Op sounds smug. My MB always tells my charges we don't talk about how people look. She would have a problem with what you said and she's a physician

I cannot believe the posters who are in Systane that it is necessary that we teach young children that fat people are morally repugnant because they eat junk food. Because that is the message a young child hears when you tell them that it is okay to make judgments about an obese person. And it is laughable that people are drawing lines between someone who is overweight and someone who is obese in this situation. We are talking about the impression on a three-year-old. That child is not going to be able to differentiate between someone who is a little bit overweight or very obese. What they are going to note is that the grownups around them think that fat people are bad and that it is important never to be fat.

The reality is that a child asked his or her caregiver why someone had a body type that is outside of typical norms. Instead of using that moments to teach manners ("we do not discuss other peoples bodies.") or to teach acceptance for all people ("there are a lot of different kinds of bodies.") The caregiver decided that this moment, which was only about physical appearance, should somehow be directly tied in the child's mind to eating habits. This is exactly the type of attitude that gives young girls eating disorders.

I want my kids to eat healthy, but I want them to do it because they want their bodies to be strong and healthy. I do not want them to eat healthy because they are worried about their weight. The reality is that you cannot look at someone and know whether they are healthy or not, how healthy they are, or how they got to that place. But even if you could, teaching a young child that they better watch what they eat so they don't turn into a fat person is an extremely unhealthy attitude to instill. And if you actually care about your children or the children you are nannying for, then you would be invested in them believing themselves to be valuable worthy and lovely people regardless of how they look.

MB here.

Here is what I would want my 3 1/2 year old told. "People come in all kinds of shapes and sizes and colors. Nobody looks exactly the same. Why don't you go play on...."

I'd also start teaching that we don't talk about other people's appearance because we might hurt their feelings.

I would not want you turning a comment on someone's appearance into a lesson on healthy eating. It teaches negative judgments. You can teach healthy eating as an important thing without using other people as negative examples.

I live in the DC area. My kids see people of all colors and sizes, and frequently people with significant physical differences (we are near Walter Reed). If the kids have questions about things they are learning we talk about that when we are in private. In public they are learning manners. In private they are learning kindness.

Your answer wouldn't work in our house, OP.

Op you're a bitch.
My good friend is on some meds for mental health issues that made her gain 130 lbs. Lots of people struggle with things you know nothing about. Perhaps that 300 lbs woman used to be bigger, works out everyday and is losing weight. You can't tell where someone is at by just looking at them.

Fuck you and the rest of the trolls in this thread.

You handled it perfectly OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were wrong OP, and as a parent I'd be really angry at you if you talked to my child that way. You DID fat-shame that woman.

FYI, I am on medication that made me gain 35 pounds and significantly slowed down my metabolism. My best friend is super skinny, though she never works out. I can run rings around her, lift more than she can, etc. We go food shopping together a couple of times a month and I assure you that I eat healthier than she does. Being "fat" does NOT equal lazy slobs.

What I've said to my kids is that people look all different ways, and we judge people on their personalities rather than their looks.

I doubt 35 pounds put you into the obese range. We are talking about a 300+ lb woman here......

I'm sorry but being obese is NOT okay and we need to teach children that.

Passing judgment on others based on their appearance (whether it's within their control or not) is EVEN MORE not okay, and that's what children need to learn. It is possible to teach children about the importance of healthy habits and taking care of their bodies while simultaneously talking about other body shapes in a way that is not shaming. OP's concern that her charge knows about healthy eating and staying fit is great, but it was totally irrelevant to the conversation at hand. I would be pissed as hell if I found out my nanny were speaking to my child in this way.

OP I think you handled it fine! It wasn't fat shaming at all. The fact is, MOST obese people get that way by eating too much. How can it be wrong to point out the truth? MOST people aren't meant to come in a morbidly obese shape so that line about coming in all shapes and sizes is bs. No wonder this country is one of the most obese.

Wow do the people on this site like to cause drama. OP, you did a pretty good job thinking on your toes. You didn't have much time to contemplate what you were going to say because you answered her when the incident happened. I don't think you need to have some big talk with her now, but contemplate what you want to say next time this comes up, and it WILL, so that you can be better prepared to answer her. I don't think you fat shamed her as some have claimed, but I think it's better to focus on the fact that people come in different shapes, sizes and colors. It's definitely important too, to emphasize healthy eating but that discussion needs to be at another time than the one about people's diversities.

