I am a MB and I think you are being needlessly controlling. It is a given that nannies are going to meet up with other nannies and moms. I do think it is reasonable to ask permission to do playdates in private homes, but planned meet ups in public places are good, and good for the kids too! I try to treat my nanny with respect and not put condituons on her that I would not want on myself. If I were a sahm I would absolutely be out making friends and having olaydates. It would be unreasonable not to let the nanny do the same.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MB here -- this is what my nanny does:

1) Asks if it is OK before a friend/relative comes to my house with their child
2) Asks if it is OK to run a specific errand that would be out of the norm (i.e. taking a cousin to the airport)

This is what she doesn't ask about:

1) Meeting up with friends/relatives in a public place that my kids would want to go to anyway, such as a park, Chickfila, etc. She may or may not mention it later. Odds are she won't mention it because it won't stand out as important unless something particularly funny/upsetting happened.

2) Running normal errands, like taking the kids through the bank drive thru.

My kids are old enough to report back what has happened during the day, so there isn't anything my nanny could hide at this point. If anything was excessive, like the kids were going everyday to run errands or they were constantly meeting up with nanny's friend, then it would be a problem. But what they do now seems to fit well within the natural flow of their day and the whole point of the nanny is that I want my kids have a natural flow to their day. If I were home with them, we'd be meeting up with friends and going to the bank so I'm OK with it (to a certain extent).

Well, meeting your friends and meeting a nanny's friends might be different. You know your friends, but don't know your nanny's friends. I think a lot depends on the individual MB and her level of comfort. Some wouldn't want this to happen, and would not be ok with errands. When the nanny is on the clock getting paid for her time socializing with friends and family and running errands with the kid in tow could be seen as a sub-standard performance of duties. I think the point of this thread is disclosure. If there is an explicit understanding that this is OK to do then there is no problem. If it's a lie by omission then it's a different situation.

Exactly how do you tell the difference between a "lie of omission" and something the nanny just didn't think warranted a report?

If MB asks what we did in a day I'll tell her we saw ABC playmate of DC and went to XYZ park; I probably won't mention the three minutes we spent at the pharmacy, not because I think it was wrong but because I think it's irrelevant. If she explicitly told me it was important, I would begin including it (and looking for a new job).

Oh come on, PP. You really see no difference between spending three minutes at the pharmacy and planning a meet up in advance with a personal friend and failing to mention it to your MB? Really?

Things I would not consider a lie of omission and don't need to know about: stopping at the CVS next to my kid's music class to grab shampoo/tampons/a bottle of water or some other quick item you need right away; running into your mom on the street and stopping with the kids for a few minutes to say hi.

Things I would consider a lie of omission: failing to mention you planned a "play date" in advance with your friend or relative and kids my kid has never met before; failing to mention you took my child shopping for ALL your groceries or some other similar time consuming shopping or errand trip instead of taking my kid to the park in the neighborhood.

Does that help?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MB here -- this is what my nanny does:

1) Asks if it is OK before a friend/relative comes to my house with their child
2) Asks if it is OK to run a specific errand that would be out of the norm (i.e. taking a cousin to the airport)

This is what she doesn't ask about:

1) Meeting up with friends/relatives in a public place that my kids would want to go to anyway, such as a park, Chickfila, etc. She may or may not mention it later. Odds are she won't mention it because it won't stand out as important unless something particularly funny/upsetting happened.

2) Running normal errands, like taking the kids through the bank drive thru.

My kids are old enough to report back what has happened during the day, so there isn't anything my nanny could hide at this point. If anything was excessive, like the kids were going everyday to run errands or they were constantly meeting up with nanny's friend, then it would be a problem. But what they do now seems to fit well within the natural flow of their day and the whole point of the nanny is that I want my kids have a natural flow to their day. If I were home with them, we'd be meeting up with friends and going to the bank so I'm OK with it (to a certain extent).

Well, meeting your friends and meeting a nanny's friends might be different. You know your friends, but don't know your nanny's friends. I think a lot depends on the individual MB and her level of comfort. Some wouldn't want this to happen, and would not be ok with errands. When the nanny is on the clock getting paid for her time socializing with friends and family and running errands with the kid in tow could be seen as a sub-standard performance of duties. I think the point of this thread is disclosure. If there is an explicit understanding that this is OK to do then there is no problem. If it's a lie by omission then it's a different situation.

