wash hands. We tend to baby them a little more. And expected they would then want to be with us more.

This is unacceptable. You are the parents and you are the employers. You and the nanny should be working together to set rules, expectations, schedules, etc...

You should not be this passive, nor should you be using this kind of victim mindset.

Set up a system to document the day (logs can be great). Have the nanny show you how she does your daughter's hair. Tell your nanny how you want the toys arranged or what you consider sensible attire. Decide if you like the nanny's standards and enforce them yourself if you do - or ask the nanny to pull back if you think she's going too far.

You are the boss here. Literally. You need to take charge of your employee and your children.

And you will often "look like a jerk" to your kids. That's a core part of the job if you're doing it right.

Maybe your nanny can emphasize you more during the day? Stuff like mommy and daddy love it when you paint them pictures, etc. Do you have a small album with family pictures to encourage the kids to 'see' you more during the day?

I know it hurts and not fun. If she's a good nanny otherwise (we all make slip ups in the way we talk to people), work with the nanny to find a solution. Try not to take it out on her and resent her. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't seem to spoil them she actually is a lot more firm with them then we are. And she has high expectations of all the kids.

At night we do have fun and play. We get home at 6:30 and the kids have eaten dinner, had a bath and toys and donner have picked up. Lunches packed for the morning, ect... I know our nanny does all this to encourage us to just be able to be with our kids and I love that. Bit it's not enough.

We don't do a log just a text run down through out the day but little things get lost. Like how she knows how my DD likes her hair and her toys arranged or how my DS only wants to wear orange. So I look like a jerk when I lay out something sensible.

MB here. I guess I don't get it. If she is working forty hours five days a week, and you don't get home until 6:30, that means that she isn't getting there until 10:30 or 11am. Why aren't you the one getting your son dressed or doing your daughters hair?

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't seem to spoil them she actually is a lot more firm with them then we are. And she has high expectations of all the kids.

At night we do have fun and play. We get home at 6:30 and the kids have eaten dinner, had a bath and toys and donner have picked up. Lunches packed for the morning, ect... I know our nanny does all this to encourage us to just be able to be with our kids and I love that. Bit it's not enough.

We don't do a log just a text run down through out the day but little things get lost. Like how she knows how my DD likes her hair and her toys arranged or how my DS only wants to wear orange. So I look like a jerk when I lay out something sensible.

Ok, then maybe it's something else.

Kids respond better when they know what is expected and when. I don't know what to tell you, other than addressing the nanny's attitude. As an aside, this is exactly why I keep a log, even after the kids get older. Logs for infants are basic and include the first times that the child does something or tries something, toddler logs start to include likes and dislikes, preschool and up add in any idiosyncrasies. Anytime that a child refuses food, it gets noted, but I keep giving it as I'm of the 1 bite theory. I'm happy to acquiesce to a favorite color in the outfit, but only 1 piece. Perhaps you need to ask the nanny to write down the important things that you are missing and/or talk to you for 5-15 minutes at the end of the day (end of the day talk needs to be paid).