First of all, this is not the last chance OP will have to model good manners and OP's words are not the sole basis for how her charge will see the world. Kids learn much more from what you do than from what you say. If she sees this situation handled compassionately by the adults around her that will speak volumes. Just like letting your kids watch one episode of Power Rangers isn't going to turn them into the unabomber, this one less than perfect answer is not going to turn DD into an anorexic or prejudiced person. So, no need to rage at OP.

OP, you answer was less than perfect. Still, kudos for a decent response and your awareness that something needed to be said.

Anonymous wrote:You were wrong OP, and as a parent I'd be really angry at you if you talked to my child that way. You DID fat-shame that woman.

FYI, I am on medication that made me gain 35 pounds and significantly slowed down my metabolism. My best friend is super skinny, though she never works out. I can run rings around her, lift more than she can, etc. We go food shopping together a couple of times a month and I assure you that I eat healthier than she does. Being "fat" does NOT equal lazy slobs.

What I've said to my kids is that people look all different ways, and we judge people on their personalities rather than their looks.

1. Medication that makes you gain weight is not a comparable situation to being morbidly obese. There are many reasons why someone might weigh 300+lbs (and income/education can have huge roles in this) medication, however rarely is the sole culprit so your "experience" here is irrelevant.
2. I would be incredibly angry with you if you told my child it was ok to judge people at all.

nannydebsays wrote:OP, I have a standard line that I use when a charge asks a question about someone's appearance:

"People come in all different shapes and sizes." or if there is a disability issue, "Some people have hurt <body part> and need help getting around." or if the child is questioning a person's skin color, "People come in all sorts of lovely colors!"

And then I add, "You can always ask me about how people look or what is different about people, but you must ask in a very quiet voice. It is rude to talk loudly about someone when they can hear you!"

Try that next time, instead of linking food intake to appearance. It may be true that many fat people eat poorly, but it's just going to lead to your charge asking the next fat person she sees why they eat too much bad food and make their tummy too big.

+1.
I would have said something similar to this. I have told my charges that people have all sorts of different body types. And I also agree that when they have questions, they should feel free to ask them, but we have to be polite about it. They've asked why people are in wheelchairs, etc... And I've answered their questions. I never want to make a child feel like it is is wrong to ask a question.

Anonymous wrote:You were wrong OP, and as a parent I'd be really angry at you if you talked to my child that way. You DID fat-shame that woman.

FYI, I am on medication that made me gain 35 pounds and significantly slowed down my metabolism. My best friend is super skinny, though she never works out. I can run rings around her, lift more than she can, etc. We go food shopping together a couple of times a month and I assure you that I eat healthier than she does. Being "fat" does NOT equal lazy slobs.

What I've said to my kids is that people look all different ways, and we judge people on their personalities rather than their looks.

I doubt 35 pounds put you into the obese range. We are talking about a 300+ lb woman here......

I'm sorry but being obese is NOT okay and we need to teach children that.

Anonymous wrote:You were wrong OP, and as a parent I'd be really angry at you if you talked to my child that way. You DID fat-shame that woman.

FYI, I am on medication that made me gain 35 pounds and significantly slowed down my metabolism. My best friend is super skinny, though she never works out. I can run rings around her, lift more than she can, etc. We go food shopping together a couple of times a month and I assure you that I eat healthier than she does. Being "fat" does NOT equal lazy slobs.

What I've said to my kids is that people look all different ways, and we judge people on their personalities rather than their looks.

Again there is a difference between being over weight and being obese. She described her as 300 plus pounds. That is NOT healthy nor could she even run much. She IS a flat slob is you are obese and no doctor will disagree with me. The nanny is trying to teach her that being obese is NOT okay and you are doing your children a disservice if you say being obese is healthy. No wonder there is an obesity epidemic in America.

You were wrong OP, and as a parent I'd be really angry at you if you talked to my child that way. You DID fat-shame that woman.

FYI, I am on medication that made me gain 35 pounds and significantly slowed down my metabolism. My best friend is super skinny, though she never works out. I can run rings around her, lift more than she can, etc. We go food shopping together a couple of times a month and I assure you that I eat healthier than she does. Being "fat" does NOT equal lazy slobs.

What I've said to my kids is that people look all different ways, and we judge people on their personalities rather than their looks.

I think I would have just told her it's not polite to to say things about how other people look. I bet next time she won't ask why someone has a big tummy, she'll say oh she has a big tummy because she had too much junk food. Not a big improvement in my opinion. It can be hard to know the best solution at awkward moments tho, I say just talk to her and move on.