Exactly how do you tell the difference between a "lie of omission" and something the nanny just didn't think warranted a report?

If MB asks what we did in a day I'll tell her we saw ABC playmate of DC and went to XYZ park; I probably won't mention the three minutes we spent at the pharmacy, not because I think it was wrong but because I think it's irrelevant. If she explicitly told me it was important, I would begin including it (and looking for a new job).

Anonymous wrote:MB here -- this is what my nanny does:

1) Asks if it is OK before a friend/relative comes to my house with their child
2) Asks if it is OK to run a specific errand that would be out of the norm (i.e. taking a cousin to the airport)

This is what she doesn't ask about:

1) Meeting up with friends/relatives in a public place that my kids would want to go to anyway, such as a park, Chickfila, etc. She may or may not mention it later. Odds are she won't mention it because it won't stand out as important unless something particularly funny/upsetting happened.

2) Running normal errands, like taking the kids through the bank drive thru.

My kids are old enough to report back what has happened during the day, so there isn't anything my nanny could hide at this point. If anything was excessive, like the kids were going everyday to run errands or they were constantly meeting up with nanny's friend, then it would be a problem. But what they do now seems to fit well within the natural flow of their day and the whole point of the nanny is that I want my kids have a natural flow to their day. If I were home with them, we'd be meeting up with friends and going to the bank so I'm OK with it (to a certain extent).

Well, meeting your friends and meeting a nanny's friends might be different. You know your friends, but don't know your nanny's friends. I think a lot depends on the individual MB and her level of comfort. Some wouldn't want this to happen, and would not be ok with errands. When the nanny is on the clock getting paid for her time socializing with friends and family and running errands with the kid in tow could be seen as a sub-standard performance of duties. I think the point of this thread is disclosure. If there is an explicit understanding that this is OK to do then there is no problem. If it's a lie by omission then it's a different situation.

MB here -- this is what my nanny does:

1) Asks if it is OK before a friend/relative comes to my house with their child
2) Asks if it is OK to run a specific errand that would be out of the norm (i.e. taking a cousin to the airport)

This is what she doesn't ask about:

1) Meeting up with friends/relatives in a public place that my kids would want to go to anyway, such as a park, Chickfila, etc. She may or may not mention it later. Odds are she won't mention it because it won't stand out as important unless something particularly funny/upsetting happened.

2) Running normal errands, like taking the kids through the bank drive thru.

My kids are old enough to report back what has happened during the day, so there isn't anything my nanny could hide at this point. If anything was excessive, like the kids were going everyday to run errands or they were constantly meeting up with nanny's friend, then it would be a problem. But what they do now seems to fit well within the natural flow of their day and the whole point of the nanny is that I want my kids have a natural flow to their day. If I were home with them, we'd be meeting up with friends and going to the bank so I'm OK with it (to a certain extent).

Anonymous wrote:

nannydebsays wrote:I think as long as your nanny is taking your kids to places like the zoo, playgrounds, splash parks, and so on, it might be a little much to have her report first who she and the kids may meet there, especially if they are meeting adults who also care for kids for what is, basically, a play date.

And since your kids will tell you what happened anyway, it's not like it's a secret.

OTOH, if the nanny is new to your family, and isn't offering up ANY info on daily activities, it's not unreasonable to ask her to keep a calendar with the kids schedules and let you know if she is going anywhere "out of the ordinary" and needs funds.

Now, if your kids were reporting that while at the park nanny met a man/woman and kissed them for a long time after telling your kids to go play...that might be worth some concern.

I would say if it's a pre-arranged playdate then why not mention it if we discuss planned activities? The fact that the kids mention it is irrelevant, the nanny chose to hide it. Also, it's a playdate if kids are similar in age. If mine is 2 and the other ones are infants or 5 year olds then it's not really a playdate in my opinion and I might want to weigh in before the activity takes place.

This really hits the nail on the head. Unless the nanny and parents have established a relationship where there is really no mention of anything that the nanny and kids do during the day either before or after, (which I think IRL is very rare), why NOT mention it before or even after the fact? OP's nanny is not meeting up with her charges' friends' nannies- she's meeting up with her own friends and relatives. OP's kids are at an age where they will have their own friends and preferences, so it's hard to cast that as something she is really doing in the kids' best interest (and is different from having say a 2 year-old charge, noticing the charge plays well with another 2 year old at the park, and then making plans with that nanny to meet up again). At the very least OP should have the opportunity to ask questions, particularly since her nanny has essentially just given herself a perk! The nanny may claim the kids are similarly aged but if the nanny's charge is 5 and her sister's kids are under 2, that's not a play date. Not mentioning it at all denies your MB the chance to ask those questions and weigh in (and again, most MBs on this thread have said they wouldn't object, they'd just want to know), and honestly seems like the nanny is trying to hide something.

