Anonymous wrote:Your nanny has pictures of your daughter all over her Facebook page OP?? Saying "MY" baby love??

#singlewhitefemalenanny

I seriously would worry she would try and take off with her. This is not normal behavior and is crossing so many lines. I would let her go and allow her to say goodbye to the charge in front of you. I would HIGHLY recommend NOT leaving her along with the child after you let her go. I have a feeling it will go badly and the nanny might become desperate after receiving her walking papers. Scary situation.

Your nanny has pictures of your daughter all over her Facebook page OP?? Saying "MY" baby love??

#singlewhitefemalenanny

I agree that your nanny is definitely crossing the boundaries of mixing business with pleasure.

On one hand you are very blessed to have someone who truly loves your child as her own and no doubt will care for her in the best manner possible. However, for her to ask to have her on weekends, to text you on weekends to see how she is and to constantly buy her things is unprofessional.

What is really unprofessional is the fact that she is not listening to your strict instructions on what to feed your daughter.

If I told my nanny not to feed my child a certain food, and she went ahead and did it behind my back, I would be absolutely livid OP! That is grounds for termination. I would have a talk w/your nanny first and stress to her how important it is for her to follow your instructions since this is a job first and foremost. I would give her a warning and if she doesn't listen again, I would give her her walking papers.

As for the attachment issues, there needs to be some space between your daughter and her. I would continue declining her requests to have your daughter during her off time and tell her you are unable to accept any new toys from her from now on because she already has so many.

While it is always a lovely bonus for a nanny to genuinely care about the child she works with in a personal manner, there are always boundaries that must be respected and it seems your nanny is completely clueless as to what these boundaries are.

This says a lot about her character so I would keep a close eye on her OP.

Nanny here- I was with a family for 7 years and was a little too close to the first born, but always tried to be professional. When baby #2 came along it was really hard for me because since I already had a bond with the family I really really really bonded with baby #2. I stayed until the second born was 3, and the baby always preferred me over the parents. It was very awkward and eventually I quit because I felt like I was too bonded with the kids. What I'm trying to explain is that if the nanny is already bonded to the first child, just wait and see what happens with baby #2. It's hard not to fall in love with the kids in your care.

Op here. There are some really good points, especially about her filling her maternal need with my kid and her trying to prove kids are so much fun to her boyfriend. I think those are probably spot on. To respond to one pp, my daughter is extremely bonded to me and doesn't hesitate to choose me over the nanny. She's a "mama's girl" for sure and our bond is extremely strong.

I have allowed the behavior to an extent because she obviously cares for her, and I truly don't think there's any danger. We don't have family around so it has been nice (to an extent) to have someone else who's close to her. But lately as my daughter has gotten older these issues surfaced and started to bother me. (She obviously wasn't spoiling an infant or giving a one year old candy etc).

It's clear from the responses that her behavior is not professional, though, and needs to be addressed ASAP. I go on maternity leave in 2 months, so I'll have until then to judge whether or not we can work things out. In all likelihood we'll be moving on.

I'm a nanny and I have slipped a couple times and called my charge "my boy" or "my baby". And I do buy him books occasionally and bring him gifts when I come back from a trip but I have never given him anything without showing it to my MB first and asking her if it's okay for me to give it to him. I do love the little guy.

That said, I would NEVER do anything my MB asked me not to do. I do as I am asked regardless of whether or not I agree with it (I usually give my opinion once but then never mention it again). My MB occasionally sends me short phone videos of the boy on weekends if he did something funny or for the first time but I have never called to see how he was doing or asked for a video!

It is impossible not to love the children in your care. I would sit down with your nanny and tell her exactly how you feel and demand that she follow your instructions to the letter. Obviously, never let her take care of your child for free (that would further blur the lines).

I was a nanny with the same family for 5 years and I love the kids like they are my own but I wouldn't behave the way your nanny does. Yes, there have been times when I've offered to take the kids overnight but it coincided with a night they needed a babysitter. I would occasionally buy little gifts for them but I would never refer to them as "my babies". I remain close with the family even though I'm no longer their nanny; my parents ate even close with them, but it's not like what you're describing. She's way too over the top.

