Thx pps. I appreciate your responses.

It sounds like you've helped her out so much in the past, she's milking the current situation for all she can get, assuming that if she makes you uncomfortable enough, you'll fix everything for her again.

Just stay focused on your goals (be fair, find a better fit for your family, help her to the extent you discussed), and try to let her hystrionics roll off your back.

I'm the person who have the sample letter. I'm glad it was useful to you but I'm so sorry that things aren't going well. I hope she's able to rally soon. It's so hard to be let go even when you're expecting it, but I've always managed to hold it together during the work day and have never discussed my leaving with the kids. So sorry she isn't able to pull it together.

Well, I'm the OP of this post.

We had the conversation about ending the relationship, we gave her the letter, which used most of the suggested language of the poster here (thank you!), we told her of the full severance package we were giving her, etc...

I also found a really great job prospect for her, spent a long time giving her a great reference to this prospective new employer (friend of a friend who's looking for a nanny for her baby), and thought it was a fantastic lead. The job is 15 minutes from where she lives (closer than we are), they speak her native language, they would match her salary (for only 1 child), and they seemed delightful.

But our nanny has decided she doesn't want to work again until July and she only wants a live-in position (much harder to find) and she only wants babies, and, and, and... And she's totally acting as though it's my job to find her the job of her dreams.

She is also not respecting our request to not discuss her departure w/ the kids (we want to handle informing them, and don't want to do that until the nanny's last couple of days. We do not want weeks of drama and tension in their world.) Nor does she seem to be able to contain her emotions so she's bursting into tears every night when she leaves.

So I am saddened that despite all of our efforts this may not end well. I won't have my children subjected to weeping and dramatics every day, and I cannot be expected to devote myself to finding the job of her dreams when she's not willing to even talk to prospective employers I did find.

Ugh.

Just a vent - not really a question. We spent weeks trying to figure out how to do this in the gentlest way possible and it seems like wasted energy. Maybe I should have chosen the brutal but clean route - written her a check and demanded our key back. It would have been really harsh for her but it would have been a lot cleaner and faster.

I know getting fired is awful - I've been there. But she just isn't behaving like a grown-up and it is seriously undermining the goodwill behind everything we were trying to do to minimize how tough this might be for her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know she's terrible with money? Is she live in?

FYI, we thought our nanny was "terrible at managing her personal budget" since she was always complaining about the cost of gas, insurance, rent, etc. and asking for more pay at any little change (i.e. go 2 miles to Gymboree and back).
But we quickly realized she is sending $2,000 a month to her kid in college and eating all organic foods. Plus all our friends' nannies were constantly asking for more, more, more.

That said, even though nanny jobs are not necessarily forever, she had a good stint and a severance package, help with posting for new jobs on list servs, and your contact as a reference should be helpful.

Are you seriously judging someone for putting their child thru college?

Anonymous wrote:How do you know she's terrible with money? Is she live in?

FYI, we thought our nanny was "terrible at managing her personal budget" since she was always complaining about the cost of gas, insurance, rent, etc. and asking for more pay at any little change (i.e. go 2 miles to Gymboree and back).
But we quickly realized she is sending $2,000 a month to her kid in college and eating all organic foods. Plus all our friends' nannies were constantly asking for more, more, more.

That said, even though nanny jobs are not necessarily forever, she had a good stint and a severance package, help with posting for new jobs on list servs, and your contact as a reference should be helpful.

You sound like a good and kind person, OP. Thanks for answering the questions!! Best of luck you you!! Ice been with my nanny family for 6 years and for me the key has always been professional boundaries. I never ever ask my employers about their business and they never ask me about my personal life. Good luck to you!!

She's been with you for 3 years, are you sure you can't work it out? The grass isn't always greener and if she's trusteorthy and reliable, I would be hesitant to let her go. When do you plan to tell her? Are the kids old enough that she can still visit them and be in their lives or do you want a clean break?

Anonymous

How do you know she's terrible with money? Is she live in?
Anonymous


If you have someone new lined up, why not just give Her the severance and have her not come back? It's always better that way.
[Report Post]

Anonymous wrote:How will &3k pay for 10 weeks of expenses????? Giving 3k is extremely generous but how does that cover 10 weeks of bills?

Ok, not sure why I feel compelled to answer, and I fear I'm just setting myself up for this thread to go south, but here goes:

- We are sure the change is necessary. She is brilliant with babies but still spoon feeding my preschoolers, not challenging them physically or intellectually enough, and she is visibly exhausted by their energy level (and complaining almost daily about her arthritis, fatigue, etc...) She is also not a confident driver and bringing the kids to/from preschool is required. We have been hesitant to make the change but it is probably long overdue - perhaps even as much as a year overdue, but we were trying to make it work. At this point though the kids are clearly not getting what they need at this stage and if we are going to continue this level of investment in their childcare I want them to be getting age appropriate and fully capable care.
- We absolutely hope that she can still be in touch with us, see the kids (b'day parties, occasional dinner together, etc...). That is part of why we will try hard (with money, references, and job search support) to make this transition as easy as possible for her.
- I know she is terrible with money because she has zero boundaries between work/personal life so she shares TONS of information with us. And we have helped her with cash in emergencies (car repair, doctor bills, etc...) on several occasions, have helped her find a new apartment, etc.. I am far too acquainted with everything in her personal life, which is also something I'm hoping to change with a new nanny.
- Part of me agrees that a totally clean break would be better, but I think that would hurt her feelings deeply and we have no desire to do that. This isn't a situation where she has stolen from us, or endangered the kids. It just isn't a good fit anymore, but saying you're fired, handing her a check, and telling her to pack her things and get out isn't necessary. It may be a very difficult couple of weeks though so that is part of why the "bonus/severance" will be given at the end, and partially contingent on good will and continued good performance. She can be very emotional and I am concerned that she won't be able to maintain her composure around the kids. If she is crying daily, talking about why she's leaving in ways that are upsetting to them, unpleasant with us, etc... we will have to change our plans.
- 3k won't cover 10 weeks, but the notice period plus 3k (with the 3 k given as a cash gift, so gross not net) will. I am intimately acquainted with her living costs as I have helped her establish or maintain her housing, health insurance, etc... She will also be a candidate for unemployment, which we won't contest and can kick in as soon as she stops working. So she will be ok for some solid chunk of time. She also works other jobs on the side so she has a bit of income there which may also offer opportunities for additional hours/income. And hopefully we'll help her find her next position with an infant so she won't be unemployed that long and maybe the money from us can just be a cushion, or a holiday vacation fund. It isn't my business how she spends it.

How will &3k pay for 10 weeks of expenses????? Giving 3k is extremely generous but how does that cover 10 weeks of bills?