I find threads like this really interesting when a number of nannies respond that they do something regularly and don't tell their MBs because their MBs don't care, but the MB responses suggest they would care if they knew or that they do care, but are trying to pick their battles ...

A few years ago, I had a nanny for my then 1 year old whose husband would stop by my house for lunch without my knowledge. I only learned about it from a neighbor. I let her go soon after that.

nannydebsays wrote:I think as long as your nanny is taking your kids to places like the zoo, playgrounds, splash parks, and so on, it might be a little much to have her report first who she and the kids may meet there, especially if they are meeting adults who also care for kids for what is, basically, a play date.

And since your kids will tell you what happened anyway, it's not like it's a secret.

OTOH, if the nanny is new to your family, and isn't offering up ANY info on daily activities, it's not unreasonable to ask her to keep a calendar with the kids schedules and let you know if she is going anywhere "out of the ordinary" and needs funds.

Now, if your kids were reporting that while at the park nanny met a man/woman and kissed them for a long time after telling your kids to go play...that might be worth some concern.

I would say if it's a pre-arranged playdate then why not mention it if we discuss planned activities? The fact that the kids mention it is irrelevant, the nanny chose to hide it. Also, it's a playdate if kids are similar in age. If mine is 2 and the other ones are infants or 5 year olds then it's not really a playdate in my opinion and I might want to weigh in before the activity takes place.

I think as long as your nanny is taking your kids to places like the zoo, playgrounds, splash parks, and so on, it might be a little much to have her report first who she and the kids may meet there, especially if they are meeting adults who also care for kids for what is, basically, a play date.

And since your kids will tell you what happened anyway, it's not like it's a secret.

OTOH, if the nanny is new to your family, and isn't offering up ANY info on daily activities, it's not unreasonable to ask her to keep a calendar with the kids schedules and let you know if she is going anywhere "out of the ordinary" and needs funds.

Now, if your kids were reporting that while at the park nanny met a man/woman and kissed them for a long time after telling your kids to go play...that might be worth some concern.

When my nanny first started her job with us, I wanted to know where she went and who she interacted with or planned playdates with. I didn't need her to ask first, I just wanted to know. She understood completely and updated me daily on their activities for her first year or so.

Now, years later, I don't ask what they do or who they meet and our nanny can plan any activity she likes and I trust her completely. I'm still interested in their adventures, if they want to share them, but I don't care who they see or where they go because I know our nanny has my child's safety and happiness at the forefront of her mind at all times.

All that said, our nanny will often let me know when they do something new or have a playdate with a new nanny and her charges. She does this because she is thoughtful and respectful and I appreciate this consideration, even if it isn't necessary.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a MB I would be bothered. I pay extra not to have my kids in daycare, and yes, I want to know who they interact with.

How is your nanny meeting a fellow nanny and her charges at the park any different from them playing with other children at the park?
Also, how exactly is this situation similar to having your kids in daycare?

+1.

Unless your nanny knows that she is expected to give you a blow-by-blow of each day, with whom she spent time, etc., she probably has no idea that this would be an issue. Do you only want your nanny to meet up with kids with nannies in the immediate neighborhood, not someone she has a pre-existing relationship with? And why exactly is that material to the health, welfare or enjoyment of your children?

Anonymous wrote:As a MB I would be bothered. I pay extra not to have my kids in daycare, and yes, I want to know who they interact with.

How is your nanny meeting a fellow nanny and her charges at the park any different from them playing with other children at the park?
Also, how exactly is this situation similar to having your kids in daycare?

As a MB I would be bothered. I pay extra not to have my kids in daycare, and yes, I want to know who they interact with.

I would mention it but it would not cross my mind to ask permission. Unless its something special, I would most likely share the information at the end of the day.

I would say something to you like on Friday I'm planning on taking the kids to the zoo. My college friend is in town for a week with her daughter do you mind if the kids and I meet up with them at the zoo