In addition to starting with a new nanny, reflect on your role in letting this situation get so out of control. Think about when did it start? Was it during a time when you were particulary stressed at work? feeling guilty about being away? had a hunch but wanted to be polite?

You are an integral part of the dynamic so your own behavior is also at fault, even if not the sole cause. My MB would have questioned this stuff early on when it was still possible to do so without destroying the relationship. What have you learned about communication and boundaries from this experience?

Another longtime nanny here who thinks your nanny's behavior is highly inappropriate and would recommend letting her go. Either she is going to latch on to baby #2 the way she did with your eldest or she'll begin playing favorites (not typically something I would worry about but given her extreme attachment, in this case id be concerned). Putting photos online without permission is grounds for termination in my contract - a clause *I* wrote!

OP, I am the poster who suggested preschool. The fact that you are having another baby makes it more, rather than less, important that you replace this nanny soon. She does not have a healthy relationship with your child and she is going to undermine your relationship with your own child. The reality is that however bonded she is to your daughter, your daughter should be (and hopefully is unless he nanny has done too much damage) primarily bonded to the parents who will be with her for her entire life, not just the nanny who will be with her only until age 5 or so. It will be so much better for everyone if you get rid of this nanny and start over with a new loving nanny before the new baby comes. That way your older daughter will have time to bond with the new nanny and the new baby will start off with someone who wants to support the relationship between parent and child rather then destroy it.

Anonymous wrote:Thank you so much, everyone, for your well thought out responses. It is a relief to know I'm not overreacting!

And to the last poster - your suggestion is a good one. I am looking into PT preschools for my daughter for the fall, and would potentially seek a different part time nanny if it were just my daughter. However, I'm expecting our second child in August. Since she did such a great job with infant care, I would LIKE to fix things with her instead of starting all over. I'm just not sure if we'll be able to radically shift the dynamic. I don't want to start down this same path with #2!!

I am a nanny and I agree that she needs to be let go. The dynamic is not going to change and she is too much involved to the point that it is creepy. I love my charges and post occasional photos of them on FB and tag the parents but never with those sentiments. Honestly I would worry that she could take off with the child. She is NOT a professional nanny and is way too attached. She thinks of herself as a third parents.
I say start over, clearly outline what you want and need.

I'll be another voice saying your nanny is completely overboard. A lot of her actions are just selfish. I'm a nanny who has the capacity to act like this. But I respect my employers enough to not make them uncomfortable.

Ugh I wouldn't be surprised if your nanny was my friend. She desperately wants to become a mom and somehow thinks that if she can show her boyfriend how much fun having a kid is, he will magically decide to propose, get married, and start a family. She makes the rounds within our group of friends trying to get us to drop our kids off with her for a night, let her and her boyfriend take them to kid activities, etc. She also sees herself as the "fun aunt" who spoils her friends' kids. We've pretty much squashed that behavior though.

anyways, if this is your nanny, RUN. Our group of friends is actually considering how to have an intervention of sorts because we feel like she's started to border on that "is she going to kidnap a child to show her boyfriend how they should make a family" type mentality.

I really, REALLY would consider finding someone new if I were you, OP. This is not going to get any better with a new baby coming, and beyond it being creepy, your nanny is showing incredibly poor judgment. The fact that she doesn't understand how blatantly she is overstepping her boundaries, and the fact that she thinks it's ok to put photos of your children on the internet, with no privacy settings on her facebook page, is atrocious.

I think your nanny needs to have children of her own. She is projecting her maternal needs on to your family. Just be very blunt and polite like previous pp suggested. Explain that weekends and evenings are family time, you need her to be back at the house before you are and to not text during the weekend unless it's an emergency regarding scheduling. Tell her treats and gifts are to be given on holidays/birthdays only because she has enough.

Honestly, you're probably going to have to hurt her feelings a little before she actually understands the seriousness of your request. If she takes it poorly than it's time to replace her.